Broken engagement that might be salvageable

[annie24]

yeah, um, yeah. Your gf (or ex rather) is is NO position to ask you to keep her stuff. especially since she is in SC visiting another man.

 

Is this your place or is she also on the lease?

[annie24]

She asked me to hold on to it since she said she wasn't planning on staying in SC. I told her she was in no posistion to be asking things like that. I told her I would have her sister come over, check what was left, take what she wanted, and I was going to get rid of the rest.

 

Her sister is coming over Monday night to peruse the things that are left. Her grandmother, which is who raised my g/f, called me and wanted me to talk to her today about what all happened. She is extreemly concearned about me and what my g/f did.

 

It's not her grandmother's place to be really concerned. what is there to talk about? her granddaughter is a cheating skank. (sorry to be harsh)

[gaiden]

It is my place, her name isn't on the lease.

 

As for her grandmother getting involved, our families have always been very close. I've known her grandmother as long as I've known her, 8 years now.

 

Her grandmother and I have talked throughout the years and I think her grandmother is more talking to me to help me cope with this, she's not trying to be nosey.

 

When my ex called and told her the first time we split, her grandmother simply responded with two things. She was disappointed in my ex for doing what she did and the second was that everything that my ex was saying about me didn't sound like me at all.

 

Her grandmother, I think, is just interested in both sides. She's known me long enough to know that this is not easy. It was my first engagement, and after my ex did what she did, she just wants to make sure I am okay.

[annie24]

ok, since her name is not on the lease, then yeah, you have no reason to be her storage facility. definitely, have the sister come over, everything else goes to charity.

 

ok, that is good that her grandmother is trying to make sure that you're ok. just want to make sure that she isn't "meddling" too much, or is trying to get you two back together.

 

I hope you don't even consider taking her back a 3rd time!

[gaiden]

No, a third time would just scream masochistic. I am not a glutton for punishment. I tried, twice, and it didn't work, the message is pretty clear.

 

The hardest part is KNOWING it's over. I've known her long enough to know that while the man may change, the situation never does. I am the fourth guy she has done this to, and her guy in SC will be the fifth. It's not a matter of if she will, just when. She went to SC with nothing, no money, no personal posesstions, nothing. She will leech off this guy until he starts to see the same thing all us other ex's have seen, and she will be back looking for another place to go.

 

And when that happens, she'll be calling me up.

[annie24]

I hope you change your number!

 

well, at least now you know what she is like, do your best to start the healing process. now would be a good time to redecorate your home. If there is some project you've been wanting to do for a while around your place, do it now. It will help you channel your energy into it, and keep your mind off of her.

[gaiden]

Changing my number wouldn't do much good because she has my work number and work cell phone as well, I can't get those changed. Plus, I've had this number 10 years now.

 

I am definitely trying to keep myself busy and around friends family during this. I just told my brother I have no idea how I handled the weekends when I was single, I'm bored out of my mind. Something I realizeed though is that I have been single for much longer then I have been involved. It's just a matter of shifting.

 

We usually have to shift our ways and sometimes priorities when we get involved and we have to do it all over again in reverse when we return to being single again. It's just so much more painful in reverse

[annie24]

Caller ID it is!!!

 

now is definitely a good time to sign up for some weekend activities. sign up at the gym for some saturday or sunday exercise classes. yoga for strength and flexibility would be good. mostly women, but some men also! Volunteer at the animal shelter. Just try to come up with some weekly committment that will keep you out of trouble, away from the phone, and can lead you to meet new people

 

Also, church is good if you are the religious type....

[DN]

A word of caution over her stuff particularly if it has any value. You can't just throw it away - you have some legal duty of care and could be held liable if you don't give her a reasonable chance to recover it.

 

See if a member of her family will store it for you.

 

If that can't happen then the best bet would be to put it in storage and tell her that you have paid for one month's rent and that after that it will be disposed of. Make sure she can recover it easily if she wants it. If you can't afford that then box it and store it yourself.

 

As to the relationship - I really think your best bet is to never see her again other than whatever is necessary for her to get her stuff back.

[annie24]

yeah, my first instinct would be to throw it in a fire, out out on the street. except for those darned legal responsibilities! BLAH!!!!

 

definitely, give her reasonable opportunity to get her stuff back, or have her sister get the stuff back. Not because she deserves it, but so you don't get thrown into small claims court or onto Judge Judy!

[gaiden]

From the conversation we had while she was at the airport, my ex had said that her sister will take care of whatever needs to be done with the items that are left.

 

The ex said that there were a few items of value that her sister/grandmother wanted back (photo albums, a few books, etc...). After her sister gets those items, she can then take any clothing that she wants for herself and then I can do whatever I want with the rest. My ex isn't interested in anything she didn't take with her.

 

So I guess after her sister leaves on Monday, I can box up the rest, drop it off at the salvation depot, and get on with my life.

 

I talked with her grandmother today and she said that my ex hasn't called yet and she doesn't plan on her calling for "some time", something along the lines of 6 months or so. Her grandmother is very angry about what happened and she said she knows my ex wont call because she wouldn't be able to handle what her grandmother would say to her.

