A question about guys (and maybe women too)

[JustaGirl31]

My friend and I have noticed that some men are seem to be more attracted to women who we call "community service projects" than independent women. The "community service" people I am referring to have "problems" such as severe financial issues, emotional distress (due to not getting over a lost love, etc), and are emotionally needy and (most of the time) they are very attractive. They are probably really good people - but don't have their crap together and along comes a nice guy who to fix their problems. I have heard stories of men doing so many things for emotionally needy women - such as buying them excess gifts, loaning money for kids, helping them move and get into apartments, etc. Of course, I'm not referring to long term relationships - just people dating. Is it because men would like to rescue a damsel in distress? Is it to feed their ego?

 

I guess it's similar to girls chasing a "bad boy" - one who is that challenge and always leaves women feeling like crap because they wanted to be the one that changed them and made them see the light. I think some women chase the bad boys out of immaturity because as you get older you want someone to compliment you and not someone to take care of. (I was a big bad boy chaser in my early 20's).

 

What do you guys think? These are just the thoughts that run around in my head sometimes....

[eyeswideopen]

Opposites tend to attract but you hit it on the nose with the gender equality. Nice guys go for bad girls, Nice girls go for bad guys.

[Scout]

This is a very interesting post. I know someone that is in a relationship with someone who definitely qualifies for the "community service project" title. LOL, that's pretty funny by the way!

 

Anyway, this girl has the worst luck, and just cannot seem to handle any responsibility. But, he seems gaga over her. To be fair, she's very bright, but they really seem like opposites in the "Responsibility-O-Meter."

[JustaGirl31]

I know that I out grew it because I was able to identify what the source was and my attraction to "bad" guys. When I was younger, I wanted to prove something to someone and myself.

Now - I like the challenge of a guy - but not a "bad boy" just an independent man and I'm not out to rescue anyone.

Do you think that men outgrow it with maturity?

[CluelessGuy321]

ah. Dunno. This isn't me though. I hate irresponsible women with no ambition. I mean....where would you go from there?

[Daddy Bear]

this does have some validity in my life. many times i've wondered if i was put on this Earth to help women out and leave them in a better way than i found them. it's not that i seek them out, and some of those i've been with had no real problems to speak of, but when i meet a 'CSP' i can't turn away without trying to help. one of my biggest heroes is the guy who dove into an ice-covered river to save a drowning woman who had been thrown into the freezing water after her plane crashed and split open on landing.

 

i don't have a perfect record, unfortunately... but who does?

[jumper71]

You and your friend are very astute. It is true to some degree, just as women going after * * * * * * * * who treat them horribly.

 

The damsel in distress is an easy trap to fall into and sometimes it is done unknowingly especially in the beginning. It strokes the ego, it inflates confidence and gives a strong sense of purpose and meaning. It is also complete BS as it is easily manipulated by women, some who do it intentionally and those that are eternally in the midst of turmoil of some sort. As a relationship forms it can become tiresome as the problems never cease, the minute one is finally resolved there are three others cropping up be it another suitor, work issue, whatever. If the problems resolve and then there is no need of fixing the situation of the relationship can take a turn for the worse as the ego inflation no longer exists and the dynamic of the relationship can change. Either way, it is a great way to jump into something, but for long term it is destined for * * * * *ing and griping, fueling the bars and alcohol industries for men not wanting to return home after work, high divorce rates, and bitter attitudes towards other women in the future, hence the popularity of the song "Gold Digger".

 

Like the bad boy finally tamed by the girlfriend who grows bored of him once he learns to cry during lifetime movies...

[JustaGirl31]

Like the bad boy finally tamed by the girlfriend who grows bored of him once he learns to cry during lifetime movies...

 

That's so funny.....and true too many times....

[Iceman26]

I think men just view women like that as being easier; like a lion after a wounded gazelle.

 

In my experiences, I think women like that tend to make a guy feel more needed (though it is not a healthy need) versus an independent woman who will be more aloof.

[Daddy Bear]

I think men just view women like that as being easier; like a lion after a wounded gazelle.

 

 

 

that's completely off the mark in my case. i have less than a hundred years to make a difference, and i want to go where i'm needed and help who i can.

 

i don't want to consume the weak, i want to help them be strong. the girl who has it all doesn't need me and won't appreciate me as much as the one i can lift up and set back on her feet, and i'd rather stop and help a fallen runner than pursue the fastest in the bunch. this is just me.

[Iceman26]

that's completely off the mark in my case. i have less than a hundred years to make a mark, and i want to go where i'm needed and help who i can.

 

Well, as I said in my second sentence, there are men who like that kind of neediness from a woman.

 

I used to have a friend who sought those women out in particular. Last time I checked, he is paying off her debt, her rent, taking care of her kid, and to top it all off she had dumped him over 10 times and cheated on him, and every time he begged to have her back.

 

Personally, I always liked being with someone who was with me for me, not for what I could do to help them out.

[Daddy Bear]

Personally, I always liked being with someone who was with me for me, not for what I could do to help them out.

 

well, i guess i'm just more of a giver than you are. that's ok, it takes all kinds to make a world.

[Iceman26]

well, i guess i'm just more of a giver than you are. that's ok, it takes all kinds to make a world.

 

Not necessarily. My feelings on good relationships are that they are give and take, not give.

[Nightshade]

I am familiar with men like that. My friends and I refer to them as having a "Messiah complex", because these men self-assign themselves roles to save women from themselves. They try to fix women, but it rarely works in the long run.

