Game playing to keep them interested?

[PutYourBackIntoIt]

Though I'm not doing research or anything, I've been playing games with my on again off again lover. Now this interests me because what I've been doing could be considered manipulation. When I don't call my bf for a couple days, he's calling me like crazy. But when I call him, I never hear from him and he kind of ignores me. He says he will call back, the phone will be dead for the rest of the night. Now when he's called me, and I say "Ok I have to go, goodbye" and I am the one ending the phone call first, he will call me back later that night. Hmmm. When I act disinterested in him anymore, and I give him an attitude, he invites me over, wants to go to dinner...etc. Now when I act interested in him still, he doesn't even want to see me! WHen I turn down his offers to hang out, he's calling me the next day seeing if I want to hang out again. Now if I were to call him to hang out, he would say no. Now I understand that not all relationships are like this, but I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced anything like this? And please don't tell me that what I'm doing is cruel, and mind games are immature, because I already know that.

[annie24]

I did when I was in high school!

 

23. don't you think you're getting too old for this?

[PutYourBackIntoIt]

Don't you think he's too old to be falling for it?

[PutYourBackIntoIt]

What I want to know, is why are some guys like this? I'm reading "Why Men Love * * * * *es" and it basically says what I've said in my post. Alot would say it's immature and manipulation, but when I try it on this guy, it really backs up the book. My grandmother always told me to never call a guy, never ask him to do anything such as a date, and always let him come to you. Maybe my crazy granny was right on this one.

[Goldfish6888]

Hmm, game playing does work initially. I tend to agree with the old school on a guy doing the pursuing at the start. I like to think of it as he needs to put the legwork in, in order for me to even think about him as a potential b/f.

I found any man, I chased after, never worked out. There does come a point, when you do have to be honest and say I like you, whether thats by something you do or say, doesn't matter. In order for it to move from a superficial level to really connecting, I think you do have to take a little risk. Let him call you, arrange a date. Go on the date and let him keep calling you. In the meantime, get out there and have other dates arranged too, so you're not focussing on this lad too much. It strikes me that he wants his cake and eat it. He is going to have to make more of an effort to get you ( after all YOU DESERVE THE BEST!!!

[RayKay]

I guess if you want a relationship where you have to always be on guard to remain aloof, are always playing games, can't ever expect them just to be there for you as they love and respect you and want to call, see you....then it is working pretty well.

 

If someone does not genuinely have interest in you for being YOU, and whom YOU are, they aren't worth the time it takes to play games in my opinion. Are you going to be doing this when you are 80....not calling him so he calls you and so on?

 

Live your life for you. Be independent, strong, fun, pursue your passions....that is what makes you interesting. Not playing artificial games.

[PutYourBackIntoIt]

Do men typically grow out of this? Or do they turn out to be these eternal bachelors we hear so much about? I have no problem finding dates, but most guys put me on a pedestal. But this one doesn't, and thereforeeee he intrigues me. I would love to figure him out, and understand why he treats women the way he does. I almost feel like I'm doing experiments on him lol. But he definitely fascinates me.

[RayKay]

he treats (you) the way he does

 

Because he can. Really not much more to it than that.

 

He can treat you this way, take what he wants, leave what he doesn't. He does not have to worry about putting his effort into a relationship, while still getting all the benefits of one from you (without the responsibility).

 

I am sure some men grow out of it, some men never did it in the first place, and some never do grow out of it. I firmly believe if they do grow out of it though it's on their own time for their own reasons. I have known some men whom automatically changed when they met the right person. However, it won't happen because you convinced him to change. If he has not "changed" by now with you, he won't.

[chai714]

You initially called him your on and off again lover. Then, you said he was your boyfriend. So, I assume this is one of your "on" times.

 

In all relationships (before actual "love" has set in), you can enact certain psychological principles. One principle is that when someone "likes" you, you should then limit your amount of availability to keep them interested. Conversely, if you ever want to get rid of someone then you should call them several times a day, email them, tell them how much you like them, and bake them cookies.

 

I see nothing wrong with what you're doing, except that if your goal in the end isn't "love" then you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Most everyone either knowingly or unknowingly manipulates a situation so that it falls in their favor. You're no different and neither am I.

[PutYourBackIntoIt]

No, definitely not in it for love. We are pretty good friends when we are not "on" and that seems to be the only time we can get along lol. I'm fairly positive that he will be in my life for a very long time...but even then I still won't be able to figure him out.

[Cute Band Rat]

I agree with RayKay and that usually people change when they are ready to..or when they are with the person they want to change for. I don' think there is anything to really figure out with this guy...he is the way he is. Playing games is tiring. If you're reading a book about why guys like Bi**** then you're playing games. Period. If you really want to know his intentions...stop calling him at all and see what he does...or doesn't do.

[annie24]

In all relationships (before actual "love" has set in), you can enact certain psychological principles. One principle is that when someone "likes" you, you should then limit your amount of availability to keep them interested. Conversely, if you ever want to get rid of someone then you should call them several times a day, email them, tell them how much you like them, and bake them cookies.

 

.

 

*sigh* that is sooooo depressing!!!

 

when can I ever tell a guy I like him? Isn't ok to say that after dating for several months?

[Sisyphus]

Do men typically grow out of this? Or do they turn out to be these eternal bachelors we hear so much about? I have no problem finding dates, but most guys put me on a pedestal. But this one doesn't, and thereforeeee he intrigues me. I would love to figure him out, and understand why he treats women the way he does. I almost feel like I'm doing experiments on him lol. But he definitely fascinates me.

 

To be put on a pedestal. What does that mean? I've heard it used in many different ways. So what do you mean by that?

 

No I'm not just being pedantic, I dont really know what it means! Give me a break, english isn't my first language.

[annie24]

to put someone up on a pedestal is to put them "higher" than you. So, maybe the guy is constantly telling her, "you are so beautiful, so smart, so lovely, so perfect, you are the most perfect woman ever..." etc....

[rachelb]

don't play games because the games end up playing you. and once your relationship is based on games, there's some point where it runs out and it's frustrating because both of you won't give in.

 

trust me on this one, been there, done that. it's not the way to make someone like you in the long run. it's only temporary.

[comets_21]

PutYourBackIntoIt,

 

I read your post and from my own experiences I can tell you that I feel the same way as you. As soon as I stop calling or act uninterested they are right back there. I am about the same age as you and I really hope not all my relationships will be like this in the future.

I agree with RayKay's point of view. I do not want to have to stay aloof in order to have someone interested in me. I've been there and it is not a comfortable relationship.