need advice

[vjg13]

I have been in a 6 year relationship. 2 years ago my girlfriend left me. It was devestating. I tried so hard to get her back I did so much nice things it had no effect. I called so much that she changed her cell number. I left the state. Once I arrived there I felt so bad and so far from her I called her house number and just made it worse. She just kept saying the same things leave here alone. Something told me though that she had met someone else that's why everything was so sudden. For the first time ever in our relationship I went one week without calling her. When I did she seemed more calm. She told me that she loved the sound of my voice she said she had asked her mom why I wasn't calling no more. I was gone one month and called once a week. I found out she had met someone else. She said it didn't feel the same being around him. She said she felt guilty even though she shouldn't. I seen her the day I got back and everthing got better again.

 

Last year we went through a really bad week where we both missed each others birthdays. A week later the same thing happened. She said she is done with me she doesn't need me or love me anymore. Again I found out that she had met someone and was talking to them. This time I didn't come on so strong but I was still there as a friend. Again things got better but we were still officially friends even though we were closer this time then ever before.

 

Just last month she met new friends at one point I worked 2 jobs and didn't see her for a whole month. She kept telling me to quit and that she missed me. As soon as I did to spend more time with her she started being with her new friends all the time. I could tell that I was going to lose her for a third time. Everything happened the same. She said the same things. I don't know this time for sure if it's someone else but both other times it was so I'm guessing it is again. This time though I can't even get near her. I think there is no hope.

 

It seems that when she first leaves me there is a chance but I keep pressuring and pushing her further back. Everytime this has happened she tells me to give her time and I never do. She says "you never know maybe it might be me chasing after you." Ive never let that happen. I keep pushing and then it turns into "I'll never come back no matter what" One month ago she said she loves me and she thanked me for always being there for her and that she would always be there for me no matter what. Now she says she doesn't love me. How do you turn love off overnight?

 

I think i've blown it. I think the first time she left I should have been strong and let her come back on her own. Now it's the 3rd time and I feel I forced her back the other 2 times. She even tells me to be a man about it. I think she sees me as very weak and that is unattractive to her. I know giving her time would have been the best thing before because the other 2 times she wasn't going out much. But now she goes out every week and is probably having so much fun that not even time apart will work now. I don't know I wish I could let go.

 

The only time i kind of let go was the time I didn't talk to her for a week and that did have an effect that was the 1st time she left me. I haven't been able to do that again though.

[bebecole]

you just need to keep your mind off of it.. b/c if you keep on thinking about it, its just gona make it worse.

if you need to move you should use the nc method(no contact).

i think its the only way to move on.. if she wants to be with you she will come to you, until then you need to keep busy!!!

if you keep calling, You are going to push her away..

take time to your self, and she'll come around if she really loves you..

she just needs her space..

dont worry about if shes out having fun, b/c your gona go crazy thinking about what shes doing all the time..

to keep your mind off of it you should go out with some of your buddys, or go visit and hang out with the family..

[Broken83]

So, she broke up with you, you are left crushed, and whenever she's out of new boyfriends she's playing with your mind... When you began to get a hold of your life with new job, she tells you she wants you to quit... You do it and she's acting distand again? Man, I hate to tell you that, but she's not willing to see you progress in your life. She's only holding you back...

 

She wants you to be her "pet" sort of speak, to have you for her personal reassurance.

 

I'm sorry for being blunt, but you deserve better than that. No matter how much you love her, you DO deserve better. Cut her off your life completely, assume it's over for good and get out there... there are many other girls out there that are waiting to meet and fall in love with you, in the way you want someone to love you... Hope things go well with you....

[stolenshadow]

It seems that when she first leaves me there is a chance but I keep pressuring and pushing her further back. Everytime this has happened she tells me to give her time and I never do.

 

You are basically saying that when she has used you and thrown you away you shouldn't complain, instead you should take it and wait to see if she gets dumped and returns because, no matter what she does you don't believe you deserve better.

 

 

She says "you never know maybe it might be me chasing after you." Ive never let that happen.

 

Of course not, and she "flatters" you from time to time so you stick around for more.

There is nothing healthy in chasing another person and she knows it.

 

 

I keep pushing and then it turns into "I'll never come back no matter what" One month ago she said she loves me and she thanked me for always being there for her and that she would always be there for me no matter what. Now she says she doesn't love me. How do you turn love off overnight?

 

You keep pushing because you haven't learnt how to control yourself. She is not interested, she would rather be with other guys than you, she is selfish and cruel yet you can't see it and want to believe that by always being there to pick her up she will eventually realize she loves you more than any other guy.

 

Look, if this girl wasn't worthless I would suggest you to improve your self-esteem and work on having a nice relationship with her but the fact is she's toxic, she uses you to feel better, and you shouldn't allow it.

You deserve to be loved, not to be played with, do NC, you will feel like you are dying inside for a while but then you will be free and your life will look better than ever.

 

Don't take her back, even if she begs, cries, promises to change, even if she tells you she wants to marry you and will never look at another guy again, you have to see this girl is not good for anybody, you can have a good relationship with a good person who cares about you.

