lost in my mind

[need2bme]

How the hell do you work through this, when you live in the same place? This sucks!!

[doyle]

It sucks we are dealing with rejection...

 

we have been rejected as a person and our reality has been rejected all the thoughts and dreams that we had with the person was simply cut short when they said that they want to break up!

 

we as the dumpee are stuck holding this "bag" of dreams and desires....while still dealing with the fact that we are rejected....need2bme....man i know where you are at with this it is consuming and obsessive.

 

the mind is an amasing thing, we have the ability to learn other languages and to put people on the moon, but when it comes to deal with matters of the heart we are lost souls...right now my mind and my heart are at war with one another, they both see two truths....

 

living in the same space is tough, my ex just left and left all of her stuff there, so it makes it worse to come home to a place that looks the same, smells the same, but is a play ground for old memories. I do not know if it is possible for her to move out for a little bit...i know that is the last thing that you want right now....i am there for you man, i know the feeling.

[Allie.]

its gonna be hard but just keep reminding yourself that this was her decision. and that she decided to leave you. you HAVE no choice but to move on...or the other alternative being killing yourself. [but thats raw] and lets not go there. But just know that in the overall picture of life...all the negatives eventually lead to a positive and trust me, i know how hard it is doing that...but i think you can do it =D

 

Final words: Just know that there's nothing you can do. You could've never made it better if it never belonged. hmm?

 

Allie.

[doyle]

your right it was her decision, what makes it hard was that it was never talked about, i never got the warning that she was so unhappy that she was leaving...you know three days before she left we were talking about a trip that we had planned late in the summer....so to me i thought that all was well.

 

so you have to know, the initial shock that i was faced with...again with that look on my face of "what the hell, just happened here!" "are you kidding me!"

 

i have lost all sight of faith and the say of "if it was meant to be then it will be"

 

I am pigheaded and take things to heart again i think i maybe too sensitive for my own good. i know that it seems weird to want someone back, when they have made it clear they arent coming back. you know even after a month of this torture if she came walking back in through those doors i would welcome her back even after all this pain...

[now_better]

like everybody said: hardcore NC. no e-mails, no telephone calls, no txt msgs, no seeing them period. everything in your apt that reminds you of her? put it in a box, put that in the closest (or do what i did and just give it to her).

 

this one is tough: delete all e-mails she has ever sent you. all txt msgs, anything electronic, delete it. otherwise you'll come back and keep reading all those messages and you'll never properly heal.

 

once you remove anything physical that can possibly remind you, you need to begin taking steps to heal. hangout with people, go watch movies, WORKOUT (god, i've gone running more times in the last month than i have in the last 5 years). working out is great, put all that sadness and anger into working out, you'll be amazed how much better you'll feel if you continually workout. this is also important, depending on how you grew up: she left you, but you're not worthless. everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, but how you rebound from those mistakes says more about you than anything else. show her that she was wrong, prove it to yourself that you can be better, that she missed out on the greatest thing that passed through her life. forget the woulda/shoulda/coulda, it's not going to help. make yourself better for the next relationship or even better... workout like insane and see her like 6 months down the road with your new confident attitude and physique and see who gets the last laugh in life. with time, you will meet people in life (or at least this is what i keep telling myself) and you'll become a better person.

 

then come visit this forum and listen/write. it's great to go from the person that is suffering unbearable pain to the person that's dispensing advice to the recently heartbroken.

[ladyj]

Doyle:

 

I have just been dumped by my bf of 4 yrs. On top of it all I'm 6 wks pregnant with his baby and he hasn't even called to asked how I'm doing. Just like you we had so many plans for the summer and just last week he told me that he was in love with me and that he could not imagine the future without me. Then 2 days later he tells me "I need a break" "I love you but I'm not sure if I'm in Love with you anymore" after he just said the opposite two days before. I'm really struggleling through it all and sometimes I don't know how I'm going to get through the day.

 

I've been getting all kinds of advice like "let him have his break maybe he got cold feet" or "he will come back after he's done doing the guy thing" (whatever that might be) but I can't help but think that this is final. It's unfair because when he broke up with me he said that there was a possibility for us and just to give him time. I don't know how much time that's going to be, for all I know it could be 3 weeks, a month even a year. I know what you're going through, I said the same thing 'if he was to come back right now, I would not hesistate to take him back" I miss him every minute of the day and sometimes I get overwhelmed with all this feelings.

