please helppp

[brichard]

my girlfriend and i dated for 11 months. she then broke up with me and it lasted for about 8 months. we are now back together and have been for 4 months. for 7 months after we broke up i absolutely did nothing with any other women and all i could think about was her. She, on the other hand, dated about 3 guys. finally after 7 motnhs i found a girl and decidd to give it a shot. i was seeing her for about 1 month when i decide it jst wasnt working bc all i could think about was my ex still. so anyways that leads to us being back together. now she expects me to stop talking to this girl. I dont believe its right for her to expect me to stop talking to this girl. I never cheated on her and never would. I understnd if she is jealous, but i think she should deal with it not try to make me stop talking to a friend. i dont even see or talk to this girl much. I see her MAYBE once a week, prolly every other week. and i told her flat out i am not oging to be buddy buddy, and i never would be best friends with her or be alone with her. but that still didnt make her happy. I told her that all i was saying is that if im with all my friends, which include her, im not going to ignore the girl in a conversation. and we can have conversations. also, i told her either i could lie to her and talk to this girl behind her back, or be honest with her, which is what im doing now. i dont lie to her. Please help me. is it right that she expects me to stop talking to this girl. if u think she is wrong, tell me how i can explain to her and convince her....

 

-hopelessly inlove and confused

[cmd]

You might invite this friend to meet your girlfriend. If she is not ok with that you will need to decide which is more important, your friendship or your relationship with your girlfriend. I do not envy your situation as I've been there before. Since I valued my relationship with my girlfriend more I simply started seeing my female friend less and less. That worked for me.

[brichard]

i jst dont believe its right. a relationship should add something great to ur life. not take things away. I am not making her stop talking to the kids she was with in between. and yes she has met this girl, almost faught her, but then this girl like apologized and was very nice to her. i just dont think a relationship should revolve around who ppl can and cant talk to.

[rms8]

I think it is definitely normal for your girlfriend to be uneasy about this situation but since you don't want to give up your friend, you need to find a solution in order to protect your relationship. Make sure that you have talked to this girl and she knows that you are in a committed relationship and just want to be friends. More importantly, make sure your girlfriend knows you've done this and that she feels this is a significant step on your part. I also agree that maybe they should meet each other but that won't necessarily help. Basically just make sure you talk with your girlfriend and understand each other's feelings. If she just can't seem to deal with you having any kind of relationship with this girl, I think you need to make the choice about which girl is more important...

[brichard]

yes, they have met. it was a very big situation with a big cat fight and all and i didnt talk to this girl for like 1 month or so but then i saw her the other day and she apologized to me about the whole situation and we had a nice convo. rather than hiding it i went home and talked to my girlfriend and told her about the apology and all. then the other day we saw her and this other girl (caty) did not even give my grilfriend a bad look or anything. she was good about it. but my gf jst tweaked and * * * * and it was bad. but i like stronly believe that you shouldnt lose friends over a relationship. my girlfriend is a very jealous person, so am i. but it feels like its mostly trust issues even tho i have never given her a reason not to trust and she admits tht. i dont have a problem with who she hangs out with. the only things that i ever asked is that she not be ALONE with certain guys i.e guys she has had relationships or hook ups with in the past. and she asks the same and i agree. i just dont feel i should have to ignore this girl. what am i supposed to do...ignore her from life. i mean, this girl was a good friend of mine b4, and is really cool. but honest to god, i see nothing in her anymore. i believe she was nothing more then a rebound...even tho my rebound was 7 months after breaking up wit my girlfriend. do you people really think that one should have to chose friends based upon a love interest?

[AwdreeHpburn]

brichard - sounds to me like you are trying to assert yourself to your gf and demand that she respect your new-found independent decision making. By independent, I mean, indenpendent from her.

 

I do understand her insecurity, but know that it is just that, insecurity. For whatever reason, she is insecure about your relationship with another female.

 

Do you have male friends as well?

Is she controlling?

Does she make other decisions for you?

[brichard]

yes, i used to have many many female friends and less male friends, but now i have much more male friends and only a select few female friends. i am not tryin to be independent from her. she is not controlling at all. I just feel very strongly that a relationship should add, not subtract, from your life. The first time we went out we made the mistake of throwing our friends to the side to be together, im not going to let that happen again. I am a nice kid, and i just feel that i should be able to talk to this girl, with boundries. i would not be alone wit this girl, and would never do anything with her or be close to her and i have told my girlfriend this. she is very jealous and insecure. right now she is dealing with alot because she jst moved about 1 1/2 hours away, when she used to live up the street. so its a big change for us and that might have something to do with this but im jst not willing to lose things. i would do anything for her...besides lose friendships because i have had trouble in the past and lost lots of friends due to girlfriends and jst overall depression (im all better now)....i now have a new group of friends which i am not willing to lose. My girlfriend keeps giving the guilt trip saying that she would do it for me, and that even if i asked her to stop talking to her BEST friend (female) that she would do it just because she loves me. now hwen she said that i knew something is wrong bc i kno she would never do that. Who would do that? i dont kno

[AwdreeHpburn]

Yeh - sounds to me like you should stand your ground and make as little deal of it as is possible.

 

The more of an issue this turns into, the bigger deal it will seem. There is really nothing wrong with having friends. Male or female.

 

And yet at the same time....if there was a guy you knew liked her romantically or was interested in her, would you be completely confident knowing they were hanging out as just friends? Maybe becoming better friends?

 

Or the poor guy too, wouldn't you think maybe she would be giving him false hope hanging out with him when she and he both know that's as far as it will go? And what about the time you two have a small argument about something minor but he's there for her to hear her complain.

