Ex has you blocked but contacts you via email?

[Leigh]

Leigh,

In a way, I do suspect that your initial withdrawl may have been motivated by wanting to punish him for not helping you land the job but that doesn't justify his treatment of you afterwards. Especially when you told him your fears and asked to work it out. You had to lay down your pride for that.

 

Yes I did, and unfortunately, the loss of pride that I suffered as a result is making my efforts to become confident again that much more difficult.

 

My situation wasn't terribly different from yours except that I'm in the role of your ex. I do understand his point of view to a certain degree. However, the first time my ex talked about moving away for a job, I was understanding and wished him well. I was hurt because he was selfish and a liar and didn't tell me to begin with but I didn't retaliate. By teh third time of him constantly coming back I lost my patience and I did ultimately tell him off and I told him to stay away from me. However, at no time did he tell me that he was afraid of not being able to support himself or discuss alternatives to leaving and trying to work it out. You did that and you should have no regrets. Your ex will, however.

 

Thanks for that Belle. I truly appreciate your understanding. I know I have tried almost everything in my power to help him understand my motives. My last resort (and I'm pretty iffy on this) is writing him an email clearly stating what I've taken away from counselling... I want him to understand that my leaving WAS in fact attributable to my past... Somehow I don't think he really believed this - I think he thought it was a copout.

 

Thanks for saying that he'll regret it someday... I would love to believe that but he really seems to think I have the 666 tattooed on my forehead right now. He's typically pretty unforgiving. I don't think he'll take any time at all to trouble himself with remembering me once this is all said and done.

 

Do you ever regret leaving your ex?

 

L.

[Belle]

Yes I did, and unfortunately, the loss of pride that I suffered as a result is making my efforts to become confident again that much more difficult.

 

You'll get it back. Just because you didn't get the results you wanted doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. The only major fault I see is that you pulled the trigger too soon. You would have been better off to communicate your fears instead and try to find a solution. But that's the past.

 

My last resort (and I'm pretty iffy on this) is writing him an email clearly stating what I've taken away from counselling... I want him to understand that my leaving WAS in fact attributable to my past... Somehow I don't think he really believed this - I think he thought it was a copout.

 

I wouldn't do this. I think you should stick to no contact. you've said all you had to say and anything more that you do at this point will push him further away. You need to actively move on. Find a job, find your path in life, find your passion. The only possibility of him coming back will be when you're happy again, in my opinion. Telling him you're changing won't mean anything. Moving away from him will speak volumes. The ball's in his court.

 

When a person does everything they can to make something work and it still doesn't work, they end up with no regrets. The person who did nothing usually does. That is unless they really didn't love you. But it sounds like he did. The prideful person usually has far more regrets.

 

Do I regret leaving my ex? No. My situation, while similar to yours has a distinct difference. He never told me he wanted to try to work things out. He kept coming back so apparently he did, but it seemed like it was on his terms. WIth no real future and no commitment. I didn't sign up for that crap in the beginning so I'm not going to start now. Whenever I replay in my head his arrogant words "I'm moving. That's a fact." or "It is what it is" I have absolutely no regrets. I did everything right in the relationship. For a change. I communicated and I let down my guard and let him in. He didn't because he had no intentions of staying. I gave more than I received and I have no regrets. He already has his and he's admitted as such. I can't regret letting someone go that doesn't want to stay. I can't regret letting him go when he doesn't want to try to make me happy either (even if he had stayed). When you give it your all and you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you have no regrets. Your ex didn't do any of these things in the end. I'm sure he'll regret it.

 

To give you 2 examples. A friend of mine dumped his girlfriend and told her there was no way they'd ever get back together. He wrote an 8 page nastygram that was hateful. She saw him one more time a couple of weeks later to exchange things and he still maintained that he would never ever consider going back. She accepted it and went nc. 6 weeks later he asked her to lunch and said he missed her. She had gotten back with an ex and was engaged. He was suddenly filled with regrets. End result, she left her fiancé because he was a mooch and they got back together about 6 months later. They're married.

 

One of my exes was extremely proud after I dumped him. I tried to go back, thinking I had made a mistake (I hadn't) and he played hard ball. After a few conversations, I realized I couldn't take his mistreatment and that if it was meant to be it would be. We never spoke again. He told a mutual friend he fully regretted what he'd done. The damage was already done. Both cases involved proud men.

[backinlife]

I wouldn't do this. I think you should stick to no contact. you've said all you had to say and anything more that you do at this point will push him further away. You need to actively move on. Find a job, find your path in life, find your passion. The only possibility of him coming back will be when you're happy again, in my opinion. Telling him you're changing won't mean anything. Moving away from him will speak volumes. The ball's in his court.