 

I do agree with some of the people in this forum when they say that, if they needed a break from us then evidently they wanted out of the relationship. I know is harsh believe I'm living it. I thought everything was great. We were on verge of buying a home and we had so many things planned out. This is just few weeks ago not even months weeks and then he dropped "the bomb" on me. I don't understand it and I have no closure. I don't want to let go, but like I said before the more the time passes by the more I believe he wanted out and he wanted to sugar coated for by saying "i need a break".

 

I'm devastated, but life goes on and there might be something better around the corner for us. It's not easy but I do believe the saying "God will not give more than what you can handle".

[doyle]

ya the NC is tough i want to tell her how i am feeling right now....i know that she has moved on that is why i feel like this is an addiction...I can go for alittle bit then i start thinking about her.

 

It scares me that someone can affect me the way that she has and yet nothing on her end....someone just slap me back into reality, like i stated lost in my mind.

 

sitting here at work and all her friends are starting to dress like her, maybe they always did and i never noticed, but seeing them dressed up makes me think of her........ahhhhh, this is all nuts!

[doyle]

Ladyj...

 

i have read your thread and i am sorry to hear what you are going through, it funny, it feels like I getting to know many people on here through all the pain and suffering.

 

It is not always fair for those folks that are supporting you to tell you what you want to hear. If you feel like he is not coming back, then that is what you need to work towards. I know that she is not coming back, but i am too damn pig headed to know the diffrence. like i said my heart and my brain are fighting one another.

 

I have nothing to prove to her I know that, but I want to show her that i have changed, all of this actually has jumped started my feelings....i think for a long time I was just in auto pilot, i believe that has alot to do with her leaving.

 

again, alot of regret on my part...i let something slip away because of my own in ability to express my feelings......

[kadvati79]

I am pigheaded and take things to heart again i think i maybe too sensitive for my own good.

 

Don't want to hear you say that again mate, ever

 

You are hurting because you are growing. Emotionally, you are being ripped to shreds. I wrote in a separate post about link removed which are typically seen in depression. However, they also appear when the mind is trying to rationalise a situation that it cannot comprehend. Actually, a good example is say a conservative religious parent who finds out he/she has a gay child, or a white supremacisit parent who finds out their child is dating someone of another race.

 

Situations like this force us to confront "new realities" that don't fit with the one we are living in. They just make no sense, they don't fit, and in some ways our mind simply just rejects them. This places an enormous amount of stress on your mind and body. Your magic world is gone, but as you said, you feel like you are still trying to live it. When faced with this situation, like the conservative parent with a gay child, you are faced with a serious problem. Either you accept the new reality, which forces you to change or destroy your belief structures and in many cases review much of the entire past reality.

 

The point I am trying to make, is that this pain and suffering is part of a process. Its more than simply grieving. You are confronting your past, you are confronting your behaviour. It is challenging who you are right down to the very core of what you believe in and what you value. Probably, you lived with a series of cognitive distortions and now you have been challenging them. Unfortunately, you don't want to accept the "new" reality or the "old" reality. You don't want the reality where you aren't with your ex, but you don't want the old one (the one you had regrets about).

 

I am a fighter, I will cling and claw at something until it is totally spent, sometimes even long after. Sometimes we hold onto dreams well after they have burned into nothing and we are left holding onto ashes. You are holding on so tight, to hard, because thats all you can see you can do. And its hurting like hell! But thats natural. Eventually, like the final acceptance of water by a drowning man, you will just let that emotion wash over you. And then the intensity won't bother you so much, because you know that after each wave there is a lull, a quiet time. And things aren't so bad.

 

right now my mind and my heart are at war with one another, they both see two truths

 

This is the fight I am talking about, and trying to reassure you that it is perfectly natural, and that you just have to let it run its course. The worthy shall win!

