Coming out to society

[James005]

Not sure if this fits into gay topics or if its off topic, Im sure admin will figure that out.

 

Anyway, I was never a huge fan of going out asking for help. To me I see it as though I am weak and not capable. Regardless I am still going ahead with this topic. I am beginning to realize that coming out to immediate familly is not nearly enough in the area of coming out. Whether or not we want to admit, we value our famillies comments. It only makes sense after all seeing that they are around number 3 on Maslow's heirarchy of belonging. Reglardless I am finding it difficult coming out to society. I find it hard to wear my various gay pride objects such as my prized and butch rainbow dog tags. I want people to know who I am and I want to be comfortable talking about who I am but at the same time want to avoid any unnecessary hate/anger. The other day I was walking and it dawned on me, many people in society see me as different. How is it that I am different? I ask myself this but can never come to a conclusion. I work to pay my rent, groceries and other bills, I breathe the same air as everyone else, I wake up and watch the same TV shows as other people do. I go to the beach on a hot day. Yet I am so different because I love someone who is the same gender as I am. But that in itself is like some plague. How am I a plague; the Spanish flu killed thousands, I haven't, SARS has ended lives and jobs, I haven't. But I am still a plague to society. I don't go around destroying marriage, but apparently that is my whole intention for being gay- says society.

So, if society is incorrect, why should I be so worried about teling them who I am?

It's sad how I don't stand up against ignorance to my sexuality yet when someone calls me and Ambulance driver instead of a Paramedic, I'm there correcting them at a moments notice.

If society is so ignorant towards me why am I so tolerant of it? everytime I deny who I am to society, every time I lie about who I am I lose a piece, day after day each piece, although small, adds up. How many more pieces of me must I lose before I finally SNAP. Thats how I came out to myself, I just got so sick and tired of denying who I was that I finally admitted it.

Perhaps this will be the same for coming out to society.

I picked up a shirt the other day at a pride store in Toronto, several hundred miles from where I live. The shirt says "I wont assume you are gay if you don't assume I'm straight"

I would love some advice from people who have been in this situation before. Some tips from the pro's would be of great help!!

 

James

[nicorette]

i cant relate as im not gay. however i have a gay cousin, i know a few other gay people and they have came out. my gay cousins father is a "macho guy" hes a cop and just you would never think hed have a gay son. his son came out to him and while it was hard for him at first he accepted it. i think now society is more coming out with this. dont put up with crap and people who bring you down. just shut them outta your life if possible. i wish i coudl give you more advice but i dont have much experience in this department. sorry, and good luck.

[blueangel]

Your sexuality shouldn't be something to have to TELL. It should be something that you simply don't DENY when the question comes up. You are adding your own shame to your heart by acting like it IS a big deal and a scary deal. Just let the chips fall where they may. Sometimes the truth handles itself. You just have to LET that door open. It's not all about a grand "coming out." There's more fearlessness expressed in subtleness when YOU don't stress over it so much. It shows confidence when you just start... well, not exactly BEING it since you already are... but by letting yourself BE it outwardly. That way- no secrets and self road block to overcome.

[nicorette]

Your sexuality shouldn't be something to have to TELL. It should be something that you simply don't DENY when the question comes up.

 

i do agree with this. however in some situations its best to just come out. as in if your parents are always "why dont you have a gf i want grandkids" type of thing.

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Your sexuality shouldn't be something to have to TELL. It should be something that you simply don't DENY when the question comes up.

I concur. I am not gay as well sorry, but I have a few close gay friends. None of them ever told me that they were gay, I sort of figured out since their closet door was WIDE open (flaming, in other words ) and just one day, one of my best friends simply said he was going out, and I said, "What's his name", he said "charlie", I said, "Have a nice time.", end of convo. next day, we were back to playing our normal video games. I had no right to ask him, since he was a coworker who eventually became my friend, and the gay issue was just an interesting sidebar (me trying to figure out if he was or wasn't... I lost $25 on it, too.)

 

You say you "avoid any unnecessary hate/anger". Impossible. Sorry, that is just a fact of life. I always thought about that when I fell in love with a girl of a different race than mine. I knew if we ever got married, we would face such anger in some circles. Look at the world we live in. You are bound to run into hatred and negativity. We are an ignorant ball of rock and gas, this Earth we dwell on.

