the ex came back

[sadkittycat]

Two months ago I started seeing a really great guy, the best friend of my best friends husband. Ive know him for a few years but we never hooked up because we were always with other people but I know that hes had a little crush on me for the entire time. Ive been single for well over a year and have finally moved on from my long term ex, while he broke up with his ex in January- it was a messy breakup that involved her smashing up his car.

 

he's the sweetest person I have ever met, always buying me flowers and opening the car door and gushing over me to all his friends, we got along really well, never fought. things progressed really quickly but we discussed it as we went along and both felt ready for a committed relationship. We were seeing each other almost everyday...

 

Well up until yesterday, when he called me to break things off. It turns out that his ex called him up and confessed that she was still in love with him. He told me that this confused him and that he no longer knows what he wants and that he needed time to sort things out, he said that he thinks that he was falling in love with me and it has nothing to do with me, just his baggage, he said that he wasn't sure that they would get back together but that he didn't think that it was fair to me that he was feeling this way.

 

Im hurt that he ended things over the phone, and im confused as to if we are really broken up or if we are on a break, he said that he needs time to sort it out, but I was left feeling dumped...

 

Im not sure what my next move is here... do I just wait and see, or I do I fight for something that I think is worth it...

[Tigris]

I think you should contact him and ask if you're on a break.

 

Maybe a phone call here and there to see how he's doing will remind him you're still around and interested.

 

If he thinks he was starting to fall in love with you then his feelings for her aren't the same anymore. The chances are he'll see his ex in a new light.

[itsallgrand]

he broke up with his ex in January- it was a messy breakup that involved her smashing up his car.

 

Well up until yesterday, when he called me to break things off. It turns out that his ex called him up and confessed that she was still in love with him. He told me that this confused him and that he no longer knows what he wants and that he needed time to sort things out, he said that he thinks that he was falling in love with me and it has nothing to do with me, just his baggage, he said that he wasn't sure that they would get back together but that he didn't think that it was fair to me that he was feeling this way.

 

Does he have a pattern of breaking off with women suddenly?

 

From your post I get the impression he was not 100% clear that he is with you. He left open the possibility that he will get back with the ex?! The chick who smashed up his car?!

 

Something's fishy here. Since your best friend, her hubby, and yourself know each other well and him: what sort of past behavior has this guy shown? He's acting weird.

 

I agree with Tigris. I would call him. What is it that he is feeling that he doesn't want you caught up in? Confusion about how he feels for the ex?

I wouldn't push it, but I would ask. Find out if it is a 'break-up' or a 'break'.

 

If it's a break, I agree with Tigris, calling every so often, loose contact to let him know you're still interested and care about him. (if that's what you want).

 

good luck.

[sadkittycat]

No he doesn't have a pattern of breaking it off suddenly with women, when I told our friends they were completely shocked at his behavior because he had just been telling them that he liked me so much.

 

During our "break-up" he just kept telling me that it really had nothing to do with any thing that I had done, that he really liked/likes me but that he was confused as to how he felt and that he needed time to sort his feelings out. He wasn't sure he was going to go back to her but that he couldn't say that he wasn't going to either. This leads me to think that I should just leave him alone, but im having a hard time fighting the urge to call him. It's the long weekend and I wonder if hes gone to see the ex-girlfriend (she lives about 3.5 hours away) and I would hate to call him if hes with her, I also don't want to push him farther away by bugging him too much.

 

To be honest this isn't the first time the ex has been a problem in our short relationship, I didn't know her at all because she lived so far away and she rarely came to visit. But when she first heard about us getting together she dove down here and asked for him back, but he wouldn't have anything to do with her, told her that he was seeing someone new and was happy with the way that things were going. He told me about this right away and made sure that I wasn't to worry because she was totally out of the picture. I have also heard that when they were together that all they did was fight.

 

Now im worried that I was only a rebound girl, but its had to believe since hes liked me for so long and seemed so smitten with me during the time we were together that I was only being used

 

In a few days hes going to be moving in to an apartment that I helped him find, its close to my work and it will be hard for me to think of him there.

 

I just don't think that this is something that I want to just turn my back on, I feel like I have to do something to reassure him that what we had was worth fighting for, but I don't want to come out of this looking like a fool if he truly would be happier with her.

 

If I do call him how long should I wait (we broke up on Saturday but haven't seen each other since last monday), and what should I say...

[eleanorrigby1]

this unfortunately has happened to lots of girls i know and myself included. Sometimes they think they are over theit ex and they think they are falling inlove with someone else but then the ex comes back on the scene and throws a spanner in the works.

