It's been 8 yrs and still I'm not over him...

[greekgoddess]

I'm unhappily married to someone else. I still think about my ex-fiance. My therapist thinks I only think of him becasue I'm so unhappy in my current realtionship. I can't stop thinking about him. Ever since we broke up after I moved away for school I've had this fantasy that he'll appear on my doorstep to save me from my current relationship. I found out he's married and I know that will never happen. How do I stop myself from thinking about him?

[RandomAdvisor]

We as humans have a tendency to idealize the past. Without knowing the problems with your marriage, I think your therapist is right. If you were happy with what you've got you wouldn't be longing for something else....

 

I don't think there is a quick fix for you. There's no magic pill to swallow to make you forget him. But realizing that your relationship with your ex fiance wasn't perfect either. If it was, you would still be together. Try to remember the bad aspects of that relationship.

 

Other than that, all you can do is try to make your current situation better. Fixing your marriage if possible, and if not, walking away...

 

Why did you and the ex breakup, and what are the current problems you have with your husband?

[orangecounty]

I think that your therapist said has a lot of truth to it. When you're unhappy in a current situation it's easy to look what could have been or what is not and think how much better that situation would be. Though it's not reality. We tend to get nostolgic about the past or people in our past and we build it up in our minds as being perfect. Work on what you have. Are there any children in this marriage?

[looklikescarlett]

Your therapist is totally right. If you're unhappy, you think back to when you were happy & yearn for that. I don't think you miss him (he's an x for a resaon), just the happy moments. Marriages are worth saving....try first. Then, maybe a seperation will give you perspective? It will atleast tell you whether or not you want to be with your husband. Once you decide, either divorce or rebuild your relationship. If you choose to divorce, spend sometime re-evaluating yourself/ your needs/ your desires before you jump into something else. Maybe you are unhappy with yourself??

Your x is not an option...dreaming about him is self-inflicted torture.Address what you have control of...he's moved on and there are others involved now.

[greekgoddess]

I broke up with my ex because I needed to move away for college. He didn't understand why we had to break up but I was going to be living on the other side of the country for the next 5+ years. I thought that if I told him I didn't love him any more it would be easier for him. I have never stopped loving him. When I left, a guy friend of mine came along for the roadtrip who he had never met. He ended up thinking I left him for another guy after he found out this friend went with me. He's never talked to me since. He wouldn't return my calls and my letters got sent back. I tried to tell him the truth. He never gave me a chance to. So, one day, I said fine I was going to move on. I heard he had moved on too. I met someone else and that's who I'm married to now.

My marriage is unhappy because I feel that all the love I had in me went to this other person and he really broke my heart by refusing any contact with me. I always thought that we'd atleast stay friends. We were engaged and together almost 5 yrs. The no contact all of a sudden crushed me. It was so unexpected. My marriage is also unhappy because my husband doesn't love me. Although my husband tells me all the time he does love me I know in my heart it is not true. I know this because I have felt true love from some one and that was with this person I miss. What my husband describes as love doesn't even come close to what me and my ex had.

I'm convinced that I cannot be happy with any one else but my ex and I know without a doubt we would still be together if I hadn't left. When I do eventually get divorced I plan to remain single for the rest of my life.

[greekgoddess]

I realise that my relationship with my ex wasn't perfect. It's not like I make it out to be perfect in my head. I needed to move away and he wanted to move with me. He had never lived anywhere else before and is really close to his family. I didn't want to take him away from his family and then have him resent me later for it. His family already didn't approve of me. I thought that after I graduated we could reunite. He even said he was going to come out to find me. But, like every other male, he could not be alone after we broke up. He got a another girlfriend and married someone else and I married someone else.

Don't you think that if it was just a fantasy I would be over it by now? I mean I have tried so hard to get over him. I threw away anything I had that would remind me of him. I will regret until my dying day that we didn't talk and get the truth out. It hurts me to think that he thinks I was cheating onhim all this time because I wouldn't do that and I love him too much for that.

