Jealous over b/f getting off to celebrity porn

[brokenangel]

I was raised in a home where my mom found my dad with porn. She treated this as if it was he cheated and she threatened to leave him. Needless to say, she is totally against it, and so, that is how I started feeling about it.

 

It bothered me with my first real boyfriend, but another issue arised that became more important.

 

Now I am with my second, and hope to be last, boyfriend. I love him to death, we get along great, except when it comes to my issue with the porn.

 

Once he told me he would stop if I asked him and when I did a few months later, he said he didn't know why he said that, and that he wouldn't because he felt he wasn't doing anything wrong and that I was overreacting.

 

Now, I've gotten a lot better about it. I understand that guys need to do it, but I still have my insecurities. The thing that irritates me is when I see that he's looked at famous people (ie. Jennifer Lopez, Angelina Jolie, Mariah Carey, etc.). It is to the point where if I see these girls on t.v. and we are together, I will want him to change the channel or I will do it. Some of them he doesn't know I know he's looked at so he will ask me why I changed the channel. Yes, they are pretty, but I can't stand to know that my boyfriend looks at them that way and then sit there and watch something with them in it.

 

Can anyone give me any advice as to how to deal with this? We had a fight about it tonight and it ended up with him telling me he didn't want to see me tomorrow and him hanging up on me.

[Stumbeline]

First of all, he's not REALLY looking at Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez, or Angelina Jolie. They're just look alikes or computerized pictures.

 

Secondly, it's totally normal. It allows him to get off when you aren't able to do it for him. I had the same problem with one of my old boyfriends...and if you don't make too big of a deal about it then he won't be as interested. Kind of ironic, but true. Try not to think about it...I mean, he can't even see J Lo or Mariah Carey or whoever in person...and as long as he isn't cheating, Who's it hurting? No one. You'll still be his number one because you're there...he can hold you and touch you, and that beats any picture you can stare at.

 

If it REALLY REALLY bothers you, explain to him calmly why. If he gets defensive or tells you that you aren't worth stopping, then he isn't worth your time.

[brokenangel]

I want to say thanks for replying...As for the pictures, he really is looking at them. Yea, some of the ones I've seen aren't really them...But the ones he usually looks at ARE pictures of them...For example, with Jennifer Lopez, they are pictures where she's wearing underwear where most of her butt is showing, Mariah in underwear and bra, etc. It's the same as other porn, but it bothers me more because they aren't just some no name random porn people...Which makes it uncomfortable to watch t.v. I also shouldn't be looking, but there's a way to see what he's looked at even if he deleted it. Even though I know it will bother me, I still look out of curiosity.

 

I know it's normal, but it's driving me crazy. You said if I didn't make a big deal maybe he wouldn't be as interested, but he was still all about it before he knew I knew some of the people he looks at.

 

I try so hard not to think about it, but when he's at home online I'm constantly wondering, "What is he looking up?" and it will usually cause a fight when he calls me. I've always been insecure and had low self-esteem and I know he will never meet them in person, but I guess that makes me think that if he could, these are the people he'd rather be with or that I need to look like them.

 

I've tried talking to him plenty of times, he's totally sick and tired of it and will not talk about it any further. He feels that he's not doing anything wrong. I must sound crazy, but I love him to death, want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I can't stand this jealousy.

[brokenangel]

Also, what should I do about this tomorrow? It's becoming an endless cycle with the fighting about it, getting over it until the next time it happens...He says he doesn't wanna see me tomorrow, but I said I was coming over anyway because he always shuts down and doesn't talk. Should I just let it go?

[Jamiegirl]

Maybe you should just give him a day without talking to him. I used to be in the same boat , all your doing is pushing him away. And if you want to hang on to this guy try not to let it bother you. Easier said than done , I know but just try anyways, and instead of yelling at him about it or how you feel write it down and get it all out thats what I do. Afterwards I dont even feel like telling him whats bothering me about him and things go on smoothly.

[glassbell]

Hi Brokenangel

 

I very much understand your feelings about the celebrity porn your boyfriend watches. I can see how you can feel awkward and jealous if you see those famous women on tv, it is like they are his 'women-on-the-side' right? For your comfort: you are not alone in this, i have felt bad as well when I had a boyfriend who used to watch celebrity porn and pictures of a different race than me so I felt I was not good enough for him.

 

Please try to realize though, that our fear and jealousy about this is not realistic. He is merely watching 'body-parts' that arouse him, and he chose celebrities because those women appeal to him more because he's seen them before. Men and the visual aspect you know.. Women usually have fantasies (many times of other men than their own) in their minds, whereas men usually prefer actually 'seeing' something sexually arousing with their eyes. So he just uses J Lo and co for one purpose, and afterwards, he'll just forget about them. The only one who remembers, are you when J Lo is on tv. HE loves you, wants you, desires you.

