Tension over my NC contract

[Silentlyfor]

That's part of my problem though. I don't know how to get in touch with my emotions.... does anyone have any way of getting in touch with them or uncovering them?

[Silentlyfor]

Guys... I feel drained... I have no energy. I'm at an all intellectual low(I can't even read words right now). I think life is worth living and everything.... but I still think that there is not point....

 

The thing is... you know... this is going on and on... are emotional wounds really this debilitating? Will this go away? Like... I feel like I'm just a manic depressed guy obsessing about one girl.

[Silentlyfor]

My friend has just apologized(more or less) for the the way he has been handling things. I've told him that I want no mention of her or anything she is doing with her life.

 

So me and my friend got talking. He says that my self-esteem could use a lot of work. I agree. I think I should work on that.

 

And now I'm crying again...

[Silentlyfor]

Guys... I don't know why, but I feel I need some connection with my ex again. This is the most depressed I've been about this whole thing. I can't seem to let this go. I sincerely thing I need help. I've obviously gone over the deep end and I can't let her go. I WANT TO. but I can't. I don't know what I'm doing now.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think the stress of a breakup (which everyone knows is intense) can sometimes push people into a clinical depression... you said you felt like your IQ etc. had dropped, so your brain chemistry may be out of whack from the stress and you should definitely go to a doctor and tell them how stressed and depressed you are feeling and get some help... nothing wrong with getting help when you need it, whether medication or talk to a counselor about your feelings to help you thru a rough time.

 

contacting you ex will change nothing, just fan the flames of depression you are already feeling... it is like going to a dry well for a drink of water, there is no point to it, will only reinforce your sense of loss....

 

so the answer here is to move forward towards something positive in the future (and someone new who can give you the love you want), and get medical help if you need to do so, and don't look back towards someone who was the source of your pain...

 

hang in there, and remember, looking back into the past won't help build your future, just drag you down.

[Silentlyfor]

Just posting for the sake of posting. I'm having those shakes again and NC is draining me, as well as crying and yearning.

 

I need to cry more. It helps me let go.

[NCTuskie]

Hang in there Red, I know exactly how you feel. We know we should move on with our lives, but we're holding on to our ex's. NC is killing me to, I know that if I call her I'll feel worse, or may hear something that may push me over the edge, but I'm wanting to heal so I'll be able to deal with that when the time comes.

 

All the friends who talked to me the first week of the break up are all gone now. The phone calls I received have now all stopped, which leaves me alone with my thoughts. Probably the cause for my relapse now. I can't imagine being with somebody else. I don't feel like dating, and going on with my life is hard. To me it's an issue of mind over matter, no matter the hurt, if I tell myself it's what I need to do, I make myself do it. It's how I can cope.

[Silentlyfor]

Thank you everyone.... I think this was the worst part of my grief and I thank everyone here for helping me with advice. I feel this is probably the worst of it. My therapist said, exactly these words, you're doing a good job. Now cry more.

 

Crying is debilitating, but it does help. It helps me admit to the pain I feel. It makes me feel like myself again when I cry and feel what I need to feel. It's.... healthy.... to me.

 

But again, thank you everyone. I hope I can help you all as much as you helped me (and in the next coming weeks, vise versa)

[Silentlyfor]

I don't yearn for her. I don't want her back. I'm not really mad at her. Now I'm remorseful. I feel depressed because I feel she was the only chance I had and I blew it. I feel I will be alone forever. I feel she was the only person that would date a wussy sensitive guy like me. I feel like I blew the only real chance at a relationship.

 

I don't know why I feel this way. I just feel like I'm going to be single forever and she was the only person that I could ever get to be by my side. I know I can't have her back... but... I feel like.... I'm am the type of guys with a personality(not looks. I'm handsome) that no women can desire what so ever. I feel like even my ugly ex can find a guy within a moment... but I can't either because I'm unattractive, or too sensitive or not your typical manly type of guy.

 

I can't shake this.

[mikeca]

Ya I remember thinking that...how would anyone else fall for me ever again? well how'd it happen the first time, it was so out of the blue and unexpected. We think about it now because we want it to happen right now, its when we least expect things to change that they do.

[Silentlyfor]

Now I am Very * * * *ing angry and I don't know why. What the hell? I'm so mad RIGHT now. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!! WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING!!

[Silentlyfor]

Now my life is flashing before my eyes. What's going on?

[Silentlyfor]

guys... I think this is beyond grief. I think I'm manic depressed. My moods are a broad spectrum right now. I think I need medication, not professional help.

[saltwatergirl]

Now my life is flashing before my eyes. What's going on?

 

What does this mean, exactly?

 

I've noticed from your posts that your emotions are indeed flying in all directions. One minute fine, one angry, one sad and remorseful, one a blank, then back to fine, etc.

