Hope! a new route.

[ryan1987]

HOPE FOR ALL

 

I have researched lots of articles and devised the best ways to get your relationship back with out using strict NC!

 

IF YOUR PARTNER IS DISTANT OR ASKED FOR A BREAK

 

First of! It's never too late, so long as there is still breath. Circumstances change for people every day, and so you never know what will open up next. Most importantly, "a mistake is never a mistake, unless nothing is learned from it, let me clue you in: When people say they want to be "simple" at the moment, they are just saying they don't want to be tied down or committed. So go with it! It's just like fishing. When the fish begins to fight fiercely for its freedom, the wise fisherman doesn't try to reel him in at that moment. He gives the fish all the line he wants to run...but he does keep him on the line. The way to do this at the moment is to just be a friend. Don't even mention commitments for the next 6 - 12 months. Give them all the line they want, and when they get tired of running they might find there is still a connection with you.

 

If you ask yourself "How could I rekindle her interest in me without seeming as though I don't care?" The paradox of love, though, is that "acting like you don't care" is actually one of the keys to "rekindling her interest"! remember that!

 

IF YOU HAVE BEEN DUMPED

You say you will stop at nothing to get them back.

Here's what you should do:

First of all, eliminate all criticism, nagging, advising, and/or fighting with them

Second, practice being a really good listener to them.

Approach it Platonically for awhile. The great secret that most people don't understand in all this is that Platonic Friendship is the foundation for true love. It is non-threatening in the beginning, but it is like glue that will cement two people's hearts together over time. Only when you have laid the foundation for true love properly is it time to later use the psychological incentives to awaken their sense of passionate realization that they can't live without you. Ignore your competition for now. If the begin to date another person do not panic! Because they will be lacking the very foundation I am advising you to cultivate. Remember Aesop's story about the Tortoise and the Hare. This moral that the slow but steady approach wins in the end will apply in this case!

Quit FISHING FOR FEEDBACK, and so forth. Start for now by just not calling them for, say, the next 2 months. Then, when you call them, just chat and be friendly, but don't ever discuss the relationship anymore. Don't ask how she feels towards you, or anything like that. Just be casual and Platonic towards them for the next 4 months. THEN, you can pursue seeing her more. But never TALK about these things. Just do it. And back off gracefully IF she doesn't go for it. Don't act all down in the mouth and depressed. Just act happy. Show yourself as being emotionally strong and independent! These are strong characteristics that will let you appeal and appear more attractive to them! Try and remember what first made you attractive to them!

After a period of time you will become more detached from your ex! thereforeeee you are once again an interesting individual! You possess something new and you can once again rekindle that honeymoon period! You are a new person! Stronger! Independent! Fascinating! But most importantly you are FRESH! And this time with you new found relationship experience and wisdom! You have educated yourself on what didn’t work and this time round you can avoid it!

 

The 10 most important mistakes we make

 

 

1. Creating a relationship

without also building a friendship.

 

Getting deeply involved and never taking time to get to know your partner or care about what really matters to him or her.

 

 

2. Not being honest about how you really feel, what you want or what really bothers you. Instead you:

a) Pretend there are no problems and go along with things.

 

b) "Walk on Eggshells" or stuff your feelings instead of doing what’s hard: resolving issues or leaving.

 

3. Not taking care of yourself before, during and

after "The Relationship."

 

4. Depending on your partner for your happiness instead of establishing your own life.

a) Expecting the other person to make your life wonderful and complete.

 

b) Putting everything into and building your whole life around just one person.

 

5. Forgetting that true love takes time:

a) Starting too fast

b) Leaving too soon.

 

6. Expending all your energy on creating romance or focusing on sex rather than working on the relationship.

 

7. Searching for love without knowing what you need or want.

 

8. Believing that if the sex is good everything else will work out.

 

9. Relying on first impressions to make your choices and predetermining your expectations.

 

*10. Failing to discover what went wrong in your last relationship and thereforeeee making the same mistake again.*

 

 

 

 

GOOD LUCK!!

[Starfall]

What a great post... and all true.

