Top Ten Relationship Wreckers by Dr. Allison Conner

[melrich]

This is a great tool to save relationships as well as recognize where one may be headed!

 

Yeah that's what I thought. There are so many posts in here about waht to do AFTER you break up but less information about what makes a healthy relationship or how to recognise signs of an unhealthy one. I found this list to be a very neat summary.

 

BTW I agree with whoever said most relationships have at least one of these issues (if not more) but I think the relevant thing is the degree of the issue.

 

Relationships are about balance. You have to find a balance between all these various good and bad behaviours,

[Spawn]

nice article, i was lookin here and there today for relationship wreckers....can identify myself with some of em, but really i have seen worst ones actually workin it out and goin thru all kinda bull.

 

guess we are all humans afterall...and those may not necessarily end in breakup.

 

Good list thou, thanks for posting....very informative.

[Momene]

Yeah that's what I thought. There are so many posts in here about waht to do AFTER you break up but less information about what makes a healthy relationship or how to recognise signs of an unhealthy one. I found this list to be a very neat summary.

 

BTW I agree with whoever said most relationships have at least one of these issues (if not more) but I think the relevant thing is the degree of the issue.

 

Relationships are about balance. You have to find a balance between all these various good and bad behaviours,

 

 

Except that all relationships have both healthy and unhealthy qualities, so how many unhealthy qualities does it need to be labelled as "unhealthy".

[melrich]

It's not about numbers. Relationships aren't that neat. It's about degree and balance. It is not an exact science by any means.

[g44]

i enjoyed reading those top 10. i am sure we all could include more as life really can't be limited to a top 10 but they are true and words to remember.

 

and anyone that has ever loved and lost a loved one will use them to not make the same mistakes - but only if they want to stop repeating theri mistakes.

 

and its nice to see those who can add humour in their comments as well. healing does that.

 

stay kewl

[Grokker]

Top Three Reasons why I think lists like this are not a good idea.

 

1) As someone remarked in an earlier post, I don't believe a single human relationship exists that is not plagued by at least one problem... or should we say, features one characteristic listed under those ten headings. All relationships have one or more of them. If one or both partners allow one of those characteristics to "wreck" a relationship, there were obviously more reasons why the relationship should come to an end than why it should continue.

 

2) Human beings are fallible. If you make a list like that which contains just about every foible performed by every human being who ever was, is, or will be in a relationship... and then describe those foibles as "relationship wreckers", you're basically doing two things:

a) Implying that people behave themselves to unrealistic standards of infallible perfection if they want to be in successful relationships, which is nonsense.

b) Implying that people should be afraid to be themselves (with perhaps some of those teeny tiny faults that according to this list are "relationship wreckers"). But who wants to be in a relationship with someone who's afraid of being himself or herself?

 

3) Because it is so exhaustive of so many things that normal people are "guilty" of all the time, that list can serve as a convenient litany of justifications and excuses for people who want to take the easy way out of a relationship while blaming the other person. "Oh, you were a little bit of 10 and 4, and just a tad of 7 too, so I'm not going to feel bad about blowing you off. Your 10, 4 and 7 justify my 2 and 5, because as long as you were displaying 10, 4 and 7 the relationship was never going to work out anyway."

 

You see how this sort of thing can actually work against the qualities of patience and self-examination which are always crucial in making any real-life relationship work?

 

I'm NOT disputing the obvious wisdom and insight of Dr. Allison Conner in putting her observations into words. Neither am I disputing the good intentions of the original poster in sharing what was useful information with us.

 

What bugs me is the way publishers will cram all of these things together into a neat little article entitled "relationship WRECKERS", with a conveniently numbered list that people can hang their hopes and fears on.

 

What such a list tempts us to do, given our innate tendency to derive formulae for happiness and grab hold of neatly quantifiable answers to complicated relationship questions... is not think about the specifics enough, but push people into templates and categories that defy any depth of emotionally honest consideration.

 

Do I make sense?

[melrich]

You do make sense Grokker and your points have been made previously in this thread.

 

Let me emphasise again. This is not a definitive list. It is not about a balance sheet, all relationships will have aspects of these issues. It is about the degree of the issues and the counter balances in individual relationships.

 

People like lists for the same reason they like quizes. It is fast fodder that may encourage further introspection.

[Donster]

what an excellent post! I have found myself doing everything but 7, 8 and 9 in my last relationship. so much to learn to unbreak that habit!

[Grokker]

I see your point Melrich, and I see that others have addressed the issues I was speaking to (including your own post at the top of this page). I also understand what you mean about lists and quizzes being more to whet one's appetite for thinking about certain things, than providing answers in themselves.

