I got Traits of Borderline Personality Disorder..

[candygirlnj19666]

I'm Candy from South NJ, 39 and I have MANY traits of Borderline Personality Disorder but have never been diagnosed. I thought I was just depressed until I saw the symptoms of BPD on another site and my jaw dropped. It was like looking into a mirror because many MANY symptoms of BPD are exactly what I have been suffering from over 20 years now. I can't believe I have found information on my problem that I could never find a name for.

 

My symptoms I have been suffering from include intense and constant fear of abandonment/rejection, mood swings on a daily basis that can change many times within one hour even, I see things in either one extreme or the other for instance with friends if they say one negative or bad thing about me, I will then go from seeing them as my best friend to seeing them as evil incarnate. I often think my friends don't give enough or help me enough. I have terrible interpersonal friendships with people. I have also felt like I am no one, I suffer from terrible self esteem so I don't know who I am, I feel ignored all the time and hate being ignored very much. I fly into bursts of anger for no reason and feel terrible afterward. I have a very bad temper. I have been suicidal many times. I seek attention because I hate being alone! When I am left alone online for instance I think my friends don't like me or that they are going to leave me.

 

Four years ago after being suicidal, depressed, suffering panic/anxiety attacks among other symptoms I was given samples of Paxil CR and had very brief therapy which was free by the state. I do not drive and my twin sister simply refused to take me to the free therapy

anymore. You can imagine how I felt..I had no other way of getting there not even by bus. Taxi would have been way too expensive.

 

When I was on Paxil CR life was terrific! I was very very mellow, I didn't suffer from feeling a million different emotions all in the space of an hour, no feeling rage one minute or feeling happy the next..I was completely level and content. I could think very clearly, no mental fog, I didn't have any fears of intense abandonment, I just felt normal for the first time in my life. The free samples ran out and I moved to my parents place where I still am now. I once again when I was off the medication didn't seek help at all and have

 

been living a crappy life. I always quit my jobs! I can't keep one! I have been out of work for 2 years now. I feel no motivation to do anything it seems. The only reason why I've felt a need to seek help after 3 years or so again is because I felt suicidal again and I prayed. I know if I don't get help...I feel I could be successful with suicide. I did call a local mental health center so hopefully I can get on their waiting list!

 

I'm determined to get help because I'm sick of being crazy, sick of hurting friends and I'm sick of my life being at a standstill.

 

I had a huge fight the other day with my best friend, we parted ways (although I have chatted with her since very briefly both times) and I had feelings of rage towards her even wanting to hurt her in my mind.

 

Thanks for listening..not sure what else to say. I'm a very friendly person and wanting to chat with others. Please feel free to message me on msn messenger or email. I just need to vent or talk to others.

[Süsser Tod]

Borderline personality and bipolar disorders are very similar, it is one of those disorders that are quite hard to tell eachother, because they share many symptoms.

 

First of all, no one in here is going to be able to help you like a true psychiatrist. Second, you need professional help, it is not an easy disorder to deal with.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I agree with Tod - maybe it's time you see a professional.

[Relationship Coach]

Get professional help, we can offer you all of the support here in the world but get help first. If meds worked for you, I'm sure you'll be feeling better real soon.

 

RC

[Ians Mommy]

Hey. I'm not sure if you live in Camden County or not but theres a thing called CamCare about 2 blocks from Cooper Hospital. I'm pretty sure they have free help there if you need it. Plus, it's basically right on the NJ Transit rail line thing (the new train thing they started a few years ago.. I can't remember what it's called lol)

 

I'm from South Jersey too so if you would like some help trying to find help, just PM me.

[Tigris]

Go and see a doctor straight away so you can be diagnosed.

 

Good luck and take care.

[Managor]

I don't think I can add anything that others haven't already said. You should see a professional, and since it sounds like the medication worked really well for you in the past, getting back on it seems like a great idea. It's good to hear you took the initiative to call the mental health centre.

[candygirlnj19666]

Thanks guys! I am NOT expecting professional help from ANYONE here but i posted this to VENT my feelings. A friend recommended me to do this and it's helpful that's all... I am in the process like I said to seek professional help