[looklikescarlett]

You cannot turn back time...what has happened has happened: you need to accept that things did not go according to plan. That's ok. Your life is not over & you have choices! Although you may plan to be alone, we all know you won't be. You also need to accept/ respect/ deal with the way your x has chosen to handle your break-up. It's his choice...what can you do about it? Be patient...the future is full of surprises. Begin with the immediate things/ issues you have influence over. Deal with the marriage situation at hand, take steps to improve your life, focus your energy on you.

[DN]

Although my husband tells me all the time he does love me I know in my heart it is not true. I know this because I have felt true love from some one and that was with this person I miss. What my husband describes as love doesn't even come close to what me and my ex had.

 

That is very unfair to your husband. He loves you the way that he loves you and for you to deny that is very self-absorbed in my opinion.

 

If you don't love him you should leave him and let him find someone who returns his love. He deserves that. It was unfair of you to marry someone you did not love and it is unfair to blame him for your marriage not being happy. You need to take responsibility for your actions and it seems you have a way of shifting that responsibility on to other people.

 

If you can't commit your heart to your husband as you should have done when you married him, then let him go. Even if that means you spend the rest of your life alone for you should not use him to fill a void left by your ex - especially if you won't even try to make him happy.

[greekgoddess]

Dn,

I agree with most of what you said. People say they love other people all the time. That is why so many people ask the question "How do you know when someone really loves you..." Well, I've asked myself this many times and I know that my husband doesn't love me. It hasn't to do with what he hasn't done to "fill my void etc..." It's just the uneasiness, anxiety, and general discomfort I feel when I'm around him not to mention the loneliness. My husband had a terrible childhood and has never felt love by any one. He never even had a girfriend before me. He is uncabapable of loving any one. Love is taught. No one is born knowing how to love. Contrary to what you said I love my husband very much and I have been trying for 6 years to teach him how to love. I have been doing everything in my power to make this realtionship work. You name it, I've tried it. And yet, after all that effort I've discovered that it doesn't matter. You cannot control life. All you can do is try to put yourself in the best possible position and hope things will work itself out. I cannot control the way my husband behaves or feels. At the same time I know I cannot stay in this relationship.

 

BTW My husband has told me he doesn't love me because of the reason mentioned above. He's only been telling me he does so I won't leave him...but he won't admit it.

 

I DID commit to him and like I said I threw out every reminder of my ex. I've worked my * * * off for 6 years to make my marriage work but I've woken up.

I have faith that if I get away from my husband things will work out for me some how. I do believe I will stay single for the rest of my life because I am not interested in having a relationship with any one other than my ex.

Like you've said, any one else would just be some one trying to fill the void and I would not be committed. Besides, I do have children and I won't be alone.

[DN]

It's just the uneasiness, anxiety, and general discomfort I feel when I'm around him not to mention the loneliness.

That's about you not about him.

 

My husband had a terrible childhood and has never felt love by any one.

But you say that you love him.

 

He never even had a girfriend before me. He is uncabapable of loving any one. Love is taught. No one is born knowing how to love.

I don't believe this is true. How can it be? If it were true no one would know how to love because it had to start with someone.

 

If he does not love you why does he not want you to leave? Why did he marry you in the first place?

 

To be honest I think you have a fantasy of your ex that you can't let go. Rather than admit to yourself that you love your ex more than your husband it is easier for you to convince yourself he does not love you. That is what I mean by shifting the responsibility for your unhappiness. It makes it guilt-free on your part.

 

If you do not understand your own motivations for your feelings there is no way that you can properly come to terms with them.

 

And how do you know that you will have primary custody of your children if you leave your husband? Suppose he decides to ask the court for custody.

[greekgoddess]

I try to show him how to love by loving him. He doesn't know how to recipricate it.

Love usually starts with your parents. You probably had normal parents who took care of you, were affectionate towards you... He never had that. His parents were cold, distant, and neglectful. thereforeeee that how he acts towards me because he never had anyone to be a role model of how a loving person should be. That develops in child hood. When you are a grown adult )like he was when we met) you are accustomed to your own ways and resistant to change. You are over the mimicking stage as a child. It is not enough to show him I love him in order for him to change. He is like emotionally realtionship retarded. Please excuse any political incorrectness.

I do believe I love my ex more. I'm not afraid to admit that. and I do believe my husband doesn't love me. that is why I plan on being divorced and remaining single.

