How to get over it when there's no closure?!!

[alteer]

Those of you who have read my posts will know of the difficult time I'm having.

 

I haven't received any real answers for the breakup and know that I never will.

 

Not having any closure is making this even harder for me......I just can't seem to 'get over it'. I"ve been through all the emotions - denial, sadness, anger, disbelief, hope etc.

 

For those of you who have had to get over a breakup with no answers - how did you do it? How did you get to the point that it didn't matter anymore? And how long did it take to get to that point?

 

I know there is no magic potion.........and I know......time, time, time. But some insight into the experiences of others would be helpful.

[MissMandaJo]

I dont know your situation in specific detail, but my senior year of HS my boyfriend I believed I was "in love" with broke up with me without much of a reason, and refused to communicate with me for a long time. I went through a rollercoaster of emotions, racked my brain every night trying to figure out why he ended things so abruptly, what I did wrong and how to fix it.

Suddenly I came to the point that I knew I had to create my own closure, because I knew I would never receive one. I did this by writing a very heart felt poem, and it ended up being published in my school paper.

If I were to go through this again, being that I am not in school, I would personally write a letter to my boyfriend, explaining EVERYTHING I felt in fullest detail no matter how long in length it being, put it in an envelope and put it away in a drawer. Infact, I would probably write a letter a day. I would never give these letters to him though, because the whole point of this is is that you are working yourself through this because you only have yourself to lean on from the breakup. You are your own support, your own answer, your own closure.

This method may or may not work for you. I am very sentimental and writing is a very deeply involved therapy for me. But maybe you could try it out for a day or two and see how it works for you. Good luck.

[tylercdurden2004]

Thats a great story about the poem. Trying to channel that emotion and pain and hurt into something creative. All good love song stem from some truth. Turning the pain into something beautiful is maybe the best thing you can do.

[Psylocke960]

Hey alteer! Sometimes there is no closure and that's the most difficult when trying to get over a relationship. For months, I had to wonder what was going on with my last one. First he told me that I had to figure out what went wrong between us but also mentioned that he did not want to hurt my feelings (We were still together trying to work things out at this point). I pleaded with him to just tell me even if it meant that it would hurt my feelings. He still said that he did not want to tell me. So, as this lasted for months, I kept dragging it on. Most of the time, I continued to blame myself, wonder what was wrong with me, how I could improve our relationship, etc...

 

Well, the day we broke up I told him that I wanted closure. He said it was irrelevant and that he didn't owe me any kind of explanation on what caused the break up. Although he did say, he was no longer in love with me. And I found out yesterday that he was talking to his ex (before me) even while we were still together. I guess this is my closure.

 

Hang in there!!

[toughtime]

At the end of the day...it is just you dealing with your issues.

 

You can talk to friends about it endlessly (like I have been doing..) and that can temporarily keep you happy but at the end of the day, you have to learn how to deal with it on your own.

 

I know how you feel. I have not been with a lot of guys but there was a guy who I was talking to forever. He and I became really close. We never dated but he would talk about his future and would insinuate that I was in it. Anyways...all of the sudden on day just out of the blue he was like I can't talk to you like I used to. I was like...ughh okay?! Then he told me that he had to "think about things" ect. No real reason...we were doing finnne just talking..

 

Anyways, I personally felt really hurt inside. I would not have felt so hurt had he not made all of these future plans...

It took me some time to get over him but what I realized through the whole experience was that ultimately I had to get over him on my own.

 

I had to make closure on my own which I did.

[Dako]

I really never cared why I got dumped. I recovered from it and never discussed it with her. Why not? She told me she was unhappy and wanted to be single. How can I argue with that?

Sure I should supposedly "find out where I went wrong so I never make that mistake again in the next relationship."

That's a pantload. Even my ex tells me I was a good husband. I really don't care about the why she wanted out. She just did.

[cherishthepain]

i bet your your closure will come, just the matter of sooner or later

 

you can also create your own closure i think

 

1 form of closure is automatically acquired when you met someone else you would fall for, you realize " my ex wasnt the one" or " my ex is not the only perfect one". This doesnt mean you have to go out dates other people immediately or rush into new relationships, so just be REALLY active in making new friends (just friends for now) , even if it's just making conversation with that attractive stranger at school, the cafeteria, the train, the bus stop this at first gives you back your confidence, gives your new things to look forward to instead of waiting for contact from ex and also possibly, gives you the chance to get to know that person better, which could possibly make you fall for that person, forget the ex and move on.

 

another one, which I think would theoretically work, but not recommend it since i havent seen it done that is to say things or do things that 100% make the relationship with your ex impossible to be saved, this kills off any false hope you have, you won't expect contact from your ex anymore, you feel so ashamed of the things you said and done that you won't want to think about the whole thing anymore and move on to start a new life... to do this, you need to already be at a point of accepting the fact that ex might not come back, even if ex comes back, things won't be the way you want, and you must have some sort of anger or resentment to do this...

[alteer]

Thank you everyone for your replies. You are all so right.

 

Here's the conclusion I came to while contemplating your responses.

 

I know it's over so why torture myself trying to find answers. There aren't any. He didn't love me ENOUGH, that's it, end of story.

 

I also thought.....ok so what could he possibly say that would make me feel better anyway?!!..........Nothing.

 

So that part of my life is over - next chapter please.

[Dako]

I know it's over so why torture myself trying to find answers. There aren't any. He didn't love me ENOUGH, that's it, end of story. .

 

I think that's healthy and rational.

 

I suspect some people need a complex explanation to justify the complex sufferring, but if the ex isn't feeling it anymore, it's over.

[jchan]

My ex left me 2 months ago for someone else, despite giving me the explanations of: "falling out of love for you", "i wanna see what's out there", all that translated into: "i don't love you, there's someone else and goodbye". I've heard recently they're not committed in a relationship but they have been "seeing" each other and have been good "friends". I'm not surprised that from hindsight she's cheated on me. That's all the closure i need. Sometimes we're better off not having closure and just move on.

[Arielle]

So that part of my life is over - next chapter please.

 

alteer - I like your kick butt attitude! I feel like I'm jumping in too late, but hey, when has that ever stopped me?

 

My ex broke up with me 3 months ago. I too had no closure, and that was the toughest part. It was extremely difficult for me for about 2 months, then the pain seemed to slowly subside. I am now to the point where I can think about things much more rationally. I've worked things out on my own and provided my own closure. I agree with you that there isn't any good that could be accomplished if you heard from him again.

 

I take the attitude that if a person comes into contact with an ex, you can't pick up from where you left off and keep on going as if nothing happened. We'd spend the rest of our relationships like two former enemy soldiers who are willing to be friendly, but at the same time always making sure we're not going to get stabbed in the back. If he were to contact me today, I think I might politely hear him out, then say "Thanks, but no thanks."

[alteer]

Thanks Arielle.....having no closure stinks doesn't it?!?!!!

 

I like your way of thinking. You seem to have come through it very well. Here's to you!! Cheers.

[Roxari]

I don't think that we ever really have closure. Nothing they say to us makes it better. No matter what the reason is, we are still in love and we still want to be in love and no answer sounds good enough (except abuse or cheating in my opinion). We are not wired to understand "I don't want you". We hate rejection.

[searching1951]

Closure is a myth. So, you want them to sit down with you and tell you a bunch of lies? I think that 99% of the time the dumper has a hidden agenda. The real closure is NC..forever after.