is it me?

[jewel76]

Okay, so the guy I'm dating is 24 and I'll be 30 in a few months. Didn't think 6 years would be that much of an age/mentality gap but it's seeming more and more to be an issue as we move forward together.

 

We've only known each other for about two months and we've already decided to jump into living together (he was my upstairs neighbor so he was always at my place all the time anyway - moving in seemed natrual). We love each other to death but he seems to have this problem that's really been bothering me...he seems to lack integrity. He always says he's going to do things and then never follows through with them - and it's getting kind of rediculous.

 

For example, he works for a company that his step dad owns and he is always telling me that he has an early morning "meeting" yet somehow I am always leaving for work at 8 as he lays in bed sleeping away. Every time I ask him about it, like, "why did you say you were going to go and then not go" he gets really defensive and says that I just don't understand the nature of his work and that everyone at his work is okay with how he is so I should be too. Is he just being really immature, or am I being a nagging b*$ch? He told me last night that the first couple of weeks that we hung out, he didn't think that I would be the "kind of person" to give him a hard time about his work. I don't want to give him a hard time, I just want him to be a man of his word which, so far, I have yet to see. He also says that it is too soon to judge him on things like that. Is he right? Am I completely out of line? It just seems to me that he is always complaining and that he has an excuse for everything. He calls it "over-comitting" I call it, "not following through". Does this even make sense?

 

He admits that he is not the best communicator too, so I spent some money at Borders last weekend on books that I thought might help us understand each other better; "The Five Love Languages" and a few others along those same lines. I let him know the night I brought them home how important I think it for us to address this and it seemed torturous to him to even entertain the thought of us reading them together. They've been sitting on the nightstand collecting dust ever since, there is no intrest on his part to fix this whatsoever. Please help, am I driving him away? Am I being rediculous?

[smsu06]

No you are not being ridiculous, and I think motivation is the big thing he is missing. Other than sleeping what is he most interested in or what does he enjoys doing?

[DN]

If he step-dad/employer is OK with the way he does his job, why should it be an issue for you to be concerned about?

 

Lack of integrity is a pretty harsh thing to say about someone with whom you are having a relationship. Are there other examples of that sort of behaviour that are about the way he treats you and not about his job?

[jewel76]

Well, he just recently got interested in myspace so he spends alot of time there, he loves cars and racing and loud stereo systems. All he ever talks about is how someday he's going to drive a Bentley or a Ferrari and thinks that's when he'll know that he has "succeeded in life".

 

I think you are right about the low motivation thing - it seems like he is kind of spoiled by his step dad with the business becuase he gets away with things that people would normally never get away with at work - if they were'nt being "favored" by a family member. That's all good and great but I just don't want a boyfriend who can't even follow through with what he says he's going to do. If he does it at work he'll no doubt do it in his personal life too - and to me that's a red flag.

 

Also, we went to the grocery store this weekend and the damage came to $90. He said for me to go ahead and put it on my card and he would transfer $45 for half to my account when we got home. That was Sunday - still no money. I haven't said anything to him because I just want to see how long it will go. I'm sure he's already forgotten all about it and it will just get swept under the rug.

[smsu06]

it seems like he is kind of spoiled by his step dad with the business

 

Is his job the only area in his life where he is spoiled, or does he expect to be treated that way in all/most situations?

[REDIRECT43]

Um hello, why are you complaining? He's 24!!! Maybe 20 or 30 years ago he would have been considered a man, but now a days, guys that age are just that; guys. They haven't become men yet. IF it's this early on in the relationship that you complaining, think about down the road when you are still with him and still paying for groceries! Either turn on your b*tch switch and train him or get out and find someone more mature.

[jewel76]

That's just the thing...he always expects everyone to make exceptions for him and his needs. When it comes to my needs, he tells me I am being "unreasonable". My last few boyfriends must have really catered to me because I feel like I am constantly the one adjusting to this guy's needs.

 

I mean, he moved into my apartment with his cat right? Well we have one small bathroom and the cat likes to sleep in the sink. The other night we were watching TV, he started petting Bentley (the cat) and there were were water droplets on him. "D" (my boyfriend) got mad at me and said that he doesn't want water on the cat to which I responded, "Well, I don't want a cat in my sink". Things just went to hell from there. In the end, I ended up giving in and agreeing to walk to the kitchen to wash my hands since his cat likes to lay in the bathroom sink and he doesn't want him wet. Urgh. I'm not used to this.

