What is it with men

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

I tell hubby unless things change soon. I will be leaving him. Now hes totally attentive. Wants to spend time with me etc.. If I can get any more confused I don't know if I would have sanity left.

 

Yes he now knows I still love Bob. Yes he now knows theres a good chance that I may not return from Chicago. He does know I am as confused as ever and I can't make any decisions regarding anything past July 1st until I speak with Bob. Because I do not know what he will say. I never gave him a chance to speak for himself in 13 yrs and it is time I give him that chance.

 

I do know if hubby and I are to get past this point, he is going to have to accept what happen 13 yrs ago. Hes going to have to accept that Christopher may be Bobs child and get test to prove one way or another. He is going to have to accept that if he is Bobs child. Bob will be able to meet Christopher etc. He is also going to have to accept that I will never stop talking to Bob again. Our friendship was more then I can describe. Losing it because I pushed Bob out of my life to make hubby happy was the hardest thing I ever did. I do not want to go through that again. Now that I am in contact with him.

 

I told him I do not plan to thrust everything on Christopher. But I want bob to have a chance to meet him. From there what happens who knows.

 

Life seems to be getting more confusing then ever. I just hope i can make it through the next 34 days without losing my sanity.

Wanda

[Bethany]

I think you should have those tests done before even considering getting Bob involved. Are you sure this is not an attempt to rekindle something from the past? I think it could be a big mistake.

 

Think of what's best for your child and settle this once and for all without involving the third party until your 100% sure that your child is not your husbands.

 

BTW Your husband must be going through hell right now so the sooner you get this sorted the better.

[avman]

I second that. It's really unfair to your husband to lay an ultimatum like accepting you are not going to stop talking to Bob. You don't really think he going to be fine with this do you?

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, I can't believe that your husband has accepted ultimatums like this.

If the child doesn't turn out to be Bobs I can't really see how he will be able to trust you with the paternity of your other children let alone a marriage contract.

 

Get the testing done and then decide how the future is going to be.

 

Edited for a question.

 

How would you feel if the boy turned out to be your husbands?

[Hope75]

I find this situation very sad.

 

Here you are, the one who had the affair and betrayed your husband, and yet, now YOU are the one making demands on your husband if he wants to stay married to you, including forcing him to accept your relationship with the man you cheated with.

 

Frankly I don't think you are in any place to make demands on your husband, but it should be the other way around.

 

In the past you've said you aren't happy and don't want to be with your husband any longer. You can't be involved with two men- it isn't fair to either and is terribly selfish.

 

Why not make a choice and stop playing with the feelings of all involved?

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

No dna test isnt needed unless i was pregnant for several months before i found out i was 4 weeks pregnant no the child is not hubbys. Hubby has accepted that. He also wants to move forward. He doesn't want to lose me either.

 

Which only makes things more difficult then ever. He at least knows where I stand, and I have told him I don't think we can move beyond this point he does. Even though I have told him I will not stop talking to Bob again. He will either have to accept it or i am moving on.

[melrich]

How old is your son? How long has your husband known the boy is not his?

[Entomon]

Err - you're very selfish if I may say so. Your husband has accepted his non-paternal position and he wants to move on but you're making ultimatums. What exactly do you want from him?

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

My husband new right away he claims, since he knows we didnt have sex around the time the boy was concieved.

 

As to what I want from my husband, he wants to work on our marriage. Myself I don't see how thats possible unless he compromises also. Bob and I have been friends since 5th and 6th grade. I gave up our friendship 10 yrs ago to make hubby happy but I made myself unhappy.

[RayKay]

Unless HE compromises also?

 

He "compromised" by moving on from your affair, he compromised by accepting this child as his, he compromised by listening to your persistent feelings for Bob....where are your compromises exactly? Not talking to the man you had an affair with? Because I don't see that as a compromise, that should be a no brainer necessity to save a marriage and move on!

 

I really don't see how you talking to the man whom you had an affair with is compromise, that is being extremely unfair to your husband, and to your marriage.

 

Honestly, what do you want? It does not sound like you want this marriage, other then maybe for the security aspect. Why don't you let your husband move on with his life if you are so unwilling to let go of the past. That is not moving on. If you really don't want this marriage, and are so miserable, maybe it is time to look at seperating and moving on with your lives.

 

I also agree you should get a paternity test with your child and your husband just to rule him out entirely, even if the dates don't match. And go from there.

[Meow18]

Honestly, I feel bad for your husband. Here he is being the father of a child that was the result of you cheating on him. That had to be hard enough for him, but he proved to be a person who really loved you by trying to work things out and raise that child.