[coollady1957]

Great post Ryan,,,,,,,, you have gained much wisdom in your 18 years.

[hurtingrl]

I agree, great post. I wish I realized all those mistakes when I was 18 and I think I would have avoided several heartbreaks (my own and others)

[DCMann2]

This is a fantastic post, and I've been applying many different techniques into getting back my ex and creating something that will (hopefully) work for me. Some of the things you said were really good (such as being their friend and giving them room to run and all that), and that's something I'll definitely apply. Granted, I'll apply it through limited contact, but that's not the point. The point is, I'll apply it, and keep everything light and happy, and I'll let her know that everything is going well for me in subtle ways (which they are).

[Juha]

Ryan

 

great post and it will be helpful to others..

 

WIsh I had seen this when I was younger and not had to learn them the hard way...

[joyce1412]

i have to say, i'm still a little confused as to when it's best to do LC versus NC. it seems that the people on this board tend to champion both approaches but at different times and for different reasons. i want to get back with my ex, but some have urged me to go NC.

 

maybe someone could elaborate on when it is best to use each approach? that might help everyone out.

[pablovblack]

i have to say, i'm still a little confused as to when it's best to do LC versus NC. it seems that the people on this board tend to champion both approaches but at different times and for different reasons. i want to get back with my ex, but some have urged me to go NC.

 

maybe someone could elaborate on when it is best to use each approach? that might help everyone out.

 

Joyce its really up to you to decide what method to use, but If you will please tell us your situation and we may be able to point you in the right direction. But dont forget that If you want your ex back and people are telling you to go NC, then its probably for a good reason and the hardest thing is accepting that it may be the only way. Im coming to terms right now that I may never kiss my ex GFs lips or wake up in the morning with her. A bitter pill, but an honest pill no less.

 

And yeah a good post buddy, you have your head screwed on for sure.

[keefy1972]

IMO if you are an emotional wreck, then you need to go NC full bore. LC is for when you have gotten your bearings and can handle hearing certain things that you may not want to. If something really bothers you you always have the option to go back NC for a while.

 

No matter what though, NC or LC, you can't ever stop living your life and doing the things that make you happy. You are the one that matters the most.

[joyce1412]

i don't mean to hijack the thread, but i'll try--keyword try!--to make a long story short and give the info about my breakup.

 

my ex is a musician, we dated for a year and a half. it was just in the last couple of months that his touring and responsibilities basically increased tenfold. we've been broken up for just about two months. however, in the last month of the relationship he expressed a lot of doubts, or would say we should spend time apart and then immediately take it back.

 

reasons (that he gave) for the breakup? we had been arguing somewhat as of late, there was definitely more tension, and i got busier at home since he was gone so much more. we were both having a hard time with the distance, but he had a much harder time with it. since i'm young (early twenties) he said i still needed to grow up, and that he felt like it would only make sense to be together if we were pretty committed to later getting married, and he couldn't promise me that (his idea, not mine). later, he also pointed out things like not being able to "understand" my family and personality differences as reasons why we couldn't be together--i thought they were lame reasons for the most part, some were justifiable though.

 

reasons i might have hope for reconciliation? well, he is gone constantly, so there's literally NO WAY for him to establish a relationship with someone new for at least the next two years, but probably longer. sure, i've considered that he can go hook up with whomever he wants now, but a) he's always been a "relationship guy," b) he said that he wasn't interested in seeing anyone else (he actually said "i wish that was the reason i wanted to break up"--eh??) and c) that will only satisfy him for so long. plus, those girls are NOT interested in him, they're interested in his job. i was also his best friend; aside from his bandmates and brothers, he doesn't hang out with anyone else, i.e. he recently had a birthday party and only five people attended, including his brothers. also, we HAD been talking about eventually wanting to marry each other for some time--i would say about five or so months before we broke up. and i must say, i'm sure everyone says this, but i was pretty perfect for him. i put up with a lot of stuff with his career and being gone that other girls wouldn't.