 

i have lost all sight of faith and the say of "if it was meant to be then it will be"

 

I am a firm believer that we make our own destiny. But anyone can fight, true courage and wisdom is demonstrated in knowing when to fight and when to accept the battle is over. Saying "whatever happens, happens" to my mind can either be a cop-out or an acknowledgement that the events taking place are beyond your sphere of influence. Ask yourself if there is anything you can do now, anything you could say, that would make her change her mind? The answer is no, because for her returning to work she will need to change her mind for herself.

 

I do not know how to survive this.

 

I bet the first time you fell over and hit your head trying to walk you didn't know how to survive the pain either. You don't know how you are going to survive this, but you are experimenting. By coming to these message boards you have already demonstrated a propensity to seek out help and find a way to cope.

 

It sounds like your love walked and you let them go because that it what THEY wanted and not you, that is selfless on your part and I tip my hat to you.

 

I'm not a huge fan of twelve step programmes, but I like the bit in the serenity prayer that says "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

 

I can't change the way my ex feels any more than I can change the stars in the sky. And I love him, and if this makes him happy, well - all I ask is that god or whatever is out there gives me the strength to be able to accept that. But the true strength comes from inside me. Do I want to take this on my knees head bowed like a * * * * *? Or do I want to take it on my feet, head high. And if this is how it is to be, if this is the end. Then so be it. Bring it on I say.

 

Like I said, waves on a beach. I stand still when I have too, I step forward when I can. I do what needs to be done to keep moving. Sometimes I sit in the cupboard in my room for an hour, and bawl my eyes out. Sometimes I will go to the gym to let off some steam. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes I am sad.

 

But this is us, living and experiencing life. This pain and suffering gives us perspective, it is just a process. The world has not changed, everything is as it was yesterday. The past has not changed. But you are being forced to deal with a situation you don't want too - so you just wait it out till the battle in your heart and head is over.

[doyle]

I tell you what Icemotoboy...i do not know what you do for a living but you should get into the counseling field. You have great insight and unmeasured strenght it is encouraging to say the least.

 

I forget about the process, like you i want to be the creator of my own destiny, and being the controlling person that I am it is hard to let fate happen. I do say that prayer everynight, i am looking to get over the hurdle of things that i can not change.

 

i know that at some point i will feel the warmth of acceptance; right now i am fighting through all the fog of what has happened to me. so what about this holding onto the pain? what purpose does it serve, i dont feel some Martyr but how cause am i suffering for?

[ladyj]

Doyle:

 

I feel the same way. Entering this forum has been a huge help through out this week. Reading and writing about what I'm going through is helping me realize that it's ok to hurt and that there is nothing I could have done to change his mind. He knows I love him and miss him and that's all he needs to know. He made the choice to break up and it hurts but reading about other people going through the same thing lets me know I'm not alone and that I will be ok.

I too, wonder what more can I do to make him come back or what can change about how I was to him to change his mind. The reality is that there's nothing else I could have done. He had all the freedom in the world to do anything, I was not the type of gf to keep him at home with me at all times. I encouraged for him to go out with his friends and even picked and dropped him off at times. I look back and think of all the things I did and seriously there's nothing I would change. The only thing I will change in the future is doing more for myself. I lost my individuality because he was my world. I made him my core and ultimately everything i became to be.

I want to call him, see him but from somewhere i get strenght not to do either.

This is why I keep writing in this forum to keep from calling him.

 

Icemotoboy:

 

I agree with you, and someday I hope I can have the positive outlook you have right now. sometimes I feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel and it scares me to death. I'm scared to be alone and I don't know how to deal with that.

[need2bme]

Doyle,

 

Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a good thing and feeling things deep down is a good thing. However, how we react to them, I am finding, is a true measurement of what we are.

 

I say this, because when I wear that heart, I sometimes want to show it to people so I can be proud of that and sometimes I guess it being out there, it is easy to break.

 

Sometime, I have also noticed is that those of us with kind hearts, get especially mad when someone treats us wrong. I internalize it. she said this, so I must be no good. I read that we have to take our feeling and ask ourselves if there is any evidence to back that up. I am going to try and remember that.

 

My GF, I don't want to write ex yet (gimme time guys), used to ask if there is anything in my mind that does not come out of my mouth. I used to laugh and say NOPE! A friend of mine told me that even though something is in the heart, you have to run it by your head first. I used to get so angry that I thought she didn't love me or give me enough attention and I would find myself blurting and acting stupid. My therapist said that we do that sometimes when we don't think somone cares enough to be heard. I guess here is as good a place as any.

