lost in my mind

[kadvati79]

For me, I think the key thing has been that my feelings haven't really changed at all for my ex, over the last four months, but my attitude and outlook has. I suppose in a way, I expected (and was even scared of) that I would be totally "over" my ex in three months, yet here I am coming up to five.

 

So if your feelings don't change, what happens? Well you get perspective on things. You realise that despite the way you feel, your ex wasn't really the omnipotent and amazing being that you thought they were, that your relationship was not the greatest in the world, and that you weren't really that happy anyway. The conclusion from all this is your feelings are not rational so you cannot use them to draw rational conclusions.

 

As I have said above, challenge what you will do today, not what you feel today. Eventually you will begin to learn to live without them, and become excited with your own life. I would recommend having realistic expectations about how you will feel about your ex, but understand that just because you still have feelings for them - it should be no impediment to you getting on with your life.

 

I think eventually perspective dimishes the effects those feelings have on you. Keep going and keep posting...

[doyle]

I agree, I was sick of suffering and I need to face some demons that I had locked in me. This all has been such a great experience for me and I learning everyday about me and others. I really have been forcing myself to step out of a box that has kept me locked in for a long time. I have tried things that I have never done before, and some I am still working on.

 

I found out how important my friends have always been to me, it is funny when you get into a relationship, you kinda of move away from friends, but they are true friends when you need them most! so it has been great.

 

something weird happened, I had not checked my mail for a few days, in the box was a couple of mags to Maxium...so i called around to my friends and family...none of them got it for me...so now i am thinking that it was the ex...strange but i thought that i would share....

 

work still is alittle hard at times, and the holiday weekend at times was really tough....but i am alive so that is the good thing.

 

Need2beme; you just keep on that track that you are on, I think that you are learning that NC might get you what you want, now it is time to define what you want!!!!

[Oldboy]

The battle between head and heart Doyle. Your heart tells you she is the only one for you... Bull * * * *!!!.. The are a million other girls out there, your head knows this. Your emotions are undermining your logic in this battle.

Icemotoboy says wasn't really the omnipotent and amazing being that you thought they were, that your relationship was not the greatest in the world, and that you weren't really that happy anyway". By now you must be realizing this.

Ask yourself this: When was the last time you were REALLY happy. When was the last time you had that giddy, jump for joy feeling when you were around your ex? Or the sweet anticipation of coming home and her being there waiting for you? For me; towards the end I was not greatly happy in the relationship and maybe even would have looked for a way out some time in the future... I don't know. I don't know if at the time I would be strong enough to say to myself that I was not happy with her any more. Or not stong enough to say that the relationship has ground to a halt and we need to work on it more or split. It's the easy option to just stay in the comfort of her arms..... fear of not letting go, fear of admitting you are not happy.

Sometimes we are so long in a relationship that we don't remember what happiness really is. The relationship becomes a need. I need her in my life therfore I must love her. You only need her in your life because you want someone to come home to.. you want someone to sleep with. Need is not love; it is need. It is a weakness on our part.

So we have to find that strength to know that we need no-one but ourselves.

I am approaching a position of power in my life now.. in this battle of head and heart. I will soon have my power back; the strength I had before I met her. My head is winning the struggle (not quite there yet but it will come..logic will prevail), the balance of power is shifting.

Life is too short to be stuck in a relationship that has been weakened by complacency, a run of the mill, never getting anywhere partnership... not moving forward, not growing.

What are we going to do? Wait until we are ninety before we realise this?

Sure when we get to that age time will have healed us. We can say "ok I'm better now, and now I know for sure that she's not coming back"

[doyle]

We can say "ok I'm better now, and now I know for sure that she's not coming back"

 

oldboy; I feel like i am getting to this point now, i have found something in me that has as accepted that fact that she is gone, for me it was a blessing in disguise that she did not want to see me, or talk to me on the phone...I was forced to NC, even though i was able to e-mail her...it was better for me; i was able to get feelings out, i know now that i can still love her but if she is not willing to understand myfeeling then someone else will.

 

like i said i am getting out of a box that i was in, i am out doing things that used to make me feel uncomfortable....i am starting to flirt alittle bit with people not looking for a serious relationship, but enjoying where i am in life right now.

