help :(

[CherryBlossom619]

OK! here we go. I was dating a guy for 4 years. i love him with all my heart. He's my best friend and more. but...

 

yesterday he sprung a huge surprise on me... he's east indian and im not, so his parents hated me, but of course i knew this and he said he didnt care and that we would work it out. but yesterday he calls me crying, telling me that its been bothering him for a while and that we have to break up.

 

i am a complete wreck. im not strong and i really can't handle this. i love this guy like crazy and i feel like im dieing inside now that we arent together. ive begged him to stay with me because we cant work through it but he doesnt even wanna talk to me for more than 5 minutes.

 

help me. please. i dont have any true friends to talk to this about, and my mom (my backbone) is away and wont be back for another week and a half. i have no one to comfort me. im so scared and alone.

[annie24]

welcome to eNotalone.

 

I am sorry to hear of your situation. what happened during the phone call? what did he say? you have been together for so long, why is it such a problem now?

[CherryBlossom619]

annie, he called me and we were talking normally. then he said that he has been feeling stressed out lately because of our situation, then he broke up with me. i dont know why he decided to do this now, i know things could have worked out between us.

[brokencoop]

i am so sorry to hear this! a break up of any duration is awful, especially if it is unexpected. i know this doesn't help, but i too was just crushed by the person i loved for over 4 years... if you need someone to talk to feel free to e-mail me (and if you have aim i can give you that of mine also) just know, i KNOW what you are feeling.. you may feel like no one could understand what its like, but im there right now too, and i would love to have someone to talk to! i know what you mean about your mom being your backbone (im actually thinking of moving home for my last year of school, part of the reason being this breakup....) but ya, i'll send you my e-mail in a private message, if you ever want to just talk!

[annie24]

why did he call you instead of talking in person? do you two live far away from each other?

[coollady1957]

I take it this is the same guy that you were broken up with back in April. You mentioned in your first thread here that you break up frequently and get back together and you said you really wanted it to be over for good that time.

 

It seems that he does have a bit of family pressures maybe due to that he is east indian and your are not.

 

I also wondered what your ages are, you and your boyfriend ?

[annie24]

oh, that's right!

 

so, you guys have broken up several times before. it seems this is a habit?

[CherryBlossom619]

brokencop, i cant receive private messages so my AIM is Niki514514

 

coollady, yes it is the same guy. after april things were fantastic. thats why i am taking this so hard now. we're both very young, 19 years old.

 

annie, we dont live far away, he just didnt want to say it in person i guess, i dont really know. and yes, it used to be a habit, but things were going so well

[annie24]

well, 19 is very young. he probably feels a lot of pressure from his family and hasn't learned a sense of self-reliance.

 

you two have had a lot of problems - what had you done since april to get over them? did you talk things out?

[CherryBlossom619]

annie, we just stopped letting the little things bother us so much. (jealousy, etc) we talked ALOT about our relationship and realized that we were right for each other, and things were going very smoothly

[annie24]

it's been 3 months since your last break up. how often were you breaking up before?

 

maybe you two are both addicted to the drama?

[CherryBlossom619]

one a month probably, for a day or two, but then things were back to normal. i definitely do not enjoy breaking up, it stressing me to the point of physical pain. so i dont think im addicted to the drama. and i know for sure that he goes through hell when we break up also

[annie24]

what you're describing is NOT normal. yes, breakups are tough, which is the exact reason that people don't keep breaking up every month if they are good for each other.

 

so, over 4 years, 12 breakups a year, you have had about 48 breakups? That is more than I've had in all my 15 years of dating life! Don't you think that is excessive?

 

at the pace you are going, I bet you two will get back together in a few days, but aren't you getting tired of this yo-yo yet? It does sound like you two are both addicted to drama.

[CherryBlossom619]

i admit its alot but we used to use "its over" as a way of hurting each other (not normal i know) but we stopped. sometimes a breakup would last an hour.

[annie24]

well, you guys stopped for 3 months (april) but it seems it has started again....

