How do you be yourself right away?

[xmrth]

First I'm thinking about it being hard to be myself at my new job. Then I get into realizing that it's kind of that way anywhere with me.

 

I feel like I'd make a better best friend with little old ladies than other 20 year olds. I don't think it's necessary to be rude to bring something to the table of friendships, but I feel like I'm too polite and reserved to the point where I come off as a pushover. In fact, I know I seem that way.

 

A problem I've had my whole life is when I do finally feel comfortable and can be myself (which can take ANY range of time-- usually a long time) people are like "Oh my God I've never seen this side of you before!"

 

What's really weird with me is there seems to be almost 'regulations,' where I'm just myself around certain people, or I'm myself around certain people only in the beginning, and things like that.

 

I don't know what people can tell me other than just be myself, but I feel like what stumps me is that I'm confused as to what is appropriate for when. Sometimes when I just force it I come off as ridiculous.

 

When I was a kid I was really shy. Then I wasn't in recent years, but I feel like I missed out on this sort of developmental stage of "being myself" because of it. I absolutely don't know how to just relax and not think and just be, and exist. I don't know why it's got to be such a problem.

 

I don't really know what people can tell me... I seem to get surprised whenever I feel that way, though. How can you be yourself just right away and always? It's just so developmental. I've been trying for a loooong time, and am getting nowhere.

 

Martha

[brando]

xmrth

 

I can identify with you. I t takes me susch a long time to get to know people. Especially when I first start a new job. I am quiet and reserved, and i am much to myself.

 

I was thinking about this the other day..to go out and socialize with strnagers to make friends was somethingi was never good at. But i realized through my job, that it does take me a while to warm up to new people, and if i needed to start soicalizing more then i concluded the same principle applys. It will just take me some time, some first steps.

 

I also find myslef relating to people older than me, both male and female, i was not to comfortable with my peers. A friend once told me i must have an old soul...and perhaps this is the reason i am more likely to befriend those a good ten plus years older.

 

I also have goten the same replys after being on a job for a year plus...i hear stories from my co workers how quiet i was when i started.

 

So I think just by realizing it takes some time to warm up to people, it may help in personal situations as well.

[Haven]

My philosophy: Say what you want to, and do what you want to, and don't worry about what other people will think. Because if they think you're a freak, then they're not worth it anyway... and if they genuinely like you, then you know they like you and not some fake outer shell that you've created. Most of the time, people will genuinely like you, or at least get along with you.

 

I used to be really, really shy and reserved. I was known as "the quiet girl". I was the girl who would sit there and say nothing. However, there were some situations in which I would be myself and display an actual personality (at home and around really close friends). So I realized that my problem was that I was worried about what other people would think about me. If someone said something, and I had an instant reply in my mind, I would not say it because I was scared they would laugh at me. If I wanted to do something, I wouldn't do it because again, I was scared.

 

So lately I've been using that philosophy, basically just not worrying about what other people are thinking. It's hard, and it's a gradual process.. I only really started doing this 1-2 years ago, and occasionally I still have problems being myself around total strangers. But there is literally no one today who knows me who would label me as "the quiet girl".

 

Anyway, that's just my experience with being shy and reserved.. I hope it helps somewhat

[ElektraHere]

I think it comes with life experiences and work experiences. I am shy but I observe those around me. Who are the reserved people, who are the ones that have a wild or edgy personality, and the token * * * * *y people. I think its easy for me to do this because long ago I was a waitress. That is the ultimate school for reading people. Some tables you knew you could joke around with and others were just there to be served to eat.

 

My point to that is its like that with friends and people at jobs. You have to sit back, observe, find what you have in common with these people and take advantage of it. Even if its just being in the copy room, kitchen, elevator and saying hello. A hello is an amazing word

 

Question for you Martha do you like to people watch??? If you do then use that observation skill for your job.

 

I think some people who have problem with friends (making or keeping) is they are too closed off. They dont emotionally invest into that person. I think a person who has no friends I feel sorry for.