 

I guess I'm a little bitter because I was once with a girl who read every self-help and relationship-help book available, "Knots" by R.D. Laing, "Men are from Uranus", all of that stuff. She could quote them chapter and verse... and she did. All the time. At me!

 

A lot of those books have useful insights and advice, it's true. But too often there's the temptation to try and superimpose what you read there on things that are happening in your life and from which you don't have the emotional distance to keep them in perspective. Everyone wants answers, the easier the better. People will sometimes be desperate enough to grab at a shred of identification with something they've read, and force themselves to see every circumstance of their own lives as conforming to this gospel truth.

 

But on the balance, it's definitely better to have that sort of advice literature available than not, I suppose.

[melrich]

I totally agree. In my career I have been through countless exercises where the group completes Meyer-Briggs profiling. There are always people who take it way too literally, see it in really black and white terms.

 

You are right, you always have to put context around these things because they are always about degrees of behaviour rather than extremes.

 

I know people like your ex. In fact I too had a short relationship with a girl who basically ran her life according to her daily horoscope. People always need instructions.

[Momene]

I think men are as different from each other as they are from women and vice-versa. If men are from Uranus, then you can bet a good number of women will be there too.

[g44]

Hidden under every cloak, every item of clothing, and all makeup lies a body. Under the skin of a body lies a soul, and a mind of thoughts. We are brought into this world, and raised by our creators for such a short period of time. But from them we are taught life. Depending on our parents or whoever is raising us we become a person, with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and ideas. Looking deeper it becomes clear that all our idea's existed in some other form, from others, but we shape them to make them our own. When we become aware of this, we realize what it is we want our life to be and do actions and activities that promote that outcome. Part of this recognition lies in the fact that in the brilliant canopy of nature, time ceases to exist. It exists for us only in that it is a measurable dualistic construct – one that supports us and confronts us. Time weighs heavily upon us. But it doesn't have to be that way. If we cast aside our worries, obligations and responsibilities and simply stare up into the infinite heavens, our words and thoughts would simply fall up into the sky instead of on our shoulders. Star gazing reminds us that we are capable beings who can find the courage required to let go of things that simply do not matter. But simplicity is hard. Living life to its fullest, casting away all doubts, realizing the follies of civilization, and finding ones' place in the puzzle takes years. Is it possible that there are no possessions in our lives, that we simply borrow everything we need and see? Seeing and living in this light is difficult at times, and even harder for those of us who see the world as almost uncontrollable. For those with this life-bent, the world possesses them, like a disease. It rises up in their throats dressed as a fashionable sickness. They feel bombarded in every way by self-satisfied and incoherent platitudes. Why can they see it for what it is, a relic, or as an mode of thought so ridiculous, it should laughed at and used as a benefit instead of making one go mad. Yes, the world is grotesque, hideous and unfair and great civilizations can at times be reduced to Disneyfication – but we all still have the ability to change things, eloquently and with affection and enthusiasm. Yes we face deception and distortion and doublespeak. Yes it is easy to become accustomed to the sobriquets: to phrases such as "collateral damage", and "friendly fire". The abuse of language is part of life - it is power weld against us and for us. We long ago invented words to conceal truths to the point now where it is difficult to use words correctly. This is not to suggest that surrender is the way for it is ok to detest. We can detest Coca-Cola, McDonald's (corporate vices towards consumption at all costs - in general), violence, imperialism, infantilism, colonialism, sexism, racism, and on and on but if anger and resentment becomes a crippling way of life, then we have only crushed ourselves by thinking we are fighting a war, a just cause - all we have done is lost the peace within ourselves. We can live in a land of contamination, a land of unjustifiable wrongs against humanity, while still serving the cause of freedom, rights, democracy, and humanity. We can and must continue to protest and object but we should not become intoxicated by the cause. The sensation of being unfairly trampled upon obviously creates an innate response to fight back within us. But we should never feel hate. We should never feel defeated. We should never feel like a person trapped underwater waiting for the circling hammerhead to strike the final blow. When this life overwhelms us, we should stare up into the infinite heavens and marvel at the short time we will be here and think about what really matters to us in this world. It is simply relationships and love, and how we have helped others along the path – that is the only thing we take with us when we depart this place for the sky. Live life to its fullest, cast off doubts and sorrow, do not feel sorry for we can all shape our destiny.

[Momene]

Good post and are you into stargazing? I love it!!!

[Belgian girl]

yeah great post, thank you very much for sharing