Visited the ex....now VERY confused :(

[chigal28]

Hello all....I've posted on this site for about 8-9 months, and the first month or so were about the guy who is now my ex, and a few months about initial problems with the guy I've been dating for about 5 months, which have pretty much been resolved.

 

Here's a thread that involves both, unfortunately.

 

I hadn't seen the ex basically since we broke up in January, with one trip over to his place to pick up my air mattress b/c my sister was coming for a visit. However, I had about 35 of the ex's CDs, and we spoke last Sunday, and decided that I would go over there and he would burn copies of them for me so he could have his back and I could still have the copies to listen to. Seemed like a good idea at the time. It had been 5 months, and I was 100% sure I was over him. Right? Who knows now?

 

I went over there Thursday, and you could've cut the sexual tension with a knife. Horrible. He was putting on the charm, too, and reminding me of all the good times we'd shared in *that* department. I had only expected to be there about 1.5 hours, but it really literally took 4.5 hours to burn everything. That whole time, he was trying to get me to bed w/him...he knows I'm dating someone, so he didn't actually really physically try to put any moves on me, but nonetheless I found myself *very* tempted and frustrated. I don't know why.

 

*note*

 

EX: Extremely good-looking (at least to me), charming, funny, never has a problem getting dates...wouldn't say he treated me like crap, at least not till the very end, but was at the very least neglectful and kinda took things for granted.

CURRENT BOYFRIEND: Very cute (to me)...a bigger guy, but has a great smile, and eyes....funny, smart, great writer (talent is HOT!), makes me feel very very very special, we have a fabulous time together, I feel completely secure, he definitely knows he wants us to have a life together, and I can *see* that happening. It would be awesome. I feel like I belong with him, and we do have a healthy sex life.

 

But I talked to one of my guy friends on Friday afternoon, and he said if this guy I'm with now were *the one*, I wouldn't have even felt *tempted* to do anything with the ex, even though I did walk away without doing anything. He says I wouldn't have even been tempted to. I think that's crap...if we were very attracted to someone in the past, why should that just go away? To me, the fact that I walked away and didn't act on it, that my current relationship is much more important to me, is what matters. What does everyone here think??!?!?!

 

And why can't I stop thinking about the ex now? I wouldn't want to get back together with him, because I honestly do remember how miserable I was and it's not even comparable to how happy and secure I feel now, BUT I can't stop picturing him, thinking about the *good* times we shared, etc. And I find myself getting annoyed with my boyfriend this weekend because he's *too* attentive and loving!!! It's like I needed the drama, I've been in therapy to realize the drama's not healthy, I've moved past it for the most part, and seeing the ex reminded me of what the drama was like....I just feel like on the surface at least, I'm not as wildly attracted to my bf as I was to my ex, but I am definitely attracted to him, and everything else is wonderful.

 

Any thoughts would be very very very welcome.

[nicorette]

just think about how your ex neglected you all those times when you guys were dating. you seem happy wtih your new guy. i think you are having doubts, but i think you shoudl stay far away from your ex. he seems to have an influence on you dating your new guy and your opinions. you guys broek up for a reason, and that reason is that he failed to meet your needs. defiently, do not call him. and if he calls you then dont answer.

[alyssajones]

It sounds like you love your current boyfriend, and that things are going well. I would class your current feelings for your ex as lust, as you are overlooking the reasons why he is your ex in the first place! Do what your heart tells you is right. Is it worth the risk of losing what you have now?

[chigal28]

Thank you both for your responses. I definitely would classify my feelings for my ex as lust, and I would *never* act on those feelings....definitely NOT worth losing/affecting my current relationship for. I love my bf very much, and if I could just whip my brain into shape and not have *any* more thoughts about the ex at all, which I'm working on, things will be fine. The way I'm trying to look at it is, my time, even the time I spend thinking about things, is precious, and he doesn't deserve any of it.

[Momene]

I don't think loving someone or being in love with someone stops you being attracted totally to anyone else. Mostly the attraction is superficial but sometimes it can get strong. I've had one or 2 strong attractions in 17 years of marriage and sometimes can't get them out of my head but I've resisted.