 

I agree. He knows everything he needs to know. He didn't take a rational decision, so he won't change his mind due to facts. He knows you pulled out for reasons of your past, he knows you will figure them out. Thats all he needs to know. Telling him about your progress in councelling won't push him the other way.

 

When a person does everything they can to make something work and it still doesn't work, they end up with no regrets. The person who did nothing usually does. That is unless they really didn't love you. But it sounds like he did. The prideful person usually has far more regrets.

 

I think so too! Especially after he tried to find someone who can live up to you ;-) He will be depressed as hell about his stubborness. Either he will act on it and grow, or he will be depressed and bitter

[Leigh]

You'll get it back. Just because you didn't get the results you wanted doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. The only major fault I see is that you pulled the trigger too soon. You would have been better off to communicate your fears instead and try to find a solution. But that's the past.

 

Yeah, pulling the trigger too early haunts me everyday. But, then again, I think if I had stayed any longer the relationship may have only dissolved that much more as we each became too frustrated to deal with it. I felt like I was holding everything in all the time - I was afraid to display any emotion to the ex for fear that it would put him off. Looking back, the only choice I had was TO leave to release all those pent up feelings where he wouldn't be able to see it happen. I don't mean for it to sound like I was on the verge of a breakdown or anything, but every once in awhile I'd want to feel like he would be there when I felt low... I remember him having his own doubts about life when we were in the Caribbean pre-big biz opportunity in LA... I had vowed to help him out if his biz was ever to fall through... At the time we had made plans for our future TOGETHER... suddenly LA (and the potential for big bucks) came up and I was nothing but an afterthought. Hurt. Hurt more that I had nobody to talk to about it - I didn't care about the money (beyond my own need to be able to carry my own weight). The reality is I would have been happy living in a shack with him. He got sucked up into a lifestyle - his biz partner was a single 40-year-old with money and lots of girls. I don't justify my insecurity and acknowledge that it wasn't anyone else's fault but my own... but loss of job, new move, no friends, and my bf's only 2 friends in the new place are both perpetual bachelors? It was a ton to take at once. As one of these guy's put it to me... "We don't date, we brag..." Blah. Take that life... it's empty and I wanted nothing to do with it.

 

... at least leaving earlier there are now 90% positive and only 10% negative memories... The relationship HAD been the best either of us had ever experienced up until the job soured...

 

I wouldn't do this. I think you should stick to no contact. you've said all you had to say and anything more that you do at this point will push him further away. You need to actively move on. Find a job, find your path in life, find your passion. The only possibility of him coming back will be when you're happy again, in my opinion. Telling him you're changing won't mean anything. Moving away from him will speak volumes. The ball's in his court.

 

I'm waffling between the two options, but I do understand why you are suggesting I continue with NC. It's funny, because I've already moved away from him (another country) but it's as if it's STILL not enough to show him I'm moving on..

 

When a person does everything they can to make something work and it still doesn't work, they end up with no regrets. The person who did nothing usually does. That is unless they really didn't love you. But it sounds like he did. The prideful person usually has far more regrets.

 

I have regrets too. I don't think he has any right now. I think he feels he tried everything... even though he hasn't tried ANYTHING since the break up...not even when I approached him with solutions 3 days after the break...

 

Do I regret leaving my ex? No. My situation, while similar to yours has a distinct difference. He never told me he wanted to try to work things out. He kept coming back so apparently he did, but it seemed like it was on his terms. WIth no real future and no commitment. I didn't sign up for that crap in the beginning so I'm not going to start now. Whenever I replay in my head his arrogant words "I'm moving. That's a fact." or "It is what it is" I have absolutely no regrets. I did everything right in the relationship. For a change. I communicated and I let down my guard and let him in. He didn't because he had no intentions of staying. I gave more than I received and I have no regrets. He already has his and he's admitted as such. I can't regret letting someone go that doesn't want to stay. I can't regret letting him go when he doesn't want to try to make me happy either (even if he had stayed). When you give it your all and you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you have no regrets. Your ex didn't do any of these things in the end. I'm sure he'll regret it.

 

I understand why you have no regrets. It really sounds like you did everything in your power to deal with your situation the best way you could.

 

To give you 2 examples. A friend of mine dumped his girlfriend and told her there was no way they'd ever get back together. He wrote an 8 page nastygram that was hateful. She saw him one more time a couple of weeks later to exchange things and he still maintained that he would never ever consider going back. She accepted it and went nc. 6 weeks later he asked her to lunch and said he missed her. She had gotten back with an ex and was engaged. He was suddenly filled with regrets. End result, she left her fiancé because he was a mooch and they got back together about 6 months later. They're married.

 

lol @ nastygram. Nice to hear a happy ending... but do you think the reality of her actually getting engaged may have pushed him to get over his pride sooner than what would typically happen?

