Here's my story

[laurag]

First, let me introduce myself, my name is Laura and I am 34 years old. I work 2 jobs (one full time and one part time) trying to keep myself busy. Four years ago, I was going out with this guy, who sadly passed away. He drowned tragically. It took me about a year to get over it and to look at it as not so much God being cruel but to accept it. It seems like now that part of Dinarte being in my life never really existed.

Well, about a year after I met a guy who I get teary eyed just thinking about. I started working at a hotel in my town and he would come in every few months for conferences. The first time he ever came to stay at the hotel was actually my very first day of work (I'll list all the coincidental things between the two of us at the end). He would flirt with me constantly asking me out all the time he was here I would always turn him down as here's the clincher, he's married. So, I stood strong and as much as I wanted to get to know him and spend time with him I saw it for what it was and could not.

We would constantly talk, joke around and yes, flirt, he more so with me than me with him. I would play hard to get and it wasn't so much as playing but more not wanting to get hurt. On oe of his last visits here in July 2004, he gave me his number and we went out. I have to tell you too that I absolutely love his friends. They make me feel like I belong with their "group" and just make me feel so welcomed. Does that make sense? Anyway, the night we went out we hooked up , we didn't have sex but we were very close and if he did not pass out it probably would have lead to that. It's not something I have ever done before or something I agree with but as they say you can't help who you fall in love with. The next morning after we got together he called me which shocked me. It was nice to get that call because I didn't expect it.

I emailed him twice after he left once for him to give information to one of his friends for an airline flight he needed and the next time just to say hi. I hadn't seen him after this until this past March 2006. His group did not have any conferences last year at the hotel, well, they had one but he did not attend. This March when he came in I was so scared to see him because I did not know how he would react to me. I found out that he had asked about me as soon as he checked in , plus as soon as he saw me he came right over to talk to me, his friends told me he was here also. He called me a couple of times that night from his room for just chit chat. There was no real flirting this time but it was more emotional. They had no free time when they were here and spent most of it in meetings. The day they were leaving though we spoke the most, Matt was coming down the stairs at the hotel and stared at me and smiled while he was walking in the lobby. After breakfast that day, he was in the middle of the lobby and came up to me, smiling and laughing, with two things he needed. The conversation was playful as always.

Well, on to last month. Last month, one of the managers emailed him and asked him for some help with something we need that we are putting together at work (patches for a shadow box). Well, to my surprise, he called me, now he had her direct phone number, her email address but yet he called me at the front desk. It shocked me. I was on cloud 9 all week. We got the business part of the conversation out of the way in about 2 minutes but yet we talked for about 5 more and then he got interrupted and told me he would call me back and he did. I was shocked , we talked for about 10 more minutes and there was more personal questions involved, he asked me where I lived, he told me when he retired he would come work with me and hang out with me (he's in the military), he also always tells me to be good. There's more that was said but those are most of the main things. Now, on to the part where I feel like I screwed up . Memorial Day weekend my family was visiting from Tennessee. We went to a local restaurant for breakfast and lo and behold I ran into Matt. My heart was racing, the last thing I ever wanted was to run in to him with his family anywhere. (He just moved here last year from another state). Well, when he saw me he came right up to me (yes, he came up to me alone), we talked but I was a wreck. I was so worried about having to see his wife and meeting her that I did not know what to say. I was distant and I know I was. I had told him he could wait until July to bring me the patches we needed and when I told him that his mouth literally dropped open. (He was thinking of coming before). I told him to come whenever and it didn't matter. ( I was just scared). We talked for a few minutes realized we were both headed to the same city when we left the restaurant and as much as I wanted to shake my head with the coincidence of that I just couldn't. I was scared. As we said goodbye, he shook my hand and I placed my free hand on top of both of ours and said , " I really dont' want to meet your wife." I then walked away and he just stood there and then said, "Oh, yeah, no" and then laughed in a no kidding kind of laugh. I was dumbstruck and after I said I regretted it because I felt out of line. I said what I was feeling though but I was sorry I said anything.

I then talked to a male friend of mine and he made me feel like I did so much wrong by that comment and that I sounded like I was going to tell his wife about what went on with him and I. I never,ever meant that so I felt like I had to explain myself to Matt , well, Paul (my friend) told me I did and that I probably ruined everything so I better clear it up. I then emailed Matt and told him I wanted to clear the air with our conversation and that my comment could have been taken a few different ways but it was never meant to be harmful it was just something I would never be comfortable with. I also told him it was nice to see him and that if I appreared distant it was because I was uncomfortable with the setting and caught off guard. I also wrote about the patches and told him we could wait or we could get them earlier whatever was best for him.

I just feel like I screwed things up with someone I feel is my soulmate. Here's the connections with us-

1) He is from the same city as my boyfriend who passed away (1 1/2 hrs from here)

2) We like the same things, agree on everything

3) He has moved here from 3 states away and now working 30 minutes from me and living 25 minutes away

4) I started working at the hotel the first day he ever stayed there

I know there is more but there are too many to list. I have to head to work but if anyone can tell me what to do from here. I feel like I screwed up, he will be back in July but I am terrified he will ignore me. He never has before but I never feel like I messed up like this either.