[madppiper]

Well,

I'm personally quite new to this entire forum. But speaking from my experience I can say that girls are never ever attracted to something they can have anytime they want. She enjoys you being there for her and yes, she still likes you...

 

but look at it this way: Of course you like something you don't have to work for , but you can't love it. It's plain simple really: A guy/girl can't love the person that kisses his/her * * *... and you're just doing that right now.

 

Do yourself a favor and get her out of your system. Start dating immediately! If there is a chance of you two being together again, this is the only way to make it happen : by showing her how much she actually depends on you and how well YOU can live without her (even though that may not be the truth)

 

I am personally in the same situation btw, but at least I got myself dating again pretty soon. I stil think of my wifey every day and night and it hurts not to call, mail, text or whatever her... I've written songs... had pretty rough nights... destructing times of myself partying too much to overplay my pain... But you know what? I will make sure that she won't ever know about it. You know why? Because thats the only way to make her come back... and if she doesn't I will have to live with it anyhow, as should you.

 

Now get back on your feet, soldier! Go out, stop surfing the internet and rather meet a new gal in person! You know what? Skip through your address book and call up all girls you know. Say you want to go out for dinner... do that and take them to a party this weekend. It won't keep you from thinking bout your ex, but it'll make time pass faster and may get you actually closer to what you really want!

[vjg13]

I've been thinking about that shadow. If she does call during nc I'm wondering if I should even pick up. She has done so much to me even her family has told me that I should not put up with it. I always think "if you love someone you're supposed to be forgiving" right? I hate this because if she does realize she needs me I would want to take her back so bad. I know nc can do that especially when someone like me was so needy it bothers them that your attention is not there. If I could have been more like that before this point then she would have acted different a long time ago. She has always known that I would be there no matter what. I never made her fear the thought of me leaving for good and now that she's seeing someone else I don't think it would make much of a difference.

[stolenshadow]

If she does call you ignore her, you don't pick up, you don't ever answer, she will use all sorts of tricks to get ANY response, she will try to make you angry, she will guilt trip you, she will say you abandoned her, but you should never ever answer.

 

I had the same dilemma than you, I thought I was unforgiving, I felt cheated on (even if it wasn't properly that) and I kept telling myself I should forgive the cheater because I loved him, but I discovered I was betraying myself, I didn't want a relationship with a cheater, I was trying to pass a bad behavior for a good thing, it got to a point where I almost believed he had cheated for my own good!, I accepted reality, I could forgive but I couldn't live with a person who didn't respect me.

 

Yes, she will want you back, to feed her ego, to take the worse of her, to tolerate her bad attitude, and when that source of power (you) is gone she will be confronted with herself, that's why she's going to do anything to try to pull you back, please, don't allow her to succeed, you are not her admirer, she's not better than you, it's time to see her as the human full of flaws that she really is.

 

She's not a normal girl who knows you won't leave her, she is manipulative, she likes having control over you and, more importantly, she ABUSES your feelings, you have to recover your life, she cannot control you, YOU control yourself.

 

If she's seeing another person then yes, she won't care that you are not around, but you have to be ready, because when that other person gets tired of her she will run to you, and you have to be very strong, you cannot give that woman anything else, she didn't appreciate you, now she will have to learn to live with the consequences, but, you are not doing this to give her a lesson, you are going to do it for you, because you are a valuable person who will stand up for himself.

 

You are in charge now, make the most of it.

[vjg13]

well ive done 4 days of nc I cried on the 3rd for the 1st time since we broke up about 1 month ago. I haven't cried before because I was still calling or texting every once in a while. I looked forward to that even though I never got the kind of response I wanted. But now during nc I know there is nothing to look forward to and it hurts sometimes. The first time she left me I cried everyday and just stayed in my room. This time I'm hardly home but it still hurts.

 

I feel like breaking nc after 1 week, because that's the longest we've ever gone without talking, and telling her how I feel one last time and asking if we can fix this. I don't know if it's such a good idea though.

 

She lives down the street from me so I'm pretty sure she is seeing someone else. It sucks because I have to pass by and see her gone till like 2 or 3 in the morning if im out late. I think she has slept with someone and the thought of that makes it even harder to know if I want her back after that or not. We are not together and I can't complain. But then I hear people say on here that you should not sell yourself short for 2nd best. I don't know what to do.

[stolenshadow]

Do not contact her, you gave her too many chances.

See it like a different kind of challenge, wait to see how you feel after 10 days of NC, then 15, 20 and so on.

 

The first days are the worse, but you DO have something to look forward to and that's feeling okay without her, imagine the day when you are no longer going to care if you see she's not home at 4am, imagine how nice it's going to feel to be okay if she doesn't call, imagine how in control you are going to feel when you don't get an urge to phone or to answer her calls.

 

It's okay if from time to time you find yourself thinking about taking her back but you cannot allow the thoughts to stay with you, she's not the one who left, this time YOU left her, you can do better, you gave her more than she deserved and you will be perfectly okay without her.

 

If she calls and asks for yet another chance she won't be doing you a favour, but you will do a favour to yourself by keeping her out of your life.

 

Hang in there, post here when you feel tempted to call her, you can and will get over her.