[jewel76]

Either turn on your b*tch switch and train him or get out and find someone more mature.

 

Heh, that is a great line! I will definitely consider it, thanks

[jewel76]

I guess the problem is that I really love him alot and it would be really hard for me to just call it quits like that. I really felt from the beginning like he could've been the one for me - like he was sort of a "gift" in my life. I do love so many other things about him, I just hope this doesn't get in the way and make me think less of him...which it kind of already has. What I really want to know is if I should look inward because of these feelings, or if it is him that needs to change.

[smsu06]

It sounds like you either have to give in on every argument or continue a huge fight since he won’t back down. Unless you like accommodating everything for him without him comprising, I don't see how you can be happy long-term.

[jewel76]

Well, I keep thinking that I should just give him a couple of years to grow up - I mean, I kind of understand the way he is becuase I was there once, I acted like that when I was 24. I have flashbacks of people in my life who I thought were being "stupid" back then when really they were just more mature than I was. I keep thinking he will see this eventually like I did, and I like him enough to stick through it...I think.

[jewel76]

To make matters worse, my ex still wants to get back together and every time I seem to be having trouble with a new boyfriend, I start missing him again. Somehow I feel like talking to him is justified if the person I'm with is being unreasonable, which now, "D" is being. This sucks. Any words of wisdom or insight would be very much appreciated, I feel sort of lost in all this. Thanks...

[smsu06]

It seems like you have a lot to think about in your current situation. However, I do believe you need to start communicating your problems with your current boyfriend. It seems like you are too nervous of being too critical to solve the underlying problems of your relationship. You should solve these problems with your boyfriend if you want it to work out.

 

I would suggest on having more of a collaborating approach to solving these problems. Try and let him pinpoint what is causing the problems and how both of you can try and fix it. If you just go and tell him what he is doing wrong all the time, he might resent you and a fight will be close behind.

[RayKay]

To make matters worse, my ex still wants to get back together and every time I seem to be having trouble with a new boyfriend, I start missing him again. Somehow I feel like talking to him is justified if the person I'm with is being unreasonable, which now, "D" is being. This sucks. Any words of wisdom or insight would be very much appreciated, I feel sort of lost in all this. Thanks...

 

 

That would of been good to know in the first post too.

 

My opinion? You moved really fast with this guy, maybe to make up for a bit of the void you have from your past relationship. Just because he lived upstairs or it made sense to move in together does not mean you were ready to move in. It sounds like you are going through the adjustment of living together and truly learning more about one another that you would not of known that first two months of dating.

 

Sounds to me you are just in different mindsets in your lives right now.

 

It may be you have some big differences in your compatibility, or it may mean they are differences you can accept and work with. I am not sure he lacks integrity if he does not do what YOU would do in his position, though it sounds like maybe he is spoiled maybe or takes for things for granted.

 

It all comes down to what you want and expect in a partner. If he is not it, you have to decide whether it's worth staying together, because you can't really expect him to change unless he himself chooses too. He may "outgrow it"...or he may not, in other words.

[smsu06]

I agree with RayKay on this one. You need to find out if these problems are fixable or not. If they are fixable, both of you need to work together on them. If the problems are not fixable, well then you two might not be compatible.

[jewel76]

I don't know if they're fixable, it kind of depends on wether or not he is willing to help fix them...

[flower99]

I don't know if they're fixable, it kind of depends on wether or not he is willing to help fix them...

 

You are absolutely right!!! But the thing is these flaws in his character bug you more than they bother him. Chances are you will get sick of it long before he will.

I dated a man for 2 years who always said he would do things and never did. I did the same as you buy books, encourage him, attempt to motivate him....ect...eventually i got sick of trying to "train" him. It drove me crazy I felt like his mother & he felt like I was nagging him.

Maybe you do need a more responsible man, a man that you can depend on, that's on the same wave length as you. A man of his word. (someone you don't have to try to change)

oh and great choice of books. I hear AWESOME things about that book. He's missing out

[smsu06]

If he is not willing to work out the problems with you, than both of you would not be collaborating and the scenario stated in flower99 post would most surely happen. Once you know if the problems are fixable or not, then you will know what you need to do next.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I appears you both moved too fast by moving in with one another. You have only known him intimately for only a few months. Moving in together because it seemed "natural" does not make sense in that case. It does not matter if you live in the same house but different floors, it is the personal space that is important. You two did not really "date" and really get to know each other as individuals. As the honeymoon stage wears off...that is when the rose colored glasses come off. And when that happens...you NEED that personal space to retreat to.