 

One of my exes was extremely proud after I dumped him. I tried to go back, thinking I had made a mistake (I hadn't) and he played hard ball. After a few conversations, I realized I couldn't take his mistreatment and that if it was meant to be it would be. We never spoke again. He told a mutual friend he fully regretted what he'd done. The damage was already done. Both cases involved proud men.

 

How long before he realized that he had such regrets?

 

Lots of great insight Belle. Thanks again for taking the time to lend your ear.

[mikeca]

You know I was thinking of contacting my ex then I decided to read this thread and it inspired me. When I was in the relationship (my first) I did everything from the heart, I was unaware of mind games and being too available I just wanted to be with her when I could because thats how I love.

 

Now reading the many posts in this thread its brought up several love overcoming pride and I believe in that 100% I would swallow my pride to show my love again. I know that I cant contact her, she will have to put her pride aside and send me a sincere message to show me that shes willing to work on things or to try.

 

NC can only go for so long, before we have to make a choice whether they contact you in some way or you feel you need to intiate contact, what you do from that point on will set the tone. I have read both ways working out but only when someone puts their feelings ahead of their pride.

 

For now I feel for my situation it would be best to let her do the contacting and maybe if it meant to be I will post a story like superdaves here, a posterchild for NC.

 

I hope leigh you can read my words as well as everyone elses and make your decision I believe you know what you want, and you alone should act on it. No regrets.

[Belle]

It sounds like the bachelors' attitudes may have had an influence on your ex's behavior. They sound arrogant. I think that this would have caused problems with the relationship anyway. It sounds like he's going in a different direction at this point.

 

I'm waffling between the two options, but I do understand why you are suggesting I continue with NC. It's funny, because I've already moved away from him (another country) but it's as if it's STILL not enough to show him I'm moving on..

 

That's because you're not supposed to be showing him. You're supposed to be living it. I've noticed that that's when they come back.

 

but do you think the reality of her actually getting engaged may have pushed him to get over his pride sooner than what would typically happen?

 

I think that the ex has an amazing ability to sense when the other has moved on. He didn't know she was engaged when he told her he missed her. But after he found out he kept coming back and was a bit soppy. After all of that proud talk "forget it. I'm done. " It was 6 weeks. There's a magical number of 6-8 weeks that comes up again and again.

[Leigh]

I agree. He knows everything he needs to know. He didn't take a rational decision, so he won't change his mind due to facts. He knows you pulled out for reasons of your past, he knows you will figure them out. Thats all he needs to know. Telling him about your progress in councelling won't push him the other way.

 

I think so too! Especially after he tried to find someone who can live up to you ;-) He will be depressed as hell about his stubborness. Either he will act on it and grow, or he will be depressed and bitter

 

I don't anticipate him acting on it anytime soon... he has his new life now. Someday, perhaps. I'm praying I'll be long gone by then though.

 

Thanks Mona.

[Leigh]

You know I was thinking of contacting my ex then I decided to read this thread and it inspired me. When I was in the relationship (my first) I did everything from the heart, I was unaware of mind games and being too available I just wanted to be with her when I could because thats how I love.

 

Now reading the many posts in this thread its brought up several love overcoming pride and I believe in that 100% I would swallow my pride to show my love again. I know that I cant contact her, she will have to put her pride aside and send me a sincere message to show me that shes willing to work on things or to try.

 

Yes, because you're worth that effort!

 

I really struggle with the NC thing too.. but when I think back I only made 4 calls in 6 weeks (1 right after the break up to offer that I wanted to try again... 1 a few days later to discuss bills and tell him I was okay with the decision... 1 when he was on his way up to San Jose to drop my things to find out when to expect to meet him...and 1 after 7 days on the road on my way home to Canada to let him know I was okay). Aside from that there have been 4 emails (1 initial after the break up, and 3 in response to emails from him) and a handful of IM conversations. Not too bad for ending a long-term, live-in relationship where there were (and still are) many communal issues (furniture etc.) that had to be discussed.

 

NC can only go for so long, before we have to make a choice whether they contact you in some way or you feel you need to intiate contact, what you do from that point on will set the tone. I have read both ways working out but only when someone puts their feelings ahead of their pride.

 

It's a bit of a gamble either way. That's the problem. The only real way to beat the house is to ensure that your well-being is looked after first and foremost. If you are feeling healed enough to initiate contact and truly be alright no matter what the response, then I say go for it. I seem to be leaning more and more for stepping back completely. I think I'll always question how sincere his feelings were for me if HE isn't the one to initiate contact with me now. That is the thought that keeps me from contacting him. It's just not good enough anymore for him to toss me some crumbs because I've decided to alleviate his guilt by allowing him to be my friend. I think I've turned a corner this week.