 

I dont think he meant to hurt you, although that doesnt ease the pain. I also dont think he is behaving weird, I think he is just being honest, he is confused and his ex, who he loved had come back and made him question his feelings and rather than hold onto you like a safety net, he has been brave enough to admit this and tell you that he doesnt know what he wants and he needs the space to work it out.

 

I say, behave as though you are broken up. Dont contact him and he knows where you are if he wants you. He just needs to figure out himself what he wants. he knows your number if he wants to speak to you so why should you call him?

 

if you have to call a guy to remind him you exist its hardly the foundation for a relationship is it?

[Belle]

I feel like I have to do something to reassure him that what we had was worth fighting for, but I don't want to come out of this looking like a fool if he truly would be happier with her.

 

If I do call him how long should I wait (we broke up on Saturday but haven't seen each other since last monday), and what should I say...

 

Sadly, you can't convince him that you're worth fighting for. He has to come to that conclusion by himself. Anything you say will pressure him and it's better for him to realize it alone. It will be sincere.

 

I suggest no contact. Honestly. Just wait til he contacts you. He left so the ball is in his court. If you try to convince him, I'm afraid you will really push him away. Your motivation will be selfish. Give him the space he needs to clear out his head.

[sadkittycat]

its been a few days but i still havent heard from him, i miss him alot. he hasnt shown up at my friends house for guys night in this week and hasnt talked to anyone since it happened. im worried about him.

i wish i just knew if he was getting back together with her so that i could just put my mind at ease with the situation. i think that we were so good together and that it is a shame that we didnt get a fair chance, but i also want him to be happy.

since he asked for space, im going to give it to him, but i just dont want to give up and never talk to him again, ill miss his friendship. i think that in the short time that we were a couple i started having "loving" feelings for him, and it scares me that he might not know how i feel for him.

is it ok to call in two weeks if i dont hear from him? not to tell him how i feel, but just to see how hes doing?

ps. hes got alot of my things how long do i wait to get them back? i dont want to use them as an excues to see him, but they are things of value...

[GottaLetItBurn]

Once again. The girl I cared for very much and we were bestfriends went back to her ex. We were hanging out then he started showing up at places we went and having these little conversations then she started slowly calling me less and less. Then she would switch lines, until completely blowing me off.

 

I found out from my friends that she was back with him. Then she very subtly said that she was "kind of taken".

 

That crushed me, it's taken me almost a year to get over the betrayal of it. Then on top she still trys to be my FRIEND!!???

 

I'm suggesting that you make him choose you or nothing. I'm telling you I would do anything and I pray that you don't have to go through the pain of getting crushed by him. Give HIM the ultimatum.

 

Don't get thrown aside as a fall back plan or let him try and string you along because it is going to hurt you bad. I hope he comes to his senses. The second time is just a waste for him, because it's just going to get him and her back to the same spot where they broke up.

 

That is wasting his time, and hurting you. Once it's over it's over, there should be no second chances because it's just a fantasy that never works. If it didn't work the first time it won't work the second. If he doesn't know that then you should move on.

[sadkittycat]

i want to thank everyone for their advice. im still not sure what to do, one min i think that nc is the best way to go while other times i think that i will never be able to frogive myself if i just sit here and to nothing to let him know how i feel. last night i woke up at three desperatly wanting to call him.

this morning while i was walking into work someone with the same car as him honked at me while i was crossing the bridge. i didnt see the driver but now im wondering if it was him. he knows that i cross that bridge every day at the same time, but there is nowhere for cars to slow down or stop for miles past where i work. at first i was positive that it was him, and wanted to call his cell right away, but now doubt that it was only wishful thinking has crept into my mind.

i so confused, i cant sleep or eat, and i miss him so much.

[sadkittycat]

i want to thank everyone who gave me advice over the last few days...

i learned today from a friend that he did infact get back together with his ex. and that they are moving into the apartment that i helped him get. it seems as though that he may have started seeing her again before the "break" and this makes me sad, as my heart is broken. however i hope that the fact that it is all over and that there is no more stringing me along will help me find closure. i truly loved him and hope that he finds happyness the second time around.

goodbye kevin, thank you for all the good times we had together, thank you for teaching me that i am able to love again... you will always be in my heart.

[eosesd]

I am going through the exact same thing right now. So I'm curious - it's been a few months now. Did he ever call you? Did he leave her? Are you happier now? Right now I'm feeling very depressed. Mine also went back to his ex and I was apparently just his rebound. I'd love to hear how it is going.