Trying to let go....

[lettinggo]

I can't seem to let go of my ex girlfriend.

 

ALittle background first. We dated for 3 years and had a fantastic relationship...in that we could laugh together, be serious together, party together...or spend a quiet evening together. We were completely comfortable with each other in every way and also had a great sex life. Even though she is chinese and I'm white, we just had so much in common

. We both had outgoing positive personalities and had so much fun together. Not afraid of looking silly in public. I smile when I think of what we had.

 

What went wrong? I know hindsight is 20/20...but I blame myself. Towards the end of our relationship, I became very depressed about life. About my relationship with my father which was never good. About my career. Now I am a very positive person...so this was a new heavy feeling. My girlfriend and I could talk about anything...but I kept my sadness from her...and everyone around me. To everyone, I was still a happy go lucky kind of guy. But the truth is, I wasn't and now looking back...you can't hide stuff like that from someone you are so close to...who knows you so well.

 

The sad thing is that she was so supportive of me. Looking back now, I wish I could go back and do it all over again. Tell her why I was sad. I lok at what I was sad about now, and it seems so stupid. We were so good together, I hate myself for keeping things bottled up back then. I pushed her away without even knowing it.

 

We kept in touch briefly the first 2 years...but you know how it is when a couple splits. Its hard to get back to where you were. I took this time apart to work on myself and my feelings about my father, and my career. I was feeling great again. I had made my peace with my father before he passed away. I changed my career, my body and mind. I never felt better.

 

Thats when we started talking again....first on the phone and then the internet. She was single...and I was single. We were both working hard. I was beginning to feel good about meeting her again. Perhaps we had a second chance. I missed her so much.

 

In the past, I lost love...like anyone. It was always sad, but I got over it. All thru my 20s, I always had a girlfriend. I might go thru a period alone...but it wasn't long before I met someone else. I feel lucky, because I've never really had a bad relationship...and can honestly say I've truly been in love...deep real love twice in my life.

 

But this time was different. She was definitely the love of my life. The first woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It had been 2 years since we broke up, and I had not been with one woman since then. WHich is huge for me...and a testement to the way I felt about her. I'm a goodlooking, successful guy...but I never hooked up with anyone else.

 

I enjoyed my time away...to strengthen myself...but I missed her terribly. I've never felt so comfortable with a woman on every level. I know she thought about me too, because she was calling me alot. We were about to get together, and then 9/11 happened. We live here in NYC.

 

Many months passed, and then when we got talking again, I found out she had a boyfriend. This was hard for me. On the one hand, alot of time had passed since we broke up....but on the other...I still had feelings for her. Trying to be her friend was tough. But she also called me alot. Sometimes I got the feeling that she wasn't sure about the guy. Or maybe she just needed me as a friend. But she called me alot just to say hi. But when I asked if she was happy, she said yes...so I didn't push the question.

 

Its been a year now since shes been dating him and they plan to marry. We still haven't met. Even though we've talked over the phone and the internet for 4 years now since we split....we still haven't met.

 

I want to meet her. I think its important for me to see her...as a friend...so that I can let go of her in my heart and mind. But its so hard. letting go...of this woman I was so in love with. It drives me crazy sometimes...all the what ifs? And if onlys? I shoulda. coulda. woulda.

 

I know its pointless to punish myself. I want her to be happy. But mostly I want to let go, so I can truly move on. This is the first REGRET i ever have in my life...and I still secretly dream of us getting back together...even though I know this is probably not going to happen. I am so torn. It hursts so much and I wish I could turn back time.

 

Please help me to try to let go of this woman who I was so in love with.

[smiles314]

Hey.. So you kind of ended ur relationship out of the blue for no reason that had to do with your ex gf? Did you ignore your feelings of regret? Or did you try to get her back in the beginning? Did you slip away from friends too? or just her because you 2 were soo close? Sorry for the ques. Just curious....

[lytung]

Hey lettinggo, this is pretty strange...i was feeling the same way you did..but the situation is the opposite...i am a chinese girl, and my ex was the white guy. I felt the same way about my ex the way you do...that he was perfect for me, and that we could do anything together and couldn't find someone else better than him. I broke up a year ago with my ex and i am still having trouble letting go...although i recently started dating someone else, i still dont feel the same about him compared to my ex. But i am trying to stop comparing to my ex to other people because everyone is made differently. I think once you start dating someone else and stop comparing everyone to her you will feel better. I do believe in that there is one or two loves in your life that you'll never forget but they might not be the ones you end up being with and that's just life....but think about it this way, there was a reason that you guys split up, and even though you feel now that you did the wrong thing, it was still a good reason you did what you did....because it was the best decision you could make in that time under that situation. Many times we dont make the best decisions in life, but the only thing we can do is learn from it and move on....because regretting wont make your life easier or help you move on...you have to forgive yourself that you made the wrong decision and start finding a new love! Hope this helps, and good luck!

[cakes]

Hi...

 

I couldn't help but reply to your story- it's heartbreaking. Here's the thing buddy. I'm a real positive person when it comes to relationships and I honestly think there is always worth it to give things a try but you must keep in mind the current situations and the consequences.

 

Like I am so in love with my bf i've been with for 2 years and I could never dream of parting from him. I understand what you did, it was for good reason, and it was the best thing you could have done and good came from it in that you changed yourself as a person and learnt things about yourself that made you stronger. If you had not done what you had did at the time you would have went on miserable not having resolved your situation w/ your dad and your relationship would have suffered more. But listen to me, now that is all done and that you have figured out life and yourself a bit more..you now where you are going and have stable life...don't be afraid to make the attempt to just lose this girl for the rest of your life....I am so sure that you think about her just as much as she thinks of you....I know she has a bf but I wouldn't want either of you to go living apart not knowing for certain that you both dont want ot be with eachother..you have to find that out for youself or you might just regret it for the rest of your life...don't let special things go like that...and when you find out for certain the answer...atleast you're mentally prepared and ready and more so, you're more READY to heal...but first you need to know....so do yourself a favour...don't let those feelings run dry until u're sure... good luck!! You dont find true love often..when you do, the goal's to keep it!