Some advice needed please. Thanks.

[TheRock]

Hello,

I have been dating this girl for over six months now. She has been twice divorced and has a 3 year-old girl.

I enjoy her company very much and we get along well, and sexually it is a great fit.

The problem is that I feel the child puts a wall between us (or me). I am not too attached to the child and sometimes do not like being around her.

I also just want to have a good time and go out sometimes, which is not possible baecause of the child. We do get one or two days a week when the baby spends the night with the father.

I care very much for this woman, but I don't think I love her . I always wanted a family, but I don't see myself in this kind of family.

I am in my mid thirties and would not mind settling down.

There are positives to this relationship like our personality mix, but the other things (child and divorced twice) prevent me from lowering the walls.

What advice can you give? It would be appreciated.

Thanks.

[hk87]

Considering your age and the fact you are having doubts, my advice would be to get out. You don't think you love her, you want to have fun, you don't really get on with her. These to me are three big No Nos. This may sound harsh, but maybe you are more compatible as friends?

 

Hk87

[TheRock]

I actually get along with her very well. The other two points are valid though. Sometimes I think it is OK to enjoy the relationship as long as it lasts, even though I do not think it will lead to marraige. Is there anything wrong with that? I wondered about that becuase I am not sure what she thinks. She did indicate once that she loves me. And I wonder if she wants a father figure for her daughter.

[babypink61]

You need to talk to your partner and see where she thinks this relationship is headed. Since she has a child I'm guessing she's going to want someone that will be around for the long-run. If you're not ready for having her lil girl in your life right now then you need to let her know that and you guys can decide what you guys will need to do . . .

[nicorette]

i know you care about her and its fun being around her, do you think this problem can be solved? if so, then i think you shoudl give it a chance. if the problem cant be solved i definetly think you shoudl get out and find a woman whom you DO love and dont have major problems liek this with good luck

[Daddy Bear]

You don't think you love her, you want to have fun, you don't really get on with her. These to me are three big No Nos.

ok, so #3 is no problem, but another thing that i do see as a warning is the fact that you appear to be having difficulty accepting her daughter into your life. i think you should be up front about your feelings on marriage and let this woman decide whether or not she wants to continue with things they way they are. she may not have a problem with that at all, but you owe it to yourselves to talk about it.

[itsallgrand]

Eeks. I think you should move on, for all the reasons outlined already.

 

She's already said she loves you....so, yeah, I'm betting she wants you around for a long time here....that, and the fact she has her daughter around you.

 

If she was just looking for fun, she'd leave her daughter out of it (at least I would think a reasonable person would do so).

 

Am I the only one who finds this all a bit icky? That poor little girl. What in the world is she doing bring the bfs around the kid for?

 

that's my 2 cents. I think this will just get messier, unless you can honestly say you can see a future with this woman and her child (and all the rest that goes with it).

 

tc

[TheRock]

Yes, that is probably the biggest no no. I am having trouble accepting her daughter into my life. There has been no real bonding despite the length of time we have been dating. Sometimes I think it is because she is only a three year old, but then I think about my nieces and nephews. I see them less than my girlfriends daughter, but they are more affectionate depite this. I think that has something to do with it.

As for my girfriend, we share many of the same interests and enjoy each others company. We are great friends. I have not figured out exactly why my walls are not lowered. And I wonder if she has some walls up too, but that is another story.

Any thoughts about her being divorved twice. Is that a red flag? I hear so much about divorce rates etc.

[nicorette]

Any thoughts about her being divorved twice. Is that a red flag? I hear so much about divorce rates etc.

 

i think that in some cases, stuf like that just happens. i dotn know this woman, but to me it seems like it could be a red flag. you dont love her, the kid and you not getting along is a MAJOR problem. i wouldtn waste my time with her if i were you. im sure shes a very nice person but these problems will unlikely ever change.

[TheRock]

As for the point about the point about the poor little girl, I think it us unfair to me and my girfriend. This is an adult relationship and she loves her little girl very much and I treat her little girl with lots of respect. I think she is raising her child very well for a single mother. I also don't think it is appropriate to hide boyfriends from her little girl, especially after 7 months. Her mother has a life too. However, that is part of my dilemma. She does not want to bring a parade of boyfriends through her litle girls life, but I am not sure I am the one to be there my whole life.

[itsallgrand]

She does not want to bring a parade of boyfriends through her litle girls life, but I am not sure I am the one to be there my whole life.

 

Exactly. That's my point. This is not just between two adults: there is a child who will be impacted as well.

 

She may not have bonded very tightly to you yet, but she will notice if/when you are suddenly gone.

 

I'm glad you're taking it seriously. I guess it's up to you to consider if this is right for all of you. If it's not, it would probably be best to end it now.

 

good luck

[TheRock]

Thanks for the clarification, and I do care enough about both of them to figure this thing out. That is part of the reason why I am here on this site.

 

Another thing I wanted to ask is if anyone thinks my feelings could change over time. Or should I have felt stronger at this point in the relationship? That might be another way of looking at it.

 

So far, most of the advice is leaning towards ending it. However, it is easier to say than to do.

[friscodj]

I always wanted a family, but I don't see myself in this kind of family.

 

Your answer sir...

[TheRock]

Insightful point.

[Momene]

You're right that it's a lot easier to bond with some children than others, although I've always found it quite easy, especially since becoming a dad myself.

 

As for being divorced twice, you need to know the circumstances of both. People get divorced for all sorts of reasons but a common one is that when the honeymoon period is over, they seek attention elsewhere when they get bored.

 

Another one is that people change over time. For example, if she married an alcoholic, it's a bad choice but if he became an alcoholic later, it would not be her fault.