[need2bme]

Man o man, I had another dream last night. I am happy that I am dreaming again, but I wish it were about happier times.

 

I got a PO box this morning to forward my mail. I then went online to change the mailing address and was thinking, "WOW, this is it!" No more contact about the mail. I was thinking that this was not going to be fun, because I would lose my excuse to contact her, but decided to do it anyway. For me, and a little for her (she deserves to heal).

 

Funny thing though, the USPS would not allow the address change to the UPS Store, online. Of course my silly mind's first thought was, "cool, I can breathe easier", then "maybe this is a sign". How sick is that?

 

Don't worry, I came to my senses quickly.

 

The saddest part is, I dread calling to leave a message on my home phone to give her the address to forward the mail that is already there.

 

Sometimes life sucks!

[need2bme]

So, have you left us brother?

 

I am glad you are doing well man. We still gotta get together sometime.

 

I gotta let ya know that I still agonize over these decisions man and not just about my relationship bro. It seems that I have become the "what if this happens guy". Man, who cares?

 

I mean most decisions are not going to kill us anyway. I gotta get over myself. I don't know where I started being this weak brother.

 

On the GF front, I figured she would at least want to know how I am doing, but nothing. Well, at least she is comfortable in our apartment.

 

I do sincerely want her to be ok, but I still have a long way to go.

[need2bme]

OK, I am going to have to call you, since you seem to be "all better now".

 

The GF called, I answered and she said she just wanted to leave a message. Of course we talked for a while and things have been bothering her. She is stressed. It was a conversation filled with pauses and the shrugging off of what she was going to say, with "its alright".

 

Why do this? Why not tell me how she feels, good or bad? Anyway, she wants to talk to me later tonight, so I think I will.

 

She got a little stressed when I didn't call her. I didn't think I was supposed to. I am trying to give her space and respect. I want to call, but I know I shouldn't.

 

So, I am trying to do what I believe is right and it sounds like she wants to talk. I don't want her to think I don't love her, but she has to tell me what is up. Doesn't she?

 

Is it possible that she just needs a familiar shoulder to lean on?

[doyle]

Man i am still here for sure. I was feeling alittle better last week then the weekend hit and i was feeling really down. I do not know what it was it just happened that i was not feeling up to par. anyway, like someone said one step forward 5 back!! It is my own process on my own timeline...

 

So she called huh? wow, why do you think that she called? do not try to justify why she called, she called for a reason...do you think that she is "forcing" you into a friendship? See you are gaining some power back with her because you said that she was alittle stressed that you did not call her back....if she felt like it was over then why would she care if you called back or not?

 

I think that the last thing that she believes is that you do not love her, i think that it may be the opposite. that she knows that she has you by the B****? who knows, it sounds like you are doing what is right for you man that is good!

[need2bme]

Yeah, well right about now, I wouldn't mind it if she had me by the *****!

 

Glad to see you are around, I guess. I hear ya about the weekend brother. I had my first weekend here and checked out some stuff. The only thing I kept thinking was, "I bet ***** would like this". Go figure.

 

"My own timeline". I like that.

 

As for her calling, she said she just wanted to leave a message. Sure, then why not do it when I would not answer my phone (maybe I chouldn't have)?

 

I just think she is actually missing me, but I don't think it is for the right reasons. So, until she says she wants me back and I decide to, I will try not to read into anything.

[doyle]

oh i hear you brother! how is the new job going? I hear you about wanting to experience things with your EX but this is time for you, no matter what happens...what did you check out? was it something that you will go back to?

 

I am getting

[need2bme]

Hey, it looks like you didn't finish your last post.

 

I checked out the place my mom used to work, when we lived here, a LONG time ago. I took pictures of the way it looks now, so I could send them to her.

 

I am trying to remember this is for me. I need to, because I can feel and hear myself falling into old patterns. It will come.

 

Gotta call ya brother and set up some time.

[doyle]

I know sorry i was taking a call while i was typing. I was saying that i feel like in my last post that i am getting forward then i am steping back alittle, so it is just a process! ahhh i hate that.

 

yes we need to set up some time. I will contact you later! i am glad that you are doing well....

 

so what is the advise on here on going out on casual dates!

[satinblack]

maybe part of you simply doesn't WANT to get better, because getting better means letting go of the person you love completely. .

