I can't even come out to my gay best friend

[northernlights]

Ugh, this is so frustrating. I know I talk a lot about being sure that I'm bi with a sexual preference for females at this point, and I tell people not to label themselves and just like whoever they like, but I can't even practice what I preach.

 

I was going to come out to one of my best friends (who is a gay guy) today, but when the time came up, I completely froze. I'm accross the world from him doing an internship now so I was going to do it through instant messenger while he was talking to me online. I had it all typed up on the screen and it was completely appropriate to the conversation since we were discussing lesbians, but I just couldn't push the damn "Send" button. I waited 15 minutes, and then he signed off and went to bed.

 

I'm not completely sure why I'm posting this, but I need to vent and maybe need some advice on how to do this. I know I have to come out to people eventually, but I didn't think it would be so hard. This is one of my best friends who is gay himself, has tons of lesbian friends, and looks/acts more like a butch d y k e than a gay male. How much easier could it get for me? If I can't even come out to him, how the heck am I supposed to come out to my super traditional friends, especially to the one who is also a very close friend but who doesn't "believe" in gay people?

[NKP]

Send an email to him or something and dont tell everyone else until you are ready. im sure your friends will accept you for who you are and well if they dont well they werent real friends

[UT]

Don't rush it. You need to say it when you're rady. Think about it. You know, for sure that he will not stop liking you. The thing is maybe you're just not quite ready yet.

[mccarleighp]

why dont you try to write your mate an e-mail that way it might not be so hard because you know that he will not be sitting waiting for you to reply to something

[Tigris]

I agree send him an email and tell him you're not ready to 'come out' totally yet and he's the only one that knows.

 

You know for definite that he's going to accept you, so I would say it's a lot easier than telling someone when you're not sure of their reaction.

 

I wish my 'coming out' had been that easy!

[northernlights]

Thanks everyone. I really can't stand emails actually (too impersonal, too much one sided talking...I HAVE to see someone's reaction to things I say). I don't even like instant messengers at all, and only use them when I absolutely have to, like when I'm away in another country for my summer job. But I guess I'll just have to muster up the courage and hit the darn send button, huh?

 

And Tigris, if it makes you feel better, my coming out story definitely won't be so easy once I get back to school. My friend lives in a different state and is my most liberal, open-minded friend. My other friends that I'm close with are really conservative and traditional. I'm not sure how that happened since I'm definitely a crazy liberal at times, but it sure isn't going to be easy coming out to them. That's what REALLY scares me.

[Tigris]

If that's the case just confide in your gay friend and wait until you're ready to tell the others. The first person is the worst to tell. After that I discovered it got easier unless I was telling my older relatives and I wasn't sure of their reaction. The worst person to tell was my father because I wasn't sure how he'd take the news. He started to fill up with tears but he said, 'It's your life and you do what you want with it.' I felt so relieved I nearly burst into tears myself. I didn't have to tell my Mother because she died in the millennium year. I'm pleased she's not alive because she wouldn't have taken it so easily.

 

If you ever need to talk or just vent PM me anytime.

 

Take care.

[Managor]

Maybe tell him you need to talk to him about something very personal, and slowly edge your way towards it. Let him know it's hard for you to say straight off and hopefully he can help you into telling him comfortably.

[FoxLocke]

You don't have to rush. Just go at your own pace.

 

I think the e-mail Idea is good. Hell, a handwritten letter would be even better. However, that might make you more tense. I might go with e-mail.

[northernlights]

Thanks for the suggestions from everyone! I finally did it really quickly while we were talking on instant messenger. Wrote it out, hit the send button, and then disappeared for lunch. When I came back, he had signed off but left lots of "OMG I LOVE IT" messages. Hahaha, I feel so much better now.

 

Thanks again for your support in me doing this! If only coming out to everyone else was so easy!

[Managor]

That's great news, I'm glad you mustered the courage to tell him

 

And coming out to everyone just takes time. A few days ago I told my mother, and she was fine with it, albeit perhaps a little disappointed she may never have grandchildren.

[Tigris]

Well done Northernlights!

[Deviant_Kate]

Coming out can be terrifying, and it's unfortunately something that's never really finished, because you meet new people all the time. You have to really trust someone to tell them, and even then it takes courage. You should be proud of yourself for mustering the courage to tell your friend.

 

As for the more conservative friends back home - you don't have to rush into telling them. Spend some time with them, get back in the swing of things, and remember that there's no law saying you MUST be out to all your friends. You get to decide who knows and who doesn't. My long-time friends all know, but most of my friends from college don't, and my work friends don't. I've told most of my dad's side of the family, but not my mom's. My grandma knows, but my uncle (her son) does not. I get to pick and choose. Honestly, not everyone NEEDS to know.

 

You get to pick your own in-crowd (or out in-crowd? In on being out crowd? Out to the in-crowd?). It's your life.