Fought with Dad - Help...

[Third Wheel]

I'll explain the situation first. Me and my father are living alone right now, with my little brother and mother on a trip (they'll be back in about a week). And, in my house / culture, respect for your elders is up there on the list. As in, my grandmother actually tells me things such as "Your parents are before god."

 

Me and my father have our moments of being nice to one another, but more often then not, we're arguing.

 

Today, I came home after spending the afternoon with a friend. When I arrive, my father berates me, telling me how I shouldn't be in the car with her. Its not that she's a girl, but she's from a different culture, which is the problem. He's fine if its with other people of the same ethnicity though. When he mentions this, I start arguing. This elevates up until he tells me, "Don't talk to me," and after that I explode. We have a fifteen minute shouting match, both of us yelling and cursing, and when he reaches out to grab my hand, I threw a plate on the floor (it shattered into quite a few pieces, and I cut myself a little, but I didn't want to get into a fist fight with him). After that, I haven't talked to him, and don't really want to.

 

I have no idea what to do, I don't really want to apologize to him, because I know he won't change.

 

Help...

[Third Wheel]

I just found my father crying upstairs in his office area. This is his first time actually crying where I could see it, which makes this different from any one of our other fights...

 

The thing is, he's never changed before, after we've fought and made up, so we tend to fight about the same stuff. So, I'm not looking forward to apologizing, since I know it won't accomplish anything...

 

But about the parents and God comment, my grandmother said it. She's very...VERY religious, so she didn't mean it in any blashephemous way, and I do agree with her to a certain point on that. Your parents are extremely important, they take care of you, work for you, and such, just so you can have a better life. I do agree with that, but, with my dad, i don't really have to opportunity to express that. We fight way too much, and I think this one might have been the biggest one yet, since he's actually crying...

 

z9z, that's what I've normally done. Let a day go by or so, giving us both time to calm down, but, this time, he's actually crying, and this time I don't want things to go back being like they used to be.

[crayzee]

arrive, my father berates me, telling me how I shouldn't be in the car with her. Its not that she's a girl, but she's from a different culture, which is the problem. He's fine if its with other people of the same ethnicity though.

 

What is your ethnicity and what is hers...?

[robowarrior]

Your dad is a rascist. My dad would be the same, narrow minded people are dumb. What it creates is a situation of hatred , the solution? People like your dad are simular to a bomb, if something lights the fuse they go KABOOM! So if you don't want to keep on fighting with your dad, you will have to act different towards him.

 

If you want a better relationship with your dad, you will need to be on the same frequency as him, and have a simular interest in something that you can share and talk about. When he is angry at you, you don't want to get angry at him , you'll only give another spin to that wheel of hatred, you see you can't fight evil with evil, you can only fight evil with love, which will end the movement of that wheel of hatred, because you refuse to give another spin to it. I would say something like this ' obvious for a grown up adult man, its impossible to understand that she is just as human being as you yourself. And its 'unbelievable that you can't understand that'.

[crayzee]

... People like your dad are simular to a bomb, if something lights the fuse they go KABOOM! So if you don't want to keep on fighting with your dad, you will have to act different towards him.

 

I agree with robowarrior. Your father does seem racist. I also like the bomb analogy. If your father says that you shouldn't be in a car with a girl of a different race. Try to justify yourself. If he starts to get overly and unnecessarily angry, just count to 10, breathe and walk away... The the situation incubate.

 

I also agree that you should focus on "positive' things with your father right now. For instance, if he likes golf, try to gain some interest in golf. Creating a strong bond might make him more understanding to your personal life ....

[Iceman26]

Personally, I'd blow him off. Some day soon you will be able to move out on your own, and will be able to do whatever you like.

 

I have the same kind of relationship with my father, but I just use sarcasm and that usually shuts him up. You can't change people, but in return the can't change you either.

 

Like if I was in your situation, when your dad made the comment about not riding in a car with someone of a different race, i would have said "I'm sorry Dad, I forgot how bad that might make you look at your next KKK rally".

 

Don't back down from your position, but try not to lose your cool too.

[Iceman26]

 

thats wholyyyy * * * * man !! bull * * * * god before any1 u understand???