 

For now I feel for my situation it would be best to let her do the contacting and maybe if it meant to be I will post a story like superdaves here, a posterchild for NC.

 

Yes, the safest thing to do remains...NOTHING.

 

I hope leigh you can read my words as well as everyone elses and make your decision I believe you know what you want, and you alone should act on it. No regrets.

 

Thanks, mikeca. I thought I knew what I wanted, but more and more I realize that what I want isn't for him to come back to me because I've proved something to him. I want him to come back to me because he believes in me and in our love. I want to be a stronger person - there is no way for me to feel stronger by putting myself out there for a man who has turned his back on me. It just doesn't make sense to me anymore.

 

Now, ask me tomorrow and it could be a whole other story again...

 

Thanks for your thoughts, mikeca.

[mikeca]

hey thank you, you helped me today too leigh, if I hadent found this forum who knows...

[Leigh]

It sounds like the bachelors' attitudes may have had an influence on your ex's behavior. They sound arrogant. I think that this would have caused problems with the relationship anyway. It sounds like he's going in a different direction at this point.

 

YESSS!!!! Right? Another little tidbit: My final night in the apartment (when the ex had left for the night so I could pack up) I decided to call one of these guys because he and I had also been friends. (Or so I thought.) He saw the number on the phone, and thinking it was my ex, answered by saying "Is it dead yet?" ie: our relationship. The pause on the phone when he realized who it actually was calling was priceless. Never mind the fact that I started sobbing on the other end of the phone... the ex has since told me that this guy apologized profusely to him for having done this. This is the guy who I helped get through a difficult period in his own life... went out for lunches with him to console him... talk about a knife in the back. That's two knives in the back if you pair it with the biz partner's lack of remorse for contracting out the work that was supposed to come to me... The ex had gone out with "dead yet" guy the night before the break up. I believe he had a huge impact on our break up.

 

My ex was NOT that person at all for the year and a half we were together. That's really what kills me. Even though it all seems very cut and dry right now, I know the ex wasn't 100% he even liked that lifestyle anymore. He was still very torn over the whole break up even after I had left. I think a big part of it was wanting to be "one of the guys" and prove to them that he could hold his own... ugh. But now he's immersed in it and will someday realize that it's not all it's cracked up to be. We had something very special. My ex loved having a companion - loved having me by his side at all times.. he would call me when he was out and try to get me to join him...he would tell me how much he missed me when I would choose to stay at home. He had experienced the single life for 6 years in the Caribbean and when I first moved there every person that knew him couldn't believe that he had actually "settled down". We had many conversations about this after I moved to be with him. I remember asking him if he ever missed that old life. He was very sincere in his response.. that it was fun but very empty and the partnership that we had was unlike anything he'd ever experienced before. "Wouldn't trade it for the world" is how he put it. The fact that he's sacrificed the first true love he's felt in 6 years for a sample of this life really hurts me - but not as much as it will hurt him when he realizes that I'm not sticking around to see how he feels when the party is over.

 

That's because you're not supposed to be showing him. You're supposed to be living it. I've noticed that that's when they come back.

 

Yeah, I've heard that too. I'm about 50% done revamping my portfolio. Should have it up by the end of the week and then the applications are going out! I've already been searching online and have 3 solid prospects in the area where I'd like to move. I just need to get started. One step at a time.

 

I think that the ex has an amazing ability to sense when the other has moved on. He didn't know she was engaged when he told her he missed her. But after he found out he kept coming back and was a bit soppy. After all of that proud talk "forget it. I'm done. " It was 6 weeks. There's a magical number of 6-8 weeks that comes up again and again.

 

Hmmm. I have noticed that 6-8 week number coming up too.

 

Thanks Belle.

[Leigh]

So again today my ex initiates a conversation with my father on MSN.

 

I guess my father had sent him a link the night before to a movie that he thought D should see before going on his "vision quest" motorcycle ride back from Canada to LA in a month. Irrelevant detail here, other than the fact that my father and D seem to have a mentoring type relationship going on here. D was also into martial arts in the Caribbean and my father is a 5th dan black belt - so that could be part of this bond as well.

 

Anyway, so D writes my father today to thank him for the link...D doesn't talk to his own father about stuff like "vision questing" that's for sure. But my father is a pretty wise man. He feels that D is going through somewhat of an identity crisis and is doing his best to be there for him to help give him some of the guidance he may find helpful to figure himself out. D's recent decision to meditate and run also echoes that he's searching for some kind of change or clarity in his life. At least this is what he's expressed to my father.

 

So anyway, somewhere in the conversation...for the first time in 6 weeks.... SHOCK AWE - D ASKS MY FATHER ABOUT ME!

