Request for advice on reconciling with ex.

[Netguy]

Im gonna agree with Salt on this. This is no time to be playing games. Im of the firm belief that no love is truly dead until both partners agree it's dead. You obviously dont think it's dead, and it doesn't seem that she does either. So, take some time to get your thoughts and feelings together, you true thoughts and feelings, and then tell her. Good luck.

[saltwatergirl]

This is no time to be playing games.

 

Exactly. Too much smoke & mirrors here.

 

Salt

[96GSX]

Here's the latest, lemme know what you all think. After much txting and calling eachother all within positivity, I asked her if she could send me the information on what the Army is offering this year. She said she would and asked for my new address. I gave it to her and a day later, she txt'd me with "What time to you go to work". I txt'd her back telling her, and a few hours later she txt'd me back with, "Can I see you on Friday to give you the army stuff?"

 

At this point, I kinda freaked out a little, and thought to myself..."omg, she wants to see me, what to do, what to do." So I told her that I work on Friday, so it'd have to be earlier on in the day (I work 2nd shift). I asked if she would want to get some lunch. She responded in agreement and provided the place where we were to meet. And so the date was on.

 

Later that night (last night), she all of a sudden txt'd me with, "Don't get mad at me, I'm only asking this because you are thinking about joining the army, but do you still smoke?" This totally blew me away. In my heart, I knew she wasn't asking because of the army, she wanted to know for her own reasons. I told her I haven't been smoking in a while. She responded with, "I'm so proud of you. I hope it becomes easy for you to stay away from it." I responded telling her that it's not a problem to stay away from it, and that a lot has changed since then. She responded with, "What do you mean?" I told her that maybe we could talk about it sometime when I wasn't at work. She said, "okay, sorry. How is your mom and your brother?" I told her they were good, and to say hi to her family for me, and that I missed them.

 

She then continued to txt me, seeming to be in a very good mood. Happy even, joking around and what not. She then told me how the medication she was taking for her recently pulled wisdom teeth were making her drowsey so she was going to go to sleep. She hoped that I had a good night, and she wil talk to me later. I wrote her back telling her that I hoped she had a good night too. She msg'd me back thanking me for wishing her a good night and wished me a good night once again.

 

I was flying high last night. The way the communication had gone last night was the biggest sign to me that not only did she still have feelings for me, but she wanted to see me as well.

 

Then today comes around...I wait till the late afternoon before I txt her asking how the followup dentist appoitnment went. She said she just left there and was on her way home. She then sent another txt a few minutes later saying, "Hey, I can't meet tomorrow, I have to go to a funeral." I said, "well, when can you meet?" She said, "maybe the weekend, I'll let you know."

 

Well, I took a break (at work) and called her up. I asked her if everything was okay, and she told me that they were, and I told her I was just concerned that maybe someone in her family had passed away. She told me it was for a kid who she knew from middleschool/highschool who she was aquaintences with who passed away and she saw it in the newpaper and decided she would go. She said he was very nice to her when they would see eachother in school, and he had a disease that finally caught up to him, and blah blah. Then she went on to tell me how tomorrow she might not be able to meet either, because Brasil is playing in the world cup (she is brasilian) and how she and her family were dedicating the whole day to the game, and she wasn't sure if they were going to throw a BBQ and have a block party (she lives in a brasilian part of town, kinda like a little Brasil area of a city). She then told me that prior to the game was out of the question either (all without me asking) because she had to do some "things" for her nephew's room, and had to paint and what not.

 

Well...I told her that I was glad it wasn't anyone in her family who passed away, and that whenever it was cool with her to meet me, it was cool with me. I told her to let me know. She said okay, and I told her I had to get back to work. she said okay, and we ended the conversation.

 

Now I'm sitting here...somewhat hurt, somewhat depressed, feeling somewhat rejected, knowing that she backed out of plans to see me, to go to a funeral for someone who she wasn't really even friends with, and came up with all kinds of reasons not to see me on saturday.

 

I don't understand women at ALL. She gets my hopes up, shows me all kinds of good signs that she's interested, and then like...turns and walks away. Whats up with that?

[now_better]

don't do what a million other people have done wrong: don't force anything, let things take their natural course. you might have a fish on your hook, but if you pull too hard, you'll break the line. let the fish linger and swim on your hook and continue being the NEW you. just keep acting natural and being you, like everybody has said: she will see the new you eventually as long as you continue to improve yourself to make it permanent. and ALWAYS be positive when you see her so she associates you with positive thoughts in her mind.

