Girlfriend Constantly Talking of Ex's - normal? :(

[Deveryn]

Hello everyone, my name is Deveryn and I'm at a loss as to what to think in this situation.

 

I recently started dating this girl (last month) and things have been going just amazing, we get along perfectly and have a really great time together. We have the most open relationship one can hope for, in that we always talk about whats on our mind and what we're feeling at times, which is a great leap from the last few relationships I've been in.. and it's the same with her, her last relationship wasn't open at all.

 

I don't really know whats appropriate to tell to someone you're dating about your past relationships... I mean, every single question she's asked I've answered, but I don't really bring any of it up outside of that, mostly because my past relationships have went realllly aweful . She has had good relationships in her past and she is the type of person who keeps her ex boyfriends as friends, which I'm ok with ofcourse but theres one thing that I don't know how to handle.

 

The problem is I really don't know what to think when she constantly talks about them. Every single day they come up in a conversation, and every day she talks more and more about them. For instance, we could be just talking normally and she'll bring up something a boyfriend did for her in the past that was amazing to her... Is that normal? How should I take that?

 

Even sometimes when the conversation is really personal, like I'll be kissing neck one time and I comment about how good her hair smells, she'll automatically say something along the lines of how her ex Anthony used to just push his head into her hair and smell it when they'd sit together..

Sometimes she has bad things to say, like that they would treat her bad, but most of the time its really amazing things...

 

How should I take this? Right now I'm feeling pretty hurt and kinda feel like I've been punched every time she says things like that, but how could I possibly say anything? I mean, it's her past and I really....I really just don't know what to do.

 

Please, someone help me

[RayKay]

I think she is either really really...um....naive....or she does it to get you to kind of compete.

 

Either way, I don't blame you for being hurt by it. Now, it is not totally abnormal for an ex to come up in conversation now and then as a kind of "side comment" but I have some big concerns that she seems to relate your relationship and so on to her ex's. To me it is either a sign she is not really "moved on", or she is just really needs the ego or reassurance boost she may get from it...you know her better than I though,

 

You are right, it IS her past, and as it is her past, you should not have to hear about it all the time! Come on....when you are being intimate she brings it up? What is wrong with a simple "thank you!"....????

 

I would suggest since you have such an open, communicative relationship as you described...you SHOULD talk to her about it and say that you find it off putting that she brings them up so often. You certainly should not just "live with it" and hope it changes.

[DN]

like I'll be kissing neck one time and I comment about how good her hair smells, she'll automatically say something along the lines of how her ex Anthony used to just push his head into her hair and smell it when they'd sit together..

Try saying, in a semi-joking way, "oh, well, I'd better not do that anymore - I wouldn't want to compete with an ex".

[Deveryn]

Thank you for your advice RayKay! I really need all the info I can get... all of my friends offline are actually friends of hers, so I really don't have anyone to talk to.

 

To me it is either a sign she is not really "moved on", or she is just really needs the ego or reassurance boost she may get from it...you know her better than I though,

 

 

I wonder that sometimes, if she's moved on from them... One time I asked her if she would be happier with Anthony (the ex she talks about the most, and with the highest regard) and she said she wouldn't and that she'd rather be with me.. I still don't understand why she talks of the things they did together like that though...

 

If she's trying to get an ego or reassurance boost, would she get that from me showing signs of being competitive? I have interest in her past because the past is a large part of what makes us what we are today, but if I tried not to show interest in her ex's would that quell the boost to stop them from coming up?

 

 

Try saying, in a semi-joking way, "oh, well, I'd better not do that anymore - I wouldn't want to compete with an ex".

 

Thank you, I think this will be the first thing I try actually.

[Dako]

"I'm sorry, but I didn't think we were having a threesome tonight."

 

I'm surprised you don't get up and leave.

[biddo]

she sounds like she isnt 100% over her ex/// it happens i was dating a girl like that .. a girl that had a lot o hang ups/// truth is You go into a relationship .. DOnt fully give ure heart away until you know for sure that he or she is the one for you. As for the girl i usef to date she dont mean a thing to me now/// my new girlfriend is a 1000x better than her . I hope it really works out for you buddy cos theres nothing worst than a heart break .. and dont break any hearts youself ...peace./

[Momene]

I know we're SUPPOSED to be over exes when we start dating again but mostly we're not. I think she's being insensitive but hopefully, it'll tail off a bit as she gets more into you.

