hottytoddy05 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Me and my husband have been married 5 years and dated for 3 years. A few years ago I caught him looking at porn and talking to other women online. I told him how I felt he said ok and that it wouldn't happen again. Well I caught him at it again last year when I was 7 months pregnant. I had had it I was leaving and all that. He begged and pleaded with me to stay and that he would NEVER do it again. Well in March I caught him again. By this time we have a 9 month old and I really wanted to leave. Why I didn't who knows. We went to counseling, preachers, have been very open about how this has hurt me and our marriage and all that, but I can't get over it. I am not one to tolerate much crap, but I have 1/3 of my life invested in this relationship. I truly married by best friend, I loved him more and more the longer we were married. We have people comment on how they wish their marriage and relationship was like ours (was). The porn thing I can get over, but all the women and the things he was discussing with them, that should have been with me, his wife. there is just something I can not get over about this whole situation. Sex has never been an issue with us, he is the one who has never been able to keep up in the bedroom believe it or not. He says he doesn't know why he does it, he knows he shouldn't etc...but that something that started out normal as a teenager just hasn't gone away. He swears I am the only one he has ever been with and that I am the only one he wants to be with. I need some suggestions and support here from anyone who has been in this situation. I still think about it everyday and get mad, and I think I really still want to leave. Thanks](*,) Link to comment
kellbell Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Hi there, I am so sorry about what has happened. Perhaps he has a porn addiction, along the lines of a gambling, alcohol, or drug addiction. The person knows it is bad, it will hurt others but cannot seem to help it. I am not trying to stick up for him or invalidate how you feel but something you pointed out made me think of an addiction..."doesn't know why he does it, he knows he shouldn't etc...but that something that started out normal as a teenager just hasn't gone away." Perhaps counseling for him? Link to comment
eyeswideopen Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 From a guy's perspective I don't personally see anything wrong with him looking at porn. Porn is porn... he's not cheating, not going out with anyone else, or taking the step towards that. It sounds like he just wants to "jerk off" to something different, aka a fantasy for a bit. Instead of trying to fight it, why not try watching it with him, see where it goes, and ask him to tell you the things he tells these other people. I don't think this is something worth losing a relationship over. On the other hand, if the other things he was telling other women online was I love you, this, that, etc. then that may be a problem. That's just me. I'm a guy. I would never ever ever cheat. But I have been known to watch a porn from time to time. It's just a fantasy.. that's it. Link to comment
eyeswideopen Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I guess I didn't think of the addiction factor. If this is something that he is spending ALOT of time on, then that's another issue. If it's something he just does from time to time like once a week or whatever, I wouldn't call it an addiction. Link to comment
kellbell Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I do not have a problem with porn either, but in healthy doses. It is a problem when it starts to impede on other matters. This is the case here. Also, chatting with porn women on the internet is WAY over the line and I would not tolerate it. But if he is truly and geniunely sorry but cannot help himself...then addiction comes to mind. Porn can be cheating if one partner thinks it is cheating. If that is a boundry. What people consider cheating varies tremendously. That is why it is so crucial to discuss these kinds of matters very early on so there is no misunderstandings or assumptions. Link to comment
IBNHADI Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I know how you feel. i've been married five years as well and my husband likes to watch porn it seems all the time but usually with me i dont even care for it actually i hate it and if i dont want to watch it he gets mad usually. but i dont think i would divorce him over it. but i really think if you tryed to just ignore it and if he is not going out on you i wouldnt worry about it. Does he give you alot of attention and how do you get along otherwise? Link to comment
Scout Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 If it's something he just does from time to time like once a week or whatever, I wouldn't call it an addiction. I guess I'd have to do some research to find out what kind of frequency really constitutes an addiction, but if my boyfriend was getting off on porn once a week, I would consider that an addiction. And I would be very disinclined to encourage his objectifying women as sexual objects, so I would not "get involved" with it. How would you feel if your girlfriend watched male porn once a week? Seriously, I don't mean this in a sarcastic way. Would you not start to experience some insecurities and wonder if you're not enough for her? That you're not attractive enough for her? Link to comment
flower99 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 "The porn thing I can get over, but all the women and the things he was discussing with them, that should have been with me, his wife. there is just something I can not get over about this whole situation." You're right! this would bother me to. To me it does seem like cheating in the mind (depending on what the topic was, by the way you put it, it sounds innapropriate) since the couselling & preachers have you seen a change or is he still talking to these women? are you still holding the anger cause you haven't forgiven him or cause you think he's still doing it? Link to comment
Cadence308 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I can see how the porn habit would be annoying and it sounds like it is an addiction, thereforeeee it probably is hard for him to control. The internet just makes it worse with the easy, any time access. As far as chatting with women online about your private life and sex life, you are right to be PISSED about that. That sounds like it's opening the doors for infidelity and I would make him get counseling and maybe consider not having internet access at home. If he wants to be online he can check his email at the public library where there is usually about an hour time maximum. Link to comment
