Should I break NC and expose myself?

[WaterMan]

I have a little dilemma and would like some advice.

 

I have been broken up from my ex of 3 years for about 6 months. She dumped me because she thought I didn't make her a priority (not true) and she wanted to try dating someone else. I was crushed.

 

I have not spoken to her or seen her for 5 months. I ignored any e-mails, IMs, etc because I heard NC was the way to go. It took awhile but eventually I felt better.

 

The ex started dating a new guy shortly after. A friend of mine told me that it didn't work out recently and the guy dumped her. Karma I guess you would call it.

 

Anyhow, recently she sent me a short e-mail, such as "How are things going and do you hate me?" I am sure this is because she is feeling lonely and wants comfort from someone.

 

How do I know if this interest is genuine or fake? How do I know if It is worth my time to talk to her and to let my guard down? I miss this girl to death but don't want to open a healing wound. I must remind myself that this girl has made me feel worse than anyone else in the world. Please help.

 

Thanks so much.

[lady00]

Don't break NC. Give it time until you miss her less and can think more objectively about whether or not she is someone you want in your life again as a friend or as something else. I don't think any harm can come of waiting but I do think some harm can come of responding to her right now when you are emotionally vulnerable and she has just come off a breakup.

[nicorette]

i think that if you write her something back without ANY expectations, and you wont be hurt if she doesnt answer, it wont effect you at all..i think you should perhaps say something casual, brief adn friendly. however if in any way it is not what you want to hear then i think you should ignore it. waht do you think?

[annie24]

welcome to eNotalone.

 

I don't know - I think you should be verrrrrrrrrryyy cautious! She broke your heart once, she can do it again.

 

I almost feel like she should be the one who should state the case for why you should trust her again. why is she writing to you? if it is just to be friends, don't bother. if she wants to reconcile, she needs to say that. AND give you a darned good reason why you should trust her and what changes she has made in your life and why she thinks you are the one for her.

 

A "how are things going" e-mail doesn't seem to indicate that she is wanting you back for real. She could just be bored and lonely now that she is single and she wants to see if she can still string you along.... She may be contacting you for an ego boost.

 

I don't know, maybe I am too harsh and blunt, but if an ex called with "hey, how's it going?" I would just be like, "Ok, why are you REALLY calling me?"

[FCTex]

I'm going to echo the rest of the posters on this one..

 

 

I've been down this road, on both ends... and in one instance I think your NOT over all this, and NOT okay with it all still, so your looking for reasonings as to why she's contacting you.

 

On the other side of the fence, her contact COULD be because she's lonely, and perhaps realizes a mistake was made.. But it could also just be her stroking her ego, and easing her guilt.. She simply might want to know if you hate her in which case, any answer other than yes, would appease her curiosity.

 

If I were you?

 

I'd wouldn't reply... If she really wanted to try again as you might suspect, I believe she has to be the one to do anything to get the ball rolling again. Trust me on this one.. She's left you once, and she can, and will do it again if given the opportunity and chances. If she wants it to work out, and loves you, she will do everything in her right mind to make it work.

 

You shouldn't have to mend what she's destroyed, and you certainly aren't in ANY position to be the one to take the pitfall at making another pass..

 

Sit and relax bud, things will take their places, this just isn't the time for you to make the move I don't think.... But follow your heart, and remember any un positive contact can set you back 1-2 months of what you've built on.

[annie24]

very good point! if she is serious about wanting to get back together (as opposed to being bored or lonely), she will call again!

[friscodj]

I am sure this is because she is feeling lonely and wants comfort from someone.

 

Ladies and gentlemen...we have a winner here! Tell him what he's won Johnny!

 

This is how it starts man. By "it" I mean you running back to her at her every whim. You do it once, it only gets easier the next time. She has plenty of friends she can talk to or ask for help or comfort...trust me...

 

Unless she sends you some communication which says something closely related to, "You know, I've been doing so much thinking about us and I really think I made a mistake. I'd really like it if we can talk about this because I don't want to regret letting you go" you go NC until hell freezes over and snowmen fly out of your butt and start singing songs and dancing around your room...

[WaterMan]

You have no idea how much I appreciate the responses and advice.

 

I was very close to writing her back and telling her that I never hated her but after listening to all of you, that seems to be the wrong thing to do. I am sure she would write back, but that would only get my hopes up for nothing and feed her ego. ( I am not one to play games here)

 

Everyday has been better but I am certainly not over this girl. I guess a "how are things" message doesn't offer much hope or interest on her part. But then again, who is going to come flat out and tell the person they dumped that they want to try again? I don't think I would. I would probably ease in a few messages and guage their interest.

 

I guess you can't go wrong with saying nothing. And that I will do for now. In the mean time I will continue on my journey of life and wait for her to show more interest. I hope I am not making a mistake.

 

Thank you once again.

[friscodj]

I am sure she would write back, but that would only get my hopes up for nothing and feed her ego. ( I am not one to play games here)

 

Man, you got this thing figured out...

 

I guess a "how are things" message doesn't offer much hope or interest on her part. But then again, who is going to come flat out and tell the person they dumped that they want to try again? I don't think I would. I would probably ease in a few messages and guage their interest.

