Need some help from the pros

[aaaaaa]

I'm having a terrible time trying to understand what she wants or is trying to do or WHAT!

 

Here's the story, we went on a break after dating for a year, (IT WAS REALLY REALLY GOOD) for a little while because she felt like we were arguing over really stupid stuff and thought it would be for the best. We ended up actually breaking up because she now has to juggle school and 2 jobs and says that she doesnt have time for a boyfriend and that it will only add stress to her life. I found this site and did plenty of reading, after about 3 days of NC she called me crying from work asking me "is it too late?", i said no. we spent about 2 weeks where i started acting nice to her again and like her b/f etc etc... then she went to maui for vacation for 2 weeks and i began to not hear from her very much. towards the end of her vacation she told me that she had changed her mind and that she realized that she only had that breakdown because i was "treating her like crap" and she was really stressed and that she finally had some cooldown time to think and realize she still doesnt want to get back together with me.

 

after that i still havnt gone back to NC for some reason, i think im just being a wuss. ive started to be very very nice to her the last few days. we had lunch 2 days ago and we got along and laughed very easily together. we call eachother probably 50/50 of the time.

 

but i just cant figure out what it is that she wants and ive noticed she does a lot of things that many people on here suggest doing to win your ex back, which is reallllly confusing! here are some of the things and signs i can think of right now:

 

-she typically tries to end the conversation when we are on the phone, always saying she has to go

 

-like i said, she calls me just as much, if not more than i call her

 

-she says she really wants to stay friends

 

-she is almost always to busy to hangout, she usually is because of work and school, but she also hangs out with a group of friends that live really close to her work which she says is just convinient and to drive out to my place she would only get to hangout for an hour or so so its pointless

 

-she still laughs at all my jokes and you can tell she still finds me charming

 

-she treats me like just a friend, indifferent

 

-i forget how it came up, but the other day we got to talking about getting back together and she said that its still not me, its her and her busy life

 

-after the re-breakup she told me that all she can do is hope that im still available when things cool down but now it doesnt seem like she cares

 

-she says she doesnt know if she loves me like "that" like she thought she did but she will always love me as a friend

 

thats all i can think of for now, maybe if you guys tell me where to look for signs i can grab some more. basically on one hand it seems like she is moving on and on the other that she isnt. needless to say my head is spinning and i could really use advice!

 

what is she doing?

 

what should i do now?

 

what the hell?

 

 

thanks.

[a2000]

I would try NC or minimal contact.

She is messing with your head and it is not healthy for you. Maybe go out with friends and concentrate on other girls/hobbies. Try to forget about her for a while.

It seems to me that she doesn't want to be with you but doesn't want to lose you either. It can't go on like this, you deserve better.

[leroy46]

She has good reasons for a break(up), however, these may be excuses. was she this busy in the beginning of the relationship? sounds to me like she's truly busy, but i think if she really wanted to be with you she would. maybe she's really the type of person who needs to focus on things at hand and having a boyfriend just isn't the priority right now. sounds like she's teasing along and making it hard for you to understand what's going on. is she the type of person to tell the truth? if she's teasing you along that's anly going to hurt you more. all you need is for you to make you think you two will get back together when there's really no chance. tell her she needs to be honest. i'm sure you care for this person and you're looking for any little sign that she wants to get back together. be patient, allow yourself to be open to other people, and as the last person said, minimal contact. if you contact everyday, try every other day instead. if you contact her first, wait for her to contact you.

[aaaaaa]

Thankyou for the replies.

 

- I agree that she could be with me if she wanted to, she finds time to hangout with her friends near her work quite often.

 

- She often says things like she knows I deserve better and sometimes she can't believe how much I do for her and how much she appreciates having me in her life and that's why she wants to be friends so badly and she is even confused about a lot of things herself.

 

- She wasn't this busy when we first went out or when we first started our break. She explains that during the break things changed but now she is too stressed/busy. This especially hurts because I always viewed us as above any small breakup reasons because we seemed to be so in love.

 

I'm going to start very minimal contact tomorrow but I can't help but wonder if acting like my loving self again will show her what she's missing in a way.

[aaaaaa]

I should also mention that it's actually my goal for us to get back together.