 

D wanted to know if I'd started working at my old job again. (Ad firm that I worked for before moving to the Caribbean a year and a half ago). I hadn't told D that I was even doing this...however, I DID tell his father that my old boss had some freelance work for me here and there while I'm home. So, now I know that D's father DID tell him about my visit.

 

My father told him that I hadn't yet started working there, that I'm concentrating on my portfolio now, and "maybe next week" I'd contact them re: work.

 

I've since requested that my father NOT disclose any details about my life to D. He needs to act aloof. It really bothers me that D was able to bypass me altogether to gain information about my life.

 

Not sure if his question means anything - up until now they've avoided the topic of me like the plague. I've been offline on MSN for almost a week now (longest ever).. plus, the ex has just learned this week that 1- I'm looking at moving to Spain and 2- that my furniture will now be dealt with by my family... ie: there may not be a time for us to see each other again. I think he was looking to see if I'm planted here in any way - may want to know if I'll be here when he gets back here next weekend.

 

But the point is, I think it must have been a bit uncomfortable asking my father about the details of my plans when clearly that means that he doesn't have the guts to ASK ME HIMSELF. Geez.

 

I'm angry that he got around my NC... but my father won't make that same mistake again.

 

That's the latest... it's not earth-shaking or devastating, but at least he remembers that I exist.

 

L.

[masb1x]

To Belle,

Your quote:

“Wow. I've rarely seen such a poor analysis of another person's situation. Probably because there is a personal bias in there somewhere keeping you from reading things correctly.”

 

Sorry Belle, but there is no personal bias or “Bitterness” on my part. Unlike you, I set no negative generalizations on the opposite sex because of a few bad apples.

 

Your quote:

“Until then I trust no man until he proves himself to be honest. “

 

I am simply trying to help Leigh get to the bottom of the situation. I want her to know exactly what “D” is thinking and where he stands on the broken relationship. And what better way is there to do this, then by asking the person himself. I don’t want Leigh wasting all of her time trying to second guess what “D” is thinking like you did with your ex. It’s called the “bottom line factor”.

 

If “D” disrespects Leigh by giving her the cold shoulder or if he refuses to work things out then at least Leigh will know where she stands and can then move on with her life without any regrets. This is called the “reality factor”. As risky as it may be, Leigh stated that she would rather talk with “D” about the situation on a face to face basis. “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

 

Furthermore Belle, a so called “personal biased” opinion may have offended you, but if you were “reading things correctly”; you would have discovered that Leigh was asking for many different opinions (from both the male and female perspective), and this is what I’m giving her.

 

Leigh’s quotes:

“What do you guys think? If he loves me don't you think he'd say…?”

“Would love any thoughts from anyone.”

“Why hasn't he contacted me back? What is he trying…? Would love some advice please...”

 

======================

To Backinlife,

 

Quote-Bakinlife

 

“What kind of a person would she be to have light and nice conv with a guy that dumped her when she was down and depressed, made her move back to her family and doesn't even want to make it good again? It hurts! And if admitting that makes her chances smaller to get him back, well so be it!”

 

First and foremost, “D” didn’t breakup with Leigh, he didn’t kick her out onto the streets of L.A., and he didn’t make her move back to her parents’ home. He simply allowed her to do what she wanted to do. Leave!!!

 

Yes, “D” is being a big hurt sissy by not letting bygones be bygones, but remember that this is the big “unforgiving Jerk” that Leigh wants to, so desperately, go back too. Every woman in this world is guilty of wanting to go back to a “jerk”. And Leigh is no exception.

 

Secondly, I am advising Leigh to look and be her best when she confronts “D” about “working things out”. This will increase her chances for a successful reconciliation. Unfortunately “D” is being hard core, and wants to see that Leigh has her “head together”. As deceiving as this may seem, this is what he’s going to get, (A woman who has it all together, with a pinch of “detachment”.) Remember the adage, “All is fair in love and war”.

 

 

 

====================

To Leigh,

Your quote:

“I've since requested that my father NOT disclose any details about my life to D. He needs to act aloof. It really bothers me that D was able to bypass me altogether to gain information about my life.”

 

This is good, let “D” come to you if he has any detailed questions.

 

What is your dads’ and step mothers take on "D", and what he wants out of the broken relationship?

 

 

Sincerely,

MASB1X

[backinlife]

That is another parallel. I am obsessed with those parlallels. In this new group of students "R" is in now, everybody is breaking up. They making each other feel good about not having a girl and being free and wild. They feel like they are going though their last 2 years of bachelorness. He got a lot of "advice" from them, having beers together and telling each other that serious relationships are for later, and now they have this chance to casual sex and wildness... "R" had had that before, we talked about this in our relationship. He said he was happy enough, but it had been hollow happiness. God, I just went trough his text messages to find the one he wrote on the topic.... and found a lot more.

