Am i being insecure?

[MJMJ]

Hi--I have been with my b/f for a year now but i have a hard time trusting. There have never been any clear signs that he cheated or has someone on the side. He is reliable, doesn't cancel randomly, introduced me to his family, and took me on vacation. I know that he loves me.

 

But--Here are some of things that has happened in the past year:

 

I did develop a habit of snooping in his cell and checking who he was talking to etc. He works for the telephone company and so he uses his cell sometimes for work--but when i see missed calls with no name(but not the same number occurring over and over) i got suspicious of that--thinking he was talking to other girls or meeting new ones.

He told me in the beginning of our relationship--he did ignore some phone calls when with me because they were girls--i guess he didn't want me to get jealous--but i did the same as well because it was only a few months of dating and others guys still thought i was available.

 

I think he eventually knew of my jealousy. He told me from the beginning--he speaks to two girls..One he has known since his pre-teens and never went out with. And another--a girl he went out with--he said it ended mutually and he said it was because they couldn't see each other a lot and because of her family. He said since it didn't end badly they talk once in awhile. I told him i didn't like it and think its weird for him to talk to a girl he saw only once in awhile while dating--obviously she couldn't be that important--why does he need to still speak to her. He said he doesn't ever see her and has no reason to see her but they just keep in touch by phone. He knew of my jealousy of it and one time we were in the car--the phone rings and i just knew it was a girl. He said to the person he was with his g/f and talked for a minute and then he said he was gonna go. I asked who it was and he said--"i said i was with my g/f, what are you worried about" he told me it was his friend mike..i didn't believe him at all. I looked at his cell and it did say mike..i let it go. On new years eve--he gets a text from "mike". we spent the weekend together and i saw a dialed call to mike..i copied down the number and it was her--the girl he went out with.. I was devasted at that time--thinking he was cheating. I did not know what to do. I made up a story and told it to him and said my friend just found out her b/f changed the name of a girl to a guy and i said don't you think this is cheating? and he said no--maybe the guy doesn't want his chops busted everytime his phone rings. We went through a rough time because i couldn't tell him i looked and copied the number down. I said would you ever do that? he said NO...the next time i looked at his cell--he altered it back to her name. I think he knew he got caught and we didnt speak about it but he altered it back. This was a rough time for me because i was trying to figure out if he was cheating or just didn't want me getting jealous and having arguments over her. I know in the beginning her name was there but then i guess maybe after giving him a hard time about it--he changed it to "mike"

 

I sometimes give him a hard time about going to clubs with out met etc. I was looking at pics in his phone with him there and i see a pic of a girl..and i said when was this..he said it was sent to him and it was so and so's ex and she was cheating. It looked like the girl and she was next to a guy so i believe that. BUT--i didn't believe it was sent to him. I think he went out that night and didn't tell me and took that pic. Long story short--i was able to get him to admit it and he said yeah i did go out that night and i didn't want to be given a hard time..i just wanted to go. So he lied RIGHT to my face..He said it wasn't a malicious lie and he wasn't trying to hurt me and he wasn't trying to hook up with anyone(which i kind of believe because why would he be with a girl that night and take a pic of another girl standing with a guy) He says you really should know by now that i want to be with you and just you. We got into a huge argument and basically i said you need to be honest with me and he said fine and you need to stop looking through my cell. That has been our argreement and i havent looked through his cell. But do you think my actions of jealousy have caused him to lie? I know there is no excuse for lying but do you think he has done these things because he was doing something wrong(cheating) or just to avoid arguments?? I have been trying to improve and he still continues to say--you need to trust me more no matter where i go or what i do.

[a2000]

I think you have a lot of trust issues and he knows this. In my opinion he is only trying to make you happy but he has got to have a life aswell. By doing these things he is trying not to hurt you or make you jealous.

I could be wrong but I don't think you have anything to worry about.

[lovecrazy]

I have the same problem..and honestly its annoying as heck to have trust issues.

 

I would just try and not look at his cell phone for 24 hours. Then go 48, and maybe eventually it will work out to where you dont look at his phone anymore..Sometimes you have to look at the reason behind the lie.

