whats the key to remaining friends after breakup?

[hoppy26]

ok...i havent been on site in awhile.

heres a little update. girlfriend of almost three years said she needed a break. i really didnt get any answers as to why. just alot of i dont knows.

we didnt talk for almost 1-1/2 months its been almost four months since she broke it off. i was devastated. i thought this was the one...so didnt everyone else. she contacted me over email. wanted to clear up some rumors going around town she was cheating on me and seeing some other guy. we eventually got together for acoupls hours to talk. she was ready to open up and explain things somewhat. i still love this girl with all my heart. i never wanted this to end nor did i think it would. i have alot of feelings inside about the whole situation but talking to her seems to get me no where. she says things like "i never stopped loving you" or "i want to be with you...but i cant right now". in the next sentence she's telling me "you should move on for your own good". im really confused and hurt.

she does have many problems in her life.....work...living situtaion....school...and an alcohol problem that seems to be controlling her life. i want so bad to have her in my life but more as "just friends".

i know it will take her to want that aswell but i cant change that.

my question is how do i just put all the feelings of lust, love....etc. away and just be her friend? it seems almost impossable. all i find myself wanting to do when we talk is talk about us and why she did what she did.

she doesnt seem to want to talk about it. when someone feels really hurt is it better to just walk away for good. i want to help her but at the same time i cant put my feelings aside. i asked her what she wanted from me at this point in her life. she said she needs me in her life.....as she feels im one of the few "real" people she knows. do i run? she seems to make me very confused which in turn leads me to hurt. i dont understand how people can just one day decide "i need a break". she left me here sitting alone, confused, etc. and now that we are talking again all the feelings seem very fresh. whats everybodys input? is it better to just go separate ways? is anyone in a similar situation? do you think she is testing me and my ability to be "just friends"? please help....i hate that im so torn.

[doorik]

a lot of women do not understand that the best way to get over someone is to NOT hang around them. The more time spent with an ex, the harder the recovery time towards new prospects. Spend some time apart before you try the friends thing

 

Just keepin it real

Doorik

[dave_1966]

You really want to remain friends with someone who treats you like this? I bet you won't be thinking like this in 6 months time. Show yourself some respect and tell her that you've already been her friend....her best and closest friend, and you won't accept anything less. On the other hand, you could accept her selfish wishes allowing her the best of both worlds and eventually get introduced to her new boyfriend. Sorry to be harsh, but I was placed in a identical situation about 6 months ago. She's just being selfish and trying to lessen her feelings of guilt about things....good luck and be STRONG.

[DealingWithIt]

you and your ex can be friends at some point but not right now, especially when you still have strong feelings for her and she doesn't feel the same way. do you think you can be friends with her when she's talking about some guy she hookup? i dont think so.

 

for now, i think you should stay away from her and give yourself some time to get over her. hanging around her wont help you.

[ersumpin]

I'm in the same timeframe as you- love of my life, seemingly the soulmate but she got wooed over by her boss in LA and went for the glitzy lifestyle that she was used to from growing up. We never had a best friend like each other and moved here together from the midwest to start a movie career as a couple. But she left me after 10 months here but didn't tell me that it was because she cheated on me with this guy who doesn't even compare to me. Just his money and lifestyle. But she would never contact me and I was trying to find out why, why, why, saying that it had to be another guy, you would never leave this happy relationship unless...there was someone else that got you excited. She denied it and it pitied me for thinking Now it has been 4 months since I found out by checking her email once because I was out of my mind and depressed, still am, but she still wouldn't admit to it until a week later and tells me that she doesn't know why she left but that she may be in love with the new guy. We had been going together for 2 years at 24 years of age and we're planning on marrying. The boss even left his fiance of 7 years for his secretary! I guess they deserve each other but I miss my best friend and have not found any girl that even reaches her level of beauty and wit and laughs. But my days were complete freaking out for 3 months until I forced myself to not contact her because she was always being nice but never wanting to be friends because all my love was still there and I guess her's just died. I really don't believe that but actions do speak louder than words. She said it wasn't exciting enough anymore. Problem was, all her friends were my friends and those friends were the people she worked with! Including the boss. We used to hang out at his pad to party. So it could be anyone, man. Take a break from her for a while, talk to friends and therapists and your family, they will help you feel like you shouldn't speak to her for a while. After your heart heals and you don't feel like you need her anymore, only then can you begin to try and win her back if that is the case. She can't see that you need her. Be strong and confident and understand that you were a whole circle before you met her. You were not two halves coming together- she did not complete you. She just added to you. But you can be friends- only after you aren't affected by seeing her. It's taken me four months but I finally feel a lot better. Hope you can too. b

[hoppy26]

thankyou all for the answers, they all make sense. i cant be a good friend to her......and she has proved she just cant be a good friend. even to the person she said she loved and wanted to marry. she has a problem being completely honest with me and i have a huge problem with that. this has been real tough on me and ive allowed it to control parts of my life. i need to work on letting go. its just tough. im working on it!!!! thanks

[DanoW66]

I dont mean to burst your bubble bro (we've all been there), but, its time to move on and let her be. She is in a confused state right now, which means back off. I could not be "just friends" with my ex like she asked before. Am I supposed to treat her like a queen like I have for the past 2 years, or just a friend. They dont mix man. I tryed, at least 4 times. We can never understand women, we just have to deal with them. Play it cool and live life day by day....without being stressed over her. It works man, trust me. There will be days you think about her all the time and cant get her outta your mind (we all go through this) but, you also have to think where you are yourself. Why did you get this way? Stress and an unstable relationship, at this point. Just release her and take time to relax and have fun. Its hard, I know, but, its what she wants (she knows you're a good guy and doesnt wanna let you go just because shes confused). Dont put up with her putting you on the back burner, you should be first, remember that, If you arent first, she doesnt love you. Good Luck....and take care. DanoW66.

[hoppy26]

do i need to tell her that we cant be friends. i dont feel its possable. she really doesnt seem to give a crap about any of my feelings. and to top it all off she cant even be honest with me. WOW all from the same girl that promised me the world. anyway, i dont feel she has even been trying to be a friend. does she deserve to be told that i dont think its going to happen.....or should i just not call,email, contact her at all? just curious.