 

And now he has to choose something like this?

 

If things don't work out, it's probably for the better. In fact, why not just stop things now? Your husband deserves better than what you are doing. He deserves to be loved more than that. The sad part is, he doesn't realize it yet.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

maggie for one my husband has a very violent temper I believe some of you need to read my other post to catch up.

 

I have made many compromises in our marriage, and it's all been one sided.

 

One thing a one night stand is just that a one night stand not a damn affair. It was something that happen because my husband beat me btw that is why i went to chicago in the first place.

 

I have made alot of compromises in my marriage

 

1. Staying down here away from my family, my friends etc. Because he wanted to be near his parents.

2. Rarely getting to see my family because hes not comfortable around them.

3. Giving up all my friends in chicago, the life I always knew etc.. Because oh again hubby wanted to be near his parents and family.

4. I wasn't by my dads side when he died, because hubby wanted to come home. He convinced me to come home and get things done and go back if he takes a turn for the worse he died before we could get back. We lived 6 hours away.

 

There are alot more compromises i have made, but what has hubby done other then to accept a child that isn't his and he doesn't care that the boy isn't. Oh yeah he wants to work out our marriage now that I have told him after putting up with 16 yrs of physical and emotional abuse that it stops now or im leaving. I feel like its a little to late on his part.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

forgot to mention not only was he constantly saying we need to go home when my dad had his stroke, he rarely was there at all when my dad was in the hospital. He was at the hotel 99 percent of the time in front of the tv.

[Hope75]

Just to clear a few things up:

 

affair:

1. A romantic and sexual relationship, sometimes one of brief duration, between two people who are not married to each other.

Pretty sure that sleeping with another man while you are married, one time or a hundred times, still classifies as an affair.

 

You have brought up your husband being physically and emotionally abusiive towards you on several occasions. Abuse does not justify an affair- nothing justifies an affair.

 

The proper way to handle a relationship that includes physical abuse is to leave, and to press charges if you so desire. You have a choice here too, and even though you state he has been abusive to you you have remained with him for 16 years.

 

As for your compromises:

 

I live far away from my family too. I visit them with or without my boyfriend as often as I can. You don't need your husband present to visit your family or friends. I know alot of people who don't live anywhere near their families and still fly out to see them, sometimes with kids in tow and other times just them.

 

Again you don't need your husband present to see your family. He doesn't have to like them. That doesn't meanyou can't see them.

 

As far as I know, moving away from friends doesn't mean you have to give them up. This is the age of cell phones, free national calling, email, texts, and cheap flights. I have many friends whom do not live near me and I still consider them friends, and keep in close touch. Why did you give them up?

 

but what has hubby done other then to accept a child that isn't his and he doesn't care that the boy isn't. Oh yeah he wants to work out our marriage now that I have told him after putting up with 16 yrs of physical and emotional abuse that it stops now or im leaving. I feel like its a little to late on his part.

 

Do you read this and honestly think that is not a HUGE thing??? You had an affair and cheated on your husband, lied to him for over 10 years, carried a torch for the man you had an affaird with, and not only has he forgiven you and accepted it, but now he's raising a child you claim is not even his. I don't think you have any idea what a huge sacrafice that is. This is emotional abuse in itself.

 

Over and over you state how unhappy you are in your marriage, and yet you are still staying and putting out these conditions to your husband that are so unfair.

 

Why are you staying if you are unhappy?

 

Do you think you are doing your husband a favor by staying?

 

He deserves someone who is faithful to him and who loves him. Someone who respects him and doesn't make unreasonable demands.

[agent1607307371]

If he's beat you, why are you still with him?

 

You're using his temper as an excuse for your own behaviour. You are responsible for your behaviour. He is responsible for his.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

I looked up the same meaning, and if you go by that meaning of a affair unless your married to your partner its a affair also.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

agent i totally agree, thats why i'm getting out. If he wants to work things out then there are going to be some stipulations and i wont back down. If he can't agree to them then it's over.

[Hope75]

It seems silly to argue the technical meaning of the word affair. If a couple is in a relationship together and are not married, they are not hurting someone they are supposed to be loyal to, faithful to, and honest with. They are not breaking the bonds of marriage. They are being true to one another. They are not cheating and lying.

 

Bottom line is that you are married and while married, you slept with someone else and lied to your husband about it. That is cheating, and it is wrong. Now you are expecting that your husband should be OK with that. He should not have to be OK with that. If you really wanted to try and work on your marriage, much of the work has to come from YOU. You are the one that cheated and lied.

