Men...Is this true?

[tylercdurden2004]

Theres nothing wrong wit flirting as long as its kept very low key and doesnt make your SO uncomfortable which in this case seems to be the...well case.

[DN]

Wow... I appreciate the follow ups and will take them into consideration. I am friendly, but by no means... do anything to "get attention". You may view it as that, but it is not the case. It actually hurts me for someone I don't know to say that when you don't know me. This is about being friendly to male friends, female friends... not seeking attention. I don't need that.

 

Thanks Tyler and DN for your opinions. Thank you also Scout and Suprema99, although your replies have put me to tears.

 

No need for tears - just a quick look at what you are doing that may be unconsciously giving out an unintended message.

 

Interaction between the sexes can be easily misunderstood and what is entirely innocent friendliness can be misinterpreted, If it is happening often then you may need to change slightly the way you deal with people.

 

For instance: most people have a 'personal space' around them that they are uncomfortable letting strangers into. Assuming there is enough room they will stand a certain distance away while talking. But if they become more comfortable with that person, and especially if they have a romantic interest, they will stand closer. Sometimes noticeably closer, especially noticeable to a partner of one of the people having the conversation.

 

But if someone does not have a natural discomfort in letting strangers into their personal space they are usually unaware that they are giving the wrong idea to other people and that partners are also getting that same incorrect impression.

 

That may be the sort of thing you are doing.

[Relationship Coach]

Bottom line is you are married and your husband is obviously uncomfortable with your behavior. If you are committed to your marriage you need to respect what he is saying. If other women are giving you the "green eye" maybe it's time you tone down your friendliness. Couples need to have an understanding as to what they are both comfortable with and what they are not, thus avoiding this situation entirely.

 

RC

[Starfall]

Thank you DN, that was very nicely put. I really appreciate it and will take it into consideration.

[Starfall]

Bottom line is you are married and your husband is obviously uncomfortable with your behavior. If you are committed to your marriage you need to respect what he is saying. If other women are giving you the "green eye" maybe it's time you tone down your friendliness. Couples need to have an understanding as to what they are both comfortable with and what they are not, thus avoiding this situation entirely.

 

RC

 

I should express this differently. My husband isn't upset by how I am, this is why he fell in love with me. It's when certain situations come up and I ask "why" that he smiles and says it's because I'm too friendly to males. I never thought I was giving off that vibe. I see now that I must.

[Starfall]

Of course starfell, But you are asking basic questions here. Excpect honest answers always. Hopefully. So again no offense.

 

Thank you.. point taken. I feel better now with you definitely.

[DN]

Years ago I was at a party. Late at night (actually early in the morning) most of us were sitting around talking, some on chairs, some on the floor. A man and a woman were having a very close and fairly quiet conversation in a corner sitting next to each other on the floor. It went on for some time and after a while people began to notice how involved they were with each other and there were some questioning looks. Finally, the woman's husband called from accross the floor "Hey Ron! I'll be citing you in the divorce if you're not careful". It was said as a joke but there was also a warning there.

 

Everyone laughed and it relieved the tension but most people thought there was something going on between them. But because my girlfriend and I were sitting next to them I knew they were only talking about the rights and wrongs of capital punishment. They had not been flirting at all - but it sure looked like it.

[annie24]

Wow... I appreciate the follow ups and will take them into consideration. I am friendly, but by no means... do anything to "get attention". You may view it as that, but it is not the case. It actually hurts me for someone I don't know to say that when you don't know me. This is about being friendly to male friends, female friends... not seeking attention. I don't need that.

 

 

Is it possible that you are seeking attention.... from your husband? To try to make him jealous? You say that you always will "playfully fight" about the attention you give to other men. Do you think you may hug men to kind of get under your husband's skin at times?

 

And I agree with relationship coach. I think that the utmost importance is making sure that your relationship is comfortable and not to do things that your husband has repeatedly said bothers him. You can be pleasant and polite to other men without hugging them.

[Relationship Coach]

My husband isn't upset by how I am

 

Then why would he even bring it up if this is true? Many times things like this get revealed in a tongue and cheek fashion to let it be known in a more subtle way. If you are unaware of what "vibes" you are giving to men, how can you be so sure that your husband is not bothered by your actions? Take a few steps back and get a different perspective on this. This is a place to seek answers, not to get defensive because others have a different opinion than yours.

 

RC

[annie24]

I used to be hyper-flirty myself, and I got PLENTY of ugly looks from the guys' girlfriends. I used to say to myself, "oh, well, I'm just being nice and friendly." Yet, I learned, it isn't very nice and friendly to be pushing my breasts against a guy while his girlfriend is right there watching! (And not good even when his gf ISN'T watching!)

 

What I'm trying to say is that it's about boundaries and respect. Respecting your relationship with your husband, and being respectful and not causing problems with other couples. Part of being nice and friendly isn't pissing off a ton of girlfriends.