If it were just a fantasy why did I specifically choose him? I've had other realtionships after my ex before my husband but I never think twice about those other guys. I have thought about this guy every day for 8 years

[Belle]

greek,

 

I understand you. Some men just don't get what women need and it sounds like you're doing all of the trying. It would be like dying a slow death with no love in your house. Maybe you can find happiness on your own with your children.

 

good luck.

[DN]

You say this about your ex

 

My marriage is unhappy because I feel that all the love I had in me went to this other person and he really broke my heart by refusing any contact with me.

What my husband describes as love doesn't even come close to what me and my ex had.

and I love him too much for that.

 

I do believe I love my ex more. I'm not afraid to admit that. and I do believe my husband doesn't love me. that is why I plan on being divorced and remaining single.

 

If it were just a fantasy why did I specifically choose him? I've had other realtionships after my ex before my husband but I never think twice about those other guys. I have thought about this guy every day for 8 years

and this about your husband

I try to show him how to love by loving him. He doesn't know how to recipricate it.

Contrary to what you said I love my husband very much and I have been trying for 6 years to teach him how to love.

Although my husband tells me all the time he does love me I know in my heart it is not true. I know this because I have felt true love from some one and that was with this person I miss. What my husband describes as love doesn't even come close to what me and my ex had.

Your husband can't win. No matter what he does or says he is competing with your ex. He says he loves you but you don't believe him. I think that is because you don't want to believe him for then you would have no excuse to leave him and spend your life pining for your ex.

 

As a result you are going to break up your marriage and attempt to take your children away from their father. I frankly doubt that you have really given your husband a chance - how can you have if you have spent every day of your relationship with him, including your marriage thinking about your ex and comparing him to your husband.

 

You say your ex really loved you. If that were true why did he not give you a second chance when you asked him to? And then you blame him for moving on to someone else after you dumped him.

 

You have spent too many years missing a man who no longer wants you and sabotaging your relationship with a man who proved he does by marrying you. Then you blame him for not loving you properly and say he is incapable of love and even try to convince yourself you are right by claiming to have tried to show him how to love by example.

 

If your definition of love is to think of an ex every day while still with a man you have married, then you and I have a very different definition of what love is.

 

Love is more than a romantic feeling. It is making a commitment to be with someone, it is living with them on a daily basis and supporting them. It often manifests itself by having children together and raising them well.

 

These things your husband committed himself to do while your ex decided that being hurt by you once was enough and that he was not prepared to try again.

 

Love does not necessarily mean the same to all people and just because he does not love you in the way that you love your ex does not mean that he does not love you in his own way. It is his way and that is what should count. You are not the arbiter of what love is or how other people are supposed to feel it. You love in your way - allow him to love in his.

[greekgoddess]

DN,

Nothing is ever that black and white. Yes, I have thought about my ex every day but for most of those years I've been trying to forget him and put 100% into my marriage. If you think that I choose to think about my ex you are mistaken. It would be so much easier to not think of him and it's tortorous but still I can't help it. My husband knows this. He knows I still think of him.

 

It's not a matter of whether or I believe my husband loves me. a woman knows. and I already told you he said he didn't love me. I heard it from the horses mouth. the reason he's retracting that now is because he doesn't want me to leave him because he's afraid of being alone again with no one to love him. When we got together I had just gotten out of my relationship with my ex and my husband insisted we marry right away. I did a very irrational thing in marrying him so soon. I had no time to heal from my previous relationship. He was a very lonely person before he met me and he didn't want me to get away.

 

You cannot say I don't love my husband because I still love and think about my ex. That's ludicris. That's like saying you can only love and think about one person. that's means I can't love my parents or any one else.

 

I whole heartedly disagree with you. Love is NOT about just being commited to someone, living with them daily, and being supportive. Love is SO much more. Love is being able to live a lifetime with someone. Love is being able to make someone happy and they in turn make you happy. Love is never having to doubt your spouse or be afraid of being hurt by your spouse. Love is being to forgive your spouse after they have done something terrible to you. Love is unconditional and not based on superficial things...