 

LadyJ:

Thank you for your thread and your posts. I appreaiate them so much. I too made my GF my very life. she used to ask what my dreams were and I would say I just wanted to be with her and I did. I did not treat her like a dream though. I see now that I wanted to do so much more. We held things against each other way too much. I think we stopped respecting each other too. I hate to mention this, but she is not from this country originally and I used to correct here pronounciation. I did it in what I thought was a sly way. I would repeat it back to her in a manner that I could say the word to her correctly. Why does it matter ho she spoke. I also sometimes thought the way she did things was stupid, then I would see her in action and think WOW she is really good at what she does. I really started thinking that she was so much better than me. She had little money, but seemed to be happy (at least with everything but me). I will never get another chance. I took her for granted really don't know how I got off on this rant. I just thank you for sharing as you have.

[ladyj]

I agree with NEED2BME. There is nothing with showing how we feel about the one we love. I am a very affectionate girl and I always liked touching him and he did the same. I would be in the kitchen washing dishes and he would stand beside me and have his hand on my back (that meant the world to me). We never held back in public, I mean we didn't exhibit bad behaviour but we were not the type of couple that would not kiss just because we were in public. We have to understand that we put ourselves out there without expecting anything in return and that is ok. Bottom line, they are the ones with the problem. Maybe we could have done something different but you know what a couple means two and there has to be compromise amongst the two. It's not one way and I think (well I'm talking for myself) I believe I could carry the relationship all on my own. I think he got used to it and finally when I started to speak my mind he thought I was nagging. When in reality all I wanted is for him to acknowledge that he needed to put more on his part. He said he loved me, and that's how he kept me happy. Come to find out it wasn't enough anymore.

 

I know how I feel about him and I'm sure of what I wanted from him, but he's the one that needs help figuring out what he wants. It hurts, but I can't help him find the way. That's something he's going to have to do on his own. In the meantime we need to take care of ourselves and find the peace we long for. I know that's all I'm looking for at the moment. Peace in my heart and strenght to move on.

 

Talking to all of you has granted me the wisdom to know that this will pass and when the time comes to confront our "lost love" then we have the control to decide weather we want to be with them or not. They made the choice to leave us behind but with that comes the risk of us the "dumpee's" to find our path and it might not be what they expect. This is how I'm staring to see things or how I want to see them. My bf (i too need time to say ex) made a choice and he will have to live with the consequences of that.

[need2bme]

BTW, where are all the strong people that push through it, can get their work done and not seem at least, to have any problems with it. i want what everyone else has. I want to be sure of myself.

 

I cannot think and this is fr*ggin' silly guys. How am I supposed to function at the new job when I cannot even function at this one.

 

Also, I know this sounds petty; but how do you guys deal with the fact that they might be with someone else?

 

I know my GF is feeling bad, because she cried so much last night when we spoke. How can she make it, when I cannot? What really brings me down is that I made her so sick of me, that she ended it. I made her so depressed that she was able to rebound with me gone. I really feel like I am not worth much now.

 

I know that the therapist says when this happens to challenge those thoughts, but boy it is hard.

[kadvati79]

BTW, where are all the strong people that push through it, can get their work done and not seem at least, to have any problems with it. i want what everyone else has. I want to be sure of myself.

 

Everyone deals with these situations differently. Many people build up resentment and hate, and this helps them to push on very fast. A lot of my friends do this, but its a wall. It simply stops them dealing with their true feelings. Think about this statement for a minute... "Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt." Why is that? It is easier to be angry because you don't have to admit that someone hurt you and that you were vunerable.

 

Also, I know this sounds petty; but how do you guys deal with the fact that they might be with someone else?

 

I just found out, after four months, that for probably the last two (maybe less) my ex has been dating two guys, one ended and he just started with another. Yeah... that hurt. I summed it up in the last post I made on my thread:

 

I know it hurts when someone you love leaves you, but crikey, its nothing compared to the realisation they are never coming back.

