Why Do I Have These Bad Relationship Habits?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I've noticed that time and time again, I do the same things in relationships that I believe are unhealthy. They arn't particularly serious (in my opinion), it's just that any input as to WHY I do them would be appreciated.

 

#1. Communication

 

Usually, my boyfriend and I will text each other about 3-5 times during the day, and then phone or msn or both in the evening. However, about 1 day in 14, I'll just ignore all his texts. I have no idea why I do this, it just feels like a good idea at the time. In the evening I'll say "I'm sorry, I forgot my phone today/I was out of phone credit", so there isn't any conflict or bad feeling.

 

I have no rational explanation for that. We have no Issues, we don't argue, I wouldnt' say I felt suffocated at all, hes very non-pressuring. So...?!?

 

#2. Not Accepting ... Acceptance

 

I have a very hard time believing anything positive my boyfriend says about me. Again, no idea why. He doesn't "overdo" it at all, he isn't being sarcastic or insincere, he is very affectionate. To my knowledge, he has never lied to me nor given an indication he has lied to me, so it's a mystery why I feel this way.

 

In a similar vain to #1, I "go along with it" - meaning I don't give any indications of insecurity and smile and say thank you or return them or whatever to the compliments he gives me.

It's almost as though I am resistant to the idea that he actually, you know, likes me as I am.

 

#3. Being A Freak About Family

 

I am freaked out to the point of panic attacks about meeting relations of my significant others.

 

My boyfriend has his mom and 19 year old sister living close by (5 minutes away from his house) and his 25 year old sister living about 20 minutes away. thereforeeee, inevitably, in 7+ months I have met them.

 

I say "met them", because it's here that it becomes embarressing. On every occasion they have been around (just callling in, or whatever) and I've been there, I've had to go upstairs/get my boyfriend to pull the "she's sleeping" thing on them, because I just Can't Meet Them.

 

As one of his proposed End of Uni celebrations, my boyfriend is planning on having a meal out somewhere thats family orientated, meaning that his mom, two sisters, his older sister's husband and his (now deceased) father's partner of 2 years (who lived with him and his father on/off as was convenient).

 

He asked me if I'd go.

 

I said to be honest, I'd rather shave my head and pull out my large toenail, which was the answer he was expecting anyway - I just feel so pathetic next to .. next to.. I don't know. I just know I can't do it with the way my head is. I definitely do not have "Social Anxiety" (aside from when I'm very depressed) - whichever mood I'm' in, it just feels an impossible thing to do. I'd feel so bad and inferior next to them and it makes me so sad that I can't even do a f________g dinner.

[itsallgrand]

Honestly, a lot of that stuff ties right into regular run-of-the-mill depression.

If you were feeling better, I'm betting a lot of that would ease up naturally.

 

Lots of avoidance type stuff.

 

I am so tempted right now to run my mouth about myself and my own behaviors, but I'll spare you. I've done all that tho.

As it stands, I still don't even talk to the guy every day. Every second day : it's all I can handle, it works.

 

I do think you could muster up one dinner with his family at some point. The dreading is worse part.

[nottoogreen]

Honestly, a lot of that stuff ties right into regular run-of-the-mill depression.

If you were feeling better, I'm betting a lot of that would ease up naturally.

 

Lots of avoidance type stuff.

 

Agreed...

... and hurt self stuff too

I am so tempted right now to run my mouth about myself and my own behaviors, but I'll spare you. I've done all that tho.

No need to spare her, she better see that others have problems too, please give here some useful examples and emphasize the need for change within

As it stands, I still don't even talk to the guy every day. Every second day : it's all I can handle, it works.

All the guy can handle?

I do think you could muster up one dinner with his family at some point. The dreading is worse part.

Making some friends perhaps could trust his mom?

[Budman]

You've already done the hardest part.

 

Finding the problem.

 

You know what's wrong.

 

You know how to fix it. Well you implied it anyway.

 

What's stopping you?

[mmmending]

AntiLove,

 

Maybe this is simplistic of me.

 

We, as humans, seem to ignore that we are the sum of our parts - it is what it is.

 

We get so spun out into focussing on parts of the whole, most often, the negative ones. Here, we enable conditions which lead to pure suffering, and become so attached to that suffering we just cannot or will not see what is kind, happy, tender, helpful and so on, about us.

 

Perhaps the concerns you raise are a matter of never having been shown how to do any of these things?

 

Do we expect babies to just walk without guidance and practice?

 

We have so little patience for ourselves and each other at times. We.. in honesty, I expect myself just to spontaneously "know". Without experience, how can I "know" anything?

 

Please be kind to yourself.

[mmmending]

I expect myself just to spontaneously "know". Without experience, how can I "know" anything?

.. for that matter, without practice and the kindhearted patience for self that comes with practice, how could I be expected to investigate anything to know it?

 

Sorry, a little self-referential on my part, taken from another thread of yours, but, you sound very hard on your case in recent posts.. please have a look here, too..

 

gentle, gentle.. m.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Well, whether you "know" things is quite a philosophical question, is it not! It all depends on whether you are an empiricist, a rationalist or somewhere in between..

 

But Ive read all this, more than once. Thank you guys.

[Momene]

I once broke the ice at a girlfriend's aunts by asking "how many marks out of 10 for the new boyfriend?" Went down a treat and they always had a good laugh about it. I was a bit conscious of the fact I was a lot older but it didn't seem to matter.