A break for the better?

[Rain__man]

I dont know your situation, but to generalise, if someone asked a break from me, I would end the relationship.

 

Someone posted this in another thread, and it's funny... I said the same thing... yesterday. We had both decided a few days ago to split up and give a lot of thought about our slowly declining happiness with each other, we were picking at each other consistently over really stupid things for a while now. Before about 10pm last night, I would have said that taking a break was for people that weren't sure about each other. Moreover, I didn't think I had it in me to part with someone I loved so much for a long period without psyching myself out to give them up altogether. I certainly never thought that agreeing to seek other physical relationships would ever allow me to let that person back into my life.

 

But after hours of yelling at each other, crying, and I think both learning a whole lot more about each other (all in one conversation)... we realized that the fears that had had us both on edge and cranky with each other were completely unfounded, and that the ones we had hidden from ourselves were completely true. We truly both need some time to grow on our own. My girl and I have been together for almost two years now, and we've agreed to split for roughly two months, and get back together in August, as long as we've both done everything we agreed to (if not then just a bit longer). We both agreed to have no physcal contact, but after a week or so, we can still talk to each other.

 

When I asked if we should look at other people (thank you to whoever on here said that you should clearly define boundries), she said that she did not want to look for a relationship with anyone, but that... physical contact with other people might happen if someone truly interested her. I know she's not the type of girl to be out tramping around, but I knew that if we left it so open-ended, I would just go crazy.

 

It took a while for me to come to terms with what she had just said, and I know she also felt horrible for feeling that way. So... we made it a requirement. We will both have to find one person to sleep with before we get back together. We also said that person should be worthwhile enough that we will actually tell each other about it, and celebrate the other one getting laid. I'm still not sure I'm completely comfortable with it, and I'm not sure she is either. I hope we're both a bit more sane knowing that we won't come back with an unequal experience, and that the one who didn't do something would resent the other (most likely me- she's very pretty, and though I'm no dog, hers is the easy part).

 

We both have a few things in our lives we need to change before we're ready to see each other again, but I think that might just be the most important one. I think we've both had a lot of hidden fears about being together forever before we're done being young, before we experience someone else after everything we've tought each other. I think we're on the right path, and even though I already miss her so much, I know we'll be stronger than ever once we're ready to see each other.

 

Thanks for reading all that, maybe writing it all out just now helped me to deal with it a bit better. This is one of my first posts on here, but you all seem to be a really great group of people (been reading on here for a few weeks now). I'd really appreciate any comments or advice any of you have one all this... it's still really weird to me.

[melrich]

Hi Rain Man,

 

What actually got you to this point?

 

I guess you have sort of done everything now. I don't know how committed you were to this relationship but if this is a girl that you could see yourself with long term I think you have taken an enourmous chance..then again maybe you had no choice.

 

My thoughts, this will be a tough gig. The sleeping with one other person idea is just an outright bad idea.

 

I'll be interested to see how you go if you want to keep us in touch.

[Skippy]

erhhh.. Good luck.

YOu are confused now, wait till you both sleep with someone else and then come back together in 2 months. NOW that will be further CONFUSION and FRUSTRATION and BETRAYAL.

When you end it, you end it. It is better to not know then to know.

 

The logic behind it... i dont know,but to say, "hey, my gf slept with someone else which she believed to have had substance (maybe more then me) and i am hoping she will come back to me in2 months." DUH!!

 

A break is a break, you should never plan further then a break, it will hurt you or her. Expect that she will sleep with someone else, expect that she will try something new, Expect her to change and not come back. If she does good for you, if she doesnt, you have already ended it and thus have no right to feel jealous.

 

Dont set yourself up for pain. What you are going thru is the fear of ending the relationship. You are gong to keep each other on a string and it is gong to hurt.

 

BUT that is my opinion.

[Rain__man]

Melrich: ...but if this is a girl that you could see yourself with long term I think you have taken an enourmous chance..then again maybe you had no choice.

 

That pretty much sums it up.

 

The break was her idea, and at first, I felt exactly the way Skippy does. By the time we were back in each other's arms, I think a lot had changed between us. By the end of the night, I started to get the feeling that we could (and wanted to) make it through this, both of us.

