Goldfish6888 Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Hi - I just wondered what people would think about my story. Basically I met, shall we call Mr x last April on a dating website. We started emailing for about 6 months. Some days we would email 4/5 times per day. These emails were amazing, really sharing, really deep stuff....and just wonderful. He started to get quite personal as time went on "like you know when you are onto something good." Finally last October, we met...he had flown in to relocate to my country. Apparently he was going to be here for the long haul. Anyway, I was all nervous meeting this person, who I knew, meant so much to me in email and was afraid the meeting would not go well. I wanted him to mean more in person aswell. Anyway he was very handsome and very charming. We got on like a house on fire. After about 3 months of dating, we got very close. He ended up moving into my apartment. He then dropped a bombshell that he had to go back to his country for a knee operation. But he promised he was coming back here. He told me he would miss me terribly. Anyway, Christmas was tough, but I then got an email saying that he had been accepted to college and he had to take the course for his long term security. I wanted the best for him, but was absolutely gutted he was not returning. In the meantime, I was travelling with my job. I called him regularly and he would panic when he didn't hear from me......and I told him there had been lots of guys asking me out, but I had turned them down. He said "good". He also emailed me...when I had bought a house " hope ya don't mind...but I'll be movin in with ya when I get there!! lol.... I guess from that response I thought there was some kind of an understanding between us. Anyway he said he wanted me to come visit for his Birthday which I did. We both agreed, when we met again, after the 3 months break that it was like we had never left. It was great! We just got on so well. It was really easy....and it was just lovely. He said he really wanted to come live in my country and I joked you'll just have to marry me! He responded " thats my plan, don't jinx it! Another night, he said "I love the name.......Ciaran...thats the name of our first son". Anyway, I was very sad when I was leaving. When I arrived home, my email inbox, said "lonely in my dumpy apartment without ya, missing ya". He had agreed to come visit in April, during college break. Then a turn of events happened. College went on strike. In the interim, he said to me " why am I postponing returning to your country, when I really want to be there now". I'm going to drop out of college. He then did this and was looking for a job. In the meantime, he told me he had applied for his visa to work here. I redid his resume for him in European style and I was also helping him with a business proposition here. In April, I was being sent to the US on business and I told him I could manage a 2 hour flight up to see him. But he told me he had a job interview and he would be in Florida. But he never offered for me to come see him - yet I was in the same country?! I said I was disappointed that it appeared he didn't want to see me....he said don't be disappointed. But I was. I switched off my phone....as I thought I'm not going to be available to him, as he didn't appear to be making an effort to see me. When I arrived home, a week later, his texts said..."where are ya...I've been calling and texting and no response from you...let me know". Anyway.....to cut a long story short...each time on the phone.....his move to my country kept getting postponed...first it was definitely May, then July, then it was Octoberish. The last day we spoke was June 2nd. He called me to say, he had a new job and he would call me over the weekend. He never called me. A whole week passed and I didn't contact him....I guess i wanted to see how interested he truly was......and did the NC work. Anyway, on the weekend, I decided to check a dating website...and I found him on it - actively looking for someone. I installed instant messenger on my computer and surprise, surprise it had kept his details. I was in his hotmail account as he had obviously been using chat on my computer when he was staying in my apartment last Nov. I couldnt resist the temptation and i looked at his hotmail....on it were hundreds of girls, he had chatted to...and about 10/11 regular email contacts about dates and stuff. I hadn't realised he was dating so much. No wonder I never heard from him at weekends. Even the week, i had visited him in Feb, he was still emailing all these regular dates of his. I sent him an email, telling him that I had seen his dating profile....I never said...I had seen his hotmail...and that I had deserved honesty....rather than him telling me he was moving to my country.....I mean every email...was always going on about moving to where I live. I told him, I couldn't wait forever, and that I too had started to date again ( I lied). Anyway, did I do the right thing? I can't believe he was using my laptop in my apartment to chat to lots of girls. Did I miss something here? All the while he was dating me, there were lots of other women.......but why hadnt he been honest about that? Why did he always say good, when I turned men down....is this someone who wanted their cake and eat it? Help fill me in... Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Wow- that's quite a story. Even though he acted like a slimeball I think you should refrain from breaking up with him over e-mail, and call him instead to end it. Tell him what you know and that you are done. If he doesn't let you say what you want to say via phone- then perhaps follow it up with an e-mail, just so you can say your piece for closure. Then begin NC. It sounds like he did want to have his cake and eat it too. He must like the attention of many women. (classic philandering) Perhaps he is addicted to the thrill of it. If his hobby is chatting online with women- he definitely doesn't sound like someone you should invest anymore time in. BellaDonna Link to comment