 

If you are satisfied with your definition of love. If you truly have such low standards then surely you are just settling. you have not found "the one."

[DN]

If you are satisfied with your definition of love. If you truly have such low standards then surely you are just settling. you have not found "the one."

Perhaps I have not found the one and my standards are in fact too low. Perhaps you are right. But the evidence would seem to point to the contrary. I have been married to one person that I really think I do love for 31 years.

 

I do not love anyone else partly because I took a vow during our wedding ceremony that I would not. That vow about 'forsaking all others'. A vow you seem be overlooking when you talk about loving more than one person and that you also seem to have overlooked at the time you made it. And love for parents or children is not the same thing at all.

 

I whole heartedly disagree with you. Love is NOT about just being commited to someone, living with them daily, and being supportive. Love is SO much more. Love is being able to live a lifetime with someone. Love is being able to make someone happy and they in turn make you happy. Love is never having to doubt your spouse or be afraid of being hurt by your spouse. Love is being to forgive your spouse after they have done something terrible to you. Love is unconditional and not based on superficial things

 

I can do and am doing all those things. Why aren't you?

[greekgoddess]

Quote

Love does not necessarily mean the same to all people and just because he does not love you in the way that you love your ex does not mean that he does not love you in his own way. It is his way and that is what should count. You are not the arbiter of what love is or how other people are supposed to feel it. You love in your way - allow him to love in his.

 

 

I can only speak for myself but a person who constantly threatens you with harm and can only get you to do things by manipulating you does not love you. He got what he wanted. A hot girlfriend and wife. He wanted me as a trophy wife and could care less about me. I never wanted to be that woman who's always in the background, holding her tongue, and being ignored. No one I know can sympathize because they are too busy being jealous of my life to understand what I am going through. They act like I don't have a right to complain because I supposedly have such a great life while they struggle. If they only knew what it's really like to be an emotional punching bag. to have to deal with someones baggage because he always got away with treating people like dirt and then having to live with that person day in and day out. my husband is very successful and I could care less. because I don't care about superficial things. I want something that's real...

[greekgoddess]

Quote

Perhaps I have not found the one and my standards are in fact too low. Perhaps you are right. But the evidence would seem to point to the contrary. I have been married to one person that I really think I do love for 31 years.

 

 

Quote

I do not love anyone else partly because I took a vow during our wedding ceremony that I would not. That vow about 'forsaking all others'. A vow you seem be overlooking when you talk about loving more than one person and that you also seem to have overlooked at the time you made it. And love for parents or children is not the same thing at all.

 

Quote

I can do and am doing all those things. Why aren't you?

 

1.Simply living with someone and putting up with them for 31 years is hardly evidence that you are with "the one." if you think she's "the one" why are you here on a forum dedicated to people with troubled relationships? If you are so happy why aren't you with her right now... You would "think" after 31 years you would know whether or not you love her. why do you have to "think" about it?

 

2.You do not love anyone else because you haven't met "the one" because you cheated yourself out of that opportunity when you settled for your spouse.

 

3.I was doing those things. I cannot help it if he wants to threaten me. Tell me I need plastic surgery and basically cannot accept me the way I am.

[greekgoddess]

DN,

Are you trying to say that if you really love some one and then break up with them then you should never be in another relationship or marry any one else? That's just not realistic. Are you trying to say that I should've just shut off my feeling for this other man when i got married? If that's what you're saying I would like to hear how I could do that? I would sincerely like to know what your method for turning off your heart is...

[RandomAdvisor]

1.Simply living with someone and putting up with them for 31 years is hardly evidence that you are with "the one." if you think she's "the one" why are you here on a forum dedicated to people with troubled relationships?

 

Are you saying anyone who frequents this board is showing they aren't in a happy relationship? Maybe DN is here sharing some of the wisdom that's helped him to maintain his three decade + marriage, which is much much longer than most marriages in the US last.

 

goddess, you basically started out by saying that you knew that your husband didn't love you, and left it at that. Without really elaborating on it further no one is going to simply accept that. What DN said was exactly what I was thinking, that you are being unfair to your husband. But as you reply to him more you are revealing some more details, and I see signs of emotional abuse.

