I can't seem to let go of my ex girlfriend.
ALittle background first. We dated for 3 years and had a fantastic relationship...in that we could laugh together, be serious together, party together...or spend a quiet evening together. We were completely comfortable with each other in every way and also had a great sex life. Even though she is chinese and I'm white, we just had so much in common
. We both had outgoing positive personalities and had so much fun together. Not afraid of looking silly in public. I smile when I think of what we had.
What went wrong? I know hindsight is 20/20...but I blame myself. Towards the end of our relationship, I became very depressed about life. About my relationship with my father which was never good. About my career. Now I am a very positive person...so this was a new heavy feeling. My girlfriend and I could talk about anything...but I kept my sadness from her...and everyone around me. To everyone, I was still a happy go lucky kind of guy. But the truth is, I wasn't and now looking back...you can't hide stuff like that from someone you are so close to...who knows you so well.
The sad thing is that she was so supportive of me. Looking back now, I wish I could go back and do it all over again. Tell her why I was sad. I lok at what I was sad about now, and it seems so stupid. We were so good together, I hate myself for keeping things bottled up back then. I pushed her away without even knowing it.
We kept in touch briefly the first 2 years...but you know how it is when a couple splits. Its hard to get back to where you were. I took this time apart to work on myself and my feelings about my father, and my career. I was feeling great again. I had made my peace with my father before he passed away. I changed my career, my body and mind. I never felt better.
Thats when we started talking again....first on the phone and then the internet. She was single...and I was single. We were both working hard. I was beginning to feel good about meeting her again. Perhaps we had a second chance. I missed her so much.
In the past, I lost love...like anyone. It was always sad, but I got over it. All thru my 20s, I always had a girlfriend. I might go thru a period alone...but it wasn't long before I met someone else. I feel lucky, because I've never really had a bad relationship...and can honestly say I've truly been in love...deep real love twice in my life.
But this time was different. She was definitely the love of my life. The first woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It had been 2 years since we broke up, and I had not been with one woman since then. WHich is huge for me...and a testement to the way I felt about her. I'm a goodlooking, successful guy...but I never hooked up with anyone else.
I enjoyed my time away...to strengthen myself...but I missed her terribly. I've never felt so comfortable with a woman on every level. I know she thought about me too, because she was calling me alot. We were about to get together, and then 9/11 happened. We live here in NYC.
Many months passed, and then when we got talking again, I found out she had a boyfriend. This was hard for me. On the one hand, alot of time had passed since we broke up....but on the other...I still had feelings for her. Trying to be her friend was tough. But she also called me alot. Sometimes I got the feeling that she wasn't sure about the guy. Or maybe she just needed me as a friend. But she called me alot just to say hi. But when I asked if she was happy, she said yes...so I didn't push the question.
Its been a year now since shes been dating him and they plan to marry. We still haven't met. Even though we've talked over the phone and the internet for 4 years now since we split....we still haven't met.
I want to meet her. I think its important for me to see her...as a friend...so that I can let go of her in my heart and mind. But its so hard. letting go...of this woman I was so in love with. It drives me crazy sometimes...all the what ifs? And if onlys? I shoulda. coulda. woulda.
I know its pointless to punish myself. I want her to be happy. But mostly I want to let go, so I can truly move on. This is the first REGRET i ever have in my life...and I still secretly dream of us getting back together...even though I know this is probably not going to happen. I am so torn. It hursts so much and I wish I could turn back time.
Please help me to try to let go of this woman who I was so in love with.
