And Today's Inner Monologue Is...

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Perhaps depression, anger and disappointment are inevitably always going to occur together. I think I recall reading a proverb/saying somewhere - "Depression is just anger turned inwards".

 

I have started to notice that I get what I term "inner annoucements" when I feel desperate, and can't quite pin my feelings down to one specific cause. They feel like very animated thoughts, and straightforwardly tell me what I'm feeling.

 

This sounds bizarre, I suppose you could call them Extended Moments Of Mental Clarity?

 

I thought I would share the latest Annoucement Stream with you all here and now, as a kind of cathartic release, and maybe to illustrate what I am trying to talk about.

 

3..2..1...

 

I am furious that I have to force myself to be civil to people I really do not like or respect every day

 

I am angry that I am subjected to seemingly random depressive phases

 

I am frightened because I know that nothing is permanent and I feel as though I have no-one who loves me unconditionally

 

I am resentful that I was born female and have a plethora of gender-identity issues

 

I am disappointed in myself for not maintaining my own standards regarding things as diverse as my weight, intellectual development and quality of socializing

 

I am upset that I struggle to feel any kind of affection for family members or close friends, even to some extent, my boyfriend

 

I feel guilty for being a difficult child to parent, a difficult girlfriend to love, a hard student to teach, someone I can barely look at in the mirror without vomiting some days

 

I despise my shallower side, and I cry because I seem to lack even basic desire to even try and "fix" the above ^.

 

I feel frustrated at the sheer volume of advice I attempt to give people online (here and elsewhere) - and yet cannot follow any of it myself.

[DN]

And yet - on the other side of the ledger; you are attractive, intelligent, sensitive and kind. People recognise these qualities in you because they respond positively - as they have on here. Your parents and boyfriend love you because of that and despite any difficulties you may have.

 

Most people live with a balance sheet - and it important to total both sides to make sure one balances the other.

[AwdreeHpburn]

well Antilove I just have to say I'm somewhat disillusioned. (tongue in cheek)

 

I had you on a pedestal of sorts but it seems you're more normal than I'd seen, with a superb ability for expression and a keen sense of observation of course....

 

I could relate to so many of those "announcements" it's bizarre.

 

I don't know if this last bit will be welcomed or make you want to puke, but whilst a lot of times you say how different you feel from most people, maybe you'd be surprised how alike most of us you can often be.

 

I continually look forward to your posts. You have an uncanny ability to relay your feelings and they so often really resonate with me.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'm starting to suspect I just broadcast my innermost workings more frequently than the majority, and in different words.

 

It is fairly disappointing. We are bought up to believe that being different and special is good. Although that in itself is a questionable ideology.

 

Both responses appreciated. I do such a lot of thinking on here.

[AwdreeHpburn]

and I'm a HUGE fan of it Anti - seriously.

[Scout]

As always, I'm conflicted on what kind of advice to give you, AntiLove Superstar. Part of me wants to say, "Keep demanding high expectations of your character and morals, because not enough people in the world do" and another part of me wants to say, "Quit being so tough on yourself, kiddo!"

 

Is it possible we could find a balance here, lol...

[itsallgrand]

Anti, I love the current avatar. You look so...adorable.

 

I like to read psych books, self-help books...ok, I'll read anything, even read the backs of shampoo bottles in the biffy. Anyhow...something made me start and perk up my ears in one old 70's lame-o self help book. He goes

 

You're not angry and tired bc you are depressed.

You're depressed bc you are angry and tired.

 

I was like 'eh, shut up book'. Then I thought 'maybe that is as true as anything'.

 

Just wanted to share.

[Spugly Fuglet]

There are thows who live there hole lives never looking out side of what they know. They seek a safe understanding of there world and them selfs from which to view there life.

 

Its like looking out of a train window as you taval along a track you know is safe. Even the gratest pain and hurt worrys them not in true for its all part of the view even when life is so hard one may seek to stop the train, yet still they stay on the track.

 

But there are others that let go of this ilation and let them selfs be them selfs exsepting the unknowns of thems selfs as part of them selfs.

 

It is the Chaos with in see our minds hold feeling at odds with each other and thats the inner Chaos,

 

Myself A-love I live like this, in side me I know there is an Angela and Devil

who take every step I take, say every word I say. I find on good days its the Angal that is the best of me that has done so, On a bad day it is the Demon who is that hatefull form of self that larks in us all.

 

The truth is I live between them as do you, we can feel them and its the debate between Agale and Devil thats your Inner Monologue like mine.

 

I no long seek to slow the winds and holt the rain, I have come to love that Storm and hold it to myself as part of who I am. I know like you that some if its an illness but still I love it, and when there are words on the tempast winds then if you are like me art has fine use for them.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I like your words on the two sides of human nature, Spugley. They ring true.

[TheRedQueen]

being acutely aware of yourself and your surroundings can be menacing, a virtue turned sour.

My advice is a friendly reminder,

 

although the path of deconstruction paves an infinite way to despair, so too the path of synthesis paves an individual way to happiness.