 

In time, if she really and truly wants to get back together, she'll spill her guts like this. That's the key: she has to really want it. How common is that? Not very. But then again, how many times do relationships survive long term after a break up and reconciliation? Not many. She has to decide this for herself, without your influence or availability as a security blanket for her.

 

But do you really want her back? I'd bet my next paycheck there are plenty of women out there who would be a better fit for you...

[annie24]

But then again, who is going to come flat out and tell the person they dumped that they want to try again?

 

my ex did! he called me out of the blue and within the first 2 minutes stated what his purpose for calling me was.

[WaterMan]

In time, if she really and truly wants to get back together, she'll spill her guts like this. That's the key: she has to really want it. How common is that? Not very. But then again, how many times do relationships survive long term after a break up and reconciliation? Not many. She has to decide this for herself, without your influence or availability as a security blanket for her.

 

But do you really want her back? I'd bet my next paycheck there are plenty of women out there who would be a better fit for you...

 

Ah yes I must keep this in mind. No reason for me to try to influence her. It must be her own choice. Another reason for not responding.

 

I don't really know if I want "her" back at this point. One side says yes, another side recognizes that I simply miss having a girlfriend and a woman I can be close with emotionaly. I have dated a few girls since, but they haven't been a better match.

 

So annie your ex came back to you out of the blue??? I am amazed. That took a lot of guts on their part and yours if you accepted. Has it worked out?

[friscodj]

Ah yes I must keep this in mind. No reason for me to try to influence her. It must be her own choice. Another reason for not responding.

 

I don't really know if I want "her" back at this point. One side says yes, another side recognizes that I simply miss having a girlfriend and a woman I can be close with emotionaly. I have dated a few girls since, but they haven't been a better match.

 

Man, I'm impressed with your insight. You seem to see the situation as it is and are not living in the clouds like a lot of people do in this situation...

 

That's right, if you do decide you want her back, you don't just want her back. You want her back and you want the resulting relationship to last. Sooooo many people miss the second part there...

 

As far as the dating, I read you are comparing them to your ex. That tells me it's too soon for you to be dating just yet. Give yourself some time and enjoy being single... Seriously, a lot of married people I know say they wish they could have done some things when they were single before the wife and kids came along...

[GottaLetItBurn]

You already know what your talking about but it's good you came here. I can tell you that from now on in your life consider a text or email from an ex as them begging for your attention. She wants you, and you don't want her.

 

Funny how just investing time in getting over them will turn the tables in your favor. Everything is a trade off. The more you ignore her the more in control of your situation you have. One girl already said it, until you can truly not care if she ignores you when you call her back or write..then don't do it.

 

Smart guy though, I can tell you I am just like you, but you are far stonger it seems for such a long relationship. It's good you can actually sort out the facts and emotions that all it is, is you missing the companionship of a relationship.

 

Let her ask you a specific question and then answer it, but don't try to get into conversation is my best tip. SHe has to make an effort, you don't owe her anything, you don't have to put yourself out there to get hurt.

[JohnnyTable]

I probably wouldn't reply to this email. It is just trying to get you to reply.

 

Maybe you could say something like, "To be honest, I haven't really thought about it lately. So I guess not. Hope that helps."

[annie24]

So annie your ex came back to you out of the blue??? I am amazed. That took a lot of guts on their part and yours if you accepted. Has it worked out?

 

No, I didn't accept. he was a real jerk to me while we were together, and the period of NC really made me realize that! Why would I want to go back to it? I was crazy about him while we were dating.

 

He swore up and down that he changed and all that, but ultimately, I didn't believe him. I knew that once he had me "hooked" again, he would go back to being emotionally abusive towards me and acting like a jerk again.

 

No thanks!

[WaterMan]

Thank you everyone for the advice. It is nice to have so many opinions and people who care to listen.

 

I am surprised you are impressed with my insight because I don't have all that much experience with this break-up stuff. But I have done a lot of reading on these forums and I am dedicated to do whatever it takes to come out of it as a stronger and better person. Even if that means taking chances, holding NC and making sacrifices.

 

You are probably right about comparing new girls to the ex. I can't help it. She is the only girl that I have ever really been into and spent such a long period of time dating. It is like going to the first concert of your favorite artist, then going to others years later without comparing them to the first. I guess I just must tell myself that each girl I date is special and unique in their own way and try not to compare.

 

I think the best thing I have done so far is to not answer her message. It gives me the feeling that I am in control of my own life and I don't need her interrupt that.

 

Annie, great decision to not accept if he really did treat you badly. I don't know how so many men can get away with that for as long as they do. I do believe that people can change, but it takes time and commitment. Something not everyone has. Anyhow, good to hear you took control of the situation and made the best decision for you. That is something I am working on right now.

[annie24]

I don't really know if I want "her" back at this point. One side says yes, another side recognizes that I simply miss having a girlfriend and a woman I can be close with emotionaly. I have dated a few girls since, but they haven't been a better match.

 

Ditto to what Frisco said - you are really doing well and on the right path!

 

What you mentioned above is a good point, and not one that many people after a breakup think about. Do they really miss the ex, or do they miss having a regular date for friday and saturday night?