 

Here's what you do: Live your life as YOU see fit. If you're worried about being feminine, giving away clues or wearing clothes that symbolize gay pride, then it's up to you to handle that situation. But...

 

 

he other day I was walking and it dawned on me, many people in society see me as different. How is it that I am different? I ask myself this but can never come to a conclusion. I work to pay my rent, groceries and other bills, I breathe the same air as everyone else, I wake up and watch the same TV shows as other people do. I go to the beach on a hot day. Yet I am so different because I love someone who is the same gender as I am.

For the bolded part, I say, "big deal." Love who you want to love. Everything you do, pay rent, groceries and other bills, the air thingie, TV shows and the beach, that makes you human. So does loving another man. Remember, you are not the first, last or only to do so. You are also not alone. You may be in the minority, but you have company who share your fears and qualms about the opinions of the world. But it shouldn't have to be so gut wrenching. The ignorance will be there, but don't let it dictate your happiness. Live your life and enjoy it. Only cats get 9 lives.

[robowarrior]

21For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 23and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

 

24thereforeeee God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

 

26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

The above is the reason why you aren't accepted today. Basically this is the foundation of why gay hatred exists. Because many societies have underlying religious basis , especially western and middle eastern (in which you live) who's very foundations lie in the bible or God , Pauls teaching have led everyone to believe that homosexuality is a sin, this is why people do not accept and stare after you, because you bear the marks of sin with you (in their eyes) , you are if you will that lustfull beast to which if involved with will undoubtfully lead to a path of hell, brimstone and fire. Now of course you and me 'know' that is totally utterly non-sense. But that doesn't take away the fact that many people still perceive you as such in that way even as today.

 

Its the witch hunt of modern day times, although gay people are generally becoming more accepted, and while you watch you can see the 'unacceptance' shift . The witchhunt for finding weapons of mass destruction for instance, Nowadays its strenght and emphasis lies more on condemning ,destroying and finding muslim terrorists, who knows what group will be persecuted next for the supposedly laughable (evil) reason, maby the hunt will be for aliens next, we live in a crazy world.

[kadvati79]

I define Sexuality broadly by three characteristics:

 

1. Sexual Behaviour (who do you have sex with?)

2. Sexual Preference (who do you find sexually attractive?)

3. Sexual Identity (what sexuality do you identify as?)

 

Believe it or not, all three can be completely different in one individual! For example, it is common for people with sex addictions to "act out" in funny ways related to their addiction. I might be having male-male sex, even though my sexual preference is bisexual, and my sexual identity is heterosexual. Or, I might be having heterosexual sex, even though I am a homosexual and identify as a homosexual!

 

People don't make this distinction and it causes lots of heartache. There are many reasons why someone will exhibit homosexual behaviour. Sometimes it is simply out of curiosity, sometimes because they are horny and there are no other females.

 

To give a bit of insight I will list my three sexual characteristics:

 

1. Sexual Behaviour : Bisexual

2. Sexual Preference : Bisexual

3. Sexual Identity : Homosexual

 

Why would I identify as something different than my preference? Because its easier. Its actually quite hard to live life as a real "bisexual" because people don't take you seriously, and its confusing for everyone. So i find it easier to just identify as a homosexual because thats something people understand and I fit within a specific culture, peer group, etc... Its finite and people then get an acceptance to it. Imagine if I told my mum I was bisexual! She would start trying to set me up with girls so I would give her some grandchildren...

 

I think the choices for each of these are entirely dependant on the individual, where it doesnt affect others.

[UT]

Your sexuality shouldn't be something to have to TELL. It should be something that you simply don't DENY when the question comes up.

 

I agree to this although in a society where people assume you're straight it's hard to just be yourself. You don't want people to ask you how it's going with the women och you "you'd do that chick". A fast was to get that problem out of the world is to let people know that you're gay.

 

Honesty is not always appreciated but how do you let people know you're gay if they always assume you're straight. It's hard not denying someonething if, in fact, the questions doesn't come up. Sure, you could tell people if you find someone hot but that too is telling people. If you don't say anything it will most likely not come up unless you happened to be in a relationship.

[Deviant_Kate]

I know exactly how you feel. I want to put gay pride stickers on my car, and I want to say GIRLFRIEND when I talk to my co-workers, not roommate or the ambiguous "fiance". I want to be able to talk about my life like any other person, but I'm terrified to let everyone know that I'm (for all intents and purposes) homosexual. Everyone close to me knows, but at work or at school, it takes so long for me to be willing to share that part of my life. You never can tell how someone will react, and I have to fear for my job or my grades. I hate living in a society where I have to know someone for months before I can trust that they won't be waiting in the dark to stab me for being gay.