 

"Hey Mona, I just wanna tell you my love for you is absolute, n no matter how long it takes, u r the only one for me. No way im settling for anything less. So prepare yourself to be completely swamped by love. I love you and just wanna smother you with kisses. Hug u soooo close to me. Love you sooo much, soooo much my darling baby"

 

"Honbun tell me u still love me… Without u I,m so lonly, so many people around me but i only want to me with ur memories. I look at the foto of us hanging n I just can,t control mz longing for ur arms… they r the onlz place I want to be in..Once I have you back im not letting u go again…ever"

 

"I hope so too. But I have faith both of us r meant tob together. U make me complete, n I make u complete. We both need each other equally n love each other equally, I think that's the basis for a strong relationship. So long that we understand the value of what we have n the near impossibility of ever finding it again, we just can't fail. "

 

"U r a gem, n that's why I'm so scared to lose u. Luckily, bcoz I know how precious u r, I'm sure I'll never lose u n will smhow get u back, but I'm feelin so happy 4 what we have, n then suddenly I come crashing down with the fear that I could lose this all. Wish I could get rid of this fear for ever…"

 

That was not a smart thing to do....

 

 

 

 

Exactly the same here. He was embarrassed when i called him when he was out with his new friends.. Earlier he would have been smiling and talked in his soft voice and siad he missed me without thinking about it. When I called him when he was with his new friends he would talk like i am a stalker. The party will be over. Question is, will he then see what he has thrown away, or will he keep protecting himself? Doesn't matter, now that i think of it. Cause you and me know, that's sufficient.

 

 

 

I tried inviting you to Open BC, but it says you have an invite already. For jobs in Europe Open BC is precious, put up a profile there, it works for me. My applications are going out this week too finally.

 

We are doing the right thing. (I hope)

 

Mona

[Belle]

Sorry Belle, but there is no personal bias or "Bitterness" on my part. Unlike you, I set no negative generalizations on the opposite sex because of a few bad apples.

 

Your quote:

"Until then I trust no man until he proves himself to be honest. "

 

 

Nice try. My bias didn't make her ex out to a the bad guy just because he's a guy so try to stay on point. To a certain degree I identify with her ex. Secondly, if you can't take criticism about your advice, you shouldn't be criticizing her in the first place. You were clearly biased. I just like to point it out because vulnerable people take in advice from people who have an agenda and it can be the worst advice and set them up to get hurt worse. It's not personal. but this isn't the time for her to take all of the blame for the breakup and it's pretty counter productive for you to keep trying to beat her up about it.

[masb1x]

Belle

“Nice try. My bias didn't make her ex out to a the bad guy just because he's a guy so try to stay on point. To a certain degree I identify with her ex. Secondly, if you can't take criticism about your advice, you shouldn't be criticizing her in the first place. You were clearly biased. I just like to point it out because vulnerable people take in advice from people who have an agenda and it can be the worst advice and set them up to get hurt worse. It's not personal. but this isn't the time for her to take all of the blame for the breakup and it's pretty counter productive for you to keep trying to beat her up about it.”

 

Sorry Belle, but this thread isn’t about you or me, it’s about Leigh and “D”. So please don’t waste my time or yours arguing about criticisms, agenda’s, biases, etc. Look for solutions, stay on topic, or scoot on.

 

Better yet, I’ll just ignore you like your ex’s, and most of the guys in this forum do.

 

Have a nice day!!!

 

Sincerely,

MASB1X

[nottoogreen]

... I will use the stray cat analogy. ...

It so happens that I see some commonalities.

 

Between leigh and some of the girls in my life. Between myself and D.

 

And between yourself and D.

 

Are you D?

[Belle]

Better yet, I’ll just ignore you like your ex’s, and most of the guys in this forum do.

 

Have a nice day!!!

 

Sincerely,

MASB1X

 

Good lord grow up.

 

The next time I feel it necessary to stop someone from bullying someone else on this board, I'll keep my mouth shut so I don't have to take it from the bully.

[masb1x]

Nottogreen,

 

Quote:

“It so happens that I see some commonalities.

Between leigh and some of the girls in my life. Between myself and D.

And between yourself and D.

Are you D?”

 

LOL,

No, but maybe there is some truth in the saying, “Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus”. Maybe men/women do perceive things in totally different ways.

 

For the most part, I believe that we all (male and female) have more things in common than not.

 

If we haven’t already, we are all definitely looking for that one good person to share the rest of our lives with. Someone we can trust, and depend on when things get tough.