 

Well you probably already know al this. I just wanted to tell you that I'd find it such a pity if the issue would bring your awsome relationship in danger. Sit down and think about it, how important is this relationship for you and do you want this issue to spoil all your happiness? I have a strange advise for you but it helped for me so here it is. He'll never stop watching porn, and if he does, he'll just find something else that might bother you. But you have the power to CHOOSE not to be bothered by his watching at celebrity porn. Laugh it away, and tell him you don't care as long as he comes to you for the real thing. Make jokes about it next time you see them on tv, bring it out in the open, you'll see, at some point if you look at the issue a little more lighthearted, you won't be bothered by it anymore.

 

Good luck with it!

~Glassbell

[brokenangel]

Thanks for the responses...I am thinking maybe I should give him his space tomorrow, but it kills me to be on bad terms. He is going away for 2 weeks on Sunday and so I kinda wanted it to be nice before he left...

 

As for Glassbell's post, thanks for making me feel that I am not alone. He surely thinks no one else's girlfriend gives him a hard time like I have...And it seems that you know exactly how I feel; like these are the women he cheats on me with...That's exactly how I feel and I get all upset and worked up.

 

I know the fear is unrealistic, but it still is scary. I almost wonder if those are things he wishes he could change about me. Thanks for trying to help me understand why he looks at the people he does...That does make sense. Do you really think he forgets about them after his purpose though? I mean, that's why I wanna change the channel when they come on because I don't wanna know what he's thinking about them. I try to tell myself he loves me, but I guess in the back of my mind, even though he's told me he wouldn't, I wonder if he'd leave me for one of them if he had the chance...I'm sure I sound crazy again.

 

We really do have a great relationship other than this. And I don't want to leave him so I guess that should tell me that it isn't a huge deal as I make it out to be. I guess I just wish for perfection although I know it's not possible and I wish I could be enough so that he wouldn't look. Maybe his age is a factor as well? I wonder if guys look at it less and less as they get older? He just turned 20 and I'll be 23 in 2 months...

 

Thanks again, though. Hopefully one day I won't be tempted to look and see what he's been looking at and be able to sleep at night.

[Zoe10]

Hi broken angel.

 

The way I look at it somewhat different from the other posts. I hope not too confuse you more, but I just want to let you know that I dont think you are being unreasonable. First of all, not all guys look at porn. And I dont think women *have* to put up with it. Im sure he does love you, and Im sure he only wants you, but I still dont think that is a good enough reason. I do know some girls dont mind their bf's looking at porn, and that is their business, but if someone (like you) really struggles with accepting it - I dont reccomend you just deal with it! Would your boyfriend mind if you were looking at porn? Best thing is to talk about, and probably best at the times when youre not bursting with anger. Its obviously making you feel like youre not good enough, and I dont think youre over reacting.

 

zoe

[brokenangel]

Hi Zoe, thanks for replying...I've been dying over here hoping someone would give some more advice...

 

I, in a way, think I overreact, but only because of what my boyfriend has told me. We have talked/argued about the subject plenty of times and he's really getting sick of it. He will not stop, he has cut back, but he will not talk about it anymore because he says he's not doing anything wrong. At this point if I bring it up, he gets mad and just says he doesn't care anymore and that he can do whatever he wants, but it seems out of anger. He is youger than me, which I'm wondering, could be a factor (he just turned 20 and I'll be 23 soon).

 

Yea, I've been told not all guys look at it, but that most do. I don't know if it makes sense to go out and be like, "Hey, do you look at porn? If you do, then I won't date you.". Same thing with me not thinking I should break up with him over it...I mean, I guess I am happy that he has cut back and that he doesn't keep it on his computer.

 

I really don't know what to do since talking can't happen anymore. He has compromised by cutting back like I mentioned, but now I'm just hung up on the famous people aspect.

 

I just wrote him a 3 page letter that I want to drop off at his work trying to explain why I feel the way I do since talking makes him shut down...I am just as sick of talking about it as he is...

[brokenangel]

By the way, I sleep at his house 6 days of the week and it's these one days a week that he does this. It's almost 6 a.m. and I haven't slept yet because I've been upset about how we got off the phone and thinking about what he looked at. And like I said, even though he deletes the stuff off of his computer (although who knows if he will start keeping it on there since we fought), there is still a way I can see what he downloaded and I will subconsciously wake up early if I do fall asleep, to drive over there and look to see what he looked at. Why do I do that to myself? I mean, I know it's curiosity, but why do I do it when I know it will only hurt me?

[netman]

Brokenangel, I have 2 opinions on this.

 

First, you definitely do have insecurity issues, but I think you've already admitted to that, so you're definitely on your way to bettering yourself. It does sound a little extreme getting upset over your b/f not changing the channel when J. Lo or Mariah Carrey are on the TV.

 

Second, I think that he's not showing you the respect that you deserve. But the same way you're working on your problem, your b/f should be making an effort to work on his. All guys look at porn regardless, but how obvious guys are about it depends on the individuals. For example, every since my g/f and I have gotten closer, I gradually slowed down looking at porn, and to be honest I hardly look at it as much anymore, but that's just me.

 

It sounds to me like there's more issues in your relationship then just the subject of porn. Are there other things that you guys fight about? I think you mentioned that he looks at other girls too and you argue about these things to him repeatedly. Could it be the way you're expressing your feelings on all this? Do you yell at him? Do you give him attitude every day? Do you nag him about all this stuff? Do you accuse him of looking at the girls and maybe more than that? That's a major turn off.