 

i will have to come back and read my own advice when i plan on trying this in a couple of months. (=

[iceman85]

Exactly GSX, same thing happened with me, at first she wanted to meet, she wanted to see about us and i was so happy i though things were going great. Then she waffled on when to see me and I was hurt by that. Now after I see her and we had a good day we havent talked in 3 days, and I keep wondering why hasnt she contacted me, so I sit here like you are.

 

You did a great job though, you acted cool and didnt force the issue, thats exactly what you have to do, your gonna have to wait until she wants to see you or shes ready, as hard as it is and as much as it sucks its the only way.

[96GSX]

One of my friends (female) thinks that my ex is just scared. That she definitely felt a rush of emotions yesterday with the obvious display of interest in seeing me and interest in my family and if I still smoke (big issue for her), and it scared her, because she doesn't want to feel dependant on me again...she doesn't want to be hurt again. Like it was too much too soon, and she put on the brakes.

 

I know that my friend can't be 100% right, but from a females point of view, does that seem even remotely reasonable?

[96GSX]

Well, I jumped the gun and sent her a message asking her if she wanted any company at the funeral. She wrote me back telling me that she has a problem with funerals and she's still building herself up to go. I told her if she needed me that I was a phone call away. She said thanks. That's about it.

 

I'm trying to keep my calm, but it's so hard.

[saltwatergirl]

One of my friends (female) thinks that my ex is just scared. That she definitely felt a rush of emotions yesterday with the obvious display of interest in seeing me and interest in my family and if I still smoke (big issue for her), and it scared her, because she doesn't want to feel dependant on me again...she doesn't want to be hurt again. Like it was too much too soon, and she put on the brakes.

 

I know that my friend can't be 100% right, but from a females point of view, does that seem even remotely reasonable?

 

 

YES. Here is a post that SADK made on another thread. I think it will help you so I copied and pasted it. Again this is not mine it is from SADK. Reading it may help you understand her:

 

Imagine a mouse. The mouse loves cheese, goes to eat it, gets whacked by a mouse trap. She keeps going back, because she loves cheese, but slowly she learns that she's going to get whacked. Then she decides she wants nothing more to do with the cheese. The owner of the trap tells her he will no longer set the trap, and she goes for the cheese again, even though she's scared. She doesn't get whacked and starts to relax, but then one day she gets whacked again. She goes back from time to time, believing the trap owner because she LOVES the cheese. But every now and then, just as she's starting to trust, she gets whacked. So she stops. He realizes what he's done and REALLY realizes this time. It's not just that he misses her. He hates how he's hurt her and so he gets rid of the trap once and for all. He tells her, but she says no, she can't go back. She convinces herself she's making the right decision to stay away. But, oh that cheese is so enticing. So, she goes back again, very very wary, still scared, still apprehensive. And she nibbles on the outside. Just nibbles. He knows the trap is gone. She hopes the trap is gone. But every loud sound reminds her of the trap. So she only nibbles. Maybe one day she won't be afraid anymore, but she's going to need a lot of time

 

(sadk)

 

Salt

[96GSX]

Thanks Salt. I hope for my sake that you are right. I just can't help but feel like poop, because she made plans with me, got my hopes up, and then backed out real quick. I almost feel like she was just playing with me. But if in fact, she is just scared, and maybe realized she wasn't ready yet...I can be patient with her.

 

I do hope that infinite patience will net immediate results. =P

[96GSX]

Well, I gave her a call today to see how the funeral went, and if she was okay. Shes said she was and that the funeral wasn't as bad as she thought. I said that I was glad it wasn't hard on her. She said thanks. I asked her what she was up to, and she said (in a tone that sounded as if she was upset) that she was going back to the office. I asked if something was wrong, cuz she sounded really unhappy.

 

She got a bit snappy and said, "I just came from a funeral, and you expect me to be happy?"

 

I said, "No, it just sounded like maybe something else was upsetting you. I'll let you go, and maybe I'll give you a call later. She said, "Okay, bye."

 

This is confusing as hell. She went from warm to cold. Frustration.

[sadk]

 

This is confusing as hell. She went from warm to cold. Frustration.

 

She's going through something deep. She needs you to be strong right now. Don't go up and down with her. Just empathize. Accept that she has nothing to give you for the time being.

 

Sean

[96GSX]

She seems to be confused. It sucks that her confusion is causing me pain, getting my hopes up 1 day, and then destroying them the next, but I'm not letting it show. I just don't know what to do at this point. Should I back off at this point? Should I keep being supportive and reaching out to her?