 

By the end we were truly in agreement that we both needed to work on some things with some alone time. We've both known for a while that we want to change some things about ourselve for each other's sake if we're going to last. I think we've actually been holding ourselves back from that in our comfort with each other (procrastinators, both of us and that we're both a little hurt that nothing's been happening. It IS a risk, but I hope that, knowing both our personalities, the terms will give us the best chance we could have at a time like this. I honestly believe that we both will be trying to make ourselves better for each other with this time. If not... well, these are all things that are important to do for ourselves.

(example: I have been wanting to get my own apt. for a long time now, but I've been lazy about it, and spending all my time with her... nothing was getting done).

 

Skippy: Expect that she will sleep with someone else, expect that she will try something new, Expect her to change and not come back. If she does good for you, if she doesnt, you have already ended it and thus have no right to feel jealous.

 

I agree in a lot of ways, I expect us both to change, and I think the sex thing gives neither one of us the right to be jealous (which is the whole idea). But if I start expecting her not to come back I lose bigger. I could end it now in my head... or I could get in better shape, get my own pad, have some good sex, start to meet more new people, and cut back on my smoking before I get all depressed. Any way you slice it, if it were to end, it would suck big time. I really do believe in us, but at my most selfish, I'd rather be in a better position to be her man or move on when it's time. I think she is doing the same.

 

I guess you could say that... we're either very wise fools, or just fools. Only time will tell the truth.

[Rain__man]

Deleted post... man I'm a jack@ss... (I later put them both in quotes below... shouldn't try to erase the past, or the truth)

 

 

And the second...

[priv8239]

My story is here

 

The thing with us is we didn't define boundries, she told me it didn't involve guys, but I found out it did. I still love her very much and I know I need to sort my life out to be able to have a relationship with her, the breakup was good for me in terms of waking up to how important she is to me and what I did wrong to get to that point, so I guess I need time, but she needs it more than me as she has never been single and free in her life to do things without having someone to worry about, I feel she needs to do it, or we risk her wanting to find out later what its like, we were also talking about getting back together in August, in Greece on holiday together with her family and friends, but she wasn't sure how long this "break" would be and all she knew is that when she was ready, she wanted to let me know and it would be to start a new relationship with me.

 

I like the fact you guys have got boundries, but what if you're not ready in August? Are you doing what I'm doing and setting yourself up to be very disappointed? Maybe the best thing we can do is treat it like it is the end, and if we get back together, great, if not, we haven't dragged out the whole process, cause trust me, its crap, I'm so depressed now I've found out about this guy, and I'm not sure if she is only fooling herself about what she wants and is going to let me down.

 

The only thing I do know, like your situation is that we both love each other. I was told by someone if I just give her space but let her know I still care, things will be OK. Its difficult to balance givning her space, but contacting her to let her know you still care...

[Rain__man]

I have been talking on here... but not really asking any questions haven't I? This looks more like a journal than someone asking for help... All blustering like an @$$, and blubbering like a little kid aside, I think I'm starting to get the mindset that will get through this. I started out above, being arrogant and blaming her, and feeling like I should demand change from her too. I hit rock bottom yesterday, where I felt like it was all my fault. Now I think I can see where the truth probably lies smack down the middle, if not a little more on me.

 

Melrich, you asked what got us here... It's always been really hard to tell what she wants, she was a fairly poor communicator in the beginning and still has a hard time asking for what she wants- unless she psychs herself up and puts the fighting gloves on. The only time she complains about anything is once a month when I know better than to take her that seriously- but I guess it was only the attitude I should have ignored, not the words.

 

A lot of me still feels like she is wrong breaking us up and demanding changes she never really tried to endorse... I can accept the fact that she might need some time alone, or that she might just believe we need some time apart, but if there is one thing I believe it's that you have no right demanding that someone else change for you, that you try to help them change- especially when they agree with you. I have tried to endorse her being more bold, and be there for her when she needed someone... which used to be all the time. She is finally growing out of that clingyness, and believing she should speak up for what she believes in, and lately I think resenting me for acting like she still needs my help with everything. There, I realize I was wrong. Am I wrong too in feeling that we should have at least tried to work on these things without going to such a drastic and dangerous approach? Shouldn't we have made that desicion together if we both still believed in the other?