[n83]

Your girlfriend started an unprovoked catfight?? What is wrong with her, and why are you still with her??? I understand her being jealous but there is absolutely no reason to act like that. I think you need to stand up for yourself more and put your foot down on her behavior. Instead of standing up for that girl you claimed to be friends with, you let your girlfriend get way out of line .. that's just messed up

[brichard]

naw naw she didnt start a fight. this girl called me one night and was like get ur girlfriend down here i want to fight her. apparently this was due to someone telling her "oh brians girlfriend wants to fight u" and she was drunk. anyways i didnt tell my girlfrend but apparently her friend heard me on the phone and told my girlfriend. so my girlfriend went down there and i had to follow her. what ended up happening was no contact. my gf and her friend went down there wit me and they jst yelled at this girl bc she backed down and cried even tho she had friends wit her. so when my gf saw her the other night she was still pissed bc this girl called her to fight but then when she went there the girl wouldnt fight. so naw she didnt start anything. but yea she was fucing stupid and i jst finally put my foot down and i was like * * * * it im not gditching my friends for u. i love you but i cant lose friends jst bc u dont trust me. so learn to trust me, and deal with it....or do whatever u want. so she jst broke up wit me. surprisingly im not rele that hurt right now bc i rele figure she will be back but i dunno...things are weird....

 

oh and by the way NO i didnt let my gf act like tht i stood up for my friend and told her to shut up, forced her into my car eventually and took her outta there b4 * * * * got outta hand. and i broke up wit her tht night. then she called in theimiddle of the night apologizing and crying so i gave her another chance and tolday she jst started talking about how things between her and this girl were fine (bc this girl apologized to her later that night) and then said she jst didnt want me around her. she expects that if im out wit my frinds and this girl comes, that i wil leave and not allow her in my car or anything like that. i mean i wont b alone wit her or anything but seriously i cant stand this * * * *

[Mavh25]

If i was your current girlfriend and you were talking to a girl you were seeing while we split i'd be peeved but i would know i wouldnt have a right to, but id probably do the same as she is doing.

 

Does she still talk to the guys she was with? like you said, it sounds reasonable that you jsut would'nt ignore her in conversation, i think your just going to have to reassure her that shes the one you want. Do not make a point of talking to the other girl, yeah ofcourse talk to ehr, and don't always make a point of mentioning that you saw her, even though it may be the right thing, she would only think "why did you feel the need to mention that?" and it will escalate...

[brichard]

finally a reasonable person haha thanks. yea like i completely see her point but yes she still talks to the people she had been with. the way i see it is the past is the past and when she broke up and went wit other ppl then i had the right to also. i of course dont make a point to talk to her, but in conversation of course i will converse with her. i just dont know what to do. i keep tryin to convince her and she says she knows that but always keeps thinking of the what ifs. sometimes she can be like narcisistic (only thinking about bad things i think thats what that means lol) and it gets old bc its hard to convince her im true to her and want nothing to do with any girl besdies her.

[Mavh25]

Yeah but you have to understand her point of view, no girl likes to see the girl that their partner has slept with, we always wonder if you compare us, even when we HAVENT seen them, and she has and maybe she feels insecure, she may even feel insignificant and like shes in competition.

 

I do think that in order to clear this up you DO need to tell your girlfriend you will stay away from this girl. Otherwise it will go on and on and on, but dont lie to her just dont tell her if you see her.

 

Ya should consider just trying to avoid that girl for a while though, until it all settles.

[brichard]

yea thats the thing too, i never slept with her. we hooked up a couple times but i never slept with her. i couldnt. we only did more then like cuddle and make out like twice because i kept realizing i jst couldnt do anything when all i could think about was my ex (my current gf now). And there is nothing my gf should b insecure about she is alot better looking then this other girl. but yea i just dont kno what to do. it would be alot easier to jst like tell her im not talking to her and if i see her still talk to her, and jst not telll. and then if im wit my gf and we see her to jst ignore her. but i rele cant lie to my girlfriend. im a firm believer in give what u want to receive or whatever. i wouldnt want her lying jst to save my feelings. im jst stuck in a lose lose situation

[Mavh25]

Well it is a self esteem and insecurity issue, wether you say your current gf is better looking than your other we will still ALWAYS think you're comparing us in your mind.

 

The fact that you did not sleep with this girl ebcause you were stillthinking of your ex, to me personally that would mean alot to me to hear that, but at the same time you would have to word it PERFECTLY to get the relaxed response from her so maybe its just too much hassle to do that. Depending on ehr personality she may say "so you were thinking about sleeping with her?" believe me... woman can twist things lol.

 

I woulld'nt do the ignore her with your girlfriend, talk to her without, because if your current gf finds out she will wonder what you're hiding, and plus is just really cruel to the other girl.

 

Ya actually need to say to your gf, look, i'm not a rude person, Im not going to be horrible and ignore this girl if shes involved in a conversation. But i understand how you feel, so i wont make a point of doing so, i didn't want to and was'nt going to anyway" let her know that you see her point of view

[brichard]

yea we worked everything out today. i told her i would not start a conversation with this girl. but i still stood strong and said what u were saying like bla bla im not a rude person and i refuse to ignore someone. so i said merely if she was to say hello i would say hello back, and maybe a "how ya doin" but other then that i was like dont worry. i had mentioned the thing about how if shes involved in a convo that i am i cant jst ignore her but she still gets scared. i think she doesnt fully understand bc shes the type of person that if she doesnt like you, you know it. like you wont get a word outta her besides a sarcastic one lol.

[Mavh25]

haha, bless. Im glad you felt you could speak to her about it, im really happy you kind of sorted it out. If she still feels insecure and mentions it give her a hug n kiss and say ya know basically compliment her. Good luck hehe