Just Broken Up...Lost, Broken Hearted.

[rimshot22]

My girlfriend of 3 years and I decided to end our relationship this morning. It was a very difficult breakup as neither one of us quite new why we were breaking up but felt that we could not continue as we were.

 

Our problems stem from the age old question of marriage. She moved here from another city to take the "next step" in our relationship. Things were amazing before that and got better once she moved to the same city. We had very good communiction; everything was always on the table and discussed marriage openly. I went to the bank, got a loan and was ready to propose. It ended up with her not being ready (before I proposed) due to uncertainties with her life in general (job, friends, family). Ever since the question has been a heavy burden that she has not been able to handle. She has to "KNOW" and because she does not, is stressed beyond belief and these thoughts consume her days.

 

Of course, this has had a tremendous effect on me. Her doubt led to the same feelings on my part and it snowballed from there. Today we reached the breaking point. On the surface, our relationship is wonderful. We love each other very much, enjoy and look forward to spending time together, and are incredibly attracted to each other. It seems like there is just too much "junk" in the way and we've forgotten why we're together. I can't let go of my insecurities as a result of my commitment and her subsequent waffling. She is consumed by worry and doubt.

 

I'm crushed that someone I love so much now looks to be gone...for unapparent reasons. Neither of us knows why, just that we couldn't continue as things were. What to do?

 

To make matters worse, I have little to no support network. There isn't anybody I can freely call to express my pain to. Does anyone know of any good chat rooms, etc.?

 

-Broken Hearted

[designer71]

Hi, and welcome to ENA. This is a great site where you will gets lots of support and where you can post frequently. There will always be someone here to support you as most of us have been in the same place you are right now. I am so sorry to hear that you are so broken-hearted.

 

I get the feeling from your post that things are over, but just for now. I don't know much of the history or background of your situation, but I moved to a new city to be with a man I loved once, and things were good until I started missing my family and friends immensely. Does anything like that have anything to do with her uncertainty? If so, have you discussed moving to where she came from?

 

Write here as much and as often as you need to, it really does help.

[Relationship Coach]

After reading your post several times, I can't help but to think there is more to the story. Your words say one thing and her actions say something different. If you want to save this relationship, go see a couples counselor. You both need to discover what is not being said here. To me it seems like you have all of the basic tools and a solid foundation to build on. See if you can get her to agree to seeing a counselor and do what you can to make sense of this, even if it is just for closure. I don't understand what her job, friends or family have to do with this, this is your relationship and the aforementioned all take a back seat as far as focus and importance go. Take a shot, what do you have to lose?

 

RC

[aug1516]

Your situation actually sounds almost identical to mine right now. I just had my girlfriend end our 5 year relationship and I'm still very unclear as to the reasons. I do have some friends but none that I can really talk about this kind of stuff with. My girlfriend was my support person for things like this and I can't go to her now. If you feel like talking about it I am signed up on AIM, MSN, & Yahoo messenger, or we can just meet up in a chat room somewhere if you would rather. Just shoot me off an email or something email removed.

[Leigh]

Hi there,

I completely understand your situation and am going through something quite similar myself. My bf and I broke up 2 weeks ago and much of the same stresses were responsible in breaking up an otherwise very compatible and happy pair. We are still very much in love as well, and I'm still trying to come to terms with what's happened here. I also relocated twice in one year to be with him and it caused me to feel very dependent and depressed...In the end I also left him, but when the time came to leave I decided I only wanted to make it a break to clear my head - at that point he was so hurt by my actions that he ended things completely.

 

I am also wondering if there is any chance of reconciliation here. In your case, I would think there definitely should be. I feel that if the love is there, nothing else should matter and in time when she finds herself again, she'll find her way back to you. I'm already there with my ex, unfortunately, he didn't understand the reasons why I was so sad and had to leave in the first place, and now believes that there is no hope for us.. Just give it time - if you two truly love each other then you'll be together in the end. Things just need to heal themselves, and unfortunately, only time can mend those wounds.

 

If you are interested in my story please have a look at my two threads:

 

 

 

Take care.

L.

[rimshot22]

There definitely is more to the story; it was hard to summarize a 3 year relationship without writing a novel! My words and her actions don't match up; you are correct. Unfortunately, I can only present my side of the story and only interpret hers.

 

It really should be love that matters. The issues with her job, family and living situation affected our relationship for many reasons. One, she moved to me, not I to her. She gave up part of her life to start a new one with me in a new city. That was difficult for her. Two, she has many family "obligations" which being 90 minutes away from made it difficult to attend many of them. For 2 of the 3 years she has been pretty much miserable at work and her only solace was to come home to me at night. I became the only thing that made her happy and vise versa. It was very difficult to bring someone out of the "dumps" most nights of the week without finding yourself there occasionally. She had to do the same for me quite often and it became this cycle of unhappiness that had nothing to do with our relationship or love for each other.

