How long to do NC

[luvnbeluved]

How long do you all recommend doing NC for? I DO want to get back together with my ex and I was planning on sending her a short note telling her I want to discuss some things, along with some flowers. It has been 5 weeks since the breakup, I emailed her and called her a couple times in the first week, then started the NCing. Ive been NCing for about 31 days now. Any avice on how long I should NC her before trying to reestablish communication? Or if Im going about this the right way? By the way: She was the one that broke up with me. She didn't like my temper, which I have worked on in the last month and realize I was wrong. I know she was really mad at me, I hope she has cooled down.

[Demond34]

If you feel you're strong enough to open up the communication lines without bringing the topic of "us" up then do it. Maybe shoot her an email, but make it brief and don't mention how you've changed. But be warned you might not get a response or a response you might not like. Just make sure you can handle that.

[melrich]

If you look at what NC is recommended for (healing yourself) then the advice would be to continue NC until you are over the person and can deal with contact on a platonic level.

 

In your case, you want her back so you cannot follow that course. You may as well stop now and contact her. It been 31 days, doesn't look like she's going to make any contact so if you are going to pursue her you better get on the phone.

[SarahRose]

This is an amazing thread! My first post here!

 

It has answered lots of my questions and worries about nc.

 

My bf and I haven't broken up. I feel he is taking me for granted and being ambivalent about things.

 

I asked him if he would come here to my country for a visit as I usually go there. I was all excited about him being able to come here sometime this year but no, he replies probably not. The flight is too long and blah blah excuses. I said but I would really like it a lot. No reply to that from him so I got angry. I told him I was angry and I was logging off. This was a few days ago and I haven't contacted him since.

 

What if he writes me and says something like does this mean we are over? Or if he asks if I am mad at him?

 

Do I just ignore his messages?

 

What are the kinds of things he should be doing or saying for me to know he really wants me and isn't going to be taking me for granted anymore?

 

It seems like if he makes amends to me and a meaningful amends would it be ok to start talking to him again to work things out?

 

Thanks everyone!

[luvnbeluved]

It sounds like your situation is a bit different since I am assuming you are having a long distance relationship with this guy. Just let me tell you I think any long distance relationship is extremely difficult, not that it wont work, but eventually you need to spend time together and if youre not there for months ...... well, But I would talk to him, ask him some serious questions, he said he doesnt want to see you when he does travel to THIS COUNTRY, I would say that is a pretty big sign that he may not be the one for you. He should be saying yes I am so looking forward to seeing you, its been too long , i love you, you see? I dont know him but, I think you should consider not dating long distance, ive never had success with that for long periods.

[luvnbeluved]

I misread youre question the first time. sorry about that. I think he may be just so comfortable with you going to see him that he would rather have you do that. Is he paying for the ticket? If he is then why dont you go see him? It costs alot to travel and if hes paying for you, he likes you very much. If you want him to come see you, then you need to tell him why. Why? to meet youre family? To meet your friends? You need to ask yourself, Do I want to marry him? Because if you do, it sounds like you will be living in his country. Do you want that? E mail me if you have any other questions.

[SarahRose]

Thanks! He says he doesn't want to come here because the flight is too long and too expensive. Total travel time is around 30 hours to get there.

 

It is hard for me to get enough time off work to go to make it worth the trip. I make a lot more than he does as I am employed. He has unemployment. He can leave his country for up to 13 weeks an not lose any money. I can provide a ticket.

 

As for living in his country, I love it there and would move there.

 

How are you doing with your situation? I wonder how long is enough if you do want to keep the relationship. We aren't even broken up. I just started no contact because of his negative answer to my asking him to come here question and for his general wishy washy attitude.