 

But it just hurts. Thats all. You get through it. Each time something happens its tempting to think "thats it, I can't take it any more. This I simply CAN'T deal with any more hurt and sadness any longer." Well, you do. Your mind and heart take up the slack and you cope the best you can, by learning and adapting.

 

The best way to deal with your ex is to not seek information. In fact, for at least a while, you need to make it clear to people that you do NOT want to hear about them. None of my friends, my mutual friends, or my ex's friends, or even my ex told me about his new partners. They all did this out of respect to me, and I was quite humbled. I ended up figuring it out by myself, and when i mentioned it, people cautiously admitted they new but didn't want to say anything as I seemed to be doing really well.

 

I know my GF is feeling bad, because she cried so much last night when we spoke. How can she make it, when I cannot?

 

Rebounds - bad idea. Ultimately they ensure you 1) don't learn much, 2) don't deal with the breakup, 3) hurt someone else, 4) compound loneliness. I am sure there are many more things they do.

 

What really brings me down is that I made her so sick of me, that she ended it. I made her so depressed that she was able to rebound with me gone. I really feel like I am not worth much now.

 

I think you are taking on way to much blame. It just takes one partner to badly damage a relationship, but it takes two to complete obliterate it. I think if you took a good rational look at the relationship, and were able to see inside her head to her inner thoughts, I think you would find that she has some demons of her own, that were not of your making.

[Replaceme]

This is the best gosh darn thread i have ever in my life read.

i swear.

[doyle]

It is morning time and I am back on the roller coaster...it is never ending.

 

I live and work with guilt and regret all day long, the tape does not want to go away, I feel regret about not telling her how I was feeling...I just assumed that she knew. I express my love not so much verbally but by actions, buy gifts be affectionate, making baths...things of that nature....i did not find out until she left and we e-mailed that she wanted the verbal communication....i know more about her now after we broke up then i did when we were dating.....

 

when i laid everything on the line because i had nothing to lose....she still rejected me...that hurts, becuase i have everything that she was looking for but i did not give it to her....

 

my family is confused why i would want someone who can not forgive if she was the "one" nothing you could ever do would push them away...it makes sense but you know i want her so bad....

 

those picutes that i saw at the beginning of the week have burned themselves into my brain.....

[doyle]

I think this place is a life saver...like Ladyj once said she uses this thread to support her NC. I too feel that way, i still cant seem to focus at work I am still thinking all the time of her....and i know that she is not even thinking of me......

 

I am still drinking alot of Ensure to keep myself going.....

 

I have been driving around without the radio on because it seems like every song will make me start thinking about her......this is sooooooooooo overwhelming....

[ladyj]

Doyle:

 

I know exactly how you're feeling right now since that is what I'm going through. It really sucks that I spend more time reading threads to help not to think about him than doing work. I'm really hard working and sometimes I work about 16 hrs a day. Now I can't even seem to concentrate for five minutes. I understand the overwhelming part and believe me I feel like it's getting harder to deal with it.

 

He hasn't called once since we broke up and I don't know if he will ever call. To me it seems like he's already moved on while I'm still waiting to see if will change his mind. I know a dumb * * *, but I can't help what I feel inside. Today I'm going out with some friends and even then I still don't feel like going out. I find myself constantly checking my phone to see if he has called, but nothing.

 

I want to show up at his house to pick up my things but at the same time I'm scared to do it, because it would be like I'm accepting its final. I don't think I'm ready to face the truth yet. I know is dumb to think that if I pick up my things, it will release him from feeling bad about breaking up with me. Some people say that if he hasn't asked for me to get my things that I shouldn't pick them up. I don't know what to think anymore and I'm going crazy.

 

Doyle, just like you I drive in a terrible silence because everything reminds me of him. Like I said before he was my world and now I feel so lost without him.

[doyle]

you know what i am finding the hardest right now is the NC. I feel like I am validating her feelings for leaving by not contacting her. does that make sense? she said that she left because she did not get the communication, or the connection on a deeper level. The first week of our break up, i would e-mail her all my feelings and my regrets...but if you read any books or have knowledge about the grieving process we go through the begging or bargining.