 

Not for everyone.

[yeawutever]

Parents coming before god, now that doesn't apply to everyone, this isn't true to me, as I'm atheist myself. However like another poster say parents are important, they do feed you, provide you education, support you financially, etc.

 

Do agree that your dad seems to be very racist and since he did cry, it does means you cares about you but doesn't wanna hear from your point of view, that's common among parents and children, arguments does happen and parents, esp. dad always expecting the child to say "Oh I was worng, I'm sorry", but if you feel you did nothing wrong, which is true, you didn't do anything, DON'T apologize, just tell him how you feel about that girl and get offended when he makes those remarks and that everyone is a human being, only the character within the person matters.

 

 

[z9z]

Not for everyone.

 

 

 

YES FOR EVERYONE God Got us here to life dear your mom your dad even you he is on your parents you me and every1

[yeawutever]

YES FOR EVERYONE God Got us here to life dear your mom your dad even you he is on your parents you me and every1

 

I don't think it's fair to apply god to everyone, I'm a devoted atheist and happy about it!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

[Third Wheel]

***Sorry, this post turned out a bit longer then I thought it would***

 

I decided to head to a friend's house for the night, just to let us cool down some. I came home a few hours ago, made dinner for both of us (my dad had all the food out --> which I take as a sign that atleast we'll be able to function for the time being, with keeping the house running and such). But, we've gone into strained politeness mode. I haven't talked to him yet, except for small necessary things such as "I'm taking out the trash." I really don't know what to do, he's got a short fuse (thanks robowarrior for the bomb analogy ) but he also cools down pretty quickly. So, I still don't know what to do to try to mend things between us.

 

And ya, he's a bit rascist, but I don't think he's planning on changing any time soon. He's nice enough in person to them, but thinks that anyone besides our own ethnicity is a bad influence due to their different respective cultures.

 

We do share one common interest, we both are pretty avid tennis players. Not good, but we like it. Except, even when I do play with him, I just seem to get angry. Its just that all the small things about him frustrate me (I know he loves me and my family very much...I think), and same of me to him. Small example, when we play tennis together, he'll continually play out balls, which kind of gets annoying clearly when the point's over.

 

I mean, everytime I spend time with him, we end up getting mad at each other, its tough. I'd really rather be on his good side, because he has taken care of me (generally speaking, besides a few bruises and such) and helped me financially with school, and putting me on their car insurance (I think that was my mom's doing though). ITS JUST I CAN'T STAND SPENDING TIME WITH HIM! ](*,)

 

I know right now I can go apologize to him, and things will go back to normal, but he won't have changed at all, which I don't think I can handle anymore, so I'm keeping it no contact as much as possible.

 

Just to set the record straight, I do believe in God, I just haven't found a religion yet. And, really, in my culture, parents do come first. Moving out really isn't an option, because in the future, I'll be living with them anyways. As in, in my culture, after I'm married, settled down, probably in my thirties (a LONG way to go), my parents will end up coming to live with me, or very close by. Me and my brother will support them when they're older, like they did for us. Its just the way things work in my family. The only way I can actually see moving out is practically disowning my entire family, with whom I'd rather attached to, or atleast parts of it.

 

So...I REALLY want to work things out with my dad, but I have no idea how...I feel soon they'll be another fight coming on. We've never made it more then a week without having a yelling match, unless I'm out of town.

[z9z]

Yes For Every One>> God Brought You Life So Wake Up Guys

[yeawutever]

Yes For Every One>> God Brought You Life So Wake Up Guys

 

And once again, don't apply god to everyone, what about athiest?? I'm happy about it and do love my parents.

 

[Third Wheel]

Even besides atheist, in my culture, and in religious writings and teachings in my family, parents DO come before God. Or a better way to put it, the idea of parents is a manifestation of God, someone who loves you unconditionally, takes care of you, etc.

 

z9z, I understand your point and all, but, some people just have different views, which are just as right as you are.

 

And, I'm still scared about my dad, its a been about 4 days, and we're still on strained politeness mode. I'm wondering whether or not I should start just lying (white) to stop him from criticizing me. Just so there's no tension. I've never outright lied about whom I'm spending time with before, or what I'm doing, but, thats always caused us to fight...