[Daddy Bear]

hey, mine too Iceman! but helping my fellow human IS rewarding to me, and i would never say something like this:

 

Personally, I always liked being with someone who was with me for me, not for what I could do to help them out.

[Iceman26]

I see nothing wrong with helping out my fellow man/woman. I am not sure where you are getting the impression that I don't. I don't think I would post here if I didn't care about other people.

[Daddy Bear]

simple. i got that from your negative characterization in this thread of a person who is willing to give more than he gets as a lion who wants to pounce on a wounded gazelle, and by your admission that you would reject someone as a potential partner on the basis of her need for a helping hand.

 

too far OT, and my opinion on this subject is encapsulated in my previous posts. last word to you.

[Iceman26]

simple. i got that from your negative characterization in this thread of a person who is willing to give more than he gets as a lion who wants to pounce on a wounded gazelle, and by your admission that you would reject someone as a potential partner on the basis of her need for a helping hand.

 

too far OT, and my opinion on this subject is encapsulated in my previous posts. last word to you.

 

You choose to view that analogy in a negative light, but my meaning is that I have seen men take advantage of women in weak phases of their life to control, dominate, and take advantage of women in a weakened condition.

 

I would not reject a woman as a friend in that position, but I would delay beginning a relationship with someone in this position until we both would feel that we were on fairly equal ground emotionally.

 

If you don't want to say any more about it thats cool, but don't give me veiled insults and expect me not to defend myself.

[RayKay]

Very good topic Girl!

 

Yes, this is something I have noticed too in friends or family, or very often on here in fact with some members.

 

Now I am not fond of the author, but the book itself has some good points - 10 Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives, by Laura Schlessinger. In it, she discusses this very "Damsel in Distress" phenomena, the why's, and also the consequences of it. It's a interesting read, and probably good for those whom find themselves in these relationships repeatedly.

 

For many men, it is because they are attracted to the need to feel needed, not realizing that these "damsels" will really not make suitable partners in the sense of balance, compromise, mutual respect and support. Often too, they find the damsels in distress, LIKE being damsels in distress and will continue to create that drama they need, or else find someone else to rescue them all over again. This goes back to the "before you have a positive relationship, you need a positive relationship with yourself" or "you must love yourself before you can love another".

[Daddy Bear]

I am familiar with men like that. My friends and I refer to them as having a "Messiah complex", because these men self-assign themselves roles to save women from themselves. They try to fix women, but it rarely works in the long run.

actually, it's called the "broken wing syndrome", and a good synonym might be altruism. for me, it's all about modestly helping all people in need without expectation of a return, not "saving women from themselves". how often i succeed is not relevant to my desire to be of use to humanity.

 

Messianic complex is something unrelated, pertaining to the schizophrenic belief that one is elevated above his fellow man and the incarnation of a deity.

[Scout]

For many men, it is because they are attracted to the need to feel needed, not realizing that these "damsels" will really not make suitable partners in the sense of balance, compromise, mutual respect and support. Often too, they find the damsels in distress, LIKE being damsels in distress and will continue to create that drama they need, or else find someone else to rescue them all over again.

 

This certainly seems to describe the couple I know that I referenced in an earlier post. And I suspect eventually her boyfriend is going to get really worn down if she doesn't shape up. Unless she loves him - and herself - enough to start to pull herself up by her own bootstraps.

 

I've seen more than a few posts on here from men who are absolutely in shock that their partner left them - they'll describe how they made so many sacrifices and did everything in the world for these women - and they can't believe she left him for someone that is typically a loser. That would explain the need these "damsels" have to create drama all over again.

[Starfall]

We need more people like slightlybent in this world. It's such a tough world out there at times and how wonderful that someone would choose to help out someone in need with no expectations. The only downfall is that there are many women, along with men who could take advantage of such a caring person. He has a good head on his shoulder and I'm sure can tell the difference. I too like to help the underdog, but find it hard to have a solid relationship with that person until they gain confidence and respect back to make better decisions.

[JustaGirl31]

I think we can all agree that it's a good human nature to help people we care about out when they are going through bad times. However - what I was referring to in this topic - and many people understood that - was that some men are sometimes more attracted to emotionally or financially needy women rather than emotionally stable and independent women. This can be for many reasons - but I think slightybent made a point when he said " the girl who has it all doesn't need me and won't appreciate me as much as the one i can lift up and set back on her feet"

As someone that is independent and doesn't need a man - I would appreciate a man in my life for what he offers as a person, not what he offers as charity.

I have a friend that dated a girl and gave her $10K to buy a car - and she continued to take and take for him, all he got out of the deal was heartbreak and debt. He felt sorry for her and thought he'd be her knight and shinning armor. I just think it's interesting.

[RayKay]

As someone that is independent and doesn't need a man - I would appreciate a man in my life for what he offers as a person, not what he offers as charity

 

Bingo, I agree. In fact, I am MORE appreciative of whom they are a person because I am independent. I am not basing my feelings and need for them on just for what they can "do for me".

 

Partnership and mutual interdependence (rather than codepedence) is really underrated sometimes.

[Starfall]

I haven't met any men like that but I have this girl I work with who has given and given and given and this guy has sucked her dry. He preyed upon her giving nature and eventually had her buying him clothes, ended up moving him in with her, even though she knew he was seeing others. I think in her case, she was very insecure. I think she felt that if she "could make this guy love her" that she would feel ok about herself somehow. He just used her and finally "knock on wood" she's gotten the hint and won't do this again. It's a pattern with some people.

I do feel sorry for people who have the best of intentions only to get burned after they've been used up.