Conundrum

[marinaprettyone]

I am very happy and very worried at the same time. I just found out I am pregnant. I am not married, but I have been with my boyfriend on and off for three years. Here are my concerns:

I am about to graduate college(next week) with my bachelors degree, but I am worried about finding a good job pregnant.

My boyfriend is younger than me by four years, and I believe he is too young to be a father. He is a musician, which means he is gone nights and doesn't make much money.

My boyfriend is addicted to marijuana.

I don't drink or do drugs often, but last week I ate a "magic" brownie. I am terrified that this hurt the baby.

My boyfriend recently cheated on me with his ex girlfriend, with whom he has retained an ongoing secretive relationship throughout our relationship.

I want to move away from him but now I might be having a child with him.

My family lives here, so if I move, I won't have much support.

If I do move, his family might try to stop me because of the baby.

I don't know what to do, because I feel I am old enough and stable enough to be a good mother, but I don't want to be tied to this man for the rest of my life.

 

Any input is welcome and needed. Especially from single mothers.

[Dregnought]

I have been with my boyfriend on and off for three years.

Going on and off says that you 2 really shouldn't be together.

My boyfriend is younger than me by four years, and I believe he is too young to be a father.

How old are you then?

My boyfriend is addicted to marijuana.

Defently not good for a baby. Whats worse is that the baby could already be affected by this.

I don't drink or do drugs often, but last week I ate a "magic" brownie. I am terrified that this hurt the baby.

Drugs, Smoking, pretty much everything you do with your body now may also affect the baby. Your looking after 2 people now, not one.

My boyfriend recently cheated on me with his ex girlfriend, with whom he has retained an ongoing secretive relationship throughout our relationship.

Another reason why you should go.

My family lives here, so if I move, I won't have much support.

What do they say about this? Have you told them?

If I do move, his family might try to stop me because of the baby.

That could be a problem. If they try to go to legal action that is...

be tied to this man for the rest of my life.

I agree. Imagine how bad he could be in the future. Now imagine that with your child. Some might say different, but if it was me, I'd want to take the child and go.

[Beyondthesea]

Stay with your family but ditch your boyfriend. He is probably too immature to be a father, and it doesn't sound that he is too committed to the relationship.

 

This is not a way to fix a relationship. How did you manage to get pregnant with this man when you realize that things are so rocky? Do you not use birth control?

[southerngirl]

Dont worry I doubt the one 'magic' brownie hurt anything assuming you mean pot and not something else..

 

As for the boyfriend, you are on rocky terms and he cheats on you. He doesnt have money and is on drugs. Ditch him. Also, while doing so make sure you file for child support and paternaty when the baby has been born to protect the childs rights.

 

YOur not tied to him forever. Yes, he will need to pay child support and all of that plus theres visits with the child as it grows up but that doesnt mean that you have to be with him. Running away is not the answer, if he started stalking you, the law is on your side and dont let his family pressure you either! What kind of people are they? good bad?

 

Have you talked to your parents about this? Will they let you stay with them at first? YOu have your degree you are going to be fine. As for finding a job, try to find one asap before your showing. Once your showing it will be harder but it will not be impossible to find work. Good Luck.

[marinaprettyone]

Thanks.

 

I am on birth control, apparently it didn't work.

 

His family is nice but very religious.

 

I have not told anyone because I literally just found out, as in last night.

 

He wants me to have an abortion. My sense of practicality says that this is the best idea, but I really don't want to. I had one abortion when I was younger, but that was because I truly felt I was not ready to have a child. I think it would be very irresponsible to have an abortion just because it is "inconvenient timing."

 

I don't know, but I appreciate the advice.

 

The only thing is, should I bring a child into the world knowing it will have a bad father? Is this responsible? I want to do what is best for the child and not what is best for me or for my boyfriend.

[michelemybell]

Marina, I really wish you thought first about having sex with a loser guy who disrespected you. Why oh why did you even continue having sex with him? And where did you get this special brownie? From him? If so, why are you still around him and taking chances around a dangerous loser guy who cheats?

This is going to be a tough thing for you. Sure, plenty of women work and make it through as a single mom. But I feel bad for you that as a new graduate, you have to make these decisions.

Have you thought about adoption as an option? I would totally respect you if you did that. If you keep the baby, you really need to get your priorities straight and get smart about life. You can't be making stupid decisions and mistakes, especially with stupid guys.

I wish you all the best. This is a tough situation to be in.

[marinaprettyone]

Yes, you are right that I should not have slept with this person, and now I have brought another person into this mess. I did consider adoption, but, knowing his family, I think that they would contest it. I do not want my child to end up anywhere near this guy. The only other option would be for me to disappear. Which would be hard because I would have to be dishonest and I would have to be away from my family and friends. Which leaves the option of not having the baby at all, which is probably what I will do.

[southerngirl]

This is your decision and yours alone. I had my first child at 20 years old and while his dad had good intentions at first he hasnt been around. I was a single mom for five years before I married my husband now. He is now 8 and im Happily married.

 

Your life will not be over if you decide to have the baby. If you decide that abortion is the choice that is best for you, that is okay and there are people here that will talk it over with you. So do post back and let us know how your doing!

[michelemybell]

Of course the choice of keeping the child or not is a personal choice and not one any of us here can make for you.

 

But please please Marina, dont continue to be around this guy. Hopefully this pregnancy and the fact that you're impacting others now with your decisions will be a wake up call. Sadly, you see all too often women continue to hang around loser guys and oftentimes they "wake up" when it's too late. Don't screw up your life. This guy ain't worth it. Please value yourself more than that.

[marinaprettyone]

Thanks for the advice. Tomorrow I'm calling for an appointment, and I am still undecided as to what it will be for.

The father is still pressuring for an abortion.

I am trying to figure out how I can have the baby and manage to keep him out of our lives.

Maybe it is not possible, so I shouldn't have it. But my heart tells me otherwise.

[alteer]

The choice is yours as to what to do........and yours alone. But think about it carefully.

 

As a single mother who has raised my 2 kids alone (the father isn't in the picture at all and hasn't been since my youngest was a baby...that's 11 yrs) it is tough.

 

There are a lot of things for you to consider here. How will you support yourself and the baby. You won't be able to keep the father out of the babies life unless he chooses to exclude himself, and if he doesn't and is addicted to drugs then is that the kind of environment you want this baby in? Because he will have visitation and you can't dictate what he does or doesn't do during that time. Your social life will go on hold.......I've only just really started going out now and my eldest is 14.

 

I love my kids to death. But it is a very difficult life on your own. If I could go back I would not have put myself in this position.

 

Just thought I would give you the sole mother perspective. Good luck with making a decision.

[piegirl]

I am a single mother of almost 8 year old twin girls. I have been raising them on my own since they were 18 months old. Their father has seen them maybe 10 times over the last few years. I finally refused him any contact with them due to his in and out of lives behavior. He is not interested in them until it suites him.

 

Luckily for me I have a supportive family. I am able to go out and have a life outside of my children. It can be done and children are a wonderful gift to have. It is difficult don't get me wrong.

 

This is a decision that only you can make. Hopefully you are happy with your decision.

 

Wanted you to know that while difficult it is not impossible to raise children as a single parent and have a life for yourself.

 

Good luck.