 

However, the first step in accomplishing this task is to avoid the strokers, men/women haters, mercenaries, and the clinically insane basket cases.

 

If people followed this rule, 85% of the problems in this forum would be eliminated.

 

Have a good day!!!

 

Sincerely,

 

MASB1X

[Leigh]

Yikes, what's happened here?

 

I value all the advice that I've been given and I hope everyone that's taken the time to offer their words of wisdom will continue to follow my thread. I don't think anyone wants to feel negativity here... I'm sorry that there seems to be some defensiveness going on, but it doesn't make anybody right or wrong.. just different.

 

Please don't feel badly for the words that have been exchanged here. Your hearts are in the right place guys, so try to forget the differences in opinion...

 

I'm sure nobody meant to say anything hurtful... we're all battling our own struggles... adversity is what helps us to grow and understand others.

 

So keep up the advice guys... it's appreciated more than you know.

[Leigh]

Just got off the phone with my father. It seems the ex has again contacted my dad in search of guidance. This turned into a conversation that spanned over 2 hours and included the ex opening up about struggling with finding his way right now. He is really searching for his path... not career (that he has) but some MEANING to the world in which he lives.

 

I find myself losing the anger I once felt for him and replacing it with sadness that he is feeling so lost. I am lost too... it's sad that we cannot be together to help each other through this period of adjustment, but I guess I'm happy he's got my father to talk to. The ex has always moved around a lot and, as a result, has not got anyone close to him (used to be me) to confide in. I'm trying not to be selfish here... it's difficult that he finds this in my father, but I will not deny him the only person in his life right now that he has to open up to just because this person happens to part of my family. In a way it comforts me that D still feels a bond to my family, even if that means that he no longer needs me to be by his side.

 

So now I'm beginning to see that this break up is bigger than how he feels about me, which helps me to sleep a little easier. I was worried that the ex was trying to find someone else, but now I see he was only trying to find himself. In a way, I'm proud of him for taking this lesson and trying to learn from it. I had always spoken to him about paths and purpose to everything in life... it seems he may now be trying to understand what it was I was saying.

 

For everyone in here that is searching as I am... I am learning not to resist this change. Resistance is only making my pain seem greater, and my energy is being expended trying to fight instead of accept how my life has developed. Today I am beginning to accept it for what it is... put my faith in love and fate... and learn my lessons from this grief.

 

I'm grateful for the peace I'm having... I hope you guys get this same feeling of calm... even if it's only for tonight.

 

L.

[mikeca]

I'm glad your feeling better today leigh, your an inspiration to everyone on here

[Leigh]

That is another parallel. I am obsessed with those parlallels. In this new group of students "R" is in now, everybody is breaking up. They making each other feel good about not having a girl and being free and wild. They feel like they are going though their last 2 years of bachelorness. He got a lot of "advice" from them, having beers together and telling each other that serious relationships are for later, and now they have this chance to casual sex and wildness... "R" had had that before, we talked about this in our relationship. He said he was happy enough, but it had been hollow happiness.

 

Same exact thing. Our relationship was not respected by his friends. As much as we can try to blame the friends though, at the end of the day, our exes are adults and are responsible for their own decisions/mistakes.

 

Exactly the same here. He was embarrassed when i called him when he was out with his new friends.. Earlier he would have been smiling and talked in his soft voice and siad he missed me without thinking about it. When I called him when he was with his new friends he would talk like i am a stalker. The party will be over. Question is, will he then see what he has thrown away, or will he keep protecting himself? Doesn't matter, now that i think of it. Cause you and me know, that's sufficient.

 

It's even worse when you're being disrespected in front of others. Especially people who have zero understanding of how special the bond is between two people in a serious relationship. When the party is over, I'm sure they will see what they've given up... so much of life is about timing. Had we met our exes after this bachelor phase had been over I bet our situations would have turned out very differently.

 

I tried inviting you to Open BC, but it says you have an invite already. For jobs in Europe Open BC is precious, put up a profile there, it works for me. My applications are going out this week too finally.

 

Yes, I received the invite, thank you. I haven't joined yet, but am intending on signing up very soon. I also have an email for you... Congrats on getting some applications out... We ARE doing the right thing.

 

You've been a great source of support for me, Mona... we'll get through this and be stronger in the end.

[Leigh]

I'm glad your feeling better today leigh, your an inspiration to everyone on here

 

Thanks very much for that Mike. I am so thankful for finding this forum. I don't know where I would be without all of the help and support I've received.

[mikeca]

ditto...like I said in a previous post I hope to one day come back after NC and post a success story, and end up a posterboy for NC and this forum.

[backinlife]

Just got off the phone with my father. It seems the ex has again contacted my dad in search of guidance. This turned into a conversation that spanned over 2 hours and included the ex opening up about struggling with finding his way right now. He is really searching for his path... not career (that he has) but some MEANING to the world in which he lives.