 

I've been told that this is not the time for games...and I agree, I don't want to play games, but things seem to delicate at this point, that if I were to just "go with my heart" at some people would say...I think it might be too much too soon and possibly break what little we have going so far.

 

I really don't have much choice but to accept that she doesn't have much to give me, but what should I do from here?

[sadk]

She seems to be confused. It sucks that her confusion is causing me pain, getting my hopes up 1 day, and then destroying then the next, but I'm not letting it show. I just don't know what to do at this point. Should I back off at this point? Should I keep being supportive and reaching out to her?

 

I've been told that this is not the time for games...and I agree, I don't want to play games, but things seem to delicate at this point, that if I were to just "go with my heart" at some people would say...I think it might be too much too soon and possibly break what little we have going so far.

 

I really don't have much choice but to accept that she doesn't have much to give me, but what should I do from here?

 

I'd start with stopping blaming her confusion for how you feel. Just chill, mate. It doesn't have to happen this week.

 

Sean

[96GSX]

This is true...my pain is self inflicted. She is not directly causing me any pain, but my desire to be with her is. But when she makes definite plans with me, and then backs out at the last minute, and turns a cold shoulder to me...it should be reasonably understandable that something like that would hurt, no?

 

I also see my impatience, and I'm having a hard time controlling it. What do you mean by "chill" though? Sit back and do not contact her? Continue to contact her here and there just to say hello and see how's she's doing?

 

The one thing I know I won't be able to stop, is thinking about her.

[saltwatergirl]

This is true...my pain is self inflicted. She is not directly causing me any pain, but my desire to be with her is. But when she makes definite plans with me, and then backs out at the last minute, and turns a cold shoulder to me...it should be reasonably understandable that something like that would hurt, no?

 

I also see my impatience, and I'm having a hard time controlling it. What do you mean by "chill" though? Sit back and do not contact her? Continue to contact her here and there just to say hello and see how's she's doing?

 

The one thing I know I won't be able to stop, is thinking about her.

 

What you've got to do is starting thinking of HER and not yourself. Realize she has things in her life that are stressing her, things that are causing her alot of emotional conflict right now. THis has nothing to do with you. She is dealing with these things in her own way and some days she just might be down, gloomy, "cold", what have you. This is where you have to stop thinking of yourself and how you are being affected; instead try to think about her and realize she is just having "a day" and let her have it.

 

If it's best for her to not contact you or see you at times, then that's what you want because remember: you want her to be happy. you dont want to be a source of stress. She sounds confused. Best to back off during those times. Instead of acting on the urge to point out to her how she has just made you feel, try to be understanding (fake it if you must) and back away and give her the space until she contacts you again.

 

Of course, this course of action is equivalent to just totally ignoring your own feelings, wants, and needs. You're a human yoyo. But, you refuse to act on the alternative, which is to leave this situation and move on. So, because this is what you have settled for, this is how it has to go.

 

You're at a dry well. You want water, but there is none there. You want help with raising and lowering the bucket....we can advise you on that all day long, and you might even get really good at it. But the fact remains, it's an empty well. You can have 100 methods for raising and lowering the bucket...but at the end of the day, you still won't have any water.

 

Salt

[96GSX]

Well I decided to back off and not contact her. Come this morning, I get a txt message from her, "Good morning". So I know she's thinking about me. I txt'd back telling her good morning, and showing my excitement for the world cup games today. I'll leave it at that, and let her make the next move.

 

Someday...it will rain...and the well will have water.

[saltwatergirl]

Well I decided to back off and not contact her. Come this morning, I get a txt message from her, "Good morning". So I know she's thinking about me. I txt'd back telling her good morning, and showing my excitement for the world cup games today. I'll leave it at that, and let her make the next move.

 

Someday...it will rain...and the well will have water.

 

Then I guess we can start referring to this as a rain dance.

 

Salt

[SuperDave71]

96GSX,

 

You are missing the point my friend. You are confusing THE MAJOR PART of getting her back. There is NO SELF LOVE. You my love yourself but there is NO SELF LOVE. Think about it.

 

You said earlier that "You wanted to join the army for her"...Um....

 

 

er..

 

 

To grow is a choice, not a contract. If you want to grow into the man you are supposed to be, look inward. Find what is holding you back and get rid of it. Tell yourself everyday that you are going to be better. Start with you. Once you can expel the very things that are holding you back...THEN AND ONLY THEN will you grow.