 

Obviously, like someone else pointed out, there are some girlfriends out there that are very insecure and will get upset no matter what you do. Like one time I was on a boat day trip, I was waiting in line for the only bathroom. A man was standing next to me in line, and I said something like, "nice day, isn't it?" Right away his girlfriend ran from the other side of the boat, grabbed his arm, and gave me an evil glance. This woman was over-reacting. However, if your behavior can interpreted as flirting by bystanders, it's not being polite AT ALL to his woman, or YOUR husband.

[Starfall]

Is it possible that you are seeking attention.... from your husband? To try to make him jealous? You say that you always will "playfully fight" about the attention you give to other men.

 

No, we playfully fight about our debate over what men think and what women think over certain situations.

I don't do anything to try and make him jealous. I think people are thinking more than what it is. A playful debate over how men and women think. This isn't an issue in my marriage by any means. I was just curious with what others thought.

I don't need attention. I don't try to make him jealous. He is fine with me.

I do need to change how I interact because I don't want to give men the wrong impression.

My husband doesn't think I do anything wrong.. he just says men can take my friendliness for something else. There's nothing more to it than that.

[annie24]

well, you can't help what people think, but you can try to control your own actions. like I pointed out about the boat trip, I just made a generic comment to the person standing next to me while in line for the bathroom - hardly an occasion to flirt. But, his girlfriend took it as more.

 

You may make less enemies if you distance yourself a bit from some of these men. Yes, some may take it the wrong way, and YES some of their gfs/wives may wind up thinking you're out to get their man.

[Relationship Coach]

My husband doesn't think I do anything wrong.. he just says men can take my friendliness for something else. There's nothing more to it than that.

 

That is my point in which you are missing. He does have a problem with it, you're not getting it. He would not bring this up out of the blue or open it up for discussion unless he had a view which was being ignored by you. It's not worth spending anymore time on this but I'm telling you, he has an issue with your behavior and I can understand why it's been discussed more than once. You only see your side of the issue, thereforeeee you have dismissed his comments as petty remarks without merit. It's time to listen up or start preparing for more issues waiting in the wings.

 

RC

[Starfall]

RC, I missed your threads..

I have not "missed your point".

I do talk to my husband about this. Which is why I'm getting others opinions on this. I appreciate all opinions.

Telling me I need to "listen up" and so forth is out of line. I have never dismissed his comments as petty remarks. I don't leave his side when we go anywhere. I don't go anywhere without him. You don't know me. I put him first in everything. I will talk more about this with him as I don't want him to be hurt, ever, by my actions. I appreciate all opinions... both good and bad. There is a difference in how you can say something... being harsh... and the way in which others say the same without being that way.

[suprema99]

Starfell, I thought that from the beginning. I agreed your husband trusts you. I feel you do do also. Nobody knows your relationship more than you do. I agree with annie, about boundries and respect.

[annie24]

What I think that RC is trying to say is this... Even jokes have a bit of truth to them. That is why they are funny. While your husband is bringing up your flirtiness in a playful manner, the fact is that he is NOTICING it and it is probably bothering him on some level. Maybe he doesn't feel confident enough to say, "I feel threatened when you flirt with other men" so instead, he is poking little jokes here and there, hoping you get the hint and back off.

 

I think him saying, "Other men could take it the wrong way..." is him saying, "hey - maybe you think you're just being nice, but some people will think you are making sexual advances!"

[suprema99]

I don't think he's not being confident here. He brought it out on the table in a subtle way. Hoping she will get the message.

[Relationship Coach]

Thank you Annie for putting that in a less HARSH way for me. The point is you assume that your behavior is innocent and your husband is OK with it. Reading your post tells a different story, being HARSH on my last post was to get your head out of the clouds so you would realize there may be something you are missing. I do this for a living and people pay me to be straight forward and honest, not to sugar coat things. There's a problem here and you are not seeing it.

 

RC

[Starfall]

Suprema99 and Annie, thank you for your constructive critisism. I really do appreciate it. I have said that I will talk to my husband and he is a priority to me along with his feelings. You both said the same thing RC said, only in a much more constructive way that can only be beneficial for the one needing help and advice. Thanks.

[melrich]

Hi Starfall,

 

I'd encourage you to re-read this thread again in one hit. You might be interested to see the emotions you have stirred in people with a pretty straightforward question in an online environment.

[Relationship Coach]

this should look familiar but what does it really mean?

[Starfall]

Yes I have, it's amazing to me.

But I did learn a lot I must say.

[melrich]

But I did learn a lot I must say.

 

I hope so.

[Starfall]

Most definitely.

I need to be clearer with how I explain things and talk to my husband to make sure he doesn't feel this way.

[itsallgrand]

Your original post stirred feelings in me too. Feeling like "tsk tsk. Why do the rest of us women have to suffer because some pull junk like this?!"

 

If you get it now, hopefully you'll see my point.