 

Abuse is not acceptable, but if he were abusing you, it's time to leave. I find it very hard to believe if he were abusive and suspected for over 10 years that you had cheated and conceived a child with someone else, that he would just accept it and do nothing. In someone abusive that would provoke alot of anger and likely abuse. Regardless, that does not make it OK for you to sleep with other men while you are married.

 

This relationship seems so dysfunctional from what you describe, I am uncertain why you have stayed so long.

 

Forcing your poor husband to accept that you will continue this relationship in whatever form with your ex lover is not fair and is selfish. You say that you compromised in your marriage. Much of what you describe is part of the normal compromise that a married couple does for one another. You expecting him to accept that you will continue to be friends with your ex lover is not. You using those other examples to justify what you now want from your husband is not fair to him, and not equal, and not reasonable to expect of any spouse.

 

You keep blaming your husband for the lifestyle that you had a say in and also chose for yourself. You aren't accepting responsibility for the affair, you aren't showing any remorse, and you are making unreasonable and selfish demands on your husband. It seems the only person you care about in this scenario is you.

 

 

If you want to pursue the ex than you should leave your husband and give him a chance to be loved by someone who deserves him.

[dazedandconfusedbydestiny]

Hope I guess you don't get the point i will never regret that night i had with Bob so you may as well drop it. Hubby knows everything now, and still wants to try and make our marriage work even with the things I told him hes going to have to accept along with getting help for his anger. He either accepts it and we move on, or i move on without him. I really don't care anymore.

[Hope75]

Hope I guess you don't get the point i will never regret that night i had with Bob so you may as well drop it. Hubby knows everything now, and still wants to try and make our marriage work even with the things I told him hes going to have to accept along with getting help for his anger. He either accepts it and we move on, or i move on without him. I really don't care anymore.

You're right Dazed, I'm afraid I will never understand how you can betray someone that you took vows with, lie to him for 10 years, feel no remorse, and then demand that if your husband wants to work things out with you, that he accept your ex lover in your lives.

 

I guess I treat people whom I love and respect differently.

 

It seems that the other posters who responded for the most part agree with my train of thought.

 

Kind of makes you think, doesn't it?

[Meow18]

I'm with Hope here. I don't understand how you couldn't regret doing something like that to someone you supposedly love. Affair or cheating, whatever you want to call it, it's pretty much the same thing. But the technical term really isn't what's important here.

 

But we are all different and have different feelings.

 

You were saying your husband beat you? Well, then he doesn't deserve you. So let me rephrase what I originally said: Niether of you deserve each other, so it's best to just drop the relationship. You both will never respect each other the way you both should. You cheated, and refuse to stop talking to the other guy.. and your husband beat(s) you.

 

This is a relationship that just won't work out with out a lot of help and it doesn't seem like you are willing to put effort into it. So you might as well just part ways. There's no sense in trying to pretend to be committed to someone when you clearly aren't.

[Bethany]

I think seeing as you were on the Pill and Bob withdrew, there could be a chance that your husband is the father of your child, even if it is a slim one and I still think you should get a paternity test done before involving Bob.

 

I also wonder if Bob ever did reply from prison about your paternity claim and what he thinks of all this 13 years later and whether he thinks you should have that test done too?

 

If he is the childs father, what about your other children? Will you leave them and go with Bob if he IS the father or will you take them with you? Or take just his child? Does Bob know of your intentions, is he happy about you leaving your husband? Is he happy to take you in and bring up someone elses children if you take all three? These are questions you need to get answers to, from you and from Bob before you take another step further.

 

I understand that you still love Bob after all these years and feel its your destiny to be with him, but he turned down your marriage proposal and married someone else along time ago and I am worried you will end up getting hurt and rejected as well as hurting your children in the process.

 

Please be very sure of what you are doing.

[sir sirloin]

Assuming the abuse is true, and since the original post proved to be so drama queenish I doubt it, why would she stay?

 

And even if it is true and for some insane reason she stayed why would HE stay after being told about the retaliation affair? And agreeing to raise the other dude's kid? A woman with a solid gold vagina wouldn't be worth that.

 

This sounds like a match made in heaven. A pair of trailer park thespians living out their dream of a soap opera life. I'm surprised nobody's evil twin has shown up while the original clung to dear life in a coma.

[Iceman26]

Agree with Sir Sirloin.

 

Your husband makes you unhappy + the kid isn't his + affair = Leave him.

 

Jesus, at least have some dignity and cut the tie with your husband, if you ever cared about him at all.