 

Perhaps you coudl retaliate by saying how much you liked an ex's anatomy.

 

That'll soon shut her up!

[babypink61]

Oh man, I know exactly how you feel! My bf used to do the same thing from time to time and it really irked me. But he does it jokinly . . . like I'm a horrible cook so we would always eat out, and he would say something along the lines of "man, I really miss so-and-so, she used to cook for me all the time!" I used to just laugh it off and then finally one day I was like, if you miss her that much, why don't you just get back with her then? That really shut him up. He started apologizing and said that he as joking and blah blah blah and that he's with me now and I'm the only person he'll want to be with. I told him to never make comments like that in front of me again because I take it as a personal insult sometimes, and he hasn't been doing it since. I think the bottom line is that you need to flat out tell her that it bothers you and that she should stop. Those comments are not adding any value to the relationship so why would she want to bring them up in the first place? I hope this helps . . .

[Dako]

I'm taking notes here. I've never experienced this sort of thing, and I need to never do it in my future. It sounds like a bigger turnoff than anything I can think of.

[AwdreeHpburn]

maybe she's insecure about where your relationship is and where its going and this is her way, albeit very bizarre way, of ensuring YOU stay on the "right" track like others have.

 

If she's saying things she likes that others have done as well as the occasional bad thing, maybe she's subconsciousally trying to coach you.

 

I say reassure her while trying to tell her those comments are starting to make you uncomfortable and making you feel sort of competitive.

 

I have a feeling that may not be her intention at all and she's prolly mostly unaware of how or even THAT is affecting you.

 

Speak up, just tell her really honestly how its making you feel.

[Deveryn]

Well just as an update.... I've found out that she frequently takes calls from her ex's, one every few days she calls him... and one almost every day calls her.

Today he even called her really early in the morning (she didn't answer, her phone was off)...

 

Should I be ok with that?! Is this normal? Feels pretty crappy knowing that her ex is infatuated with her still (she's said he is), even though they live about 800 miles apart...

[Momene]

Well just as an update.... I've found out that she frequently takes calls from her ex's, one every few days she calls him... and one almost every day calls her.

Today he even called her really early in the morning (she didn't answer, her phone was off)...

 

Should I be ok with that?! Is this normal? Feels pretty crappy knowing that her ex is infatuated with her still (she's said he is), even though they live about 800 miles apart...

 

I can't say I'd be happy with it but some "experts" say you should stay friends with exes. I don't think you can when you're in a new relationship.

[heatherew]

I just found this forum today, so I know this is an old thread....I had a boyfriend that did this crap to me for 2 1/2 years, so I know how uncomfortable it can make you feel.........if you ask someone to stop talking about how wonderful their ex was all the time(especially about how good they were in bed, with DETAILS)](*,), and they don't, there is only ONE solution..........cut them loose. Life is too short to let someone disrespect you and the relationship.

[1maineac]

It's normal for people to occasionally mention past relationships..It is NOT normal for someone, especially at the beginning of a new relationship, for someone to throw "amazing" memories of past relationships in your face.

 

Those "amazing" relationships didn't work out. Think she may have done the same thing to those guys? Perhaps she is reassuring herself that she is desirable? Perhaps she is playing head games to make you compete. Either way it's cruel & unnecessary...and not normal.

 

You need to discuss this with her. If she truly cares, and see's a future with you, she will make an effort to not do those things that make you feel hurt.

[ccpjc]

bump from the past...

 

i've been having this issue lately. we've been together for almost 3 months, (2 months official 1 month dating) at the start she didn't mention them too much, but as the days went on she talked about them more frequently. now it's a daily affair.

 

it doesn't matter if we are together or talking on the phone, at least once a day she brings up something about one of her ex's and its to the point where i don't know what to do anymore.

 

i talked to her about it and now we're fighting. i don't get it.

 

the other day she met my mom for the first time. a couple hours afterwards me and her were at a car show when my mom called. my mom told me that she really liked my gf and saw that i was happy. i went on to relay this info onto my gf and instead of being happy, she went on to tell me "its no big deal to her, all her ex's parents have liked her".

i was pretty choked at that..

 

anyways, so we're fighting now, she said she is going to bite her tongue and watch everything she says closely now so as not to offend me. not what i wanted...

 

i'm starting to really feel that she isn't over her exs