 

Her grandmother said this has happened before and they have given up trying to help someone that clearly doesn't seem to want to help themselves. She said my ex is doing the exact same things that her mother did when she was that age and they have pretty much washed their hands of the whole issue.

 

She hasn't tried to reach me yet, but I'm sure she will be. I'm not taking her calls, pages, text messages, email, or instant messages. This chapter closes Monday, and it can't come too soon ](*,)

[annie24]

*sigh* sounds like a plan. In the meantime, take care of yourself!

 

(((HUGS)))

[DN]

Yeah, I agree with Annie - sorry you had to go through this but it seems you are well rid of her. Chances are she will continue doing this until she can't find any man who will take her.

[avman]

Man I'm really sorry to hear about this. On the one hand, at least you have your answer now. This girl is not worth fighting for or trying to get back. She's history.

 

It sounds like you have a good relationship with her sister so I'm sure she'd be more than happy to take care of dealing with her stuff.

 

Now for you it's time to heal. I hope you can see that this girl was bad news and even though you might be really hurt, you would have been MUCH worse off having married her.

[annie24]

hm.... can you date the sister?

[gaiden]

DN: Yes, she will continue to do this. She's learned from past experiences that she can use her charm and body to get anything she wants and there always seems to be another 'me' waiting to take her in and get burned.

 

avman: Guy, you warned me, as did my friends and family, even HER friends warned me. They said watch out, we've known her a long time and you're a nice guy, just be careful with her. Of course I had on those nice rose colored glasses and refused to acknoledge just how bad things really were because I was hoping that with love and patience, anything was possible. I am so glad that a marriage or children didn't get added to fun bag that was already our relationship.

 

Annie24: Actually, I was better friends with her sister, who is 23 now, then I was with my ex (who is 26). Even now I get hints from her sister that she was jealous that my ex got me and she didn't. I guess you never know what could happen. Oh I could see it now, my ex would flip her lid if that happened. Haha, that actually puts a smile on my face. Seriously though, if that happened it would be because I really was interested in her sister, and not to exact revenge on the cold witch for what she did to me.

 

 

I said it earlier, but, I think deep down inside I saw my ex changing and taking steps to be more along the lines of the woman I had been looking for. Aparently though, it was just another one of her phases and in the end, she decided that the route she wanted to go was the life that she had when she was in florida, the one that her friend in SC now has, and that's the life of no boundries, restrictions, or rules. She just wans to party and sleep her way around... aparently growing up isn't in her agenda anymore. And that my friends, is not what I am looking for in my significant other.

[avman]

You were only doing what you felt was best. You loved her and cared about her and wanted to see the best in her. That is a position I think most of us have been in at one time or another.

 

I'm just glad your eyes are open now and you see what she really is.

 

Man you can do so much better. You will come out of this just fine.

[gaiden]

Ug, today is a rough day.

 

Thursday, her sister came over to get the remainder of my ex's things. I take her upstairs, show her whats left in the closet and she tells me that she talked to my ex on the way over (ouch) and my ex wanted her sister to grab her day planner and a few other important items that she left.

 

I tell her sister I tossed it all.

 

Then she asks about all my ex's coats.

 

I tell her I donated them all.

 

I told her sister all my ex and I agreed to was that I would leave the clothes in the closet for her sister to pick through, everything else was getting tossed/donated and my ex told me she was fine with that because she didn't want anything that she left here anyways.

 

I said if my ex had changed her mind, someone should have called me. Trash day was Tuesday, so I told her sister if she would have showed up on Monday, when she said she was going to, she would have gotten everything.

 

Her sister said she didn't care, she was just doing her sister a favor and leaves. No more then two minutes or so pass and my cell starts ringing... it was my ex, whom I haven't heard from since she had left the previous week.

 

I didn't answer it, but she left me a nice little voice mail...

 

"Hey *******, you're supposed to give my sister the coats!

You weren't supposed to get rid of those.

She called me up and she wanted those coats.

That's the only reason...

That's ALL I wanted you to do, was give those to her.

...cause SHE wanted those

Thank you"

 

The next day, Friday, one week now after my ex had left me, I was at work and I got an IM on my computer from my ex. She spouts off about how she hates me and regrets getting together with me. She said she "climbs in bed with a georgeous man with a hard body every night now that could please her for hours." blah blah blah then ends it with "Well enjoy your life as alone as could be and do not worrie, i'll get my own punishment for the way things happened, but i don't hurt and i am happy."

 

She tried sending the same message to my 3 email addresses but those I DID block.

 

Sigh... I've not contacted her in any way. I didn't return her call, I didn't answer her im's... why can't she just walk away like she did a week ago and STAY gone. I can't deal with her craziness anymore. Obviously she isn't 'happy'. She's angry, and she's just trying to justify what she did to make herself feel better.

 

Even as bad as the situation is, im still hurting and these types of communications make it worse

[avman]

Sorry to hear about that. I know it hurts, but don't give her any more power over you. Block her phone numbers from all your phones. Block her emails and IMs from every email address.

 

You are completely right, she's only saying those things to make herself feel better. Cut her out of your life completely. Give yourself space and time to heal.