Can a guy be forgiven for being unaffectionate??

[navigator2001]

I've posted a few times about my situation, but I go through ups and down in how I'm feeling. My relationship of 3 years is now on a "break", and it seems that the major reason for this is that the relationship turned long distance back in January. In addition, I've always been a fairly unaffectionate person (not on purpose), and I think things have gotten to her and she needs time and space for the time being to think about things.

 

I never knew that me being unaffectionate was such a huge issue to her. We never really sat down and had a talk about how much this was bothering her. Over the course of 3 years, she had mentioned how I rarely say "I love you" but it never seemed to bother her much.

 

If I had known how much of a problem this was, I woudl have done anything in my power to change. I love this girl, and just had no idea I was being this way. And me being affectionate all of a sudden will hardly seem sincere.

 

When I look at it, I didn't ever cheat on her, treat her badly, or anything major. So I feel that this is definiteley something that we can work out, but I'm just not sure. I wish I knew what to do...

 

 

Nav

[DCMann2]

I'm actually in kind of the same situation as you. I tend to think that I wasn't affectionate enough with my ex, which is one of the reasons why she "fell out of love" with me, and I've been taking steps to improve myself to see if she'll want to give "us" another shot later on down the road, and if not, then I'll be a better person for my next relationship.

[friscodj]

I would write or tell her exactly what you wrote in your post...

[mikeca]

...my suggestion would be to do something really romantic, on a new "first date" im talking like movie-idea big as long as you can really back it up.

[HardShowingAffection]

Hey Navigator... women work on emotions... while us guys seem to drive on logic. The emotional part of a woman is something that you need to work on fulfilling and making sure she knows that.

 

For some good insight on the way women think, pick up "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It is a great book that opens your eyes up to some of the things that are important to women. Alot of things will really make sense after you read that, and will help you on your quest to filling her emotional 'love bank'.

 

I think it really helps to understand how women think, and for me, the best way to do that was to read up on it. It has made a huge difference for me. I thought like I thought, because I have done it that way for 27 years.... so it made sense to me. When I stepped out of my own shoes and looked at things differently, alot of pieces came together and made a whole lot of sense. At that point, you have to start taking what you have learned and really make it a part of your everyday life.

 

Good Luck!

[hmmansfield]

Men... I know it ain't easy. I think many women have been stuck with unaffectionate men inthe past. Until a few decades ago women didn't have a lot choices besides marriage... so affection was probably a trade-off for getting security because I don't think most men have been taught how to be affectionate.

 

But now things are so different... and men are probably a bit at a loss. If you want to be with a woman... yeah... you have to make more of an effort now to understand them.... read the books... Mar and Venus is great. Affection is super important to women... me included. My now ex-bf through himself into his work and became unaffectionate and neglected me, and I was pretty miserable with him.

 

Women have to learn to understand men too BUT IT IS HARD. Sometimes I get so frustrated... how hard is for a man to learn simple, new behaviors like:

 

1) Kissing your woman on the cheek at a stoplight.

2) Holding her hand while you are watching a movie.

3) Giving her a kiss on the neck while she is cooking.

4) Telling he she looks pretty.

 

It seems pretty simple to me and speaks volumes as to keeping your woman happy and appreciative. And when men don't do these things, we hurt. You may not understand it, but it is the way it is.

[nicorette]

i absolutely LOVE it when my boyfriend tells me how beautiful i look, when he brings me flowers just for no reason and kisses my forhead and tels me im cute. any of that. seriously, i think you should tell her what you told us (about how you can fix it) and if seh gives you a chance tell her what i just told you i loved. all of my girlfriends are jealous that i have a boyfriend who does these things. they always say "oh i wish my boyfriend would do soemthing liek that" i can understand her not wanting to be with someone who acts like they dotn care. even if you did care, it porbalby doesnt seem taht way to her. lether know that you can change this.

[HardShowingAffection]

soooo... I have a question for you ladies. My ex said I wasn't affectionate enough, even though I always gave her kisses, said the "I Love Yous", and told her she was beautiful.

 

If you ladies aren't getting the affection that you want, why don't you help your man show you the things that you like? I am not saying that you have to tell him that you want flowers once a month, but most guys just don't think that way, and then it seems like frustration builds up within the ladies. I would love to do all those little things, I just didn't know how important it was, and how much it meant to her. Now it is too late.

 

I mean, it just seems like I see too many relationships where there are so many expectations of one another, but they aren't communicated. It almost seems assumed that men and women are supposed to think alike, and that cleary isn't the case. I wish I could work towards all the things that my ex wanted and got frustrated about, however, I just didn't know. I do now, but its a little to late!

[mikeca]

were in different situations, I was I guess "overly" showing my affections, I did all the sweet stuff...flowers to her play practice, dropped little notes in her car, left a rose under her winshield/door and we still broke up, its a weird thing I thought I was doing everything right

[Juha]

Hardshowingaffection, Kicks you in the balls when crap like this happens...

 

You do everything you feel is right and maybe lack a little in the emotion department, not on purpose though...

 

They never say a word to you and then say it is over and that you are not giving them what they want but they never communicated what they wanted, ever...You tell them you can give them what they want and can change but they tell you it is too late and you had your chance...

 

Stupid is it not??? I have had two friends get divorced because of this...

 

They are good guys...

Don't cheat, work hard, don't go out with the guys alot

and love their wives to no end...The wives did not want to work things out and give them a chance to show them after they had been together for years and had kids...I told them it was not just them and that the reason the wives gave was an excuse and there was more to it...

 

Just lay it on the table with her and tell her how you feel and show it, if that does not let her know how muchshe means to you then cut your loses and move on...Hopefully you have no children...