 

 

I think is so damn true its unbelieveable. yet when we are over them this feeling wont even occur.

[wikcrs]

Hi again guys. Been about a week since the last time, and things have changed somewhat.

On friday me and acouple of good friends decided to spend the weekend in Denmark, visiting a friend and getting wasted.

Whoever says alcohol doesn't help, doesn't know what they're talking about.

Going to Denmark by ship, me and one of my friends hit the bar.

Allready after a few beers I noticed a really cute girl giving me some attention. And by the time we hit shore, we had talked, danced and really hit it off. It turned out she was from my neighbouring city, and so we exchanged phone numbers before we parted our separate ways. By SMS later that night, she even thanked me for making this the best start on a vacation she had ever had.

I haven't bothered to send her any more sms' after that though, as she and her friends were going away for an entire week.

But this caught me in sort of a dilemma. I really enjoyed the attention I got from her, and so I'd love to see her again. But I'm not confident I should, as I feel it would probably hurt my ex that I was allready moving on. On the other hand, she did break up with me, and not the other way around.

Not really sure I should try dating yet either, it's only been abit longer than a week since the initial break up, and I'm probably far from moving on, in terms of emotions etc. But I really feel much better about being me, and being single again, than what I did last week. Allthough I'm still sort of on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment, one day feeling great, and another feeling down.

 

basically I just felt like I needed to say thank you for all your help while I was really torn up last week, and to let you know I feel alot better allready. Which amazes me, as I was sure I'd be devastated for months.

I'd really appreciate responses on what to do, or not do, with this other girl, as I'll probably sms her again this weekend or the following week. If for nothing more, it really helps to know my ex isnt the end all, be all of my sosial life.

[kadvati79]

One of the biggest revelations for me, has been the realisation that just because feelings are "authentic" doesn't make them all powerful. You can fall in love with someone who is totally wrong for you, and makes you miserable, but just because that feeling is authentic it doesn't mean that you should rule your life by it.

 

This guy I have been dating gave me this book to read called link removed by Augusten Burroughs. Burroughs is a mid twenties gay man in New York city with a mad childhoo. He has a successful career in New York advertising and is a raging alcoholic. He's in denial about his problem, so he's surprised when his co-workers stage an intervention and even more surprised when he reluctantly agrees to a 30-day rehab stint. The book follows his attempts to remain sober, deal with his past, and cope with some harmful romantic relationships.

 

But some of the BIGGEST messages came to me when he falls in love with a crack addict who he goes to group therapy with. Reading about that relationship made me think about my ex. It gave me perspective on what I was getting out of the relationship, and why I had put myself through such drama for so long - resulting in a very unhappy me.

 

Why had I done this? Why did I hold on for so long? Why was I STILL holding on? The answer was because my love was authentic, and I felt that if I let go I would be challenging this authenticity. It would mean that I would have to accept the love wasn't real... begging the question, what is love and how will I know authentic love when I see it?

 

The answer was, as it usually is, very simple. Yes it was authentic, but the relationship was also a disaster. Sometimes we can love someone who really isn't right for us. We can continue loving someone even after they hurt us, and even once they leave us. Yet letting go of this love does not have to question the authenticity of the feelings. You don't need to trash your love, or call in the "love extreme makeover team" to remodel your views on love. You simply need to accept that just because feelings are authentic does not make them right or healthy.

 

Addicts talk about some relationships "defocusing" you on your sobriety. Dating my ex gave me the chance to ignore my own problems, issues, sobriety, and mental health - and focus on him. He needed me. And when he left me, I was forced to focus on my life once again and boy... I didn't like what I saw. I saw a mess.

 

I think there are many common themes to each of the journeys we make here on these forums, and one of them is the need to reconcile our feelings and experience of love in the aftermath of a breakup. Its the holy grail of love, "closure". I think closure for me is accepting the authenticity, the legitimacy, of what I felt (true love) - as well as the true picture of my past relationship (a disaster). They are not mutually exclusive. I am not insane. I have closure.

[Oldboy]

Well said Ice. I often hear people who say that some day you will find yourself with feelings of total indifference towards her. But while hearing this I find myself disagreeing. It has been five months now and I must say that I am not indifferent to her suffering (She's up * * * * Creek without a paddle... guilt, remorse, tears etc).