 

You're seeing a therapist...talk to the therapist about possible meds.

 

Salt

[Silentlyfor]

Yep... I think I'm actually bipolar. I think the rest of my problems are out of the scope of this forum.

[Silentlyfor]

Nevermind. The shrink says just to take it easy and not work so much at work. I don't think I can handle the OT at work right now. He says the anger I'm feeling is normal. He just tells me NOT TO ACT ON IT except to make it past my grief. This depression was due to stress, not manic depression.. (although eveyone in some form suffers this when the go through tough times).

[saltwatergirl]

It's been almost a month since you started this thread. Your emotions are no more under control then they were then. They go from one extreme to the other, very frequently. At some point, they should stabilize, no?

 

Salt

[Silentlyfor]

I hope so. Even I'm getting worried about myself. But the Shrink says "Nope. You just stlll have ALL those emotions about the whole thing."

 

So the emotions I've been displaying here... have been relatively normal.

[Silentlyfor]

When I was in my talk group, btw, they said it would mabey help if I tried, like REALLY tried, to see what my part in the relationship's end might be.

 

Turns out I was suppressing a lot of guilt over what I did.

 

I'm no longer angry with her and... well... I realized my part to play including the breakup. That doesn't, by any means, conclude this but at least I'm reading for the next step.

[saltwatergirl]

Sounds good that you are taking the focus off her and putting it onto yourself. I think that's going to do you a world of good. Concentrating on her is an excercise in futility, but YOU definitely are worth the time and effort.

 

Salt

[Silentlyfor]

Thank you so much for saying that. It's true. I can't focus on her. What I have to do is IMPROVE, CHANGE, and GROW. I realized I was being a little selfish for a little while there letting my pride take charge. I wanted control and it was that control that started my grief. But she doesn't matter anymore.

 

I have to realize, although she wasn't really that good to me(I still believe that), I have my part to play in the end of the relationship as well. I was a little reclusive and I did not pay enough attention to her when I could have. On top of that, the jealousy thing, although was a normal reaction, was a result of my perception of her and my pride.

 

I guess the real problem here is letting my pride go sometimes. Sure she was a bad gf(I will STILL stick by that), but I have my part to play as well. I think we can all learn from that.

[didyoumissme]

Hey Red, Keep Strong!!! Day 19 woohooo!!!

[Silentlyfor]

You have to create a positive self image and believe that whatever you are going through is just temporary. Everybody is born tough and so take charge of your life and dont let this situation get a hold of you. Take each day at a time. Make the most out of it. understand yourself better and develop a new hobby. Hang out with friends and meet new people. If you trust god, prayers help. Work out every day if you can and it will take the stress away if you have any. But never never sit around and have a pity party for yourself. Always keep pressing forward with positivity and confidence. You will do just great. You are a "can do person". When you have the courage to talk about it, I am sure you are bold enough to face it and walk out with a smile.

 

Thank you.

 

You're right. I"m feeling pretty good right now (despite being sick and crying once in a while). And it's coming to the point where it's not a matter of 'IF' but a matter of 'WHEN'.

 

I've converted to Wicca just yesterday, so religion is going to be a part of my daily life from now on. I've a year and a half of study as well before I become a full fledged Witch, however.

 

Exercise is something I don't usually have the motivation to do, but I do like to walk once in a while and it does help me think and mode my thinking into something constructive and palatable.

 

I must thank everyone on these boards. I hope you guys have been helped by myself as much as I helped all of you.

[Silentlyfor]

Guys... despite my last few days of depression and bawling episodes, I've been doing so good lately. I've barely thought of anything that happened and when I do, I don't emotionally react to it. I still have some depressing days, however, those are far and few in between.

 

In the last 2 months, I've really found out who I am. A passionate, intellectual and faithful person that can take things a little too personally. I admit I didn't act terribly adult when I can into these boards, but I think I've learned to work past this kind of selfishness. I've grown several years in two months. I would not take this back for anything in the world, even if it was one of the most grievous pains in my life.

 

As for my ex, I hope I never see or hear of her again. If your new to the boards, read my posts. You'd know why I can't even consider her a friend, let alone a person worthy of respect.

 

I want to move on guys and now, when I say it, I mean it. I'm not saying it's truly over, but time moves on and the wound is closing. It's time to say good bye to the past... and get real.

 

Thank you everyone. This has been one of the best growing experiences of my life.

[Silentlyfor]

I HATE having dreams about my ex. They always reopen my wounds when I wake up. But this dream... it scared me.... This dream... well...

 

In this dream I created a new MSN chat name to talk to her and we did.... Jesus... That scared me. I woke up thinking I was still in that dream... In that dream... I stalked her.... This is scaring me.

 

Anyway, very jarred today. And it's not cool that my mind dwells on this. Oh well. Grief and loss, right?