 

I think that any man that chooses porn over his g/f has some sort of addiction, whether he admits or not. He may not admit it, but you guys really have to open up the communication lines and drop all the cards on the table to clear the air. Something negative is bound to happen if you guys don't work on these things and I could see that you care about him, so definitely start by having a calm, mature conversation with him.

 

Give him his space, and wait until he comes around. If he loves you, he'll take the time to think about the relationship and what he could do to make it better, even if the start is just to openly talk about all this. Good luck and keep us posted!!

[Jennkitchen79]

Girlfriend, you definetly have insecurity issues. I look at porn all the time with my man. It's no big deal. You are pushing him away and you may lose him. It's just a fantasy thng.

 

Tell me you've never fantasized about Brad Pitt or Antonio Benderez or say some other male. C'mon, you are older and more experienced than he is. I think you are being way too dramatic over this.

 

And don't say that you have never masterbated, let's keep it real here, when us girls masterbate we have to fantasize or look at something to help get us off.

 

It's the same thing darlin'..........leave him be, men are perv's, always

[wonderer]

In a way I agree w/ Stumbeline's advice. IF it is not affecting your sexual relationship, then leave him alone because it will only get worse if you don't. Trust me on this, I know. I'm dealing w/ a similar situation, except much worse.

[Goincrazy]

Ok well I have a problem solving technique you could try. You should tell him not to do it and after every week, you reward him. (For not doing it for 1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, etc). How you reward him is up to you but maybe that could help. Maybe if you do this for him for a few months, he will lose the urge, but how most guys are you never know. I'm a guy and after I watched that movie 40 Days 40 Nights I tried to do what that guy Josh Hartnett did and I stopped for nearly 3 months somehow and now I never have the urge and it's been almost 5 months. Anyway good luck!

[brokenangel]

 

 

Ok, I'm going to try to attack this:

- It is a little extreme about the t.v. thing, but how would you feel if you were watching t.v. knowing your g/f was looking at those people in that manner? I know it's dumb, but it makes me feel insecure. Almost like "the other girl" type deal.

 

- There's nothing else we fight about, except this. I've tried talking rationally, but I guess I've tried talking to many times because he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and now just gets mad at me. I didn't mean to say that he looks at other girls openly or does anything else. I meant a previous occasion where we talked about a bathing suit I bought, I asked if he ever looked at other girls and thought they were hot or whatever and he said yes. Just trying to prove a point that guys will look at other girls, even if I'm his girlfriend.

 

- I've tried communication, but he turns the tables on me and it turns into a fight. Then I apologize so we don't do this...And then it happens again. Like I said, endless cycle.

[brokenangel]

Girlfriend, you definetly have insecurity issues. I look at porn all the time with my man. It's no big deal. You are pushing him away and you may lose him. It's just a fantasy thng.

 

Tell me you've never fantasized about Brad Pitt or Antonio Benderez or say some other male. C'mon, you are older and more experienced than he is. I think you are being way too dramatic over this.

 

And don't say that you have never masterbated, let's keep it real here, when us girls masterbate we have to fantasize or look at something to help get us off.

 

Well, I know I have insecurities...But my b/f doesn't let me watch it with him. It's something he doesn't even want to talk about. Honestly, when I do fantasize, I think of him.

 

Also, what do I do when I've even gone as far as to take pictures of myself and he doesn't look at them?

[brokenangel]

Ok well I have a problem solving technique you could try. You should tell him not to do it and after every week, you reward him. (For not doing it for 1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, etc.)

 

This sounds like such a good idea, but I don't think he'd go for it. I don't even know how I'd proposition it...Actually, I've tried something similar, offering to do whatever whenever he wants and also taking pictures, but these don't work...He really doesn't look at the pictures and he does take me up on my offers sometimes, but that doesn't help when I'm not around. I only sleep alone 1 day a week so why is it that that one night every week he feels the need to do that? I'm even kinda fine with him doing it, it's just the famous people, like I said, that bothers me.

[lizzy6107]

I can only speak from my own experience, which has been and continues to be very painful. I divorced my husband of 12 years because of his pornography addiction. I am letting go of my current boyfriend because he does not acknowledge that I am being very hurt by his interest in pornography.

I have tried to deal with it, but I tell you, I would feel the same way if I found my man in bed with another woman as I do when I find that they are using pornography for sexual gratification outside of our relationship.

I feel crushed and anxious and definetely cheated on. What is the big difference between him getting off on hundreds of younger sexier prettier girls than me, or having sex with a real normal person? I don't see that one is worse than the other. I really feel it's cheating.

If he wont give it up for you, then it's up to you to decide if you can handle it. Maybe down the track you may be asked to put up with something even worse.

I think it's selfish for a man to deprive his partner of a good sexual relationship. It's not as if you are refusing him?

If he is getting it elsewhere, then maybe you should too.

 

one other thing, I think 'looking' is normal. Not masturbating by yourself and then not being able to get it together for your partner.