bf is postponing sex..i thought thats what girls do!

[SAMRA2]

my guy and i have been together for over 3 months now and he still avoids discussin sex. i mean we havent done it yet and i want to (am a virgin) but he always says "we'll talk about it when its time" whenever i bring up the subject. is that normal? we do pretty much everything else.

ps says he doesnt want to involve sex in the relationship because he doesnt want it to be routine and that it will minimize the effect of everything we do now(everything besides actual sex).he hasnt done it with his previous gfs, only with some girl he barely knew.

SO? should i believe him? any other explanation?

[JJRadical]

Interesting that he did it with a girl he barely knew and not his "gfs."

 

Possible performance anxiety...with a girl he barely knows he probably won't see her again so its no problem if he thinks that she thinks he wasn't good...especially if your initiating conversation about sex...this could be adding to the pressure in his mind...

[SAMRA2]

well JJRadical, i don think its a performance issue.he's very confident about that and i can tell he'd be good at it.. as for the girl he barely knew, he says that even if we did have sex , he wouldnt want it to become a usual occurrence. its like he's preserving it to stay a "special" event

[RayKay]

he says that even if we did have sex , he wouldnt want it to become a usual occurrence. its like he's preserving it to stay a "special" event

 

Um, that comment kinda concerns me actually. When you love someone, and are into them, you don't think of making sex a "rare occurrence"!

 

I think he may have some hangups about sex, or even be assexual. Or he may have something he does not want you to know about.

 

Sex within the right relationship, with the right person, enhances the relationship. It doesn't "minimize" anything!

[SAMRA2]

maybe he's afraid the relatiohsip will then revolve around sex? he loves me a lot

[BellaDonna]

It seems based on this post, and others,

 

that the 2 of you might not be sexually compatible.

 

Um, that comment kinda concerns me actually. When you love someone, and are into them, you don't think of making sex a "rare occurrence"!

 

I agree with RayKay on that one. Something other than "love" would make it him want to hold back. Have you talked to him to try to figure out what this is? Perhaps he's afraid you'll become too attached to him or vice versa? Maybe he has performance anxiety? Or a low sex drive?

he hasnt done it with his previous gfs, only with some girl he barely knew

 

I does seem odd that he would have sex with a stranger, and not his GF who he loves.

 

 

BellaDonna

[TiredMan]

LOL so wait, a girl postponing it is regular but when the guy does it, it's a problem?

[Cardinal]

Yes. There is another potential explanation. My immediate thought upon reading this:

 

He had sex with a girl he barely knew.

 

I think he is lying and is a virgin. I've got nothing to substantiate that with other than I have done the same thing (lied to friends about my virginity. I lost it when I was 18 after high school, but hell if I wanted to let anyone know that at the time).

 

Given that there are a few inconsistencies with his line of reasoning, my best guess is he is ashamed and is lying.

 

Men have an ego. A biiiig ego sometimes.

[nottoogreen]

Yes. There is another potential explanation. My immediate thought upon reading this:

 

He had sex with a girl he barely knew.

 

I think he is lying and is a virgin. I've got nothing to substantiate that with other than I have done the same thing (lied to friends about my virginity. I lost it when I was 18 after high school, but hell if I wanted to let anyone know that at the time).

 

Given that there are a few inconsistencies with his line of reasoning, my best guess is he is ashamed and is lying.

 

Men have an ego. A biiiig ego sometimes.

Reminds me of myself, I was a soooo poor virgin until 23.

[BellaDonna]

LOL so wait, a girl postponing it is regular but when the guy does it, it's a problem?

 

What stuck out to me when reading the post was not whether the person holding back was a guy or a girl- but rather the fact that the he/she/it stated to their partner that he/she/it had sex with a total stranger, but does not want to have sex with their partner, who they are in a loving ,committed relationship with. I think that's where the "problem" lies, or at the very least some confusion. No one should be pressured to have sex if they don't want to- but it does come accross kind of strange if states that were willing to have sex with strangers, but not the partner they love.

 

Yes. There is another potential explanation. My immediate thought upon reading this:

 

He had sex with a girl he barely knew.

 

I think he is lying and is a virgin

 

Although I think Cardinal could be on to something there.... that could be a potential reason.

 

 

BellaDonna

[TiredMan]

I agree Belladonna but it could also be that when it's someone he/she cares about, it means more. I know me personally, if it's someone I just think is attractive and don't care about at all, I have had sex with them on the first date but if it's someone I like and care for, I don't wanna have sex on the first date.

[BellaDonna]

I agree Belladonna but it could also be that when it's someone he/she cares about, it means more

 

Could very well be that too. Good point.

 

I'm still a little curious about him saying that if they did have sex, he would not want it to happen often/be routine.

 

Let's say he wanted to wait until the time was right because he cared about his partner and wanted sex to be meaningful, why would he already decide before the relationship even became sexual that he would only want to have sex rarely....

 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is, if it's a meaningful/loving event, wouldn't you want it MORE (not less)?

 

To the original poster: I hope you can get your BF to open up to you about this and talk to him about it in a non-threatening manner. We can all guess about what is going on, but only he has the real answer.

 

Good luck,

 

BellaDonna