 

I don't know if it's a fear that we can just get over, because society can't seem to get over its fear and hatred. The societal progress toward accepting homosexuality is SO slow when you're the one waiting for acceptance, and it hurts even more when you're with someone and you're in love and you can't tell the whole world. My girlfriend and I have been together for over two years, and she's still nervous about holding hands in the mall.

 

I don't really have any tips except to know who you're dealing with at all times so you can make the safe decision for yourself. I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel, and you aren't alone in feeling like you're denying/losing a little piece of yourself every time you hide who you are. Best of luck and all my sympathies, James.

 

~Kate

[FoxLocke]

Onething I have learned is that once you come out you are never done coming out. When you come out to family you'll have to come out to friends and etc el. Because you'll always be forming new relationships throughout your life...And, at the risk of being cliche, "Honesty is the best policy."

 

Unless you are flamboyantly gay society automatically classifies you as straight. That is just the way it is. And times will come up when you'll have to deliver the inevitable shock to the system.

 

I know how you feel. Granted, my sexuality is no longer the big issue with me that it used to be, but I still have those moments. Everyone in my family knows I'm gay now. And at this point I could careless. Yeah, I'm gay...and? What are you going to do with the rest of your life now that you don't have that juicy tidbit to gossip about?

 

Things haven't been peachy ALL the time, admittedly...

 

Several days ago I had a panic moment where I thought, "Damn, I really am gay...what does this bode for the rest of my life?" It was a crisis moment where I realized that my psuedo dreams(i.e. Beautiful wife, beautiful house in the burbs, two dogs, and 2.5 children) would not be possible. It really did freak me out. Furthermore, it scared me that I could possibly lose my job, "friends", and have to deal with Crazy, rabid, Fundamentalist Christians who believe that I'm going to rot in hell because of something I had no choice in...But, it turns out that that moment was the best thing that happened to me. It helped me to put things into perspective. Life is too short to chase idyllic fantasies based on what others want from you...

 

After a long talk with my mom, and some much needed soul searching(as well as a trip to the gymnasium) I realized that it doesn't matter to me what others might think, at all. This is something that isn't going to change, and most important of all...I don't want it to change. I like who I am. I am proud of who I am. And I make no apologies to ANYONE for it. I am a good, wonderful, and altruistic person who has hopes, dreams, and aspirations just like the rest of society; and just because I think men are more beautiful than women shouldn't be a slight against me...

 

For so long our society has always looked for the evil "Other." At onetime it was Jewish people and black people...Now it is Gay people and muslims.

Pretty soon picking on Gay people will be taboo and we'll move onto something else(this is what I hate most about humans...We hate everything that is different).

In my opinion the best thing I ever did was come out to my family. Now I've put a FACE on the "eeeeeeevil ominous OTHER." No longer are we depraved, sick, leather clad, sadomasochistic(not putting down anyone who is into S&M and leather), and treacherous sodomites hoping to molest little children. My family was forced to accept a new reality that me their: clean cut, babyfaced, laid back, Star Wars loving, pedantic; never got a traffic citation; not interested in going to night clubs; never done drugs; and has always gone out of his way to make his family proud; loves animals; son/brother/cousin/nephew is GAY.

Now, they have had to look at the big picture and think outside the proverbial box...Afterall, you can't simply just point a gay man out. We are any and everyone...We are people that you love and care about too.

 

James, your sexuality is just one part of you. It doesn't define you, unless you want it to. My big fear was that I would NEVER fit in with anyone in society. I don't want to be apart of the radical religious right(like I used to be), and I don't want to be an extreme gay activist(those guys who make a career out of being gay)...I just want to be Foxlocke. I can be gay and still do everything that I want to do. I can be gay without having to wear it as a badge of honor. I can be active in the community just by voting and mailing my congressman(and supporting orgs with donations). If you want to be boisterous and overt then that is great...That is the life you will lead for yourself. There is no ONE way to be gay.