 

What if I'm on the other side of her consciously doing these things to try to get me to ask her back out? I see many topics on going NC etc in order to get her back but what if she is doing some of those things on purpose?

 

EDIT: I just remembered she said something strange last night. There is a girl named Carly that she absolutely loathes and she somehow heard that I was thinking about going up to a cabin where Carly was. I was invited by a another girl and had no idea Carly was there but I didn't go anyways. What was interesting was that she seemed to get really angry and said IF YOU HAD GONE TO CARLY'S CABIN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OVERRR!!!!

 

Some one please tell me you can decipher the madness.

[Iceman26]

 

What was interesting was that she seemed to get really angry and said IF YOU HAD GONE TO CARLY'S CABIN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OVERRR!!!!

 

Some one please tell me you can decipher the madness.

 

Dude, after she said that you should have said "I thought it was already over?"

 

I am sorry man, but it sounds like your ex is being friends with you to help alleviate her own guilt for breaking up with you. I'd move on and talk to her only when YOU have the time. Quit being available to her all the time, she won't be attracted to that.

[aaaaaa]

You guys are probably right. Sometimes it's just so hard to accuse some one of such terrible things when you've done nothing "wrong" and she's always been so nice up until the break etc

[SuperDave71]

aaaaaaaa,

 

 

Ya want her back (possibly)? Leave her alone and pretend she doesn't exist. NC is not a game, its a way of SHOWING your ex that you will be fine without him/her. It doesn't get them back..it SHOWS them you are capable of moving on and getting on with your life.

 

Some people try to use NC as a rubber band; to snap their ex's back to them. It won't work. You need a solid foundation before you can even initalize any phone conversation, text, e-mail or face to face conversation.

 

Don't let her call the shots. Actions speak louder than words my friend. I suggest you step up to the plate before you strike out because you are settling for what she is giving you.

 

Dogs can't eat on crumbs alone...

 

so quit letting her thow you scraps when you want a meal...

 

 

 

Good Luck,

 

 

SuperDave71

 

 

PS. Work on you. Look for problems you may have had with her and try to fix yourself instead of worrying so much about what is wrong with your ex.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[aaaaaa]

Thanks superdave. The problem is don't you think she already knows that from the last time I went NC? I just don't understand what the hell she is doing and why?? Estrogen is like posion!

 

Could it be possible she is wanting me to come back and try to initiate getting back together?

[SuperDave71]

aaaaaaa,

 

 

The problem is...your wasting valuable time worrying about things you will never know the answer to. You should ONLY worry about you. If you try to answer questions as "what if"..."wonder what she is doing"... etc etc...you will NEVER get to the point of making positive changes in your life. Worry about you...and only you right now.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[aaaaaa]

Now there is a whole new problem... she called today and we got to talking and I found out that some random senior in HS asked her to his senior prom and she said yes and is quite open about being interested in her. She says that she doesn't like him like that, but they seem to be hanging out all the time. She just keeps swearing that nothing is going on and they are just friends and says what's wrong with someone else liking me?

 

god this sucks.

[Iceman26]

 

god this sucks.

 

Well, it only sucks because you keep talking to her dude. You gotta cut it off and move on. If she comes back you, then great, but if she doesn't then its her loss man, not yours.

[Phoenix69]

aaaaaa,

 

Maybe this is her way of telling you to let go? Listen to superdave, he really knows his stuff

 

By the sounds of it, she is already moving on. I know it hurts to be told to let go and its always even harder to do it, but you really need to dude. Maybe a few months down the track, after you've concentrated on you and moved on from the really INTENSE feelings you have for her, you may be able to be friends again. But you need to give your heart some time to heal. Now it is YOUR time. Quit worrying about her and what she is up to (harder than it sounds I know ) Go for a run, read a book, watch some really FUNNY moveis (not soppy ones, cause you WILL feel worse), most of all GET A HOBBY, something that will distract you from thinking about her.

I agree with Iceman too, if she comes back it was meant to be, if not, I promise you as soon as you start concentrating on yourslef and feeling better on the inside, it will shine from you and you will meet someone who may be even better for you than this girl was.

 

Good Luck and keep us posted