My love for her is valid and real. I ask myself how I can love someone who betrayed me so cruelly. The answer is: cos I love her.

I feel like a dog whose owner beats him but still comes back.

Doesn't mean I want her in my life again. It would be a disaster for me if she came back. I'd probably strangle her.

But I know I still love her.

[need2bme]

So, whomever wrote to me in a separate post that my relationship was a LONG time and I might have to spend some time staring at the walls and having a cry (to get over it), was right.

 

I guess the bad days are expected with the good. It is also second nature to me, to want to share stuff with her and now I cant.

 

This is gonna take a while, so I guess I better get a good seat and just hang on....

[doyle]

so it is funny the last couple of days I have missed my ex alot. I think that i am getting to the point were i am not busy every minute of the day and it gives me time to think.

 

I do not dwell on things but she will pop into my head every once in awhile. I have gone out on a few dates, and i am sitting there comparing the girls that i am with to her....i am not looking for a new girlfriend at all, i am just getting out there...but it kinda of sucks.

 

this last weekend i was with some buddies that were calling there wives and girlfriends while we were out "checking in on them", it was uncomfortable alittle because i was once that guy and miss those calls...i think that it is all the small stuff that i miss.

[need2bme]

ICE: I appreciate what you write about feelings. I always used to say, "never apologize for feelings, because they are what you feel."

 

Now, I don't know.

 

I also read in a book on recovering from a heartache, that having feelings does not mean they are ok. We need to be able to distinguish between those that are and are not. In fact, the author goes on to explain that we can even get caught up with feelings about our feelings and need to be able to distinguish between them all. A friend of mine once said, "when you feel something in your heart, run it past your head, before it comes out of your mouth."

 

Doyle: I feel you DAWG! I have been spending the last few days totally thinking about her and sometimes getting mad that she does not even call. Not really angry with her, just the sitch. The weekends and down time ARE the worst. I have been trying to concentrate on the information in the book "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway". I have gotten so fearful of everything. People. Stuff. Things. Flights. Feelings.

 

I have become a TOTAL loner and I don't want to be that way. You know, I even find myself lowering my head and shoulders when I approach someone. That is a total lack of self esteem. I don't remember being like that before. I can attribute some of it to the way my relationship was and the way I was treated. In the book I mentioned before, she states to just say Yes to your universe. Saying No puts you in a bad place. Well, she is right. All I have done in the past is think, "Woe is me".

 

So, I move into my new apartment here yesterday and looks like I am going to have to "do it anyway", when I go and ask the neighbor to not listen to so much bass at 1:30 AM.

 

The saddest part was that I felt like this was one step further with saying goodbye to her and to us. It just felt really surreal. I have had this nagging stress and stomache ache lately. I am hoping the physical manifestations go away soon.

 

I also still find myself on edge and judging people when I shouldn't. When I do, I am most often wrong. I know the latter is due to my insecurities and not liking myself and hopefully the former is a byproduct of the meds.

 

Well, I am still at work, so I better work.

 

CYA'LL

[boybornbad]

I'm sorry you're hurting friend. In my experience there's only one thing that will make you move on and that is time.

She has moved on and by what you said she was thinking about leaving a long time before it actually happened. Believe me when I say there is life beyond her. Don't trap yourself in a prison of thinking about where she is or what she's doing. A year from now you'll wake up smiling and your pain will be history. You'll be better equipped for future relationships. I hope you went on the trip. I understand your grief and how personal it is. Nobody really knows how hard it is to think of a person's face and how you'd give your life for 5 minutes of what you had. Its over and the only way life evergoes is forward. I hope your OK. Sometimes the fish you spoke of find you whether you are looking or not. I promise you that. Take care of yourself. T

[kadvati79]

I also read in a book on recovering from a heartache, that having feelings does not mean they are ok. We need to be able to distinguish between those that are and are not. In fact, the author goes on to explain that we can even get caught up with feelings about our feelings and need to be able to distinguish between them all. A friend of mine once said, "when you feel something in your heart, run it past your head, before it comes out of your mouth."