 

Of course the inevitable, "Do you have a girlfriend," or "Why aren't you married yet?" or "Do you like boys or girls?" questions will(and DO) surface...Now, I just tell them that, "I would like to get married...But it's illegal." and that pretty much tips them off. Or I just tell them that I'm gay. And to my surprise most of my friends have just shrugged and said, "Cool..." If they like it, fine. If they don't then screw them because I don't care if they're straight...

 

So what if I won't have the traditional HETEROSEXIST dream of what a "real family" will be like...I don't want children anyway(I know heterosexual people who never have children by choice!). I would rather have cats, Gerbils, and Guinea pigs. I can still have the: Big house in the burbs, nice car, and happy life. But I will be with the man I really care about and we'll have pets as our kids...And maybe, if I feel paternal, I will adopt a child.

 

People can say whatever they want and have a problem with your sexuality...But it is THEIR problem, not yours. You are the only one who can live you life. YOU are the only one who has to be held accountable for finding comfort, joy, and affirmation.

 

Everyday, now, I wake up and tell myself that I am wonderful and deserving of happiness...Because if I don't do it no one else will. There are people that I know who would like to see me go to ruin just so they can say, "See, I toldja! The homosexual lifestyle is evil and filled with ruin!"

But that's on them because the God(or Goddess)that I now believe exists loves me just the way I am...

 

So wear your gay pride tags with pride if you wish to do so. And if you don't it is no big deal.

Even though people don't know I'm gay, at first glance, I am not ashamed of my sexuality...It is just something they don't need to know unless I intend to be close friends with them. Otherwise it is just details.

 

Now, I shall jump off my soap box.

 

 

 

 

It definitely has to do with fear. Because, even though many heterosexual people are very open minded and tolerant there are MORE who are really immature and homophobic.

 

I am more put off by the immaturity (i.e. "Eewww That is so sick" whenever a gay couple may speak about their relationship)than actually physical violence.

 

But I think things might be improving. I knew two lesbians that I worked with(last summer). To make a long story short when I first met them I thought they were sisters...LOL. But it turns out they were Girlfriends. And questions about their sexuality turned out to be an ice breaker and afterwards no one even blinked when they saw them together.

 

But then I think it would be QUITE the opposite were it two guys. Admittedly, I would get scared to hold hands with my boyfriend for fear of getting gay bashed or something.

[novaseeker]

I agree with what Foxlocke has written.

 

My own take is that sexuality is one part of who we are. An important part, but one part. How we choose to express that is individual. If you want to put gay pride stickers on your car and hang a rainbow flag over the front porch, that's fine, but you don't have to do that either. It's not necessary to make being gay the centrepoint of your life if you do not want to.

 

On the acceptance issue .. it varies from place to place. You would find more acceptance holding hands with another guy on the streets of Manhattan or San Francisco than you would in Virginia. It really does vary, because local attitudes towards homosexuality vary considerably between different parts of the US, and indeed in the world in general. One strategy some people take is to move to a place that is more tolerant of gay people if they wish to be more open about their homosexuality in an environment that is less threatening. But ultimately it's an individual thing as to where you can and want to live, and how you want to express yourself.

[Deviant_Kate]

So what if I won't have the traditional HETEROSEXIST dream of what a "real family" will be like...I don't want children anyway(I know heterosexual people who never have children by choice!). I would rather have cats, Gerbils, and Guinea pigs. I can still have the: Big house in the burbs, nice car, and happy life. But I will be with the man I really care about and we'll have pets as our kids...And maybe, if I feel paternal, I will adopt a child.

 

My girlfriend and I have (pretty much) decided we don't want children, so we've got a dog, a cat, a guinea pig, and several pet rats. She's got a sizeable inheritance and a great job, and I'm working on a degree, so we're going to have our own little version of the American dream: a beautiful and happy home, full of love and the pitter-patter of little (dog & cat) feet. If we feel like contributing to the younger generation beyond the BigBrothers/BigSisters, we'll foster older children, preferably the gay ones, so they can see what it's like to be part of a family who values them no matter their orientation. Luckily, I don't think our state is trying to make it illegal for homosexuals to be foster parents.

[FoxLocke]

Kate I think that is great!

 

Foster parenting is great, and I never thought of that. Even though I love kids I don't want them fulltime. I get tired of them, easily...lol. So I guess it is quite fortunate that I'm gay or I would be a dead beat dad.

 

I like what you said about, "Our little version of The American Dream." It is so true. No one has that perfect Norman Rockwell painting life. If we all did the world would be dull.