[novaseeker]

I just feel like I screwed things up with someone I feel is my soulmate.

 

Hi Laura.

 

I don't think you screwed up by making that comment. It was really what you were thinking and feeling at the time, and it was a very awkward position for you indeed. I would not beat myself up over that if I were you.

 

However, as to the following:

 

Here's the connections with us-

1) He is from the same city as my boyfriend who passed away (1 1/2 hrs from here)

 

An interesting coincidence, but really irrelevant. It's easy to put stock in strange coincidences like this, but they really are meaningless and have no impact on relationships.

 

2) We like the same things, agree on everything

 

Important, but the most important thing you don't have in common: you're not both single.

 

3) He has moved here from 3 states away and now working 30 minutes from me and living 25 minutes away

 

A big risk for you, because it means you are more likely to get sucked into a relationship with a married guy, now that he is living closeby.

 

4) I started working at the hotel the first day he ever stayed there

 

This is the same as "1". It's not relevant, even though it's tempting to put stock in these kinds of coincidences.

 

The worst thing you could do is to pursue a relationship with this guy, because he is married. Most of the time, these things just don't work out and you will be hurt by that. I would recommend trying to keep your distance from him and moving on with other things in your life, and not giving in to having a relationship with a married guy. Yes, one can fall in love with someone who happens to be married, but the end result is usually bad.

[Holiday]

I can appreciate the sweet interaction the two of you have shared. But the coincidences are not divine in my opinion. Coincidence deserves little applause when free will is involved and ... I just don't want you to get hurt or for his wife. When I hear women talking about how much they love this married man, I feel sorry for the other woman and feel like women in general have to look out for each other by not being a party to this type of behavior. I'm sorry I feel this way. I hope you understand that I know what you're going through more than you probably want to hear about.

[friscodj]

OK, here's my piece...

 

First off, let's take a step back and look at the big picture here. Pretty woman works at hotel, man travels on business to this hotel, a married man no less, and sweeps you off your feet. If this doesn't remind me of the line "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" I don't know what does. You are this guys backdoor woman! He is taken! What steps is he taking to get out of his marriage? And he is in the military, which means, it isn't always his choice to move where he would like.

 

Now, you talk about soulmates. Let me spell it out to you like this: do you want to be with a guy who cheats on his wife? No matter who the wife is? What makes you think he won't do the same to you? What does that say about him, his character? And what does this say about you for interfering in his marriage like this?

 

I think you are holding onto an fairy tale illusion here with this situation. What do you think will come of this? He will suddenly leave his wife, profess his undying love for you, after which you guys live happily ever after?

[chai714]

You can certainly help who you "fall in love with." Anyone would agree that participating in relations with a married man is foolish.

 

Every detail you provided about chemistry between you two and the relations is void. He's married, really nothing further should be discussed.

 

It's fun to fantasize but you already know you've set yourself up for heartbreak.

[Derek]

"you can't help who you fall in love with"

 

is a load of hooeee.

 

Of course you can. Maybe you can't help who you might crush on, but it's another matter to act on it, to change feelings into actions.

 

Everyday when we "feel" like having a chocolate bar and we decide to not act on our feelings we make a choice to live better than an animal. It's really that easy and yet that hard to do.

 

Suck it up and give up on married guys.

 

 

[laurag]

I've never been one to be stuck on married guys. I just feel like there is a connection between us. Am I really that foolish?

[laurag]

I don't mind hearing anything.

[laurag]

The end result is usually bad. YOu are right and I feel like I am destined for heartache. I know it doesn't matter but did I ruin things , even our friendship by what I said to him about not wanting to meet his wife and then by emailing him.

[chai714]

In short, no, your "friendship" (notice the quotations) isn't in jeopardy. Did you think he expected you to accept a dinner invite with his wife and kids? I certainly hope not. So no your "friendship" is not ruined.

 

Laura - what do you want from this man? Do you want to marry him one day? Do you just like the company? What is so appealing? Is it the "forbidden" factor? You don't have to answer, I was just curious.

[novaseeker]

The end result is usually bad. YOu are right and I feel like I am destined for heartache. I know it doesn't matter but did I ruin things , even our friendship by what I said to him about not wanting to meet his wife and then by emailing him.

 

I wouldn't get hung up on that. All you did was speak what you were feeling, after all, which is generally the way to go.

[friscodj]

Am I really that foolish?

 

I really believe you are...

[friscodj]

Look, you're trying to be too "nice" and tip-toe around this, worrying about breaking a magical connection, ruining a friendship, losing the love of your life, etc.

 

Look at it like this: you guys had what you had and now it's time to move onto bigger and better things.

 

There's no shame in that at all...

[laurag]

I'm just wondering that if things do not work out with his marriage and I say do not. I don't say I would interfere but if down the line he is available is it wrong to want that. Am I wrong to think that he may have been interested?

 

I hear what you are saying, Frisco but it's hard to move on. I've let him go before but when he came back and told me he now lived 25 minutes away how could I not think outside the box. I know what you are going to say next, he is married, yep, he is, isn't he.

[laurag]

I'm just worried that if what I said to him ruined things and by my sending the email. I'm terrified to see him in July.