I am 33, he is 23. Concerned.

[ArielM1313]

Hi all.

 

I am a 33 yr old women who recently went back to school to change careers. There, I met a wonderful, funny, caring man who is 23. Thankfully, I do look younger (most say 26) so appearances are not much of an issue.

 

What concerns me is two-fold. One...and I am being serious here... he was a virgin when I met him. He told me of this during our first time together. I about died. Obviously, he is no longer a virgin. He said he remained a virgin because nothing ever felt "right" before we got together. He is totally relationship inexperienced. In fact, I am discovering I am his firt serious girlfriend. We've been together 3 months. I worry about the ramifications of his having been a virgin.

 

Second, he is just beginning his life. He hasn't moved out of his mother's home yet! Arrgh! ( * * * am I doing? LOL) She and I get along quite well. However, it's one thing to date a younger man who is on his own and LIVING. It's another to date a man who has no life experience.

 

I fear we are setting ourselves up for failure here. So much stacked against us. He is so very funny, loving, gentle and a talented artist. Yet, he has not experienced real LIFE. He is old fashioned in the sense that he believes it is possible to marry your first. But..... c'mon.... he's 23 and just discovered sex. (LOL)

 

Thoughts?

Ariel.

[Jax]

Well that depends on what your looking for. Are you just looking for some fun, or a long term relationship. If your looking for a long term relationship then you should probably look elsewhere, since you two are on very different stages in life as well as maturity levels. By the time he matures, you probably won't be able to have kids anymore.

[Stari]

Sounds to me like you ask: "Will there be trouble down the road?" Who knows. There is no guarantee in any relationship, even if everything seems good on paper.

 

The good thing is that you seem to enjoy being with him. If you did not know his age, nor his housing condtion, would you still get any worries?

[SilverManic]

Do you have the same hopes and dreams? Are you both ready to settle down or do you both want to travel? If your wants are different then I'd say no go... if your at the same stage then go for it.

~S.

[Spugly Fuglet]

When I was 18 my GF was 30 theres love and theres love but ago has very little to do with it

[quietgrl]

Hey i'm going back to college.I hope i have some good luck with men in the classroom

[monkey1]

Ariel,

 

I was a virgin and inexperienced in relationships when I slept with my boyfriend who is 15 years older than me. I myself was concerned about getting into a relatoinship and also sleeping with someone who has obviously had way more sex than me. Actually, just last week I had a freakout because I was worried about having never been in a relationshp and I have no idea what I'll be like.

 

My bf understood my feelings and I have that fear of being rejected or being left alone. But I came to the conclusion that i really want to be with my bf and i'm gonna do the best i can to give our relationship a try because he wants the same thing.

 

and as for the sex thing, my bf isn't bothered that i'm inexperienced and feels so honored that i chose to explore that with him. he also likes that being inexperienced gives me the advantage of being more open minded than other people out there and that everything is a new experience for me which he things is great. if you have a good partner who is caring and wants you to feel comfortable, sex can be great, whether you're inexperienced or not.

 

so basicically that's what i think since i'm kinda of in your boyfriend's position. it just depends on if you want to make a long term relationship with him or not and if wants the same thing. i hope he won't be living with his parents forever, but a lot of people who go to school live with their parents for financial reasons.

 

figure out what you want and then talk to him about your concerns.

[Daddy Bear]

i would forget about the age difference if you have a lot in common. my brother married someone 11 years older than he is and they are still annoyingly happy after about 25 years now.

[ArielM1313]

Thank you, everyone. Monkey1, your insight is priceless! Thank you for sharing.

 

We have so much in common...hobbies, goals, etc. We both have an off center sense of humor, so often, we're the only one laughing at our jokes, which is just fine. LOL He is FUN and loving.

 

I can only put myself in his shoes. I recall at 23, I was just out on my own... exploring the world and trying to make a place for myself in it. He lives at home to save money since he is a student, you are correct. He's never lived anywhere else than with his mother. (Parents divorced at age 3 but now are very amicable and go to his events/plays/art showings as a parental unit, which is good).

 

At 33, I have hindsight. I know how confusing growing into our own skin can be. I know that there's tons of trial and error. Going into this relationship, I knew that if I wanted it to work, I had to give him free rein to explore his world. Then, I learned he was a virgin. I find it hard to believe that I will be his first and last lover. He does have "traditional values" and thinks it would not be out of the realm of possibility if he ended up marrying his first (and last). That is reassuring, however, I do have the gift of hindsight. Now, I can NOT imagine having only 1 serious relationship at 23 and sticking with it.

In fact, at 23, I got married to a man 10+ years my senior. It did not last, however we remain in email contact. Hindsight.

 

I absolutely adore this man! Yet, I know in my gut that he has so much growing left to do! Would I love for us to grow together? Absolutely. I have to be realistic and acknowledge that the odds are against us.

 

His friends, family (incl. brother, age 25) accept us. My parents & friends accept us. The age gap is not an issue for anyone in our lives- but us, if that makes sense. He doesn't seem too worried about it. He is very "in the moment". I try to be, but having had life and relationship experience, I worry.

 

When I think about the here and now....next week or next month...it's all good. His goal is to study abroad in Ireland (he is Irish) for a year, possibly two. I had similar dreams when I was 23, too. He wants to transfer to a school 45 minutes away and live off campus. A good idea, I think.

 

Sorry for babbling. This forum is one of the only places I feel comfortable exploring and sharing my feelings on my AGR. I do talk to my boyfriend, as well. His answer is always, "We'll have to see what happens."

 

Thanks,

Ariel

[itsallgrand]

Hey. I just wanted to point this out. It might be useful for you.

 

In fact, at 23, I got married to a man 10+ years my senior. It did not last, however we remain in email contact. Hindsight.

 

Maybe this is a cause of some of your concern. You were in his shoes: 23 and with a 33 yr old. It didn't work out for you. But, it's no indication of how this will work for you and new-guy. He's a different person, you are different, the whole situation is different.

 

Just a thought. I hope things work out for you.