If unable to NC then what???

[blueboo]

Been separated for almost 2 months now from my wife. I had to move to another state and start over because I was such a wreck after she left me, I just couldn't stay there anymore. I started the NC approach to help me to maybe start to heal but everytime I try she calls me 2-3 days later. They are not calls about how I miss or love you but calls about money and health so I can't not ignore these calls. I try to keep them short as possible and resolve them but she keeps calling about something new. However, sometimes I think she is calling when I been silent for the past 2-3 days because she misses me, but she uses things like her car is having problems or she feels sick and wants to know what she needs to do, to force me in a situation where I have to be contact with her till the situation is resolved. Lately she has even gotten more sinister about it. She will call and if I don't answer, she will later call me on her office number which is caller Id blocked so I will have no idea who is calling and I love her too much to be rude and just hang up when I hear her voice. She will even slip in a love you or miss you in the middle of a 2-3 min conversation before I am able to slip off the phone. The sad part however is that the girl that is talking to me is not the woman I fell in love with but is the stuck up that tossed me away like garage for a couple of "friends" that she barely knew for a month and what kills me is once in awhile she will revert back to my love on a call but on the next one be this other person. I even told her that I wanted her to stop calling unless it is a emergency but then she will call and when I remind her she will claim she forgot.

 

I am simply stuck at step one. Everytime I begin to feel better she calls and back to step one I go. Pain and suffering are such good friends of mine now I no longer charge them rent and they even brought their friends depression and insommnia. She just won't let me NC her.

[Big Daddy]

I had a similar problem that spanned years and girlfriends. My parents would keep giving her my new numbers. You have to ignore her at some point. She has decides she can take care of herself, so let her. They are her problems now and her problems alone.

[robowarrior]

Dear blueboo , how can one make a step forward if one is glued to his past? Instead of looking for a solution in the future , look backwards and ask yourself what went wrong, if you find that out you can move towards the root of your problem and solve it.

 

You may begin by telling us(if your comfortable with it) exactly what went wrong in your marriage in the first place instead of merely stating the aftermath of your situation here.

[teacup]

u say, "woman, im not your pillow"

 

get thee to hell.

 

works betta than fryin' an egg on a hot summer sidewalk says i.

[blueboo]

Well what went wrong in my opinion with us I believe was quite simple. When we first got married we shared lots of friends and were always busy doing things. The joke was we went to work during the week to recover from our weekends. Anyways almost 9 months ago, I quit my job in order to go back to school. We were in a situation were I could and she had known from the beginning since we first started dating that my plan was to finish my college degree. So I go back to school after a epic move that transplanted us in a entirely new area. Many can atest to the fact that the life of a college student is mundane and filled with study and homework. I left all my friends and family so I could get this degree so we could have a better life. She stayed bitter for a time that she had to leave her family and old friends. Then she got a job and started to make friends with all girls there. They all happened to all be single so they would want to go out on a friday or saturday night. She would go out and I would be home doing homework. I couldn't afford to do much with her because I went back to school full time and still hadn't been able to find a part time at least. Well as time goes on she becomes more and more distant, coming home later and later and with her working full time and me doing school full time and most I would get to see her on a weekday was maybe no more then a hour and never would see her on the weekend. She just come up to me one sunday and goes I am no longer in love with you and she wanted a divorce.

 

 

Simple terms: I think she got bored with me.

[Big Daddy]

Hmm.. So be it then. If this is the level of bad that can drive her away, how in the world will you get through really tough times.

[DN]

I have edited your post - please follow the forum rule regarding language.

 

It seems to me that you should simply tell her to stop calling you unless it is a bona fide emergency. If it is not then terminate the conversation.

 

Has she actually filed the papers for a divorce?

[Siriana]

I have something new for you: why the hell do you think you should give her support if her car brokes down, if she's sick and so. She's your ex wife. That's non of your business anymore. basically if the car is broken: there are mechanics to fix it, if she doesn't know where to take it - she can ask someone else, if she's sick she goes to the doctor, if she has money problems than she should work and start beeing more wise in finantial planning.....

Looks like she doesn't understand the concept of divorce. Or she understands only when it's convinient to her.

Just tell her that she can't expect any help from you anymore.

 

And yes, if you find someone new (and you will in time) than how do you think your partner will react when she finds out that you are helping your ex wife in everyday situations!

[blueboo]

Opps sorry about the language. Stopped thinking as I was typing for a sec

 

 

As far as for filing papers I have no idea. If she did, she hasn't told me.

 

She's your ex wife. That's non of your business anymore

 

It is just my personality I guess and how I feel about her. I told her before she is my queen and I am a loyal knight. She isn't my ex wife yet, and I will treat her as my wife, I will love and support all I can. But if she does become my ex wife then I will no longer support her and have no obligations towards her.

 

She does work full time and supports her self ....mostly. As for her car.....technical I signed for the car so it is mine under name...so anything that has to be done for it I have to approve.

[DN]

Perhaps you should be the one to file - make her think about the consequences of what she is doing and to let her know that you won't stand still for any games playing.

[Bethany]

This isn't about her and what she wants anymore. She has made a decision and now she needs to stick by it. The more she contacts you, the more she stops you from healing and moving on.

I understand that you miss her and don't want to cut all contact or are afraid that she will stop missing you or not want you back but what you are doing is just dragging this out and letting her hold you back and if this carries on, nothing will be resolved or change. She will just keep on playing with your feelings and you know it.

 

For your own peace and healing you should do what DN told you to do and that's tell her not to call you anymore unless it's an emergency or this situation could go on for a very long time, up until she meets someone else for example and then where will you be? Stop this game playing now.

[Mr Mister1]

It is just my personality I guess and how I feel about her. I told her before she is my queen and I am a loyal knight. She isn't my ex wife yet, and I will treat her as my wife, I will love and support all I can. But if she does become my ex wife then I will no longer support her and have no obligations towards her.

 

Ah yes the issue about still caring about someone even when they're mean and hurtful to you. I swear being kind and caring can be a curse sometimes.

Would you want her back at all?

Well either way you should tell her that if she doesn't want to be with you anymore then she has to stop depending on you and demanding things from you. Unless she suddenly wants to make things work again (and you also want that) then she's gotta take responsibility for her actions and leave you alone!

[searching1951]

I think she is going through a midlife crisis.

I think your best recourse is to do total NC by not answering any

of her calls, and not answering any of the id blocked calls (let her

leave a message, and reply in email if you must). If you must talk to her, be business like,

neutrally compassionate ("i am sorry to hear that" is ok but no "Omigosh, you poor thing" etc), don't respond to any "i love you's"

(just ignore them)

and give her a time limit.

I would suggest that you consult a good attorney and begin

the process of serving her with papers (if you can mediate

its best). This will put the fear of god in her.

 

She is not thinking about what she is doing.

If you are separated, and can maximize NC,

are firm and move forward

I predict that she will eventually

come back to you..in a year or two.

 

If you want to know what a real divorce feels like sometime I'll

tell you my story. Yours involves some kind of identity crisis.

[toughtime]

I agree with Mr.Mister1...

 

Would you even WANT her back? She lost your trust by doing what she did..and that is something that is not easy to gain back. She could do this to you at any time again..or something similar if you were with her again.

 

Think hard about whether she is really worth it.