Let your HEAD rule your actions and your FEELINGS rule your heart. Don't mix the two of them up! Just because you feel a certain way, doesn't mean you should act on it. But the feeling is legitimate. When people make me angry, I feel like I want to hit them with a bat... but I don't do it... yet my anger is legitimate ... its what I FEEL, but I DEAL with the feelings and accept they are there, but that my desired response is not an action I want to take.

 

Doyle: I feel you DAWG! I have been spending the last few days totally thinking about her and sometimes getting mad that she does not even call. Not really angry with her, just the sitch. The weekends and down time ARE the worst. I have been trying to concentrate on the information in the book "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway". I have gotten so fearful of everything. People. Stuff. Things. Flights. Feelings.

I found the weekends the worst for a start. But now, I actually find the weekends the best. Weekends I have my own life now, so I don't often even think of my ex. Its during the week that I end up getting reminders of him. Most of my worktime is spent with me thinking... so during the week I have plenty of time to ponder things. Just roll with it, let what happens inside happen and commit to just moving forward.

 

I have become a TOTAL loner and I don't want to be that way. You know, I even find myself lowering my head and shoulders when I approach someone. That is a total lack of self esteem. I don't remember being like that before. I can attribute some of it to the way my relationship was and the way I was treated. In the book I mentioned before, she states to just say Yes to your universe. Saying No puts you in a bad place. Well, she is right. All I have done in the past is think, "Woe is me".

I coach a few staff members to be more self confident. One of the first things I do is walk down the street and get them to keep their heads up and look at everyone who walks past. I do that all the time, even when i don't feel like it. Eventually you become the act. Make a point of looking more self confident and you will be.

 

The saddest part was that I felt like this was one step further with saying goodbye to her and to us. It just felt really surreal. I have had this nagging stress and stomache ache lately. I am hoping the physical manifestations go away soon.

You need to work at it. Are you doing plenty of physical exercise? Hows your diet? These have a massive impact on mood. I think you're on your way, and things will get better as you work at them.

 

I also still find myself on edge and judging people when I shouldn't. When I do, I am most often wrong. I know the latter is due to my insecurities and not liking myself and hopefully the former is a byproduct of the meds.

There are few events in our lives that shake us to our core the same way that a breakup does, it provides us with a uniquely honest view of our lives at the end of it, if we allow ourselves to be objective. But don't be too hard on yourself.

[doyle]

I swear i am going to send everyone on here a gift after all of this...last night i had dreams of her for the first time in a long time...I was confused what it all meant, i have not thought about her for along time. Again it goes up and down, (the rollercoaster) however it is not the only ride that i am on anymore like I was before.

 

I joined a gym the couple of weeks ago to keep the body weight that i loss off. It feels really good i feel like i am in the military again, running and lifting. just a reminder for all of us that have not been in the gym in awhile start slow!! haha...recovery gets harder has you get alittle older!

 

other then that i think that i am feeling alot better...i really do believe that NC was what got me to were i am at now. thank you to everyone!

 

Need2beme...you know what i found that helped with the "loner" piece of all of this was to goto public places, you can just blend in with everyone else but you are still around other people...

[need2bme]

Guys: I must fill you in on something hilarious. While working at the contract job before this one, I met a friend of the guy I was working for. I knew the guy I was working for, from before. He too was having problems with his GF. We both did not have the guts to do anything, but we would always complain.

 

So, this friend of his, was always asking us "if it is that bad, why do we stay?" We would reply that we have no balls. He would always tell us we had to stick up for ourselves. Later, this same guy got in a huge fight with his GF about their future. He ended up breaking it off with her, deleting everything and going NC.

 

For a long time, we kept calling him our hero and wishing we had the guts, etc. He would say that he was just going to be single for a while and so forth.

 

So, today, the guy I used to work for, calls me and tells me that "our boy" has been secretly talking to his GF for about 2 months and is going to propose to her. WHAT? So, I guess we all have to do what we have to do sometimes. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

I still have to call him and tell him that I found a couple of his things, rolling around in the back of my car and find out if he wants them back.

[doyle]

That is great!! I am telling you it takes alot of strenght to walk away completely...NC works the best when it is not your choice! How goes the new job?

[need2bme]

I know it takes a lot of strength, but he was secretly talking to her for the past 2 months, all the while telling us not to call ours.

 

The new job is great, but there is a learning curve. I will get through it though. So, what was the dream about? Did you wake up with a kick in the gut?