 

Growing, maturing and educating ARE FREE. Look around...read posts...listen to those who "really" love you. I know you love this girl but if you can't stand on your own two feet, how the heck can you stand up for her?

 

You need to sit down, have have a long, hard look at yourself and make a conscious decision NOT to settle for what you are getting and learn and grow from it. Get your thoughts away from her right now and follow your path inward.

 

What do you want? Before this girl, what did you want? How were you going to acomplish it? If you never met her, what would you be doing now? Why? I ask myself these questions everyday and I have not only grown, I have transformed.

 

 

Lern to love yourself instead of hoping to be loved. True love will find you only if you love yourself.

 

I wish you luck my friend....

 

 

Take care,

 

 

SuperDave71

[96GSX]

Then I guess we can start referring to this as a rain dance.

 

I like that. This IS a rain dance! =)

 

And thank you SuperDave. Your advice is good, and I've been looking within to find the next steps to take in my life, however, even when I look within...I see her.

 

As far as the Army goes, I didn't mean that I wanted to join the army for her...I meant that, on top of my own reasons for wanting to join the army, I do believe that it might sit well in her eyes too, and that's not such a bad thing considering I do want to get back together with her.

 

I think the process of regaining love for myself will be a long one, but I know that at least it's already started. I've decided to start taking care of myself again, get back into shape, eat right, and take pride in myself. Even if the God(s) choose for me a dry season, I'll come out of my rain dance a better man.

 

Thank you all for your support. It means alot to me to know that there are such great people out there such as yourselves. The world is a better place because of you all, I mean that. And I'll keep you all posted on what's going on, I have a feeling this story, in a sense, is just beginning.

[SuperDave71]

The pain you feel will pass...true love lasts forever.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[96GSX]

Gah...Not a word from her today. =( sad.

[96GSX]

MAN...Just when I start getting sad, she txt's me, asking me to guess what movie she saw. She's thinking about me! YAY!

 

I'm so retarded.

[96GSX]

Ok, so the txt conversation went like so.

 

She asked me to guess what movie she saw. I thought that maybe whatever movie she saw had some significance to justify such a question, but not wanting to get it wrong, I replied with something generic..."superman?" She said no, she saw the movie Click, the new Adam Sandler one. I thought to myself...."ooooookay". I asked how it was, she said it was okay, kinda funny, but go serious in the end." She didn't say much more than that, I guess I was kinda confused why she wanted to tell me about a movie that was just okay. I'm happy she was thinking about me, and maybe she just wanted to talk to me. That idea makes me feel good. So I asked if it was worth going to see, she said not really. She then went on to tell me how she was feeling really down all day and that's why she went to see a movie. Thinking to myself, "Ah, so thats what it was about, she had a bad day and wants to talk about it." So I asked her what was wrong, and all she said was, "I don't know, sh-- happens."

 

So I told her, "yeah it does, and then you gotta deal with --itty pants afterwards. Sorry it happened to you today, but hopefully after some sleep you'll feel better."

 

No response from her after that. Then I wake up, and I txt her, "Feeling any better today?" She replied with, "A little." I said, "Good, a little is better than nothing." She then asked if I had to work today, I told her yes, but I have tomorrow off, she said, "oh". And nothing more. So I asked her what she had planned for tomorrow (the 4th). She responded telling me she was going to the city (NYC). I told her to have a good time. She then responded with, "I don't know what time I'm leaving...maybe we can meet if you're not busy." omg omg, freakin out.

[iceman85]

I know that your giddy with the possibility of seeing your ex tomorrow, but dont get too high. Never get too high or too low, try to remain calm and levelheaded. Its a maybe from someone who's not in your life right now. These text messages arent much their just text messages about stuff anyone could talk about. Take them for face value. Yes it does mean shes thinking about you, what shes thinking nobody will ever know.

 

Just try to remain calm and work on yourself, dont let if she text messages you or not, or how she responds to you dictate your day. I know how it is, i'm there right now and its hard not to get high when they talk to you and low when they dont talk to you. You just have to go on and find everything else around you thats wonderful, in time if its meant to be she will be there too, but you cant rush these things even though thats what we want to do.

[96GSX]

Iceman...you totally live up to your name. You cooled me down with your words.

 

I told her, "sure we can meet up, just let me know what you're doing." She said, "okay".

 

Even if she backs out of this one, at least she is the one trying to get us to see eachother. One of these days, she'll follow through if not this time.

 

I do want to look my best though, and I know I don't look it right now. Time to get the good ole hair cut, and bust out the ironing board. *ugh* lmao