 

Did he lie to not make you jealous, or to make you unhappy?

[MJMJ]

I think these lies have been to not make me jealous and to just avoid a confrontation. I mean--he told me about this girl from the beginng and it seems only after i gave him a hard time he changed the name. Still immature i think. But...sometimes the best way to hide things is to keep it out in the open. A real sneaky person can be honest about the girl they speak to for the other person to believe there is nothing to worry about and its inncent and meanwhile..there is something to worry about. Its weird how my mind works lol.

[MJMJ]

Hi everyone,

 

After reading my first post about that girl calling my b/f and him saying he was gonna go after a minute or two of convo--isn't it suspicious that he mentioned me right away?..It was pretty much like hello, how are you..and then i just picked up my g/f...doesn't it sound like its saying--i can't talk like we usually talk because i have my g/f here...and then she asks where does she live(i wonder if she even knew about me to begin with ) because he mentioned my area--and then said he would call from the apartment because his car is loud--which it is but it doesnt really stop him too much from talking on the phone..is this a sign that he was cheating during this time period? I could never really figure it out..and i always wondered if i should come clean about me finding out--telling him i copied down the number and was right and telling him you lied and asking why..i'm not really sure if its a good idea..he lied, i snooped into his privacy--could lead to a break up and if he hasn't admitted to anything yet--why would he now..if it was because of cheating--he can easily just say--it was to avoid you being jealous and thats it. What do you think of this???

[nicorette]

to be completely honest. i dont think you ahve anythign to worry about. im kind of in your shoes, but it sounds liek youre just driving him away, and the reason he istn telling you the truth is because youll get mad at it. i understand why youd get mad, but if it honestly IS a friend, then just blowing up at him will make it worse..(me and my byofriend got back together 2 days ago, but we were broken up over a month cos i was in the exact same situation as you)

 

whenever hed come home id be like: who were you with? wer etheir girls there? who? did aynoen try anything? did you drink?

 

it was hell. torture. id worry myself all the time. but then i thoguth to myself: can i change the situation? can i control it? if the answer is no, then i try my best not to worry about it. mien adn my boyfriends break up of just over a month made me realize hes not going to do aynthing stupid, and his lies are because of my paranoia. not that lying is okay, but i can at least understand it. just try to work on not worrying about it, as hard as it sounds.

[WhatGives]

Guys certainly don't help the situation by lying. My ex lied to me like that too. Which then caused me to start to worry. And then came the questions....

 

But you have to trust each other. Being completely open and honest about everything is sooooo much better than having anything kept under wraps.

 

I have to say that playing 20 questions every time his phone rings, anytime he goes out, or things like that only become a drag after a while and really wear on the relationship. Time should be spent enjoying each other and growing in love, not being a third parent and bringing in the Spanish Inquisition every time he does something without you.

 

There is a catch 22 here... he is lying because he doesn't want to deal with you worrying so much... but his lying will only make you worry even more because you are going to most likely catch him in the lies (because we women do that). Once someone lies, it is VERY hard for trust to build back up again. It sounds like this relationship needs a clean slate.

[asianlkp22]

OMG, this sounds just like what I am going through right now. I am emailing my guy friend asking for advice myself.

 

Sweetie, this is very hard. my BF is calling his ex-girlfriend still, me and him have been together for little over a year now also. He only calls her when we are fighting or he's upset with me. My situations is by FAR more complicated than yours but it's very close.

 

You will have to have a serious talk with him. Tell him, how would you feel if it was the other way around?? Would he like that, your ex is calling you and you changed his name on the phone.....and he finds out....that's really decieving.....so many thoughts and wonder start to build up. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. It's not about feeling insecure about yourself, it's the relationship that you are insecure about.

 

You must tell him how much it bothers you and it's affecting the relationship with you and him and the trust issue. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you, he needs to sacrafice. Ask him , is she worth ruining our relationship??? if it is, then you guys do not need to be together. He's doing something that you have told him that it hurts you and bothers you, and he not only does it, but he hides it from ya. Any normal person would take that as, "OMG, is he/she cheating on me?"