 

seriously, I bet you will be back together within a few days, but do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?

 

wouldn't you rather be with someone who didn't break up with you every few days? wouldn't you rather be in a nice, normal relationship where you two just get along, and if you are having a problem, you talk it out instead of saying "it's over?"

[CherryBlossom619]

but now we do talk things out, we dont break up all the time. this time its over something serious.

[annie24]

but he has known that you are not east indian for 4 years. why is it suddenly such a problem?

[CherryBlossom619]

he said that he kept putting it off because we werent getting married anytime soon but then before he knew it 4 years went by, and now he had to face the fact that we couldnt be together because it wouldnt work out in the long run

[annie24]

he sounds immature.

[CherryBlossom619]

he's actually very mature

[annie24]

emotionally mature people don't keep another person hanging on for 4 years. And they most certainly don't break up over the phone! after 4 years, you deserve so much more. At least an in person breakup.

 

This is what I would do if I were in your shoes. I would sit down with him, in person, and say, "Look, I want to make things work, it doesn't matter to me that we are from different backgrounds. I love you, I want to be with you, I want to make it work. But, if this isn't what you want, if you are sure that I will never be your wife, then ok, I respect your decision. However, make sure that this is what you really want, because this is a serious issue, and if you are saying it's not going to work, then I'm leaving for good. You can't come back to me a few weeks from now, saying you changed your mind. This is our last breakup."

[BetterKarma]

CherryBlossom, I can relate with your bf. I'm chinese and my bf is irish. There's a lot of family pressure to deal with if your parents want you to marry a certain race. With my parents, they feel that a Chinese man would relate to me better than any other race and the added benefit of understanding our culture and our rules.

 

I have a lot of non-foreign friends asking me why I put up with a lot of the crap my family puts me through, but it's a culture thing. There's a lot of pressure and an underlying rule to be filial, regardless of your age. My parents, however, as much as they would like me to marry a Chinese man, they respect my decisions because ultimately I will be the person who will be living with my husband.

 

It's sad to say that there are a lot of strict families that are not as tolerant as my own. I have heard of stories where daughters and sons were disowned by their parents if they decided to marry outside of their race (ie. Chinese, Japanese, Russian, etc.)

 

I guess what I am getting at is that your bf is still very young. No matter how mature you might think he is. He is very conflicted by what his family tells him and how he really feels. Maybe now that he is older, his family might be pressuring him to settle down with a woman that he will marry. Either way, it's hard when families and cultures clashes. Does his family know that you two have been together for 4 years?

[saltwatergirl]

he's actually very mature

 

Really? And you think the way he has handled this is mature?

This guy just randomly out of the blue after 4 years decides he is stressed over your cultural difference and that it just "won't work out" now?? Before he knew it 4 YEARS went by? What?! Yeah okay, whatever.

 

That isnt whats going on here. I dont know what the real reason is, but I am 99% sure it's not THAT!! Please tell me you aren't falling for this lame excuse.

 

Salt

[CherryBlossom619]

thanks everyone, i really appreciate this.

annie, that sounds like a very good idea but he doesnt want to see me, he said to just get over it and move on... which hurts alot.

betterkarma, his family knows that we've been going out for a long time but i dont think they know that its been exactly 4 years. i dont think they would care anyways. they tell him that they will disown him if he doesnt marry an east indian girl.

salt, thanks but i really do believe that's why we're breaking up. he isnt the type to lie about something like this.

[canuckhead]

lol u know what...this sounds a bit like my ex ex. except she broke up with me becuz of MY family...bascially saying it's different than hers. and she ain't even that close to her own family! and we were together for 3years. these ppl just have a lotta growing up to do. ur not having a relationship with the family....ur having it with ur gf/bf. i mean...when u get older...how many times u gonna really see the others family anyways...maybe once or twice on the weekends...or maybe just during the holidays even. i think breaking up becuz their culture isn't the same as urs just shows how close-minded some ppl r. either that....or theres really some other underlying problems. (sorry...lol maybe i'm venting becuz it brought up past memories)