 

But I've found out a lot in this short time, and done a lot. I've realized in myself a lot of little things I don't like about myself that she hinted at, but never outright said... not while even trying to be constructive about it. Almost a year ago, I could tell something was bothering her, and after an hour of trying, I finally got her to tell me what was bothering her; that I don't want to go out and party as much as she does, and that that is becoming something she wants to make an important part of her life right now. I don't mean raging keggers at frathouses, she's definitely beyond that, or I never would have fallen for her. I'm definitely not the most socially comfortable person, and after working 60+ hours a week, I often turn down going to late night events and prefer to go out to dinner or a movie and just chill with her. After I knew this was bothering her, I thought I was really trying... but sometimes I just don't feel like it, that's just how I am. Now I wish I had created more of those events on my own... this weekend I jumped in my truck and went to the river for the weekend and had a blast; just the sort of thing we should've been doing all along. Am I wrong in thinking that she should've suggested more of these things that we could plan for too, rather than getting hurt when her or our friends just pop something out of the blue, and I was just in the mood to chill?

 

The thing I'll be the first to admit I screwed up major (and did admit it a week before this happened) is that I knew how much my smoking bothered her... and she had told me that she never wanted to be with a smoker, and that it scared her to want to be with someone for the rest of her life who was slowly killing himself. I haven't done a damn thing about it, and I have never wanted to be the pack-and-a-halfer I am right now (work stress has made me worse than ever lately, but I smoke that often at work or not). I never wanted to ignore that for so long, and I really feel like sh** about it... that's not who I am, I want to become the person the woman I love wants to be with. All the same, I still did nothing in the week leading to this, I put my work stress ahead of the woman I loved.

 

So many things make sense now that I cannot deny that this break will be good for us both individually, but I think I agree with Mel. This is dangerous to us; it seems like every issue but her space could've been attacked as a team, and I had no choice in the matter. Do you think this has a chance of us both actually wanting the other at the end? Am I wrong to feel like she chose to risk everything than to aggressively try to get what she wants?

[Rain__man]

Yipes... no opinions at all?

[phantomwolff85]

I definitely feel like it could work. You know the issues, acknowledge them, and are willing to work on them.

As far as going on a break, I think that too will give you time to clear your mind. The only advice I would suggest is to think about your real level of commimitment to not smoking. I had some issues in my past relationship and I thought I was willing to work on them, but I really wasn't or at least not to the level that was needed. Anlayzing past behavior and thoughts really does wonders.

I still feel very hopefuly for you and her and I wish you good luck.

[HardShowingAffection]

Rain_Man, I totally see where you are coming from. There were alot of things that happened with my ex and I that I would have gladly changed and worked towards, if she would have spoken up and let me know to the extent at which these things bothered her. I was doing things the way that I knew how, and when she went along with them, and appeared happy, I had no idea that some things were tearing her apart inside.

 

It does take two. There might have been some subtle hints, but in the end, you are not a mind reader. I guess you can try to ensure that the road to communication is open and flowing, however, you cannot change or work on things if you are not aware of her needs. She has to communicate those with you. You need to talk these things through. I was in a very similar situation, and in the end, we split up. I have no doubt in my mind that we could make things work, and that we could be the happiest couple in the world. I just needed to know what was on her mind, and what was bothering her. I was doing what I knew how to do, and in the end, it wasn't what was truly making her happy.

 

I also feel that it seemed mighty extreme to walk away from the issues when it seemed there was a road to success. However, I guess she just didn't want to work on it anymore, and that seems to be the same point you are at. When we split, it was a huge wake-up call to me. Sounds like you are at the same point. I totally took this time to look into myself. I have learned a TON, and am really feeling good about what I have learned. After the emotional highs, I was able to look at the relationship and focus on the issues that were there, the ones that went unresolved, and saw the patterns and behaviors that led our relationship to where it was.

 

This was important, because then I could start to learn how I/we could work to fix those things, and avoid those similar patterns in the future. I did alot of this by reading and talking to others. I was truly interested in learning, and making sure that these kinds of things did not happen again... given another chance with the ex, or any future relationship for that matter.

 

Here are a few books that I can recommend, and they really helped me along!

 

"Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw

"The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Riuz

"The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Riuz

 

If nothing else, read these for YOU! You will get so much out of them and come out feeling really good about yourself. From this point, you will be able to offer your partner so much more!

 

Good Luck!

[Rain__man]

Thanks, HSA. I did pick up Phil McGraw's book, and it really has changed the way I look at the relationship we had together. I really like the attitude that you don't have time to worry about "fixing" your partner when you have so much work to do yourself... and that it becomes reciprocal. I think the biggest impact on me (other than taking a good look at a lot of my own bad habits/attitudes) is the statement that people in a LTR often lose track of the friendship that got them together in the first place... ouch.