 

What does he threaten you about and why? How does he manipulate you? Why did he tell you didn't love you? Was it in the heat of an argument, and what were you arguing about? And what's with telling you to get plastic surgery?

[DN]

I am on this forum to help people and, whether you believe it or not, am trying to help you. But you seem to have a facility to only see what you want to see and believe only what you want to believe. It is impossible to be helped if you immediately dispute everything that is said to you. This is an advice forum and it is usually sensible to at least consider the advice you are given.

 

Many people come on here ostensibly seeking advice when all they really want is validation. But the fact is that you have essentially lost two relationships in your life because you assumed you knew how they were feeling or what was best for them.

 

You lost your ex because you dumped him and you are losing your marriage because you cannot love him. There are so many contradictions in your story that I believe you need to be honest with yourself about your own contributions to these failures. for instance:

I realise that my relationship with my ex wasn't perfect. It's not like I make it out to be perfect in my head. I needed to move away and he wanted to move with me. He had never lived anywhere else before and is really close to his family. I didn't want to take him away from his family and then have him resent me later for it. His family already didn't approve of me. I thought that after I graduated we could reunite. He even said he was going to come out to find me. But, like every other male, he could not be alone after we broke up. He got a another girlfriend and married someone else and I married someone else.

It was not your ex's fault that you dumped him, nor is he to be blamed for finding someone else after you did. Yet you seem to blame him for the break up, for not taking you back and for falling in love with someone else. You had no right to expect him to be "be alone after we broke up". You don't get to set the rules for relationships and break-ups all on your own.

 

Then you say this:

My marriage is unhappy because I feel that all the love I had in me went to this other person and he really broke my heart by refusing any contact with me.

and then this My marriage is also unhappy because my husband doesn't love me. Although my husband tells me all the time he does love me I know in my heart it is not true

Which seems to me to be saying that your marriage is unhappy because your ex broke your heart by not taking you back and also because your husband doesn't love you although he says he does. Where are you accepting any responsibility?

 

How can you say on the one hand that all the love you had in you went to your ex but that you still loved your husband. Those two statements are mutually exclusive. You might be able to have it both ways in your head but not in reality.

 

Now you have posted about abuse from your husband but I have to ask why this abuse was not the primary reason for divorcing your husband and why you did not say that was a reason in the first place?

 

Let me make my own position clear. I love my wife and have throughout our marriage. Life is not perfect and we have certainly had our difficulties, just like the vast majority of people in long term marriages. But, as I said, we took our marriage vows seriously and that commitment, together with the love that we had for each other when we decided to marry. Those vows include the commitment to love one another and to forsake all others. Those words have meaning and are there for a reason.

 

If you were still in love with your ex when you married your husband you were wrong to marry him. To avoid responsibility for that decision is not only unfair but will not serve anybody - including you.

 

We are responsible for the decisions that we make in our life - we are not pinballs in a machine being bounced from one issue to another with no control over our own actions.

 

If you decide to divorce your husband because of abuse then that is valid. But to divorce him for reasons that have more to do with you than with him and avoid responsibility for that decision is not valid and will not serve you in the long run.

 

My advice to you is to do some serious self analysis to understand your own motivations in making the decisions that you have in your life. Self-knowledge is not always easy to come by. It is hard to come to terms with the reasons that we do things sometimes and it is easier to blame other people, or to analyse their emotions and rationales rather than our own. That way is apparently easier for us but it is based on a false premise and will not really help you achieve happiness.

[greekgoddess]

I'm saying if you were in a happy relationship you would be too busy to be here counseling people in bad relationships. AND if you have not been in a BAD relationship how the heck are you going to give me advice about my bad relationship?

[greekgoddess]

Of course it's not my ex's fault we broke up. I take full responsibility. What I am upset at him for is not giving me the benefit of the doubt. Before I left he told me it was not over that he was going to win me back, that he was going to find me and love me forever. As soon as I left that changed and he refused contact with me. He thought that if I left him it meant I didn't love him and that's not true. I left because I had to and I wanted a better future for us in the long run. I was trying to go to college and get a career started so that we could have the future we wanted. I don't blame him at all for moving on and finding someone else. It was his choice not to talk to me and find out the truth. I can't help but wonder if he would have still married her if he really knew the truth about what happened to me. Remember, he moved on thinking that I had cheated on him and left him for someone else. In his state of mind he thought I didn't love him. But if he knew the truth would he have done things differently? I know if I were in his position I would want to know the truth. AND if after he found out and he still made the same decisions then I could really move on. It's hard for me to let go because I love him and he thinks I cheated on him.

