Can you guys answer this for me??

[Riggz41510]

I have a young lady that has been in my life for 10 years. She knows me very well, and she is a great girl who loves me dearly. My problem is that I can't show her the right kind of love because I am still in love with my ex. She has a idea of what's going on, but doesn't know the whole story..

 

My problem is that I enjoy being around her, but it reminds me of how I wanted my ex to be so bad.. She is every thing my ex is not in the good sense.

 

She knows I'm still in love with my ex, yet still manages to deal with me, but I can see it taking it's course on her she wants me to be for her and only her.. How can women be so strong like this.. That's why I admire and love women so much!!!

 

Do you think I should just let her go totally.. its so hard because we are good friends also.. I know its not fair to her..

[Lynn.Schmitt]

This girl of yours sounds like a true keeper, and you're going to be very upset with yourself for a very long time if you let her go.

In my opinion, I think you should seriously get to work on forgetting that ex of yours and start focusing on this girl. Seriously.

This girl is everything your ex is not in a good sense? Even better. Celebrate those and just remember how this new girl is everything your ex was not... and probably more.

 

Girls like the one you have don't come around often.

[Riggz41510]

Its so hard to give her my all when I am not totally emotionally all there. I've hurt her so much, as far as the back and forth with my ex..

 

I love her.. Its just I feel I'm not being fair to her.. I don't want to lose her. Its all just so confusing!!

[hosswhispra]

My problem is that I enjoy being around her, but it reminds me of how I wanted my ex to be so bad.. She is every thing my ex is not in the good sense.

 

She knows I'm still in love with my ex, yet still manages to deal with me, but I can see it taking it's course on her she wants me to be for her and only her.. How can women be so strong like this.. That's why I admire and love women so much!!!

 

Do you think I should just let her go totally.. its so hard because we are good friends also.. I know its not fair to her..

 

If you're still in love and living with your ex, then yes, I think you should be fair to your friend and let her go. Otherwise, you're being unconsciously selfish by making her think that you guys have a romantic shot together as a couple.

 

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

[Riggz41510]

No I don't live with my ex. I live alone now!

[RayKay]

I think it's truly unfair to your girl to be continuing this while being in love with your ex, and wishing your ex was all this girl was, rather than being happy this girl is NOT your ex!

 

She is staying through it not because she is strong, but because she too is maybe not sure she deserves better, or maybe she does not realize how deep you truly feel. I can say this though, it does NOT make her feel good to know you love your ex.

 

It's not fair to stay with her when you are not emotionally "all there" for her. It is going to hurt her more in the long run - she stays as she has hope, but it's not healthy for either of you.

 

How long have you been dating? When was the breakup with ex? Are you still in contact?

 

Is it possible you are in love with the idea of the ex more than actually her?

[hosswhispra]

My problem is that I can't show her the right kind of love because I am still in live with my ex. She has a idea of what's going on, but doesn't know the whole story..

 

 

Oops, sorry! I read it kind of fast. You had a typo. I see now. You said you're still in love (typed as live) with your ex.

 

If you're still in love with your ex, you need to be fair to your friend and let her go until you feel otherwise. Maybe you just need some time to heal, now.

[Riggz41510]

What do you think the difference is being in love with someone versus the idea of being in love with someone?? Never really saw it that way before

[Allie.]

All I have to say is:

 

i think you need a lot of time to heal on your own too. I think I read your other posts and from the sounds of your situation...i think you need some time to heal. Be fair to yourself first. GIVE yourself that time. If you do that, then you'll also be fair to this "friend girl" because you'll have to tell her that you're not ready for another relationship.

 

I was in this very situatione x-cept I was the "friend girl". I always stuck with the guy who had a recent break-up [which in this case is you]. It was very unfair to me. Please don't do the same thing my guy did to me to this "friend girl." She cares for you. a lot. just like I did with my guy. PLEASE respect that and LET HER GO for right now.

 

Best o luck.

Allie.

[flower99]

What do you think the difference is being in love with someone versus the idea of being in love with someone?? Never really saw it that way before

 

 

I'm sure RayKay can explain this better.

but from personal experience. I was in love with the idea of being in love with my ex. He was the father of my child, I knew him, was comfortable with him, share a lot together, had a lot of history, COULD have an awesome life together. the idea of it I loved and was perfect...but reality wasn't.

But I wasn't in love with him. He wasn't what I wanted in a man. There were too many things I'd want to change in him. I couldn't be in love with the person he was. I loved him, always will, but not IN LOVE with him.

I found what I wanted in my man in my best friend. He was everything my ex wasn't. And everything I needed.

[RayKay]

I'm sure RayKay can explain this better.

but from personal experience. I was in love with the idea of being in love with my ex. He was the father of my child, I knew him, was comfortable with him, share a lot together, had a lot of history, COULD have an awesome life together.

But I wasn't in love with him. He wasn't what I wanted in a man. There were too many things I'd want to change in him. But I couldn't be in love with the person he was. I loved him, always will, but not IN LOVE with him.

I found what I wanted in my man in my best friend. He was everything my ex wasn't. And everything I needed.

 

You explained it pretty well flower!

 

For me, it refers to how you idealize them, how you keep recycling the memories (be they real or imagined) of them in their "perfection" so fall in love with that dream.

 

You love them for whom you WISH they could be (which you are doing in terms of wishing your ex had qualities of your present gf) rather then for what they truly ARE.

 

When you think of them, you imagine and fall in love with what things COULD be like, rather than what they truly are.

[lady00]

Are you officially dating this woman or are you just friends? I'm a little confused...