[xmrth]

It seems like a problem of mine is that my first impression might be good, but then the immediate "second impression" is nothing like my first, and that kind of takes over. I just have such a hard time bringing myself out there permanently, and I also think about it so much while it's all going on.

 

All my friends are who I was able to really get along with right from the beginning, but especially in my new workplace it's just hard to really be myself. I don't know what's acceptable, even though they pretty much prove what is.

 

Out of everything though, the biggest issue I have is having a good sense of humor. It's not that I take everything seriously, but I kind of make myself seem shy by my response to people just joking around with me because I don't want to be loud, and I just feel strange with being myself like that. I think that shows the MOST personality, and I'm showing the least.

 

And yeah Haven, that is what I have tried to do, too. It's hard because I don't know if what my immediate response in my head is appropriate, and sometimes it's not or people don't get it. And it's like uuughh... seriously.

[ElektraHere]

Martha,

 

You may be worrying about it too much... What type of work environment is it?? Do you have many friends?

[xmrth]

It's a professional environment but they like us to be a little different and really friendly and open, and by the looks of it, they don't mind us to be loud but I'm not used to that especially in a workplace.

I have a lot of friends but I want to have them in the workplace too, and for anywhere else to be able to make them easier. So not just people who i'd click with right away because there's people who I have things in common with but they're so hard to be myself around. It's hard for me to be open and myself around anyone really, but it takes a looooong time for me to open up. A really really long time, like months.

[ElektraHere]

Well you are aware of this so now you have to face this fearness or shyness. How do you interact with your friends? Use that same interaction with a few people at work. Are there places to go to eat around your work? Ask someone one day if they would like to go grab a bite. Is there a SBUX around you? Some type coffee shop? Ask if anyone would like to go on a coffee run with you?

Its scary to make the first move but you must in order to start the ball rolling on making friends at work.

[Silentlyfor]

I have a similar problem. I'm just very shy. And when I do actually gather the guts to talk to someone, I end up not enjoying the interaction. It's like I have no sense of connection with people.

 

I think this is why I had such a problem with my recent breakup. I depended on her and when she left, I felt empty because the one person I thought understood me had gone. It still hurts to say or type that.

 

Anyway, I'm edgy around other people and I don't really like the company of others to entirely much. And I find that I don't like most people that I do interact with anyway. What I would like to know is, what kind of help should I seek for this problem?

[Rain__man]

I really know how you feel on this, and in the last 4 years, sometimes it doesn't feel like I've made much progress either. I think more people like me at work than in the rest of my life, now though. The worst thing you can be around other people is uncomfortable, and as soon as you get self conscious about it, you have a really hard time getting "yourself" back.

 

The advice I've been offered is really hard to follow... but I think I'm finally starting to see some results. You have to throw yourself out of your "comfort zone" constantly. I've been putting myself into those situations where I feel all outcast and self conscious, and I'm finally starting to feel less so, and have more "me" time when I'm just hanging out with people I don't know.

 

You will definitely embarrass yourself sometimes, but it's never really as bad as you imagine it, and nowhere near as crappy as feeling uncomfortable in your own skin.

 

Make the choice to drop the "shy" act. That's not who you are, that's just the face you try to put on when you feel like you're not as important as the people around you... which is bullsh*^.

 

 

 

B

[Silentlyfor]

Still trying to take this advice, but I'm still too afraid of talking to other people. I think I have a phobia of making relationships with others. What can I do?

[KIDD]

I can relate to this post sooo much. I'm dealing with the same thing at my job.Remember just to be yourself at all times & if people don't like you for who you are, then they're really not worth your time anyway. That's the way I see it.

 

Also remain calm, also just hang around people that you're most comfortable around & you can relate to more. I can so relate to Brando's post about getting along much better with people much older than me at my job.These are the people I can have good conversations with & I can just relax around. I can't really relate to my peers either.