 

Like I said, I do love my husband and I didn't want to have to go into details of how he didn't love me. I thought that you would take my word for it. It was not my intention to come here and bash him. That's not fair to him. All I can say are the things that factually happened like his emotional abuse and asking me to get surgery and the numerous threats of leaving me flat while I was pregnant with his child. I do take responsiblity for being in this bad marriage but my husband knew I did not want to marry right away and he manipulated me.

 

At the time I married my husband I still loved my ex. I thought that I loved my husband more. I don't think it's wrong to love 2 men at the same time. He was my first love and I can't forget him. That's like saying if your wife died today it would be wrong for you to remarry. I married him too soon and didn't realise the type of person he was. He was so desparate to marry me right away because I think he knew that if we waited longer I would see him for what he really was and change my mind. thereforeeee he really did sweep me off my feet but it was an illusion.

 

That's great that you and your wife are so committed. Mine wasn't committed to me by his own admission. Even though you may think that loving another man means I wasn't committed you are wrong. I did everything to make my marriage work. I have not seen any other woman put up with more * * * * or gone out of their way to make their husband happy as I have done. or to be a better wife. I have been there for my husband 200% through all that abuse, everything. I love my husband but I have over the years fallen out of love with him and cannot see a future with him. ever since we've been together I've felt like a prisoner, I've fallen into depression, had anxiety attacks, I don't even feel like myself anymore. My biggest fear is for my physical health. I think all the ailments are a sign that I really need to get out of this relationship.

I appreciate you trying to help but I don't think it's possible if you haven't been in my shoes or understand where I'm coming from for that matter. I don't think you are even trying to see things from my point of view. You just come accross as being judgemental. You can talk about your "committed loving relationship" all you want but how does that really apply to my situation? I am not you.

[DN]

It is not really relevant whether I see things from your point of view even though I can only give advice based on what you post and it is a little frustrating when important information such as allegations of abuse only surface after several posts into the thread. What is relevant is that I give advice based on what you have posted and make an attempt to see things from a more detached viewpoint than yours alone.

 

I am not one seeking advice - you are. People will then give their advice from their various perspectives or experiences and by using their best judgment. If is then for you to use any of that advice that is useful. But before deciding what is useful it may profit you to think about it carefully before responding in such a defensive manner and by attacking the person who is taking time out of their day in an attempt to help.

 

By definition, giving advice means that judgment is involved. What I was trying to do, unsuccessfully, was to get you to use your own judgment about your own actions. But you are so defensive that it has become pointless. It is a shame as I think you are headed for even more misery and loneliness because you rely too much on the actions of other people to determine your happiness. Even more of a shame is that children will be affected.

[DN]

I'm saying if you were in a happy relationship you would be too busy to be here counseling people in bad relationships. AND if you have not been in a BAD relationship how the heck are you going to give me advice about my bad relationship?

If you really believe this then you have a mistaken view of why some people give advice on this site.

[greekgoddess]

It IS totally relevant where your advice is coming from. I always question the validity of the advice I hear along with the source. So should you.

 

When a person has a problem they want some one to listen to them without passing judgement. So far, I haven't really seen you make any attempts at giving me positive solutions or advice for that matter. It seems that you are mostly criticizing me and my ability to assess my own situation.IT's as if you are asking me to be objective about my own situation and that just not reasonable. Of course I'm going to be subjective. Why are you criticizing me for that? I do believe my happiness depends only on myself. That is why I plan on getting myself out of my bad situation. Like you said and I totally agree with you that my husband has a right to be with someone else who might love him more. clearly that person isn't me and what good will it be for my children to have a mother who is depressed, anxious, and unable to enjoy life?

It seems that your advice is to just accept my situation and move on. You don't understand that isn't really an option for me.