 

So, is that a reasonable idea? I'm not planning on doing anything inappropriate (drugs, drinking, etc), but I just don't like the idea of having to lie to stop fighting with him...

[yeawutever]

Yea I hate the idea of strained politeness, I'm kinda still in that position too so you're not alone. Just tell him you respect his views towards that certain issue but that doesn't obligate you to share them!!!!!!!

 

[z9z]

you guys i understand parents sound so important to everyone but please god is number 1 am sure u love him the same way i do he fed us he got us 2 world sooo respect him and look up to him ... i swear to god i sometimes look in the sky and talk to him crying it just feel sooo good ...

[Iceman26]

Well, everyone feels differently.

[Third Wheel]

Well, I think I've kind of temporarily solved me and my Dad's problem. Both of us aren't very good cooped up together, and I decided to go walking with him in the mornings, just to "spend time" with him. I don't even have to talk to him, so it seems to work. And, we haven't fought for over a week now, but I've had to lie a little to him so he wouldn't get on my case.

 

I know in any relationship, whether it be family, friends, or romantic, lying isn't very...helpful, but right now for me, it seems to work. And there just white lies...

 

z9z, I agree with you completely. God is either on the top of your list, or not on it at all. (either ways fine really) I do believe in God, but, its a cultural difference. And, well, ya gotta understand that things are done differently in other places in the world, and just because ya don't agree, doesn't mean their wrong. So, kind of think of it from my point of view. I do believe in God, but, I praise my parents first, or I'm supposed to atleast. Thats just the way it is, sorry man.

 

Thanks guys for the advice.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Hello there Third Wheel, ive read throw the thred and would like to add some points.

 

There are a few things I would like you to concider, and thinks I think you should think about.

 

With your age 17 your at that point where you are defining who you are, that means finding the line when you start and your perants end, for most of your life they have been the main influance and for them that has been just how they like it. But now you are becoming a man, seeing your farther crying is one of thows moments when you realise that thay are human just like your self. They have age and expreance but deep down part of them is just like you self trying to work out what to do in life with out a rehersel.

 

Your dad has know you from when he held you as a new born and that can mean that he still sees you as a boy and not yet as the man you will become.

Falling out over this will be one of mean things you will fall out over, thats becouse he can not live your life for you only you can do that.

 

Most dads make plans for there kids, direations they would like them to in and ones they worry about. See deep down you dads shouting and haveing a go is all about the fact hes scared stuff your going to do some thing to hart your self and then him.

 

dont think hes a racest I think hes a cultureist, his culture is his cunfert zone he knows in and knows if you stay with in it he can worrys less and have less fear. Its that fear you have to deal with, Im sorry at 17 you should not have to do this but I dont see away way around it with out giveing in to him and walking away from him.

 

What you have to do I believe is tell him that you must agree to disagree, he must respect your views. This is the time when you needs his gidance not his control thows days are over.

 

The best way to do this is ask for his advice and thinks, talk throw stuff and then when it comes to this girl say he should meet her, talk to her and see whats shes like. But on your terms this is after all your life.

 

Soon you will move away and he needs to see that you can look after your self, this is hard but in the end he will repect you more for saying what you feel with out shouting it.

 

The hard part is he knows all the buttons to make you react to what hes saying. This is the biggest test you will ever have of self control conner you anger here and throw out your life now one will get to you.

 

Show him the man you are becoming by taking responcabilty for the ditions you make dont lie to him, thats what a child would do and you no longer that your post tells me this and he can see it to if he would only look.

 

For faith thats up to you I do not tell others what to believe in when it comes to faith, I will point our inconsitances and hyporisey but I will never say belife on god is wrong, thats between you and your god/s.

 

I hope my words help and I hope you think over what I say.

 

One day you farther will be at the end of his life, you will have to be there for him as them man you will become. Love and respect him now and show him that your chouces are your own and he must respect you for them.

 

If you ever need help, think on my three words

 

Truth, Strenth and Honnor

 

Be true

Be string in body and mind for others

Have honnor for yourself for trying to do good

and honnor others who seek to do good in this world