 

reasons we don't? of course, he is gone constantly, so being as busy and career-focused as he is, that may be a lot of reason for him not to miss me as well. i have heard from several sources that my ex has not been doing well since the breakup, pretty sad, lonely, and depressed, but i have no concrete evidence to suggest that he wants to get back together with me. he has not contacted me for anything but to email me about giving me my things back, and i likewise have not tried to chat about anything else. he has not RESISTED talking or seeing me, in fact suggested "meeting up" to give me back my things, but since then has been almost completely distant.

 

also, weird things he's done since the breakup: 1. included my best friend in a mass text-message invite to one of his shows in the town where she goes to college, and 2. given some books of mine that i'd forgotten about to one of his friends to give to one of MY friends to give to me. i don't know what any of that means but it might be relevant.

[iceman85]

Just would like to say this is a great thread and I think all of the things said are great. I am starting the NC route right now and its extremley hard to completley try removing someone you love that much from your life, but its for the best and sometimes people need to realize that the grass isnt greener without your influence.

 

Joyce I would say since he is a really busy person like you said that NC for awhile would be good, he needs to realize he misses you and I think he will since your so close. Let him come to you, if he does then you can possibly go the LC route. I tried doing LC but it was very hard and nothing was going to come from it right now, the breakup was too fresh and the hurt was still there. NC allows you to move forward and heal and get you in a position where you can do LC.

[joyce1412]

sometimes people need to realize that the grass isnt greener without your influence.

 

there is definitely not a more concise and true way to say it. well, let's hope my ex figures that out. i'm almost certain he will, though, whether or not we get back together. i've been told i'm not an easy one to shake.

[mikeca]

for some reason whenever I feel down about the breakup I listen to music and the "boys of summer" have an interesting lyric that I enjoyed...its in my sig

[DCMann2]

I did NC for about two weeks, and in those two weeks I was able to heal a LOT, and now I'm able to keep LC with my ex. Things are moving very slowly between us (especially since she has another guy), but I have a lot of patience and love, and that helps me get through all of this.

[ryan1987]

i have been nc now for around 2 months, and im planning on regaing my relationship soon, her exams finish on wedensday, so wish me luck people

[ryan1987]

woha !!!!! many months have passed since i wrote this!! and i took superdaves advice and stuck out nc until i was contacted by her not to long ago. we now talk quite abit and i find myself in a strong position, we have yet to talk about the relationship for reasons i believe to be

1, she is very shy and always said that she would never ask a boy out or be the first to talk etc,,

and

2 because i dont feel the need to dive straight into cloudy water, nc has taught me i am more important than a failed relationship, i have built a strong heart and will not be fooled twice my friends!

if love blossoms again! great! if it does not. well her loss! lol

 

be strong and you will achieve more than you can imagine!

[ryan1987]

omg i created this thread almost two years ago, and i cannot believe what i wrote... i was ignorant to the fact that people change, including me. whilst i was worrying about her feelings changing i was oblivious to my own steadily decreasing! i found out last month that she was at a party with a few of my friends and she was drunk, telling them it was the biggest mistake she ever made letting me go. and i can firmly say i felt nothing love comes and goes as does experiences. right now im with an amazing girl and i wouldn't change a thing

[thouse]

omg i created this thread almost two years ago, and i cannot believe what i wrote... i was ignorant to the fact that people change, including me. whilst i was worrying about her feelings changing i was oblivious to my own steadily decreasing! i found out last month that she was at a party with a few of my friends and she was drunk, telling them it was the biggest mistake she ever made letting me go. and i can firmly say i felt nothing love comes and goes as does experiences. right now im with an amazing girl and i wouldn't change a thing

Just wondering if you followed the advice that you posted so long ago. Seems like even though you have a new girlfriend you could have the old one back also if you wanted her.

[programmer]

Dammit, you are indeed lucky But to tell you the truth, you had great odds on your side, you were so young, still is, there are so many opportunities for a young guy like you. But it was a great initial post from you, it gives people hope to fight through rough times.

[ryan1987]

hey guys i did follow that little plan i came up with for a while, but i felt like it was going no where, by the time it worked (if it actually did) i was no longer in love with that girl it was great to look back at this post to remember how i felt