 

You are wanting him to be someone he is not. He has always been this way but because you both moved fast, you did not realize it until he was living with you. I do not think this has to do with integrity, it has to deal with someone whom cannot keep up with obligations.

 

I also feel your compatibilties are lacking. He is laid back, bit spoiled, younger, expects people to be accomidating, bad with money (BE VERY CAREFUL WITH THIS!!!!!!) He has to be willing to meet you half way on matters, if not, it can get very exhausting.

[JustNormal]

You should have done a background check on him before he moved in. If the nature of his work allows him to sleep in, then what work would that be exactly? Hmm.. I don't think this is a maturity issue. It may be something else.

[Momene]

I don't think it's him being 24 that's the problem. I wasn't like that at 24, he sounds more like an 18 year old to me. It could be that you're fulfilling his older woman fantasy and he's not looking for a meeting of equals.

[jewel76]

Hi JustNormal, thanks for your reply

 

I knew he was basically a good guy (harmless anyway) when he moved in because I had already met his mom and step dad (he is quite the little mama's boy) and they are all very nice people. He's got a really good heart and alot of love to give, he just doens't have alot of life experience.

 

His family owns a Commercial Cleaning company where he is employed to handle sales (mostly soliciting). Right now he's learning all the in's and out's of the business so that he can possibly take it over one day...so he goes on some "carpet cleaning jobs" that get sold and scheduled as "special services". He's pretty conservative when it comes to sex and stuff like that so I doubt he's going out and doing anything like that. That's one of the things that stood out to me when I first met him...he seemed very "innocent" in that respect.

 

As far as sleeping in, it's because all he has to do is call his work in the morning and make up some lame excuse like he was up late or his back hurts (I've heard him do it tons of times) and everyone at his work seems to buy it and not hold him to any of his commitments!!! I am truly amazed by this because I've never seen anyone get away with this before in my adult life. People are usually held to a standard of at least showing up to work in order to keep their job -- this is why I think it just extreme favoritism. He says that, because he sold some big accounts this year, he is very valuable to the company and his step dad is always telling him how proud he is of his progress. Who the hell knows. I guess maybe for some people, the real world never has to rear it's ugly head. Lucky them.

 

Sorry -- that sounded very bitter...I think I need a cup of coffee.

[jewel76]

Maybe you do need a more responsible man, a man that you can depend on, that's on the same wave length as you. A man of his word. (someone you don't have to try to change)

 

This is absolutely right. My ex-boyfriend definitely had these qualities, I guess I just took them for granted and never realized how important they really are to me.

[jewel76]

Hi Momene, thanks for your reply

 

He does act more like he's 18 for sure. I always just figured it was because he was so spoiled. He's so coddled by his mom that every time we get into an argument, he calls her up and asks if he can move his stuff into her house. Of course he always ends up telling me that he really doesn't want to leave once things calm down. I just think that he does not fully appreciate or understnad what it means to be in a mature relationship. It takes alot of giving and alot of work - on both sides. He just wants everything to go his way or he'll have nothing to do with it.

 

I don't know about the fantasy...there could be some truth to that I suppose. I don't like to think of myself as an "older woman" though ;-) (yeah...having some issues with the big 3-0)

[RayKay]

I will have to say, that I think you may be in for a rough road if that is his reaction to every argument.

 

I think a lot of women (and men too) tend to "excuse" these kind of behaviours as them fully appreciating or understanding what it "takes". I think at some point you have to decide whether that is really acceptable in the end. You should not have to "mother" him in order to have a healthy, balanced relationship. And given you have only been together a couple months, it concerns me that these issues are glaring up already.

 

One of my bf's friends was dating a man very similar to your bf, only he was in his 30's. She just ended it after a year, as he was quite happy "never really growing up" and being coddled.

 

 

 

That to me is a pretty darn big red flag, I have been involved with men like that, and it really sucks your strength and confidence. A relationship really needs compromise and mutual decision making. If it's all one persons way, well, you don't exactly feel fulfilled in the end.