 

so, all that i said to her i think she took as my begging for her to come back. I want to tell her so bad that is not the case...those are my feelings straight from the heart. Am i reinforcing the fact that she made the her decsion by NC?

 

I am leaving for a week and she is going to pick her stuff up when i am gone...I am not even looking forward to this trip, and it is sad because it is something that usally makes me happy....hmmmm, whatever that emotion looks like, i forgot!

[doyle]

well it is morning again and same thing woke up thinking about her, i have been having the same thoughts every morning, she is going to figure this out and call me or in some magical surrender she will come back...

 

I go to sleep with regret and wake up with regret...it is starting to get out of control, It is the only thing that i think about in the morning, day and night.

 

I am leaving for a week tonight, and while i am gone she is going to move her stuff out of the apartment, into her new place...all i can think about is who is helping her move out? I am starting to feel really jealous and paranoid, of who is she hanging out with.....how do i turn all this engery into focusing on me? It has been a month and i still can not accept that it is over....

[Oldboy]

well it is morning again and same thing woke up thinking about her, i have been having the same thoughts every morning, she is going to figure this out and call me or in some magical surrender she will come back...

 

Doyle we all have fantasies about the return of a loved one and how it will happen. It's natural to want in this way. The same way we used to fantisize about being a famous sportsman.

 

I go to sleep with regret and wake up with regret...it is starting to get out of control, It is the only thing that i think about in the morning, day and night.

 

stop thinking think about other things focus on what you are doing to get to work in the morning :shaving, cleaning your teeth etc. Get the thoughts out of your head. Read a book and focus on the words until you are falling asleep.

Nothing you think about will change her mind. She will change her mind.

 

I am leaving for a week tonight, and while i am gone she is going to move her stuff out of the apartment, into her new place...all i can think about is who is helping her move out? I am starting to feel really jealous and paranoid, of who is she hanging out with.....how do i turn all this engery into focusing on me? It has been a month and i still can not accept that it is over....

 

Doyle do not be jealous this will cause you the worst pain. It is the jealousy that causes the roiling in the pit of your being that you are feeling now. If you love this person there is no jealousy in your heart.

If you cannot accept that it is over then don't but in the meantime get on with healing yourself.

If you want her to love you then be a strong person for her to love.

I feel you are being needy. Remember you do not need anyone but yourself. A child needs. And until a child becomes an adult and is able to go out into the world the child will always need.

You are out in the world now and you need no-one but yourself. You got yourself your job and you dress yourself in the morning. You only think you need another person... you don't.

Find yourself again. Be yourself once more. The self you were when you were set free into the world.

You were free then and you are free again. Find the person who did not need her before.

There is so much pain and hurt in this world. You are part of this world and you now feel the pain. You have given so much of yourself to this person this is obvious. Take it back. Don't let her take it away with her it's yours. She can have it back when she wants it.

You are not a whole being anymore you are letting her keep to much of you what you need for yourself to let yourself heal.

LET yourself heal. Give yourself time. Get back out in the world.

[GottaLetItBurn]

you not crazy you just have feelings and you don't want to let go. Just like everyone else. you will have days where you feel absolutly like your not even really your normal self, and days where you feel a little stonger.

 

It is going to take time, don't worry, you will get over her many months down the road. If you stay away, calling will make thing 10 times worse.

[doyle]

old boy...I agree I maybe needy, and insecure...not only did i lose the person that i love; i lost my best friend. I am being needy because I did not give the relationship what it needed, I never told her how much i loved her and that she meant to me. That is what plays in my head every morning...

 

at this point i am not sure how to switch my focus from her to me...trust me i would like to heal, i am sick of feeling like i am in a haze all day. I have not found comfort in myself.... I think that rejection does that to you.

[need2bme]

WOW, oldboy, what a post. I liked it and it does make me think. However, isn't there a little bit of a grieving period. I still am acting like a kid as well. I guess I too became a little needy. I know that now. I am sure Doyle does too.

 

It may be all we know right now. I hate the fact that I had to put everything in her. She even mentioned that I needed to go out and find myself. She mentioned that we had both lost respect for each other. Translation; she lost respect for me.

 

There is a lot I want to do and I guess I thought the end all, be all, was just to be in love with her.

 

Thanks you guys, ya'll keep me going.