anyone else feel this way?

[lanty3]

as someone who has never experienced intimacy with another i find some topics on the forum heartbreakingly torturous. when people write about thier sexual experiences as if they were a regular part of life(i`m sure they are!) it makes me very sad,depressed even,to see what i`ve missed. and it`s not the physical details that get to me. it`s the closeness,the sharing,being with someone who wants to be with you that both fascinates me and brings on the meloncholia.

my adolescence and young adulthood were terribly sheltered so i don`t really fault myself there,but over the years i never got over my fear of an emotional risk. i can`t believe anyone would take me seriously.

i don`t know if this was the right forum for this post but i just read a thread called "good in bed" here .everyone offered thier views;obviously from thier own life experience. i just felt like writing this.

[brando]

I cant say i know how you feel, but since you want to make a new start, it is going to take baby steps. You will get there.

[lanty3]

no,i guess you wouldn`t know how i feel ,brando. i`ve read many of your posts ! thanks for writing

[brando]

Np.. I wish i had more to say... stick around here, their are some great folks here...you may find some answers from talking with others.

 

 

be well,

Brando

[Slacker]

Brando's got a point. In many ways you're at an advantage, because when you are intimate with someone, you'll be mature enough to fully appreciate it.

[rose2summer]

I agree with the previous posters that with age, you understand your body more, aka can give truer affection to your mate, which translates to better intimacy. I am sure your experiences will be fruitful and worth the wait and your partner will appreciate that you waited for them and be understanding of your wants/desires.

[Cadence308]

Well, lanty, I'm definitely in your situation, although you are a few years older than me. Sometimes reading the threads on this site make it hard for me. Sometimes I'm glad that I haven't give myself away like a lot of people have to a lot of people. For me, it's a little about pride that I have something that no one has experienced with me, yet. At the same time, I am often embarrassed to admit to friends that I'm still a virgin and quite inexperienced at being close, intimate, or sexual. So, when these talks come up, I don't have much to contribute, naturally.

 

I've also recently (in the last 2 years) come to the conclusion that I'm a lesbian. So the issue of where and how to meet women who are also interested in dating women becomes a second problem.

 

Ultimately, I have a very real fear of being close to someone. I've had my heart broken before and it's been almost too much to bear. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone and having them cheat on me or no longer be attracted to me, or even them breaking up with me. It seems like I would crack emotionally.

 

Do you want to be intimate with another person or do you just like your space too much? If you do want to be intimate with another person, do you put yourself in situations that allow you to meet someone that you would potentially be interested in in a partner?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hi Lanty,

Your situation has struck a chord and maybe you can help me understand what is going on with my situation. I fell for a man who seems to have the same problem, he has never gotten over his fear of emotional risk. I have been patient and understanding since I understand where he is coming from. It is very clear he cares about me and over almost four years, has made several attempts to get closer to me (all very subtle, not putting his cards completely out on the table) but then he gets scared and retreats. From what little I know about his past, this is his history. He seems to be petrified of being in a relationship. He is in his forties. I have opened up to him, and he knows how much I care about him..... Here I am, someone who is reliable and safe, someone he wouldn't have to worry about rejecting him, and yet he still can't go that extra step to finally let the walls come down and allow the relationship to develop into something more emotionally fulfilling. Perhaps you have some insights, as someone who is struggling with the fear of emotional risk. Have you had anybody head over heels for you? Did you let your guard down or did you let them go? Did they give up on you and you let it go and didn't try to get them back?

[Imperceptible]

I've never been in love and I've never had the intimacy that you mentioned.I don't know how people fall in love or share closeness and intimacy. I know how you feel. It feels like the whole world has experienced love and I'm an outsider looking in. I considered FWB so I could feel close to someone for a few moments but Enotaloners reminded me that will not give me what I want.

Once you meet someone you have to put your emotions on the line to figure out if the feeling is mutual. Have you had the opportunity to meet someone and put your emotions out there or has the fear of risk kept you from meeting someone?

[monkey1]

I too think that reading about the situations and experiences have and are going through is difficult to comprehend at times, whether the situation is making someone unhappy or happy. I haven't experienced very much, and I feel sad at times thinking "I wish I had that experience" or "I wonder what that would feel like?"

 

But only I can make it happen ... and also my partner.

 

It's an issue of finding someone you feel comfortable with and trust with all your heart and for them to feel the same way. And yes, that is making yourself vulnerable with your partner during sex and even outside of it. You just need to step up and put yourself out there because love (and sex) is one of the best things you can experience with someone who you feel safe and comfortable with.

[CheerfulSprocket]

Hi Lanty,

 

I too can relate in many ways to your post, which I think speaks perfectly to the strengths and difficulties specific to forums such as these - at the same time that you learn to expand your capacity for empathy, understanding, and acceptance (of self and others), it also underscores sometimes the depth of the distance from others.

 

For me, I think in part it’s just my nature and personality to be a little bit of a loner and to need a little more emotional space to process things. Partly maybe because as an Asian growing up in a community that was very much minority-intolerant, I’ve always sort of felt a distance from others. And maybe also it’s because my academic background sort of lends itself very well to an objective, analytical approach to things. In any event, I think for me, intimacy comes in many forms - for example, I love art and music and literature precisely because I feel like that can be the rawest, truest, most intimate way people communicate. You know? So maybe you don’t have that one-on-one romantic sort of intimacy at the moment, but I think (the very fact that you posted what you did) indicates to me that you already have the capacity, and probably have already experienced, intimacy with those around you. And maybe if you accept that you already have intimacy with others in a certain sense, it might be easier to work toward realizing intimacy in romance and partnership.

 

Also, in my experience, sometimes it’s the people who are most frequently in and out of relationships that actually comprehend intimacy least of all. Of course, that’s not always the case, obviously.

 

Sprocket

[lanty3]

I've never been in love and I've never had the intimacy that you mentioned.I don't know how people fall in love or share closeness and intimacy. I know how you feel. It feels like the whole world has experienced love and I'm an outsider looking in. I considered FWB so I could feel close to someone for a few moments but Enotaloners reminded me that will not give me what I want.

Once you meet someone you have to put your emotions on the line to figure out if the feeling is mutual. Have you had the opportunity to meet someone and put your emotions out there or has the fear of risk kept you from meeting someone?

the fear of risk has definitley kept me from meeting someone. there have times when when i felt someone was attracted or interested but i never let myself believe it. i envied them,they seemed willing to take a chance that i never could. in a strange way i actually resented them for it.

[Imperceptible]

the fear of risk has definitley kept me from meeting someone. there have times when when i felt someone was attracted or interested but i never let myself believe it. i envied them,they seemed willing to take a chance that i never could. in a strange way i actually resented them for it.

 

I felt the same way! I wondered why they were interested in me and then have the courage to let me know they were interested. I thought this must be some kind of trick. I was scared that once I would take the risk to get involved with someone everything would end fast and I would become more resentful of love. The one time I put myself out there and gave into this attraction and took a chance with a person I thought cared about me I found out he only wanted sex and it's no surprise that I'm more resentful of love, everyone who is in love, and the process of going out and meeting people.

I've read so many unhelpful self-help books to try to make sense of why I felt this way that I can probably write a book myself. All I know for sure is that it's really hard to put yourself out there when there's so much pressure.

I hope you can take the pressure and get out there, fake confidence if you have to, and start the search. Then come back and let me know how you did it. I've just about given up but I hope to enter the race later when I can regain my confidence and somehow figure out how love and intimacy could happen to someone like me.