 

So now I'm beginning to see that this break up is bigger than how he feels about me, which helps me to sleep a little easier. I was worried that the ex was trying to find someone else, but now I see he was only trying to find himself. In a way, I'm proud of him for taking this lesson and trying to learn from it. I had always spoken to him about paths and purpose to everything in life... it seems he may now be trying to understand what it was I was saying.

 

That is huge! Since you are doing the same, and grow, he must grow too. You wouldn't take him back if he was the same guy who was so mean and also insecure and influenceable. So there is movement necessary on both sides. You are moving, and he is moving. Maybe even in the same direction. Its just depressing that you guys can't do that together. Thats how it should be, being down together and then pulling each other up.

 

But if i look at your situation, it WAS a tough one. You suddenly had this completely different life, different priorities, different style. You were different, cause suddenly the things that came easy in the Caribbean, you had to now fight for and things didn't work out like you thought they would. Back in the Caribbean this maybe wouldn't have thrown you around like that, but in the States it did. This busy and success oriented life style makes it hard if things don't work, and you feel even worse then. You moved there together, so even if "D" did never express it clearly and did not act on it like he should have, your situation put a lot of pressure on him. And he couldn't take this pressure, so he opposed it. When you said you would leave, suggested the break, he felt like a failure. He knew very well that he was the one that should help you trough this, and he didn't manage. Maybe he even thinks he tried hard, but he didn't do what you expected obviously.

 

On "D's" side there was a lot of change too. He had been in the Caribbean for long, it must have been hard for him to come back to LA. He was suddenly confronted with a lot of things, different expectations. And in times like these, when we are trying to find ourselves in a new surrounding, we have strange ideas of who we are and who we want to be. And he had you on your side, and STILL he felt like that. That must have made him wonder, whether you are the right person to be on his side. He was astonished that he can feel that way even though you are there. So he tried to remember the last time he was happy without you. And he did, and this lifestyle is exactly what he took on. He didn't consider that its the situation, and not you, that is making him question himself. This realzation will come when you are truly away and he still feels something is missing. Once he is back to himself and misses you, then he will realize that with you he could be even better. But he has to be back to himself. There is a german saying: "If the se is rough, don't set your sail." Things have to calm down so he can see where he is and where he wants to go.

 

You two were drowning, and struggling and in your struggle none of you was able to help the other one up, cause none of you had a secure stand on the ground. Eventually you both will come back to that.

 

This might take ages, and you might be not around then, that is the sad part. And you might not be able to forgive him for the hurt, and he might not either. I think reconciling would be a very hard exercise after the magnitude of the decisions taken and the hurt it caused. But love is big. And the anger might decrease faster than the love.

 

Right now "D" makes you responsible for everything that happens right now. He choses to think that you are the source of his pain. His feeling lost, his struggle, everything. He will understand one day that you were only you and why you did what you did. He will understand that you acted like this "in love" and not "without love". And if he realizes that, you can maybe see the same.

 

I find myself losing the anger I once felt for him and replacing it with sadness that he is feeling so lost. I am lost too... it's sad that we cannot be together to help each other through this period of adjustment

 

It makes no obvious sense to us. But I rely on fate. Maybe this is something you are supposed to do apart. Maybe it is a big mistake...Its sad anyway

 

For everyone in here that is searching as I am... I am learning not to resist this change. Resistance is only making my pain seem greater, and my energy is being expended trying to fight instead of accept how my life has developed. Today I am beginning to accept it for what it is... put my faith in love and fate... and learn my lessons from this grief.

 

I'm grateful for the peace I'm having... I hope you guys get this same feeling of calm... even if it's only for tonight.

 

Those are powerful words and you are brave. You must have been a wonderful person to love that strong and now that you are growing even more, you will come out of this even bigger. Sometimes i get this feeling of calm and peace already, mostly in the evenings. Whenever I crash again, I have to remind myself a million times that this is where i want to be. But sometimes it just hurts and i want to stomp my feet like a little girl and hate him for what he has destroyed. And i know he feels the same sometimes. We are united in this quest, even if we see it differently right now, even if we look at different things right now, the quest is our bond. And i am sure that goes for you and "D" too. And if there is love, then it can't be rationalized away, it can't be neglected or twisted. If it is there, then it will find its way to the surface again, I am sure. The waters are rough now, we need to wait it out, risking that we will find we have floated apart.

 

This water and sailing analogy got a little out of control.... But it is early morning and i get all sentimental. Maybe its a sign and i should go to the pool?

 

Hope you feel good today, don't be scared, we are good and need to rely that good people can see it.

 

Mona