I'm Candy from South NJ, 39 and I have MANY traits of Borderline Personality Disorder but have never been diagnosed. I thought I was just depressed until I saw the symptoms of BPD on another site and my jaw dropped. It was like looking into a mirror because many MANY symptoms of BPD are exactly what I have been suffering from over 20 years now. I can't believe I have found information on my problem that I could never find a name for.
My symptoms I have been suffering from include intense and constant fear of abandonment/rejection, mood swings on a daily basis that can change many times within one hour even, I see things in either one extreme or the other for instance with friends if they say one negative or bad thing about me, I will then go from seeing them as my best friend to seeing them as evil incarnate. I often think my friends don't give enough or help me enough. I have terrible interpersonal friendships with people. I have also felt like I am no one, I suffer from terrible self esteem so I don't know who I am, I feel ignored all the time and hate being ignored very much. I fly into bursts of anger for no reason and feel terrible afterward. I have a very bad temper. I have been suicidal many times. I seek attention because I hate being alone! When I am left alone online for instance I think my friends don't like me or that they are going to leave me.
Four years ago after being suicidal, depressed, suffering panic/anxiety attacks among other symptoms I was given samples of Paxil CR and had very brief therapy which was free by the state. I do not drive and my twin sister simply refused to take me to the free therapy
anymore. You can imagine how I felt..I had no other way of getting there not even by bus. Taxi would have been way too expensive.
When I was on Paxil CR life was terrific! I was very very mellow, I didn't suffer from feeling a million different emotions all in the space of an hour, no feeling rage one minute or feeling happy the next..I was completely level and content. I could think very clearly, no mental fog, I didn't have any fears of intense abandonment, I just felt normal for the first time in my life. The free samples ran out and I moved to my parents place where I still am now. I once again when I was off the medication didn't seek help at all and have
been living a crappy life. I always quit my jobs! I can't keep one! I have been out of work for 2 years now. I feel no motivation to do anything it seems. The only reason why I've felt a need to seek help after 3 years or so again is because I felt suicidal again and I prayed. I know if I don't get help...I feel I could be successful with suicide. I did call a local mental health center so hopefully I can get on their waiting list!
I'm determined to get help because I'm sick of being crazy, sick of hurting friends and I'm sick of my life being at a standstill.
I had a huge fight the other day with my best friend, we parted ways (although I have chatted with her since very briefly both times) and I had feelings of rage towards her even wanting to hurt her in my mind.
Thanks for listening..not sure what else to say. I'm a very friendly person and wanting to chat with others. Please feel free to message me on msn messenger or email. I just need to vent or talk to others.