Goldfish6888 Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 He didn't call me. So why should I call him? I said what I had to say.....I said it on June 13th by email. As my sister said, if he had any feelings for you, he would have responded, either with closure or a phone call. I would feel like I had totally lost my pride if I phoned him. No way. NC is the only thing this man deserves. Besides, i dont' think he has been crumbling...as I've checked his hotmail account and he's been pursuing some girl he had a relationship with last year.....the lines he is feeding her....include....."I know I f'd up last year on you...but not a day goes by...when I didn't think of you...I'm so glad to have you back again in my inbox". If he is writing this the day, after receiving my email when I told him to PFO ( please feck off) then he didn't waste any time crying over me. He's now giving this girl the cold shoulder...as soon as she's showed some interest....hes backed off. I suppose the only good thing is I was never part of his chat hotmail inbox - I actually emailed his email account which he used on his resume....so I guess I was kind of privileged. I even met da parents...who incidentally were lovely...and his mom sent me lovely xmas cards and easter cards...Really nice family.....I guess he is addicted to his chat thing and having lots of girls. But this is one girl that he can't have. Link to comment
BellaDonna Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 OOPS! I sent him an email, telling him that I had seen his dating profile....I never said...I had seen his hotmail...and that I had deserved honesty....rather than him telling me he was moving to my country.....I mean every email...was always going on about moving to where I live. I told him, I couldn't wait forever, and that I too had started to date again I somehow misread that part and thought your post was asking if you should break up with him via e-mail. However I re-read that section, and it seems you already sent him an e-mail essentially ending it. In that case don't call him. Sorry for the confusion. BellaDonna Link to comment
Goldfish6888 Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 I just want someone to tell me....was I stupid to think that I was special? Did I pick it up wrong? Link to comment
lunatic Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 I don't think you picked it up wrong. You don't need a player in your life. This man uses women to get what he wants then when they show some feelings or interest he backs off. Sounds like you made the right choice to me by telling him to PFO. BTW I have never heard that one before and I am sure it will be a new addition to my online slang. Thanks... Link to comment
Goldfish6888 Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 PFO is a great one!!!! Please do use it!!! It's a Dublin saying. I feel like a bad judge of character that I couldn't see through the playing??? Why couldn't I see it? He just seemed so sweet and good to his family and also thoughtful. Do you think he had commitment issues? Do you think he had ANY feelings for me at all. I know thats of no consequence, but it would be nice to think there had been some sincerity in our experiences together? Link to comment
lunatic Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Thanks I will use the PFO in all manners of the saying. I like it. As for your guy problem... That's a bit more tricky since no one but, that man can answer that. I felt by reading your post that he was a player looking to hook up with as many women as possible. Some people men and women are serial daters. There really is nothing you can do but, to move on and try to forget this man. There are plenty of men out there that are looking for a good woman like yourself. So don't beat yourself up too badly because of this loser! Link to comment
Goldfish6888 Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 Thanks a million....I appreciate that you told me he is a player. I should have known that he was wayyyyy, wayy too good looking to not be. He also kept going on about how he hates where he lives...cos everyone is into how they look....but I doubt he has ever dated anyone other than for their looks....My friends think I should use his hotmail account to email all the other women in his address book to tell them what an A.H. he is? I don't feel I could do that, as that's not my style. BTW, thanks for the compliment! Link to comment
lunatic Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 I should have known that he was wayyyyy, wayy too good looking to not be. He also kept going on about how he hates where he lives...cos everyone is into how they look....but I doubt he has ever dated anyone other than for their looks....My friends think I should use his hotmail account to email all the other women in his address book to tell them what an A.H. he is? I don't feel I could do that, as that's not my style. BTW, thanks for the compliment! There really is no way to know if a person is a player or not. These people are great Bull crap artists who can fool even themselves with their crap. You should be honored that he would come to you as much as he did because most of the time players are also gigolos. As for the email thing I would just remove his hotmail account and let those women find out for themselves like you did. I know from experience from my past that I have to learn things on my own. I would always think I am different and I am special to this person only to find out I was not. Even if other people told me I would probably have to find out on my own. So I would just forget him and try to move on. I just hope that this man does not ruin your opinion of men in general. There is a man out there who will love you for whom you are so just hang in there. One day you will find the love of your life but, until then enjoy being you. Have fun and do all the things you want (as long as you don't hurt yourself). Link to comment