 

We had a good talk last weekend, I confirmed a lot of what I thought she was going through, and I feel like neither one of us really knows if we're done. I don't know that the plan to get back together in August really matters anymore as much as the personal changes we both need to make. She feels she needs to learn to support herself, and feel complete without someone else in her life before she can have a healthy relationship- with anyone... and as much as it made me feel good being there for her, I agree. I need to learn to expand my social life for myself, and not have that hole I expect my significant other to fill all by herself. My new apt. really is becoming a great source of momentum for me- in a lot of ways.

(thank you, Gracie! )

 

I really don't know what my outlook should be on other serious relationships, because what I think I want depends on so many factors from both of us. I don't think either of us should turn down trivial relationships/dating with other people, but I have my doubts that saying "I love you" to anyone else will even be in the realm of possible for a long, long time... whether we're "truly done" or not.

 

I think I'm ready to stop talking about us with her altogether until she has something to say, or ask. I don't want to cut off talking to her, or even hanging out on occasion, but I'm not going to be pushy about it, and I'm not going to let it get me down if I don't hear from her. I guess I feel like I owe it to her, myself, and to what we had, to kill off my need for the relationship, and try to renew the friendship part.

 

 

B

[saltwatergirl]

Wow, Im not sure where to start. I guess I am the only one here who thinks the idea of you 2 going out and getting laid and then celebrating it with each other is asinine.

 

What the he!! are you talking about?? First of all how on earth can you two be so trivial with this stuff. Ever considered how that would affect the third parties if you two do get to go on your little mini-vacation? And it has to be done by August? Do you both view other people in the world as just pawns for your own using? Seems very immature and shallow to me.

 

I mean there isnt even an available and willing third party here yet, its just the IDEA of wanting someone other than you. How repulsive. Not sure how you were able to digest that much less agree to it.

 

She wants a break, to find herself. Give her the break and go on your way trying to redefine yourself without her. Then when she is finished with her mini-vacation in August and the raging waters have calmed....and she is ready to be with you becasue she has had enough flings to be at peace with you once again, tell her that the idea of a break was a good one because during it, you came to realize just how shallow and childish she really is, and hand her a bottle of champagne so she can celebrate her accomplishments while you show her the door.

 

To allow this situation to materialize suggests that the shallowness and foolishness goes both ways.

 

Finding oneself is a common need and desire, I have no problem with that idea in and of itself (how old is she?), but the fact that she threw in the third parties means something TOTALLY different. Where does she hope to "find herself"? In some club somewhere? In some random guy's bed?

 

Give me a break. If you one day suddenly start feeling some weird stinging sensation on your cheek, don't worry, that will just be a delayed reaction to the huge SLAP IN THE FACE that you have just experienced.

 

Salt

[Rain__man]

Wow... I guess the word "opinionated" comes to mind here.

 

I mean there isnt even an available and willing third party here yet, its just the IDEA of wanting someone other than you. How repulsive. Not sure how you were able to digest that much less agree to it.

I seriously doubt that there are very many couples who have been together for any legnth of time who don't occasionally entertain the fantasy of "getting some strange" the moral issue is whether or not they act on it. In this situation, I think it would be foolish on either of our parts to not at least be open to the idea- which is different from going on a rampage and trying to get laid every night. I'm not really all that bothered (in fact a bit comforted) by the fact that she was honest about it on the grounds of "...if someone intrigued me". I definitely can't say that I don't feel the same. Anyway... what the he11 is so "repulsive" about the idea of NSA interractions, as long as the feeling is mutual? If you can honestly tell me you've never had a good screw with someone that didn't involve a honeymoon... well, to each his own, but that's not the boat I want either of us on.

 

Aside from the fact that I'm almost certain that in two months the only person she's slept with has been me (and it wouldn't bother me a bit if I was wrong), I think I have enough self respect to not be pining over someone who couldn't be worth the effort... especially after being such a picky bastard all my life. Just about everything you've said has run through my head a few hundred times or so too, but I feel like the best thing I can do to affect the outcome I want, and to make the experience positive (as opposed to destructive) is to act like I believe in it happening. I appreciate the sentiment, just not the personal attacks, or the "holier than thou" attitude.