eyeswideopen Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 How would you feel if your girlfriend watched male porn once a week? Seriously, I don't mean this in a sarcastic way. Would you not start to experience some insecurities and wonder if you're not enough for her? That you're not attractive enough for her? I honestly wouldn't care. To me it's just fantasy and not reality. In fact, I'd rather my girlfriend go to a male strip club then go out with a bunch of cooworkers she may have some kind of attraction to. I wouldn't feel insecure about it in any way whatsover. In my humble opinion, it is unrealistic to expect your partner to only be attracted to you for the rest of your life. I'm almost to the point of thinking it's unrealistic to expect someone to be faithful (although I personally would never cheat) but feel these kinds of outlets (porn, strip clubs) provide a healthy, safe way of releasing those types of feelings. Maybe porn is a reason why I wouldn't ever cheat. I'm able to fantasize about other women without ever actually being with another woman. Think about when you and your partner are older, much older say in your 40's, 50's... a woman, and a man, do not have the same physical attributes and sexual appeal as a porn star.. so while you can still make love and maybe more with your lifetime partner, you can satisfy a primal urge or a need with porn. It's just a thought, not an action... or to me, the difference between a minor issue, and a dealbreaker. And let's be honest ladies... you've never imagined someone else or fantasized about another male ever during your entire relationship? Not Vin Diesel, Tom Cruise, the mechanic, the pool guy, no one? A guy has a bit less creativity.. we need a visual, hence the porn. It doesn't even have to be a porn. It could be the victora secret catalog, whatever. Another reason I don't see the issue with porn is... let's say I'm really in the mood.. and I mean really.. and my lover is not.. I don't want to try and cooerce her, guilt her, or worse, force her to have sex with me. In other words, I want her to have sex with me because she wants to and no other reason. OK, no problem my love, I'll be right back.. and I go take care of myself. Link to comment
dizzylizzy Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Don't compromise your standards. Myself I don't care for the porn but talking sexually to other women is really pusing the bondaries. Unfortunately with the internet everything is just a little to accessible and people are getting to caught up in the sexual side of it. It's like with drugs you keep needing a little more and a little more to reach that state of euphoria that they are looking for. Link to comment
hottytoddy05 Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 We have always been SUPER close, we do alot of stuff together, and some apart. This was the only thing I didn't know about him. We have watched stuff together before, now I feel like an idiot if it truly is a problem. Like I said earlier, the porn I can deal with, but all the women he was talking to I jst can't understand. We have always told each other everything even if the other didn't want to hear it. Link to comment
hottytoddy05 Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 "The porn thing I can get over, but all the women and the things he was discussing with them, that should have been with me, his wife. there is just something I can not get over about this whole situation." You're right! this would bother me to. To me it does seem like cheating in the mind (depending on what the topic was, by the way you put it, it sounds innapropriate) since the couselling & preachers have you seen a change or is he still talking to these women? are you still holding the anger cause you haven't forgiven him or cause you think he's still doing it? He is not still doing it, I really don't know where all the anger is coming from except that I thought we were best friend s and totally honest with each other and I didn't see this coming. It seems to me that he didn't think as much of me and our relationship and I did. Link to comment
hottytoddy05 Posted June 21, 2006 Author Share Posted June 21, 2006 I can see how the porn habit would be annoying and it sounds like it is an addiction, thereforeeee it probably is hard for him to control. The internet just makes it worse with the easy, any time access. As far as chatting with women online about your private life and sex life, you are right to be PISSED about that. That sounds like it's opening the doors for infidelity and I would make him get counseling and maybe consider not having internet access at home. If he wants to be online he can check his email at the public library where there is usually about an hour time maximum. He has no more internet access, that is the thing it's opening the doors to other things. If I stay and forgive him he'll think he got away with it again. Link to comment
Beyondthesea Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Why don't you agree to disconnect the internet? If he really loves you, he won't disagree. Certainly it would be hard but that's a way to ensure he's offline. Unfortunately I would leave him. While you're pregnant? That's far too much to handle. Link to comment
doyathink Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Install a keylogger and tell him you did it. He won't be as tempted to do what he shouldn't be and you will still have internet! Link to comment
flower99 Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 He is not still doing it, I really don't know where all the anger is coming from except that I thought we were best friend s and totally honest with each other and I didn't see this coming. It seems to me that he didn't think as much of me and our relationship and I did. You're right, that is the way it seems, and I could see how you must feel betrayed. But he is your husband. You made the commitment to love him in sickness & health. Now if he is making the attempt to make this right & to seek help & fix this problem. You should try to forgive him & do whatever you can to rid yourself of the anger your holding to. it will benefit both of you. Link to comment
Rabican Posted July 30, 2006 Share Posted July 30, 2006 Porn.. ok. Talking dirty to other people... bad. very bad. If he says "i wont do this again" and he does the same thing 17 more times.... you need to realize that he isnt going to change. Link to comment
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