Goldfish6888 Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 Yes, I really think he started to believe his own BS. God knows how he has rationalised our break-up in his head...I probably became another one of the loco girls...he was always going on about. When I had quizzed him about past girlfriends...he said they had always turned out to be nutjobs....and I joked "are you sure you don't turn them into nutjobs!" Then I asked him was I a nutjob? And he said...."nah, you're different, you are classy....remind me of my granny!!!!" Well, I did take that as a compliment. I suppose I did end up probably being the closest thing he had to a "relationship", so I hope that I gave him something positive anyway.....Okay, I won't email all these girls...but I am addicted to looking at his hotmail...as it's kind of voyeuristic...and interesting to see how his mind works.... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 I think the issue here is that you considered your months of typing and talking as relevant to a romantic relationship and whether you were meant to be together long term. I think that was totally irrelevant but it prolonged the fantasy. In reality you only spent a few months together in person and moved like lightning speed past getting to know each other at a reasonable pace. Then you went back to the fantasy of long distance when you really didn't have a solid basis yet for a long term relationship (i.e. only three months of dating). what I would want to know is did you have a talk about being exclusive and committed? If not he and you were free to date anyone else. My advice - it sounds like you definitely get attached to the idea of love and romance and a future and doing long distance and typing and talking perpetuates the fantasy and the "in love with love" feelings. I would date someone closer to home, see him once or twice a week for the first month or two, get to know him in person but slowly over time - it might not be as many fireworks or as thrilling but in the long run it will probably be more stable - don't have someone move in with you until you've been dating steadily for at least a year and are almost engaged or engaged. I too have had lovely and deeply personal email chats and phone chats with men I've never met in person - the difference is, when I did on line dating - I would email three times tops, talk on the phone only a few times and then meet in person ASAP. I would refuse to meet men where I knew in advance it would be long distance. Another red flag - talking about marriage and kids right off the bat when he knew his life was nowhere near stable enough to be able to do that - sure it's flattering but watch the feet not the lips . .. . Link to comment
Goldfish6888 Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 No, we never actually did have that conversation. I took his words...like "thinking of ye and miss ya terribly"....as signs that he was interested. I think you are right about the long distance thing as its hard, but I do believe that you can know even after three months, if that is the person is for you. I know two people who met in March 03, had a week long relationship, a six month email relationship with two visits in between of about 10 days, and then by October, they had relocated countries, moved in together...on the basis of just about one month actual physical contact. They are very happily married now and very well suited.........The "moving in" was purely because he was having a tough time in his accommodation and we knew it was only going to be for about 3 weeks until he left for his knee operation. Link to comment
Goldfish6888 Posted June 23, 2006 Author Share Posted June 23, 2006 Also, why when I mentioned I had turned other men down...did he reply "good", that should have been his time to say something like " well that's okay as we are a long way away".... Link to comment
need2bme Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 Breaking up over any medium other that face to face, blows. I got it over the phone. Batya33: I like your coments about being in love with love. I have been with someone, since I was 18. I think I was in love with the thought of having a close relationship, where the person you were with, talks to you and tells you how much they love you all the time. I also love the comment, "watch the head, not the feet". I will try to take that to heart, this weekend. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 It is watch the feet not the lips by the way ;-) I believe you can know in three months but if after the three months you are long distance with no official discussion of exclusivity, the "knowing" isn't going to get you very far because there is no commitment and no real plan for the future. Your relationship become mostly about longing, yearning and fantasy - to the point where despite "knowing" you weren't willing to have a serious conversation about where you stood. As far as him saying good to you not seeing other people all that means is you let him know you wouldn't - means nothing about his behavior or whether he was keeping his options open. Of course there are exceptions to every rule - your friend might be one of them although you cannot know if they are truly happy together just as you cannot know that about almost anybody. My guess is that in your friend's case they had an early conversation about their intentions and about commitment. Link to comment
saltwatergirl Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 Pathological liar and player are the correct terms here. Be glad you are out of that mess. Seriously. He sounds lame. Salt Link to comment
Allie. Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 hmm. that sounds really tough. but honestly, I think that this guy was in it for a lot of girls. the whole time. i mean, i think he definitely got attatched to you. i'm sure thats a possibility. but seriously, this guy isn't good for YOU. it doesn't matter why he chatted with women..etc. the reasons don't matter. The fact is that he DID it. and you deserved better than that. i think you did the right thing personally =D hang in there kid. Link to comment
Goldfish6888 Posted June 28, 2006 Author Share Posted June 28, 2006 Thanks saltwatergirl!!! Link to comment
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