 

We discussed moving to where she was from but she insisted on moving here because she was not overly happy where she was and that I was more established than she was. She's happy with the city I live in and intends to stay here with or without me. She initially became very dependent on me and lost focus of other things in her life that brought her happiness.

 

I've tried to get her to go to counseling to no avail. I would like to go, even if it is to discover that it is, in fact, over if nothing else.

 

I'm very insecure with our relationship because it took my quite a while to engage in and embrace the question of marriage. I was at that wonderful point where you know you're with the person you should be with for the rest of your life. We didn't take advantage of the feeling and now are both filled with doubt. Her uncertainties, along with me "putting myself out there" and her not being ready has created a never ending cycle of her worrying about how I'm feeling and me worrying about how she's feeling to the point where we are not taking care of ourselves and our personal interests. We're stuck and don't know what to do about it. Neither of us can continue like this thus, we break up.

 

One of her comments to me was this "I hope once I get my head straightened out, you'll still be there." Oye. I think it would be easier if she told me she didn't love me anymore...now a part of me will always wonder.

[aug1516]

I think it would be easier if she told me she didn't love me anymore...now a part of me will always wonder.

 

No kidding! I think that when the other person gives you hope about getting back together again in the future it makes your heart feel better for a brief moment, then it makes things 10 times harder to recover from. It does sound like she is very confused right now and maybe this time will let her figure things out. Regardless of her plans, make sure you attempt to move forward with your life.

[Leigh]

As an added thought, I moved to be with my ex and support his endeavours and it IS incredibly difficult to keep your sense of self in that process. All of your friends and family are far from you, and you're instead surrounded by someone else's support network. Not to say that that support can't one day benefit YOU as well, but in the beginning, I know I always felt like I was hanging out with HIS friends and didn't really have any of my own.

 

It's difficult when you rely on someone else too much for your happiness. I was definitely guilty of falling into that rut. It becomes very difficult to balance joining someone else's life - changing yours almost completely - adjusting and trying to find your way in a new environment - and keeping your sense of self about you. When the sense of self is in question, I find the self-esteem quickly becomes at risk as well.

 

Just try to stay focussed on the fact that her unhappiness had nothing to do with you. You were the light in her life...she probably began to feel like a burden because you had to pick her up so much...Again, same thing happened in my relationship - you feel lost, you feel alone, you don't want to lean on your bf all the time... The more I felt like I was upsetting my bf by relaying my troubles with adjusting to the new life, the worse I'd feel about myself for weighing him down with my thoughts...the more I'd think I should leave...and so on and so on.

 

Counselling is a great idea...I had an aversion to it as well - not sure why. You offered to go with her right? I think that could still be something that may help to heal if you do get the chance to try again in the future.

 

For now I reitterate that she needs to find her happiness and balance on her own before she will feel like she's worthy or able to join your life again without bringing you down.

 

Hang in there because love does prevail.

[rimshot22]

Leigh,

 

Thanks for the thoughtful response. It's really nice to hear your perspective. Yes, I did offer to go to counseling...on many occasions. Each time she felt that there wasn't a "problem that could be fixed." She asked me yesterday, "what if there is no problem and this is just the way it is?" Simplistic, but possible, I suppose.

 

She definitely needs time to sort things out in her life. I do as well. Neither of us were taking care of ourselves.

 

Today's goal is packing up the rest of her things that are at my house. We tried yesterday but were only able to manage a portion of it...just too difficult. Do you think I should be here when she comes to pick it up? It's hard to imagine that yesterday may be the last time I will see her in my life

[aug1516]

I doubt it will be the last time you see her in your life. Its quite possible that someday when you are both healed and ready that you could have some sort of friendship. That doesn't always happen of course but it's often nice to think that someday you could see that person again, even if you have completely moved on by that point.

[HardShowingAffection]

rimshot and Leigh, your situations sound very familiar to mine.

 

My ex gave up alot for me. It was like she put me at the center of her universe. I almost felt like I had to force her to do something on her own, because she always wanted to do stuff with me, and while I loved this, I feared that she would eventually freak out. She did express concerns that she didn't have the friend network that I did, and that she did so much to make me happy that she didn't focus on her own happiness.

 

When she didn't tell me these things, I failed to notice, and before long, there was anger, resentment, and frustration build within her because she was neglecting her own happiness in persuit of making me happy. There has to be that balance for the relationship to flourish.

 

rimshot, let me recommend a few books to you. Take this time to look into yourself and improve yourself so that if the relationship is salvaged, you have a better grasp of yourself and your actions.

 

"Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw

"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz

"The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz

 

Check them out... the bottom two are extremely easy reads and will make you see some things in a whole new light. Reading has done wonders for me, and I cannot emphasize what a positive effect it has had on me.